WARNING: This post is part of a series which contains elements of the darker side of my nature. Not a pretty sight. Do NOT read if ugliness offends you.
I know many of my posts do expose my darker side. I use my writing as a way of getting out of me what is inside. Sometimes it is cathartic, like removing trapped energy which is stagnant, festering, and poisoning me. Mostly though it gives me a new perspective.
Sometimes I write to have a conversation with myself. To try to extract knowledge which I may be withholding. I do tend to hold myself back. Sometimes I just write a post to express something, anything at times to keep the words flowing so I don’t retreat into silence.
This series is an attempt to get at something deeper. What that is, I partly know and partly don’t know. But I am fairly certain that what I may reveal will be exposed in a very unappealing light. That is why it is hidden, and why I am disclosing it. There is something bothering me right now, and I can’t think of any other way of getting at the crux of it.
This has been brewing for a while. I was coasting on some very delicious good vibrations last year, which really transformed how I experienced life, myself, and others. I knew it wouldn’t last. Energies shift. So I took full advantage of it and enjoyed the ride. December was a mixed month. There were some strange rustlings in the undergrowth, but the creature making those noises didn’t reveal itself until January. January was weird, but February has been far weirder. There has been a mixture of very good things and very not so good things occurring. Needless to say the not so good things are far louder, whinier, and attention seeking than the good things. My stress levels have rocketed, and I can feel the fun being drained from me.
There were several events which triggered old mechanisms, and sliced open old wounds. Some involved humans, others involved making decisions, and a few involved dealing with shit. The human events were minor, from the outside looking in. I don’t blame them for what happened, they are gentle souls who happened to be wearing Dr. Martens’ boots with spikes on the bottom as they accidentally trampled on me while I was lying on the floor relaxing. They didn’t see me. I thought they had. My mistake. They were very hurt as I lay there bleeding from multiple holes, and I was very sorry for hurting them. The decisions were major. I have always had a bit of a problem making decisions as I tend to second, third, fourth and fifth guess myself. It’s better if I just close my eyes and ears, and shout ‘That one!’. Then it’s done and I can deal with the consequences afterwards. If I have time to think… Best not to sometimes. Dealing with shit is what I’m best at out of the three events. But this shit falls into several subcategories, most of them very practical, and I find practical shit rather dull. Does it really need to be done. Much of it doesn’t, but the world seems to be obsessed with this kind of stuff, and demands that the inhabitants bow to it.
Anyway… A couple of nights ago all of this culminated in a big bang. I made myself violently sick because I got so stressed out by life that my entire body reacted as though it was allergic to it and rejected it. I quite enjoy being sick. Not the physically ill part, but the cocoon-like state that comes afterwards.
So, last night I watched an episode of Criminal Minds, Corazon (season 6), in which one of the characters, Dr. Spencer Reid, was having migraines, and he met a Spirit Doctor during his investigations who told him he had ghosts in the brain. That was the only thing in the episode which caught my full attention. I get migraines too, but I know what causes those. A spark went off in my foggy mind. I saw that my sickness was caused by ghosts in the brain.
There are several ghosts haunting me. I know them well. I’ve tried many times to exorcise them, but they cling to me fiercely. Perhaps that is because they shape my character, they have made me who I am and without them I would become someone else, someone I am not supposed to be. Perhaps these ghosts are friendly, and not unfriendly as I see them. But to find that out I have to face them… yet again. Figure out what they want and see if I can finally understand what it is they may be trying to tell me, if they are indeed friendly. If they aren’t friendly, maybe by letting them have their say, they’ll fuck off and finally die! For good! I am doubtful about that… so I’ll probably fulfill a prophecy. Doubt is just a wispy finger of one of the ghosts, not the ghost itself.
The ghosts, so far, are as follows:
Ghost #1 – Never Good Enough
Ghost #2 – The Rage and The Fury
Ghost #3 – Why Am I Alive
I’m starting with those. Not sure if there are more, or if those ones just morph. That’s something I want to find out. Posting one a day, or whatever I end up doing in the end.