Ghosts in the Brain – Ghost # 5 – Why Don’t You Love Me
“Tell me who you want me to be and I can be that person for you. For a while. Then the illusion will dissipate, the mists will part, and you will see the face behind the mask. You won’t like it, because it will not be the person with whom you have fallen in love.” – Venus in Pisces.
That’s how she attracts. That’s how I attract. It’s not deliberate. I don’t set out to embody people’s fantasies. I don’t aim to seduce with deception. It happens naturally, instinctively, and in many ways it is a form of armour, a protective shield, a cloaking device. Being a chameleon is a survival tool. And it does protect me, but it also harms me.
I was going to call this ghost – What Do You Want From Me. That is the reflex I have when someone notices me. Sometimes I think it aggressively, sometimes passively, it depends on the situation. It depends on how I am feeling. It depends on what the other person is exuding. Truth is, I can usually sense what a person wants from me. People leak information about themselves through every pore. Most people are not very subtle as they are driven by need, and want others to know what those needs are so that they can draw to themselves that which they are seeking. The power of attraction.
There are times when I think I have a Drink Me tag around my neck, as I have the impression that I attract a lot of Vampires. It’s my own fault, of that I am aware. What I am not aware of is how to snap people out of the spell before a relationship occurs. Before I allow them to feed. For I know that if I allow them to sink their teeth into me, they will drink until they have drained me. Then they will get angry at me because they are still thirsty. Angry Vampires suck. With a vengeance. But I am empty. They won’t believe me. They will accuse me of holding back their precious food. How can I be so utterly selfish. I am evil. I fooled them into believing I was good. And one by one their expectation balloons will pop violently, the blowback hitting their face, slapping them out of illusion and dropping them into the mire of disappointment. Then they will look at me with disgust and throw me aside, discard me onto the garbage heap of all those who have disappointed them their whole life, and they will move on. Once more in search of a fairy princess who will be the true love, the one who will save them as they pretend to save her.
Most of my relationships end this way. With the other person moving on. Sometimes I do it for them, physically at least, but in all other ways they left first. People sometimes keep you around, even when they don’t want or like you anymore, like an old toy they used to play with all the time, but then it broke, stupid toy, so they shoved it into the box of broken toys, shut the lid, and forgot about it. In the end I am left with the distinct feeling that I have been a disappointment. I have failed to live up to their expectations. I am not who they thought I was… I know. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen, you couldn’t hear me, the voice of the siren, the one you wanted to see, the one you wanted to hear, was too loud. And eventually you crashed upon the rocks and snapped out of the spell. I realise that it is all my fault and you are just an innocent victim of an evil witch. I apologise. Now go away. No… no… let me do the going away, you don’t want to appear to be the baddie, let me do that for you now that you only see me as evil where once I was all that was good. I hope this gesture heals the pain you feel and makes amends for all the things you believe that I have done to you. Yes, yes, it is all my fault. Don’t worry, I have shouldered the blame. Can I go now, because wanting me to endlessly apologise to you for something that the person whom you thought I was did to you, is more draining than feeding you the food you needed while you still had your beautiful illusion.
This scenario happens in all my interactions. Over and over again. I’ve tried to stop it, but it is too much a part of me, a pattern, a life story, a lesson which still has much to teach me, and I am such a slow learner. I’ve endeavoured to bypass it, mainly by telling people up front that I am not who they think I am. No one ever believes me.
Every now and then I scold myself for being so cynical. But my cynicism is justified, and therefore it is hard to part with it. There are just so many times you can be dumped by people who pursued you and wanted to own you, ignored by people who once couldn’t get enough of you, given a lecture on how disappointing you are, put through the wringer of emotional blackmail, blamed for falling off a pedestal onto which you did not put yourself but were forced to stand on even though you stated very loudly that you had a phobia of pedestals. Most people are not the least bit interested in me, not who I am, the me they are interested in is the one whom I can be for them. They do not love me, they love the person they have projected onto me. I am not just referring to romantic love when I talk about love, I include all the myriad ways in which love can be expressed.
Astrologically this ghost is a Neptunian entity. The influence of Neptune leaks into every aspect of my chart, one way or another. He doesn’t need to be direct, he is water, he always finds a way. This ghost is the creation of a Neptunian trio. A T-square (which is actually part of a Grand Cross if you include the MC/Midheaven). Venus in Pisces opposing the Moon in the 12th House (Pisces’ home), both squaring Neptune. My Venus is connected to my Mars in Scorpio. So, the beautiful mirage may be an illusion, but the rocks you hit when the illusion breaks are very real. A friend of mine, who knows me well, one of the few relationships which has survived the crash against the rocks, described me as a lollipop, with bubblegum inside, on a stick made of steel. Bite me once, sweet. Bite me twice, chewy. Bite me thrice, break your teeth. I think it is a very incisive description.
I used to get very hurt by this ghost all the time. It likes to tear my heart to shreds, then sew it together, wait for the sutures to heal, then tear it up again, ad infinitum. I couldn’t understand what about me was so awful that made people who claimed to love me, suddenly not love me. My inner cry of desperation was – Why Don’t You Love Me. I never said it out loud, because I knew why they didn’t love me. They had never loved me. They loved a dream, they pursued the dream, and attempted to make that dream real. But the dream fought back. Because the dream wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. Stupid dream.
I realise the world is a wild and tumultuous place, and that it is wonderful to find a port in a storm. Someone who seems welcoming, and who offers a moment of solace. My Moon is in Virgo and I love to be of service to others, and my Venus in Pisces is in the 6th house of service (Virgo’s home). So part of me loves to try to feed all the hungry mouths. But I have needs too, I have hunger within me too. And at times it feels as though I have signed an invisible contract with people which says that I must have no needs of my own, no feelings, no emotions, no demands of any sort. Sometimes I don’t, but sometimes I do. I am human, and I often feel that that gets completely forgotten and dismissed. I tend to look after my own needs and such. But this requires a retreat from others. Others don’t often respect that, in fact many take offence, umbrage, that I should not be available to them when they need me. This has always been a bone of contention for me in my relationships.
This ghost is a very elusive one. The wound in which it lives is very deep, as it also connects to Chiron conjunct North Node in Pisces in the 7th house of relationships. So it is profoundly complex. I know that none of this may make any sense. That is typical of Neptune, and this particular ghost.
People often accuse me of deflecting compliments. I do. That’s what mirrors do. And now you know why I do it. Your compliment belongs to you, not me. What you see in me, is a reflection of what is in you. Claim it as your own.
So, Does any of this reflect you in any way?