Just When I Thought I Was Out… They Pull Me Back In.
Yes, the title of this piece is a quote from The Godfather trilogy. It sums up perfectly how I’m feeling right now. About life. About family.
Just when I thought I had managed to create a simple life for myself, free from the complications of my past… Indeed! Never relax, because the moment you do that, the other shoe drops and… WHAM! It explodes in your face.
Most of my life I have been, amongst other stressful things, always on the qui vive. Tense. Nervous. Alert. Never relaxing because of that effing other shoe hanging over me like a very sharp lusting after my blood sword of Damocles.
I should know better about things by now. Experience has taught me that the moment I start relaxing and enjoying life… shit happens. Shit, which I didn’t ask for, and which I don’t want. Shit, which I did not create, which was created by others. And, by others, I mean my parents.
I know many people blame their parents for their woes. For most of the time, it is with good reason. As children, by default, of our parents, we inherit all the shit they stirred up. Okay, if we’re lucky maybe we inherit good shit. I’ve never been lucky in the luck department. Unless bad luck is considered luck.
I can’t explain what is happening, because none of it has really sunk in. It’s one of those things which appeared at first to be an illusion, so I treated it with a certain cynical detachment. It has been making itself more and more real, and thus I need to deal with it… which is terrifying. For many reasons. It’s either going to kill me or completely change me into someone I may not even recognise.
In typical me style, I am putting on a brave face while screaming underneath. This whole situation is pushing me so far out of my comfort zone, that I feel like one of those cartoon characters running on air above a precipice.
I keep telling everyone who knows me, how fine I am, how all is well, and I’ve got it sorted. I want to believe that, which is why I’m saying it. If I say it enough times, if enough people believe me, perhaps it will become true. But for now, I’m scared shitless and can’t deal with anything. But I have to deal with it, whether I can or can’t.
I can’t discuss this with anyone, for many reasons and excuses. I really need help with this, but I can’t ask for help. Or at least, every time I ask someone for help, they run away in panic. That’s my fault. When you internalise all your problems, and fix a smile sign to your face, people believe the smile and don’t believe you when you say that the smile is there to hide the truth.
I just have to keep going and hope that the universe will see me through. After all, it created this situation, it thinks I can handle it, so I’m trusting that at some point I will handle it all, and then wonder what the fuss was all about.
Perhaps I’ll call Al Pacino and ask for his help. I can’t remember how The Godfather trilogy ended. But hey, no one else who should be able to help me sort this out, seems to know what’s going on, so… *shrugs.
Perhaps, if I can sort all of this out, I will actually be able to finally extricate myself… get out, and never get pulled back in again.
Anyway, the part that is relevant to you, to WordPress, to tumblr, to Twitter, to deviantArt, and so on… Is that I may be absent for a while, or post intermittently. Just when my internet life was going so well, and being such fun… my outernet life got jealous and decided to reclaim my attention.