I’m not really able to write blog posts at the moment. I’m feeling a little blocked. However I don’t want to retreat back into complete silence. Twitter is proving to be very useful in communicating what I am feeling and going through, so I’m posting my recent tweets plus the tweets of others which I retweeted, because I connected with their words and they are a part of my Twitter therapy session. I hope they don’t mind. It’s a way of keeping track of things, a way of seeing, of gaining awareness, and a way of reminding myself that this too shall pass… or something along those lines.
“Sometimes I really don’t know what my life wants from me.
I have endeavoured throughout my life to learn from my experiences, and to use what I have learned as a guide to living.
The ways in which I don’t like to be treated, I try not to treat others that way. If I don’t like it, my guess is that others don’t either.
The ways I do like to be treated, are the ways I try to treat others, because I enjoy being respected, I offer respect to others.
It’s a simple approach, but it seems to make sense.
I’ve had my fair share of good things, and a large portion of not so good things. I don’t think I’ve had more or less than others. Different
I’ve done the best that any rather damaged and strangely put together individual can. I could have done better, but I didn’t because I’m me.
I quite like myself and my life, I stitched them together with my own hands, and so what if they look like Frankenstein’s monster.
Sure there are things I don’t like about myself and my life, but they’re still mine, so there’s a certain affection even for the broken bits
Wabi sabi zen and all.
If I survive 2013, then I’m getting myself a standing ovation for Christmas.
This year is really just throwing everything at me.
I know, when life throws shit at you, turn it into fertiliser for your garden.
Don’t live in the past… but what if the past chases you down and forces you to relive it?
I’m different than I was then, for starters I’m much older, and age has given me a certain detached acceptance.
Which is very helpful when dealing with people who are behaving as though the past is still happening in the present.
One particular person who is irrevocably stuck in the past and thinks I should be too, is proving to be a vicious piece of work.
But I’m used to that kind of behaviour. I grew up with it all around me, and it made me choose not to become like that.
I have seen the darkest depths of others’ twisted darkness, and I know what lies within the darkness. The fear, pain, and bleak emptiness.
We all have that darkness within, it comes as part of the human package we get at birth. Not all of us get stuck in it or act it out.
When you are made to feel like a powerless subhuman entity for a long period of time, you develop a lust for superhuman power.
Only there isn’t really such a thing as superhuman power, just an illusion of it. Sometimes that illusion seems very real.
Those who seek to have superhuman power tend to find people who they think are weaker than them to act out their fantasy.
Thus continues the cycle of abuse. Hurt breeding hurt. Pain leading to more pain. And so on.
Verbal abuse is very pernicious, because we all indulge in it now and then, so we dismiss its effects. And the wounds are hidden within.
The wounds which are hidden inside of us are often even invisible to ourselves, until something reminds us they are there.
The problem with inner wounds is they are very difficult to heal because they live in a dark, damp, and enclosed place. No air to breathe.
So the wounds fester, and the pain infects everything else, until a person lives in a world of endless pain… which they share with others.
I realise this person is in permanent pain, and is generously sharing that with me, blaming me for everything that has nothing to do with me
I can’t cut them out of my life at the moment, so I have to deal with them as best as I can without being infected by their hatred.
Hate is a very infectious virus.
My immune system is up to it, for now, and can deal with their hatred… in fact I don’t think I’ve actually hated anyone for a long time.
This person is really doing their best to remind me what it is like to feel hate.
I am angry, but hate requires too much dedication and obsession. Anger passes like a storm, hate is like a tar pit.
And I know it’s because it’s the only emotion they have right now, maybe it’s the only one they have left and so they cling to it to feel.
I did have a moment today of wondering how I go about borrowing a lightening bolt.”
RT part of the session:
“Only a fool would assume that a fool is only a fool.” – @reloaded2013
“..Delay the emotions” – @Mirrorinthesky_
“the only waking thing i could remember about the dream i was having was a pretentious voice saying “REAL satanists, not like the ones who–“” – @chanonista
“Just because you were damaged doesn’t mean you have the right to damage others.” – @TheDailySchmuck
“Contemplating life. Yep.” – @Jeffstruth
“I didn’t hit the bitch who hurt me .. So for today I think I win.” – @CertifiablySane
“I notice. I just don’t always let on that I’ve noticed because it feels like I’m signing a contract which says I have to notice all the time
You can probably tell that I talk with myself more than I talk with other people.
Talking with other people usually means doing a lot of listening, and not much talking.
Whereas when I talk with myself, all of me gets a say, and all of me sometimes listens too.
Time for me to talk with myself through images.
Night all, wishing you a bunch of good shit to balance out all the bad shit that comes free without wishing for it.”