The Self-Conscious Dance

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, yet still half awake, I had a vision of sorts, a semi-dream. The image I saw was of a woman, her name was Georgina, though how I knew this, and why that name, I do not know. I was observing her from a distance. She was in a dark blue bathroom, standing in front of a mirror with her back to a window. The window had net curtains blurring the view outside, a soft white light filtered through them giving an ethereal glow to Georgina, and they undulated in the breeze created by her movements. She was swaying to silent music. A gentle, private smile on her lips. Her long black hair cascaded in waves down her slender body, modestly shielding her nakedness. I thought to myself that she was very beautiful, not because of her physical attractiveness, but because of the fact that she was immersed in herself, enjoying her solitude and the freedom it gave her to be natural.

As soon as I had those thoughts, Georgina’s dark eyes moved away from her reflection, and turned towards me. She was suddenly aware that she was being watched, and immediately her demeanour changed. She became self-conscious. For a moment she debated whether to cover her nakedness, then she decided not to as she realised that I was admiring her rather than judging her. She became slightly coy. Her smile became subtly seductive, her eyelashes fluttered a bit, and her movements became a dance to please the watcher.

I snapped out of the vision, annoyed at myself for disturbing the intimate interaction that a being was having with themselves. It had not been my intention to observe such a private moment, but once I did, I was captivated by what I saw. Not because of the person I was watching, but because of the fact that those moments are rare to behold in others, and, in many ways, in ourselves too. When we are wrapped up in ourselves, alone, unobserved, free to just be as we are naturally, we don’t think about ourselves from the outside, but just experience ourselves from the inside. They are fragile moments as the slightest awareness of them shatters the calm and induces self-consciousness. Our mind kicks in and we start thinking of how we are being perceived, not just by others, but by ourselves too. We awaken the beast of judgment, and all the nasty little demons of self-criticism. Too fat, too awkward, too ugly, not good enough, unloveable, weird, stupid, uncool, and a millions other endlessly self-negating thoughts.

It is strange really. Self-consciousness has two very distinct meanings. The first is the one which causes so much grief, makes us behave as though we are on stage, performing, hoping to please the audience, gain applause, yet certain that we will fail and end up looking foolish. The second is the one which is supposed to enlighten us, give us an understanding of ourselves, detachment,  objectivity, and bestow the power of self-awareness.

The most overused motto of our times is – Be Yourself. The idea is a very good one, but as soon as we think about being ourselves, it becomes very difficult to actually be ourselves. Thinking about it causes much confusion. Who is this self that we are, that we are supposed to be, and how do we do it naturally when we are thinking about it and interfering in the natural expression off it.

We are most often ourselves when we are not thinking about being ourselves. Those moments are hard to capture. The second we think about it, the moment is gone. As soon as someone else enters the scene, the moment vanishes, and we become conscious of their eyes watching us, and their mind thinking about us, probably judging us, and finding us to be lacking somehow. Or is that just me.

So, what are your thoughts on self-consciousness? Do you find it easy to be yourself?

6 thoughts on “The Self-Conscious Dance

  1. Hi Ursula…. This was a lovely post that I only discovered today and I thought how interesting that no one had any thoughts on self consciousness? I think its so true that often we can over think and then we are thinking all kinds of things about ourselves which may not even be true and we are most ourselves in the naked moment of pure being when we just “are”. I wonder if I would have this over thinking thing if I didn’t have so many planets in air signs. And yet there is also something lovely about times of deep inward reflection where all kinds of insights and ah ha moments come into our deepest selves. At these kind of times its as though a door that was closed opens to reveal a room that we did not know was there (consciously) but on some other level we had intimations of? What do you think?

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    1. Thank you very much 🙂

      I think having as much Aqua as you do does tend towards journeys of thought which may be called ‘overthinking’. Since Mercury has be transiting Aqua my mind has been a scattered place more so than usual due to my natal Merc Aqua. I read an article recently that mentioned the tendency of Merc in Aqua to live in thought rather than in deed – to think about something so much that it feels done without ever doing it. I can relate to that.

      We move from Aquarius into Pisces, the air turns to water but the tendency is similar, to get lost within the realm of abstract thought and feeling. To see the connections between personal and the collective and to wander within for a while unaware that time is passing at a different speed within than it is without.

      However if that’s your chart, if that is you… that is copacetic. Be you as you are and let the flow flow as it does for you. Let the rooms reveal themselves where, when and how they do. The doors which are open beckon investigationa dn understanding. The doors which are closed, let them be closed.

      Let you be you… don’t worry about the you who you are not.

      If Aquarius and Pisces is your realm, be a master of it intimately… don’t worry about the areas that are the realms of others – that’s their mastery – and sometimes your mastery and theirs overlap and meet. You see what they see and it informs you.

      Hope that makes sense… I’m in nonsensical land at the mo. 🙂

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      1. What you write and comment always makes so much sense. I think it is a timely, lovely message you are giving me. To accept myself and allow myself to be me. I think its a very important message instead of making the way I am wrong. I feel a deep aloneness at times for being on a different path but lately I wonder why that need be a bad thing, its a good thing to centre within to honour oneself to be true to what the soul loves. When we dance we are in that flow. I deepen a lot when I am in alone time… it feels precious. a precious message from a precious person ❤

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        1. TY ❤

          Your path is the path your feet love to walk naturally, and part of the joy your feet find in it, which make your toes curl with delight, is because it is different. The music you dance to is your own beat, and it sings in your blood, making every atom of you dance.

          Being away from it due to trying to walk the path of others, makes one appreciate one's own path – the feeling that our path may be wrong, it's part of the being human experience. We sometimes have to stray to enjoy coming home to ourselves. Knowing our path is different can be painful at times, but it can also be a source of life and light.

          You being you is part of why the world turns and keeps turning 🙂

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