The other day I burned my index finger rather badly. I threw an old box on the fire, and a piece of hot melting tape flew off and glued itself to my skin.
I like to approach seemingly random events, from different angles. It makes life more intriguing. One of my preferred angles is to find a meaning within something which appears fairly meaningless, other than the obvious. I burned my finger because I was being careless, I was careless because I was distracted, the distraction was due to thinking and doing several things at once rather than focusing on the task at hand. But what if I burned my finger because I knew it would get me to pay attention to something which I was ignoring, either deliberately or through more distracted carelessness.
I have noticed that I tend to burn myself whenever I am angry with myself. I couldn’t think of any immediate reason why I was angry with myself. I was annoyed at the time. There is a lot going on in my life at the moment which is extremely frustrating, and one person in particular is testing my ability to stay patient to the limit.
Once I’d taken care of the burn in a practical way, I decided to look up the meaning of the index finger. The index finger is the one we use to point, sometimes accusingly, sometimes to draw attention to someone or something. So, was I trying to point something out to myself. If so, then what.
On looking up the meaning of the index finger, I found that it is associated with Jupiter. I didn’t read any further than that. Just before the accident I had been writing about Jupiter – my natal Jupiter in my astrology chart, trying to get a grasp on it, mainly because I was seeking a way to represent it visually for my photography project. What a coincidence! On rereading my words, I decided that what I had written was crap, scrunched it up into a ball and threw it in the fire. I guess the ghost of my scribbled words thought I was crap and threw some fire onto me.
My natal Jupiter is in Libra in the 2nd house. The 2nd house represents personal values. Libra’s glyph is the scales, and Libra represents balance and imbalance, particularly in relationships. Jupiter tends to expand everything it touches infusing it with buoyant energy. How I interpret this is that my sense of fair play is a very strong influence in all of my interactions and relationships. I feel it is very important to understand all sides of a matter, to hear and try to grasp everyone’s side of a story. To acknowledge that we are all equals, all have a right to our version of life and events, that there is no true right and wrong, just that which we have experienced, and that which is right and wrong for each of us individually.
So, with the particular person who is sorely testing my patience, one of the ways in which I maintain that patience is knowing that they have a right to be and do as they please. That their side of the story is real and right for them.
However, I have found that this intense sense of fair play often trips me up. I occasionally get so caught up in understanding where others are coming from, in acknowledging their side of an issue, that I forget about my side. The opposite sign to Libra is Aries. The warrior spirit. I have Saturn in Aries in the 8th house, the house of other’s values, which is a difficult position. My natural urge to stand up for myself and fight for my rights is crushed by a sense of duty to others, even if others are being unfair. At the moment this dynamic is in sharp focus, and there is a constant tug of war between self and other.
Recent events have been forcing me to not only remember my side, but to stand up for it, and stand my ground. Especially when my side is being dismissed as irrelevant because the others involved don’t care about any side other than their own. To them their version of life is the only one which is right, and thus everyone who doesn’t agree with them is wrong. They demand constant affirmation for their side of the story, but they dismiss anyone else’s right to have their own version of the story. No one but them knows the true truth. And their true truth is usually rather awful. How they manage to survive in a world where everyone else is dreadful and they are the only good person alive is a miracle.
I can’t even begin to explain how much that attitude pisses me off. When I point my finger at someone, I am very aware of the fact that the other fingers are pointing back at me. I always question myself in such cases, to see how much of my accusation applies to me too. I want to be fair, find a balanced view, which incorporates all sides. I want to put my finger on the sweet spot which satisfies everyone. It is an ideal, of that I am aware, and I am happy to settle for something which is less than ideal as long as it is fair.
In this particular case this person is intransigent, and wants me to buy into their view and do things their way. Their way does not suit me, in fact I will end up badly if I follow their lead. Doing things my way, which takes them into consideration, will work out well for all. They don’t care, all that matters to them is getting their way, and thus every time I refuse, they have a tantrum, are abusive, and point their finger at me accusing me of all sorts of things which are being said in an effort to crush me and in theory convince me how right they are and how wrong I am. Apparently the best way to win someone over to your side is to tell them they’re an idiot.
The worst part of it all, is that I am used to dealing with people like this, I know the game. I know this person will never acknowledge my right to exist as a separate and equal entity. This saddens me, not because I need their acknowledgement. I don’t. But because this attitude makes something simple into a never ending dramatic nightmare for all involved. There is no point in pointing my finger at them, and so perhaps my finger is angry with me. It wants to point at this person and say – You keep levelling blame at everyone else for the misery in your life, yet you never once look at yourself and ask yourself if you are to blame for the hurt and pain you suffer, and freely hand out to others to pay them back for the shit you think they’ve done to you. Perhaps your attitude is the reason your life is so difficult. If you accepted some blame in the matter, maybe you’d have some real power, and wouldn’t have to try and steal power away from others.
I have accepted blame in the past which was not mine just to appease blamers, and try to resolve this bloody mess. It doesn’t work. They just treat you as a confessional, dump their blame into you, and run off happy, free to create more mess and more blame to generously give to you. I am now closed for business and others can keep their blame.