The Cockroach teaches us how to use what we have available to us for survival.
To clean out the dead and useless aspects of our lives.
When the Cockroach appears as a totem, our sensitivity to subtle changes will be magnified.
We will have the power to scurry out of danger.
People with this totem often find that they had an abbreviated childhood – a premature movement into adulthood, the necessity to take on early responsibility.
Although often seen as a disgusting animal, the Cockroach is actually a gifted teacher in the art of survival and successful adaptability, especially in environment that may seem a bit hostile.
-Cockroach Totem via Linsdomain
I’m not really sure what my totem animal is. Or if I have more than one. Or if it really matters. I had a dream once in which I found a tattoo on my back of my totem animals, there were three of them, but when I woke up I couldn’t remember what they were. Typical. I think that one of them may have been an eagle or some other bird of prey, one may have been a wolf, and one was a bear. But I could just be falling into wishful thinking. Wanting to have a glamorous totem, rather than an unglamorous one… like a cockroach.
I was contemplating certain aspects of myself and my life the other day. There is a lot going on at the moment, after a relatively pleasant quiet spell. It’s all a bit overwhelming, and many of my old wounds have been split open so they can bleed again. Profusely. My past is resurfacing from the darkness of forgetfulness… Anyway, for whatever reason, it occurred to me that I am not unlike a cockroach. Just when people think they have crushed the life out of me, I bounce back, not only alive, but more than alive. Toughened by the experience.
Several people from my past have reentered in my life, bringing with them all the crap from which I had thought that I had finally extricated myself. In a way I have, in a way I haven’t. It’s complex. These people were trying to railroad me into something, claiming that it was for my own benefit, but ultimately their motivations were utterly selfish, and they were the ones who would benefit by sacrificing me. This is an old scenario. I know it well. I am a professional scapegoat by birth.
Over the years of dealing with this shit, I have become… weird. My tactics are strange, and my motivation is not what people are used to. No one ever believes me when I say things, so… Well, in some ways that gives me an advantage, even though it can be very frustrating.
A large juicy carrot dangled in front of me to get me to jump through hoops, doesn’t interest me. Dangled carrots are always unattainable, and if they are eventually obtained they are usually rotten to the core. I tend to focus my attention on the person dangling the carrot. And what interests me is why they are dangling the carrot. What is it they have to gain. And they always have something to gain or they wouldn’t be dangling a carrot. They want something. They think I’m stupid, that they are the ones in control, with all the power, but there is a flip side to everything. Maybe I am stupid, but it’s a crazy kind of stupid. Maybe they have control and power, but I have vulnerability and self-destructiveness to counteract such things. You’d be surprised at the power that things which are considered powerless have within them.
I quite like the idea of having a cockroach as my totem. The more I think about it, the more I warm to it. But I’m a rogue cockroach, because I’m not really suited to living in polite society, including that of other cockroaches. I piss people off all the time by moving in slow motion when they are trying to hurry me up, by not wanting what they want me to want, by being slippery when they think they have me trapped and cornered. By not being dead when they try to kill me.
I really don’t care if the cockroach is my official totem or not, I’m having it! Awesome creature! And I bet no one else wants it as their totem, so that makes it all mine.