Ghosts in the Brain – Ghost #2 – The Rage and The Fury

A friend pointed out to me the other day that I’ve developed the habit of covering my mouth. What are you not telling me, they asked, what are you stopping yourself from saying. At the time I had just pulled the collar of my sweater over the lower half of my face, so I couldn’t deny it. It’s very cold and I was trying to warm the tip of my nose. But was that the only reason for the gesture.

For every word that I do speak, or write, there are millions I don’t. Not everything can be expressed. Some things belong in silence. Some things think they belong in silence, but they don’t. Knowing which ones are which is difficult to discern.

Recently I have been expressing myself more than… perhaps I ever have in my entire existence. It’s been very liberating. Thrilling. Slightly terrifying. Often a cause for self-doubting regret. Should I have said that, revealed that about myself. Will someone use it against me. Take offense. Be hurt. And so on. Why do I worry so much about how my words will affect other people, after all how they are impacted by what I say is their problem not mine, their responsibility not mine. Or is it.

There are times when I think my purpose in life is apologising and accepting responsibility for all the crimes perpetrated against others by my parents. Crimes of an emotional and psychological nature. Yet again, the other day, I had to administer the embalming fluid of sorry to another victim. They were right. They had been well and truly fucked over, but they put themselves in a vulnerable position. I know that you’re not supposed to say that about victims. A victim never asks to be victimised. But this person knew that the water was shark infested before they dove into it. Are they still an innocent victim. Still blameless. I guess they are. Perhaps they thought the sharks were dolphins. That’s okay, I’ll shoulder the blame, someone has to.

Blame was always flying around when I was a child. I used to feel like a piggy-in-the-middle. I got sick and tired of the damn game, reached up my hand, grabbed the blame ball, and walked off to play with the thing on my own, bouncing it off the wall of my padded cell. Everything is my fault, now everyone else shut up and fuck off. And for a while they did exactly that, because I resigned as lifeguard at the shark infested swimming pool, and threw a cloak of invisibility over my padded cell.

I saw an astro tweet yesterday which said that now was a good time to embrace healing, to release hurt and move on. I smiled wryly. People are always saying that. Let go and move on. Forgive and forget. Live in the now, leave the past where it belongs. Don’t look back unless you’re planning on heading that way. Stop blaming your parents, accept responsibility for your life and… And so on. All good advice. Easier said than done. In fact I wish they’d stop saying it, because I can’t do it. I’ve tried repeatedly to follow the advice. I severed all ties with my past. But my past chased after me, hunted me down, and lassoed me. I forgave and forgot. But there are those who don’t want you to forget, because they haven’t forgiven or forgotten, and so they remind you. I do live in the now, but the now is full of ghosts from my past. And I did stop blaming my parents, but they never stopped blaming me.

The other day I had to deal with more shitstormery created by my mother. My mother’s shitstromery was built upon the fuckassery created by my father. My father’s fuckassery was partly in retaliation to my mother’s shitstormery. You get the picture. Sorry about the language used, it’s mild compared to what I’m actually thinking. A friend happened to look at me while I was thinking about the situation. I heard them gasp, and the look on their face told me that they had seen too much, had witnessed the raw fury and rage etched momentarily on my features. I apologised. The thing about which I try to keep silent the most is The Rage and The Fury. Every now and then I rant out loud. But that is just a puff of smoke. This ghost is a visceral one, and releasing it would have effects similar to what we imagine an apocalypse would be like. Or at least that is how it feels. It is best if this ghost doesn’t talk or act… But it watches through my eyes, and sometimes it is seen by others.

The astrology of this ghost… It’s everywhere in my chart. But the main thrust of it can be seen in the oppositions between the 1st and 2nd houses with the 7th house. The self and the values of the self versus others. Oppositions are like see-saws. It’s a pull me push you, push me pull you energy. Chiron and the North Node are in the 7th house informing me that the lessons I have to learn in this lifetime are all about acknowledging others, their pain, their values, their needs. Perhaps because in a former life (Nodes represent karma from past lives) everything was about me and my pain, values, and needs. So there is a shift in the balance of power. Ultimately this shows that I must learn balance in relationships. It’s not all about me, others must be considered. It’s not all about others, I must be considered too. Smiling wryly again. Who is going to tell the others about this. That although their needs matter, mine do too. Me, you say? Yes, I agree, I’ve tried doing that, I guess I’m just not doing it right.

Recently I’ve been told how hurt my father was when I severed all ties with him. I was also asked if I would consider a reconciliation with my mother. Warped wry smile. These poor innocent victims of my cold-hearted cruelty obviously enjoyed playing piggy-in-the-middle with me so much that they never got over my spoiling the game by opting out of it. It’s not their fault, it never was, never is, never will be. I still have the blame ball.

So, Do you have any oppositions in your astrology chart? Do you have any situations similar to this in your life?

Advertisements

26 thoughts on “Ghosts in the Brain – Ghost #2 – The Rage and The Fury

  1. I wrote in response to your question. About Oppositions. I have three in my chart. Moon-Pluto, Moon-Mercury, and Sun-Jupiter. But mostly just empathized on the Moon-Pluto. But my comment turned into a page long response as oppositions are complex to explain 😀 So, I posted it on my “blog”.

    Like

    1. “So, Do you have any oppositions in your astrology chart? Do you have any situations similar to this in your life?”

      Such a sudden change of tone in the last line 😛
      You were doing your Aries NN on Chiron perfectly fine and then the Libra SN had to say that…
      you sound exhausted after letting out all that and then libra sn felt it should make itself known..just in case it is impolite 😐

      how about writing a post on: ” I want!!! And what I want to Indulge in!! My 3day exercise on such an intense indulgent self absorption that the world can cringe and go hide!” and end it with something like…” nope.. Get out, in this post I dont care what you want so no littering in the comments here”

      (guess its just my night effect..its past 3am here..)

      Like

      1. That made me chuckle 😀 I may well use it as inspiration for a post! Mind you, that is why I blog, my blogging is my way of indulging myself and doing and saying what I want.

        I don’t think that the question at the end is connected to my SN in Libra, but it’s hard to tell as there’s a lot going on with that dynamic as my SN is conjunct Uranus and Jupiter. The question at the end of posts is something I do quite often, and at the time that this was written, I did it consistently on my posts. It’s more expressive of my Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd/Mercury in Aquarius in the 5th. I wasn’t being polite, I was being curious and genuinely want to know about other people’s experiences. I learn when others share their stories with me. I have learned to understand my chart oppositions better by others sharing with me their experiences of their own oppositions.

        When I ask a question like that it’s because I want to know more about others and their experiences.

        Perceiving that question as me being polite is a projection. Do you find that you often ask people about themselves to be polite? And is the writing prompt which you gave me at the end of the comment something you long to do?

        Remember that mirror thing from my other post.

        3am is a magic hour, considered to be a time when our true self talks honestly with us and reveals itself openly, many people use it as a time to connect with their core.

        Like

        1. Sometimes I feel my whole life is a mirror-mirror game & I dont know whether I am even listening (Gemini in 12th again). Sometimes I just want to cut open that blobby dark bubble that surrounds my head and colours my perception( SNode cnj Asc)

          About the ‘Saturn is exalted in Libra and am not a Pisces’ thing that I chant when relationships get messy… Its related to that thing you mentioned in some post about being careful about the urge to help and fix others &the urge to be helped and fixed and all the romantic notions that go along with it which is Pisces/Neptune thingie. Saturn is about maintaining boundaries and Libra is about fairness andrelationships… So astrology gives Saturn exaltation in Libra not Neptune. I mean why not Neptune exalted in Libra.. Unconditional love and acceptance in relationships? I guess because its not possible..

          Like

          1. So..when that urge comes to help and fix someone…I find it helpful to remind myself that Saturn is exalted in Libra and dont even flatter yourself by trying to be a Pisces..

            I am just beginning to appreciate all the 12 signs and how every signs characteristic depends on its position with respect to the 11 other signs. For example why does Leo have such arrogance and desire to be centre of all? Because it’s in waxing quincunx to Pisces energy…cant see its connection to the source..it confused itself with it..etc. Thats how I am teaching myself now..

            Like

            1. I am going to be hanging around and digging here quite a lot and dropping little bombs everywhere.. So I hope you find a way to deal with it… XP

              Like

              1. What kind of bombs are these? I hope they’re not stink bombs :O

                Please be aware that I tend to dish back what is being dished to me, so you’d better like these bombs you’re planning on dropping as they may get thrown back at you with a little something extra added. That is my way of ‘dealing with it’ – you’ve been warned! 😉

                I’m happy you have found my blog worth hanging out and digging in, you may even find stuff I’ve lost (my archives are a mess as is my filing system). Thank you 😀

                Like

            2. I like the intuitive approach to reading a chart, because you know yourself, so you can see yourself in the placements and how it all expresses itself through you.

              Have you read Howard Sasportas’ The Twelve Houses. Brilliant book for understanding the houses and how the planets and signs express themselves in each one. It also deals with dynamics between houses.

              I don’t like it when people try to ‘fix’ me, so I tend to apply that to others and I don’t try to ‘fix’ people. Sometimes people seem to want to be ‘fixed’ – my Virgo rising gives the impression that I’ve got my mess together – and I usually tell them that I can’t do that because I’m a mess and may end up breaking them where they weren’t broken before 😉 However I’m happy to show them that they don’t actually need ‘fixing’ what they need is to see themselves from a different perspective, one which is supportive of who they are and shows them how personally powerful they are.

              Like

                1. That’s an excellent link! Thank you 😀

                  I have recently been exploring the transits from the point of birth and creation of the birth chart, with particular focus on the outer planets as they move slowly and tend to represent a period of our lives. And they are prominent in my chart and their transits from my birth have moved only through the personal half of the chart. So looking at the houses as a progression (and the signs as a progression), as stages of development leading on to the next stage is helpful to understand the evolution of ourselves through experiences.

                  Like

                1. Most planets in the personal hemispheres: Karma with family..kinda back to basics theme..as NN is there too. Focus on building a self that is worth taking out to be tested in the 7th. Saturn is waiting with his rule book in the 7th. It’s like a ‘do-ur-lessons-in-the-first-sixth-houses-or-else!’ Saturn as NN ruler kinda makes the issue to be unavoidable.

                  Like

                  1. What’s the most literal thing in your chart that ever happened? You know.. Pluto is almost at the end of H4..so I used to ignore it.. then I discovered that of the two houses my father has, one is opposite the graveyard and the other is adjacent the city’s Forensic science Lab. How literal! :-/

                    Like

                    1. Hmmm. I don’t think I have anything as clear cut as that. I have had experiences which tie in with transits but I’m never sure how much I’m reading into it. I’ll have to think about it. Good question!

                      Like

                  2. Saturn is indeed the hard taskmaster! His lessons are valuable, but the process of learning those lessons is tough and painful, there is a lot of letting go and sacrificing things which we think are important with Saturn because his aim is to simplify and make us see what is really worth having versus our illusions of what is worth having. Saturn in the 7th is very practical about love, it’s about earthy connection and not airy fairy romance.

                    Actually you do come across as being very connected to the earth, wanting to understand and see what is real rather than maintain a beautiful illusion, and wanting to figure things out for yourself, think and feel for yourself, not be lead by someone else’s version of reality. You’re a free spirit. 🙂

                    Like

                    1. Actually whatever you have articulated is what I am striving to be in this life rather than who I already am..:D

                      My snode in cancer 12th wants to hide, be protected, dissolve in a womb of beautiful illusion.. But the more I meet life.. The more I am forced to ground in a reality tested, understood and seen for by myself..and not be led by someone else’s version of reality! So thank you 😉

                      Like

                    2. Your Sun/Chiron in the 1st – creating your own identity – self-creation (amplified by your Sun’s dispositor being itself) – and through self-creation healing is found but wounding may also occur, as healing and wounding are two sides of a whole which work in unison (creative friction). The wounding will most likely occur when you take a chance on self-expression, perhaps saying something which you tend to keep quiet about, sharing a treasured view or feeling, and are aware that that is what you are doing so you will feel more vulnerable and notice any signs of possible rejection or criticism coming from those who witness your self-expression.

                      Since Saturn opposes this urge to create yourself, express yourself, to be and become your most beautiful and radiant self, and it comes in the form of others expressing it (7th house), you may feel that your self-creativity keeps being limited by others, your heart bursting with joy for life gets hurt by the detached minds of others – Saturn in Aquarius could be viewed as a cold mind… Hmmm… Saturn in Aquarius could be viewed as the cold mind of the internet which has a tendency to dehumanise, and your blog is you taking tentative steps to express yourself from the heart and soul of you. Your Cancer rising wants to protect such a beautiful soul as yours, and its desire to keep you in a protective shell is supported by the SN.

                      Just some thoughts which could be completely off.

                      Oh, btw, I have a tendency to become people’s shadow (my 7H chiron) and my Mercury in Aqua may come to reflect your Saturn in Aqua in 7H. I hope not, but I always hope it won’t happen 🙂

                      I’m

                      Like

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: