“Don’t think I’ll ever figure this out, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Not sure why though.
Why do people feel the need to denigrate others to prove that their side of the story is the only one which is right.
I know part of the answer to that, because I know my family better than I would like to know them.
Still, this woman is talking about things she didn’t actually experience first hand, it’s all a story she was told by someone else.
Mind you, she was told the story so many times, she now believes that she lived it.
She also believes that the person who told her the story loved her.
She believes she knew him better than anyone else in the world, but if that were true, she would know that he was incapable of loving anyone
That was one of his biggest frustrations in life, his inability to experience love within himself.
Which is why he chose the two women that he did, because they did not know how to love either.
So the three of them invented a version of love and made it the ultimate version of love. Folie a trois.
They fought viciously over him, he enjoyed that, encouraged it, engineered it, stoked the flames of hate because that was love to him.
And now that he is gone, all they have left is the fight over him, and they will never stop the fight, because they fear life without it.
The fight was exciting, it gave them such high highs and such low lows, a fantasy drug which made life more exciting, made them important.
That’s how he caught them both in his web, with the constant excitement of heightened emotions, a life of never ending drama.
They’ll never get why I don’t want to be involved in the drama, why I don’t pick a side, make it my life purpose to fight and die fighting.
They are not interested in understanding, thus they don’t even try. Their view is the only view, and they destroy anyone who doesn’t agree.
Their favourite weapon of destruction is to rip a person who disagrees with them to pieces with very vicious personal attacks.
They will say anything to crush opposition, if you try to defend yourself, then they know they’ve got you, and will go in for the kill.
What they don’t see with me is that they have destroyed me so many times with their words and attacks that I no longer exist in their world.
Their versions of me don’t exist, they never existed, but I did once think I was their versions of me, so I gave those versions life.
When they used to tell me who I was, I used to believe that’s who I was, then one day I woke up from their nightmare, and left their world.
They keep trying to suck me back into it, but once you leave someone else’s nightmare, there is no returning to it.
It’s odd to listen to someone attacking their version of you, knowing they believe that it is you, knowing they will never notice it’s not.
It’s strange when I think about it in retrospect, detached from it, yet tied to it by threads of the past, reminded by things in the now.
I grew up without a strong sense of identity, because my identity changed when their version of me changed to justify a new story they told.
One moment I was a genius, then an idiot, then very evil, then extremely good, a spoiled brat, a brainwashed sap, a victim, a victimiser.
And on and on and on until I was everything, everyone, nothing and no one.
It made me realise that we can convince ourselves of any identity we choose, and become that for as long as we believe that as our reality.
And we put a lot of effort into creating and maintaining our identity of choice, even when someone else chooses that identity for us.
I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out who the real me was, desperate to have a real identity because it seemed vital to have one.
When I couldn’t find a real me, I gave up looking and just relaxed about it. Strangely enough I still exist even without a definite identity
Sometimes the best way to find yourself, the real you, is to stop looking, because you’re right here.
And you don’t have to prove who you are, because there is nothing to prove, you are you, and that’s that.
Yet who you are is fluid, not fixed, it moves with you, through you, in everything you say and do, it learns, changes, and evolves.”