Silently Screaming

A friend I haven’t heard from in a while, emailed me today asking me how I was. I stared at the message trying to think of an answer. Some time passed, then I logged out of my email and decided to deal with the task of replying later.

I went onto Pinterest to distract myself from the sense of impending doom hanging over me, but as I was browsing through some random pins, I saw one which was the unofficial rules of how to be a successful pinner and enjoy Pinterest to the max. As I skimmed these so-called rules my heart sank and I felt the joy of pinning being sucked out of me. I logged out.

I went onto Twitter, which I have been avoiding due to not having anything to tweet, and stared at my TL. Stared some more, not really taking anything in. Lots of swiftly moving words. I checked my interactions, hoping no one had @ me and was waiting for a reply. A couple of people had. I pondered my options, and decided that it was better if they just thought of me as being rude. I am, might as well let the truth be known. I noticed that the DM light was on, but my DM is glitchy so… Then I decided that it was better to quietly slip away like the ghost of a ghost. I logged out.

I checked my tumblr, but I wasn’t really in a tumblring mood. My dashboard was buzzing with the energy of so many crazy beautiful souls. I felt exhausted by it. I logged out.

I checked WordPress… is it just me or is the reader function really incompetent. Don’t answer that. It always takes me an age to get to grips with all the fiddly details of software and such. I felt frustrated by that and decided that it was the wrong vibe to have for reading posts. I logged out.

I wandered around aimlessly on the internet, not seeing anything. Checked the news. The world is still falling apart. Nothing new there. Possible global nuclear meltdown… just like when I was growing up. WarGames over and over again.

I quit my browser and stared at my computer screen. Scanned the folders on my desktop. Glared at the one which holds all the stuff which is suffocating the fun out of life at the moment. Looked away from the computer and caught sight of my bastard android phone. That’s my nickname for it. I have no idea how the thing works. I tried reading the instructions, but… Never mind.

I stared out of the window. At least the Sun is out. Was out for a second. It’s so cold, it has been so cold for so long I don’t think I remember what warmth feels like. At least it’s not raining. I have to fix the roof. Leak. House falling apart bit by bit. Does it matter. Does anything matter. Need a cigarette. The one thing which gives me a break from my life is killing me. Great. Must quit. But death is one way to escape this situation. Not really the option I was hoping for. Besides smoking counteracts the exhaustion, dizzy spells, the high levels of stress, and the urge to sob uncontrollably, I don’t cry very often, but right now…

And then there is the waiting. The endless, interminable waiting. Waiting for someone to answer a straightforward question with a straightforward answer. They seem to be very rare these days, perhaps even on the verge of extinction. Problem is, I can’t deal with this situation without facts, details, and straightforward answers. So I am stuck, unable to proceed, move forward. Not unless I want to end up drowning in a pile of shit. This situation is determined to kill me one way or another. Maybe I should just let it. But I can’t because I am a perpetual fighter. Giving up is very attractive, but nigh on impossible to do.

The situation… I can’t talk about it. Why. Because the explanation spirals out of control when I try. And people run away in terror. Or look at me like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, then run away in terror when I ask them to solve it since they seem to think it is so easy to do so. That includes the experts you care hire to solve this sort of a problem. And yet I can’t do without them. So I wait. Staring into space. Space which is closing in on me. Cluttered space. No space at all. Can’t breathe. Suffocating. Need a cigarette. Must quit. But…

I’m fine. All is well in my world. How are you?

That’s all I can really say as a reply to my friend. Especially as their life is full of new, blissful, and exciting things. I don’t want to cramp their joy with my gloom. Besides, once I reply, I probably won’t hear again from them in another long while, so… keep it light and simple. Hit send. Log out. Then sit staring into suffocating space silently screaming.

**extract in photograph comes from Her Bungalow: An Atlantian Memory by Nancy  Mckay Gordon