There are certain things which I never share with people. Not because I’m stingy, but because some things are just not meant to be shared. They are private.
There are some things which perhaps I should share, but I don’t because, well, I have many reasons for not sharing those things.
By things I actually mean emotions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs. Abstract things.
The posts I write on this blog can be quite long, and personal, and may give the impression that I am an over-sharer. At least that is how I perceive them. I don’t really know how others perceive them, although some of you have very generously shared your impressions, and for that I am very grateful. Truth is, I write them for myself, a letter from me to me. They are a means of survival. I am damaged and dangerous, but the biggest threat I pose is to myself. I have a quirky tendency to self-destruct (How very Uranus in aspect to Pluto of me!). I am equally blessed with the ability to live through my own periodic implosions (Saturn? No, just another day of living with Pluto in the 1st). There will come a time when I won’t.
Heavy stuff perhaps, but not to me. The dark side of my nature does not bother me, much, it’s a complement to the bright side. I am well aware though that others can find it a bit overwhelming which is why I don’t share it too often, and, when I do, I try to filter it. Experience has taught me that there are very few people who can handle the darkness of another, because it awakens their inner shadows, and frightens them from the inside out.
Occasionally I meet someone who insists that I share all of me with them. This always makes me smile, a bittersweet smile of farewell. I know that if I refuse to share myself they will be hurt, but they will also be hurt if I accept their invitation. I have never been able to solve this riddle. I have tried sharing a small dose of the darkness, and pretend it is all of it, but I invariably get the dosage wrong.
Once you have hurt someone, the relationship is never the same again. Most of the time this is the beginning of the end, although the end may take many agonising years to arrive. Once in a while it is the point at which a relationship deepens and strengthens, and you meet the person behind the person.
Hurting people is almost too easy. I don’t mean in a deliberate way, although that too is true, I mean accidentally, without intending to. People are very fragile. There are times when I have gone out of my way not to hurt someone, to handle them with care, and ended up hurting them because I was trying not to.
The complexity of human relationships fascinates and confounds me (Chiron conjunct North Node in 7th), which is why many of my posts touch upon the subject. Intellectually I am leaps and bounds ahead of the rest of me. I can see many of the patterns, rituals, and behaviours, understand where they come from, why they were created, and where they are going (Mercury dominant). Which is useful and helpful. Emotionally I don’t fare so well (Moon in the 12th). I understand emotions, mine and those of others, most of the time, but dealing with them is another matter entirely. I know that when someone hurts you deliberately, it is because they are hurting and they want you to feel their pain, that does not make dealing with the pain they have just caused any easier, but it does stop me from lashing out at them, most of the time (My Mars can be vicious and doesn’t shy away from a fight).
I endeavour to do no harm (My Venus is very soft and gentle), if possible, but sometimes it is unavoidable. When it is you versus another, your allegiance must be to yourself first, even if you love the other person deeply. I expect them to do the same. To look after themselves first and foremost. It eases the stress of a relationship, if you know you can rely on them to look after themselves. If another person gives you the responsibility to look after them, then things get very twisted and torn. More so if they want you to put their welfare above yours. This is the correct thing to do only if you are a parent, and the other person is your child, in all other relationships it can lead to disaster. You can end up killing yourself to save them. Sometimes that is exactly what they want you to do, it’s the only way to prove your love for them to them, but they are never grateful for the sacrifice, in fact they are often resentful because now they have to go and find someone else to look after them. How very selfish of you!
You can probably guess that I didn’t have a particularly good relationship with my nurturers (Saturn square Sun), if you can call what they did nurturing. Thank goodness for nature, because if I’d relied on nurture alone I wouldn’t be here today writing these words. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, perhaps it is a combination of the two. Such is life.
That’s it for today. Did I just hear a collective unconscious sigh of relief?
ps. I learned to see my astro at work in my psycho from The Oxford Astrologer. A very clever, kind, and insightful lady, who seems to enjoy interacting with and helping out those who follow her blog.
Speaking of interacting with others, I’m a bit awkward in that department, but love to do it. I also love asking questions, as I am very curious. Both of those things combine to explain why I like to end my posts with a question. If any of you have any questions which you would like to ask me, or any subjects which you would like me to write about, feel free to do so. I’m open, but be prepared for unusual answers (I am often under the influence of Uranian flashes of weirdness).
Any questions, thoughts, or words you’d like to share?