Yesterday I was going to post something I had written about dyslexia being a good lie detecting device. However on re-reading the piece I decided not to post it. I was concerned that it would not interest those who don’t have dyslexia, and those who do have dyslexia might also find it uninteresting. I got annoyed with myself for that attitude, especially as writing about my experience of dyslexia has been very enlightening for me. I have never really focused upon it, not to this extent, it’s something I have always had, it’s normal for me, and focusing on it just seemed as pointless as focusing on the fact that I have freckles or red hair. I’ve read a couple of books about it, done some research… Now I’m boring myself.
I looked at my Wp stats, which I forget to do, and in truth I’m slightly scared of doing that as it could influence me to only write about the things in my most read posts. I keep having to remind myself why I blog, what my posts mean to me and why I write them. The inspiration which keeps me doing what I’m doing. However since I tend to change the things I’m doing because by doing them I change myself, thus what I do changes because I’ve changed… well, it is normal for me to change directions and focus.
I can explain this tendency best by using my astrological chart. My identity, who I am and what I’m like, is very much described by having natal Pluto and natal Uranus in the first house. Pluto, retrograde, there means that I cyclically go through internal deaths and rebirths. Uranus there means I get bored very quickly with what I am doing and can’t continue with it, as far as I’m concerned it has served its purpose and it is time to move on to something else, preferably something new which I have never done before. If I stick with something, then I usually have to rethink it entirely to give myself renewed motivation. It is very difficult for me to separate the two planetary energies as they are tied together, work in unison, and have certain things in common. On the plus side they can both take a beating from life and rise up stronger than before. On the minus side, they are both prone to fundamental arrogance.
While waffling over what to write and post instead of the dyslexia piece, I noticed in the search criteria part of the stats that someone had been looking for information about the dark side of Pluto in the first. My mind sparked. Ha! I thought, I know all about the dark side of Pluto in the first, I effing live it. But my Pluto is retrograde which means the destructive side of Pluto is focused inwards at myself. Self destruction on a daily basis, and the fight which goes with it. At the moment I have managed to mitigate that tendency by channeling it into an addiction, smoking, I want to quit as it is harming me, but if I do that self destructiveness will need another outlet, if I don’t find one it will cause havoc. I know this from repeated experience.
So I decided to write about Pluto in the first, but as I did it, the sheer arrogance of the piece annoyed me. I don’t like being arrogant. It can be fun to have that energy coursing through you for a bit, but… no. Not good for writing. Not for me anyway… or am I missing a crucial point? As my arrogance was subsiding, I remembered that I had already written about Pluto in the first, the dark and the less dark side. I hate it when I repeat myself. I roll my eyes and make faces at myself. Yet I do repeat myself a lot, a habit developed by growing up around people who never listen, and also a by-product of dyslexia which makes me want to explain things I’ve said in as many diverse ways as possible to avoid misunderstandings and to be sure that I have managed to get my point across clearly, although I usually only succeed in confusing those listening… if anyone is listening, other than myself. That’s an important thing though, to listen to what you are saying, so many people don’t listen to themselves. I get very pissed off by people who expect me to listen to them, but who are not listening to what they are saying to me. WTF! If you’re not listening to your talk, why should I? Especially as people who do that tend to say the same thing over and over again. I understand why they’re doing it, I do it too… it does stop once I listen and hear what it is I am trying to point out… most of the time. Bonnet bees can be a problem, but they are also a solution.
So, another post on the heap of not to be finished and posted. I thought about writing about change, something that happened this weekend brought how change sometimes works sharply into focus… but no… then a gripe which has been niggling away at me stepped forward and suggested I write about it again, something is stuck in my system and when that happens I usually have to go over it again and again until I get the message it has for me. Reviewing things ad nauseum is also a by-product of dyslexia. It’s a form of OCD due to not trusting my mind to have understood something. Anyway, I decided not to write about that either. It revolves around an argument I had with someone, someone who, like my parents, never listens, and when they do listen they don’t hear what I’m saying just what they’ve decided I said instead, who also never shuts up, because the constant noise from the talking stops them from hearing anything they don’t want to hear, which is pretty much anything anyone else has to say. That argument with that person brought to mind an argument I had with someone else recently.
There is a distinct pattern to events in my life at the moment, everything is intricately connected, seemingly separate issues have bearing on each other. It’s like putting a giant jigsaw puzzle together. I thought about writing about the other argument instead. Something about that has stuck in my system too… and it ties in with my astrology, and my dyslexia. Transiting Saturn is forming so many aspects to my natal planets at the moment all pointing to… well, in basic non astro speak, I’m going to find everyone irritating and have fights with them.
On a side note – I read an excellent post (shit I forgot to press ‘Like’ damn my errant ways!) – Blog #17 – My Thoughts on People’s Egos by The Esswhydee Blog – while reading it I thought how strange that for most of my life I have been the one to back down in an effort to end an argument, but right now I am being pushed to stand my ground. I am very tempted by my old ways of trying to diplomatically bring things to a quick resolution if possible. I find it incredibly easy to dismiss my ego’s needs as ego is a very superficial thing, and Pluto in the first, as well as Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd, prefers to delve below the surface, and is willing to sacrifice ego with a snap of the fingers. However I have swung to that extreme for far too long and I need to experience the other side of the scales. I need to be egotistical. That just feels wrong, yet… it is beginning to feel right. If I don’t I will be sorry, that much I have finally grasped.
Anyway… I gave up on writing all together yesterday, and decided not to post anything on my Wp. On tumblr I relaxed and expressed myself through the work of others. Dyslexia is a very visual experience, my mind communicates with me mostly by using visual shorthand, snapshots which hold masses of information within them, as images sometimes say more than words often in a clearer and concise manner. That’s one of the reasons I enjoy Pinterest too.
This morning the problem is still here. Yet now I can see how everything ties in together. Every idea I considered turning into a post. They are all spinning around the same axis. My attitude that readers won’t be interested in what I write, my experience of people not listening to me, old arguments nagging me to go over them because the part of the arguments which bothers me the most is that I am supposed to give way because the other person can’t admit that they may not be as right as their ego has told them they are, they can’t give way so we can reach an agreement which will suit them and me, they want me to give way, as I used to do, not this time, the changes affecting me right now point that out very succinctly to me. Pluto and Uranus in the first have understood what the transiting Pluto/Uranus square wants from me, and now they are trying to get that through my thick dyslexic skull… because I keep second guessing myself due to not trusting my mind, partly due to dyslexia, which is reflected in my chart as natal Neptune in the 3rd house of the mind, and having to double check, triple check, make sure, make certain… and sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, even when that leap is into ego.
That last paragraph is very… sorry… but that is how my mind processes information. A big mess of information coalescing into one image.
Anyway… I wrote this… better post it… mistakes and Uncle Tom Cobley and all before I talk myself out of it… does this count as a piece of writing for my blog?