Ghosts in the Brain – Ghost #4 – Trapped

No, you haven’t missed any of my ghost posts, and yes, I am writing about Ghost #4 – Trapped – before dealing with the first three. Never Good Enough, The Rage and The Fury, and Why Am I Alive. Why. Because this ghost pushed its way to the front of the queue.

It’s my fault. I should have realised that as soon as I locked myself into something, this little guy would show up. Not so little really, but it has an endearing quality to it, and all the other ghosts like it. They encourage its behaviour.

I was going to try and do one ghost post a day, but Trapped nearly died of suffocation. Okay, its a ghost, it’s already dead. But that’s how I feel when I have a case of feeling trapped. I dreamed once about being crushed by a giant boulder. It was a very vivid dream. I relive that dream every time I feel enclosed by something.

When I was a child I felt as though I was held hostage by my parents. I had a ritual I used to perform on days when they let their guard down. I would pack a small suitcase with food and comic books, and make a break for it. I never went out of the front gate, because I knew that I was too young to get away and would be recaptured. Instead I would hide in the garden pretending that I had escaped, nibbling the food and reading comics. There was a certain bittersweet release in the ritual. Later on I felt restricted by society. Rules, rules, rules. Always there sucking the fun out of life and making everything a chore. I used to fantasise about being a castaway on a deserted island. I knew the reality of such a situation would be very harsh, and also full of rules, but they would be the laws of nature rather than those of a million talking heads. Eventually I matured and calmed down. Not much, but enough to realise that I was my own worst nightmare.

I’m not sure how to put this, as it is a twisted knot, but basically I like feeling trapped, not because I want to be boxed in, but because I want to feel the thrill of rebellion, and the challenge of escape. I can turn any scenario into one from which I need to escape. And I often do. There is a part of me always on the alert, on the qui vive, ready to light the warning beacon as soon as it detects a threat. This is partly why I have a phobia of telephones. I feel trapped. The gift phobia also is partly connected to this. I feel confined by behavioural conventions. If someone asks me to do them a favour, I feel like Hercules being tricked by Atlas into shouldering a burden which doesn’t belong to me. It’s a crappy attitude, I am fully aware of that. I did warn you that these ghosts would reveal the ugly side of me. Mind you, there is a part of me that loves to be of service to others. I can’t repeat what Trapped calls that part. Let’s just say that the language in Deadwood seemed fairly tame. And the reason I use that sort of language is because I don’t like to be trapped by words either. If you’re afraid of a word, then it has you in its thrall, and anyone who isn’t afraid to use it has a certain control over you. I bubble and boil when something or someone has any sort of power over me. Mars and Pluto are in the astrological mix of this ghost’s dynamic.

Astrologically, Trapped lies mainly in the interactions of Mercury and Uranus. These two planets are tied to other planets, in hard and easy aspects. For instance, Mercury squares Mars, and Uranus is conjunct Pluto. There are many nuances involved, but they are the main instigators, and motivators of this ghost. Mercury shows the energy which fuels the mind. My Mercury is in Aquarius, in the 5th house of creativity. I have an intensely restless mind. The abode of a mad scientist obsessed with experimentation. It is in a harmonious aspect to Uranus, the chaotic rebel, in Libra, in the 1st house of identity. I see identity as a flexible notion. I really don’t care who I am on a permanent basis, as long as I am free to be whoever I want to be in the moment. My mind and my sense of self are permanently jumping around, shifting uneasily, eagerly pursuing freedom. Lots of freely flowing air, which doesn’t like to be captured in a vessel because then it becomes stale, noxious, and starts swirling around trying to find an escape route.

My mind has always felt trapped by my body. It wants to roam free, disembodied, which is why it loves the internet and feels very at home floating across the cybersphere. My body doesn’t appreciate the mind’s attitude, and has often tried to rid itself of such a disrespectful entity. The amount of times I have hit my head hard enough to concuss myself can’t be recalled. My mind often tries to rid itself of the body too. The mad scientist does not want to be bothered by the practical details of day to day living. It’s a very complex relationship.

This ghost isn’t frightening, it doesn’t whisper tales of deep dark horror, in fact it doesn’t whisper at all. It grabs me by the throat and screams at me. Which reminds me of another dream of suffocation. I was being strangled while I was sleeping by a Dr. Seuss creature who wanted the glass of ginger ale which was on the bedside table. I woke up before it got its hands on the ginger ale. That seemed the important part, not the being strangled bit.

Trapped is a ghost whose visits I secretly enjoy, but also dread. I dread it because it triggers so many other things within, but it is also triggered by the other ghosts. A domino effect of sorts. I enjoy it because it fires an inner rebellion which can never be fully doused. The main problem with Trapped is that I find it nigh on impossible to focus. Discipline is anathema to me, yet it is a crucial factor in harnessing energy. If I could harness the energy which lies within Trapped… oh the things I might do… oh the things I have done the few times I have managed to do so. But it is a very volatile substance, and often explodes.

When I first had the idea to do this Ghosts in the Brain series, I didn’t realise how revealing it would be. Or how much fun it would be. I have always known about these ghosts, after all, they haunt me, but my knowledge of them has often been blurry, foggy, and elusive. Looking at these issues as ghosts, actual entities, giving them shape and form without making them solid, and using my astrological chart as a guide, has allowed me to see a bigger picture, to see the ghosts as a family. I can see their relationships, how they interact, how one triggers another, either as a call for assistance, an escape route, or a challenge. I can see how when I feel squashed and at my lowest point, wishing that I could end the pain of being alive, the escape artist in me takes what is left of my self and moves to another part of my psyche, the primal part which wakes up and growls menacingly at that which is threatening my existence. Then the primal part kicks in fully and goes to visit the mad scientist part of me, demanding that I put the pieces of me which are left back together, and add some new bits to fill in the gaps, reinvent my self. Once the new creation is finished, it gets a jolt of lightening, and ta dah! New me, full of the joys of reinvention, ready to go out into the world and cause havoc. Once more unto the breach, my ghost friends. I can follow the whole process, how the energy moves, by following the aspect lines in my chart. Fascinating, for me at least. I’d never seen it that way before so clearly.

Apologies for the messy, slightly all over the place post, but trying to pin down something which hates being pinned down is tricky.

SO, Do you ever feel trapped?

*Yes, I posted the Ghosts in the Brain series in a different order on tumblr than I did on WordPress. Ghost #Chaotic Randomness is ever present, and influences how I do or don’t do things.