I’ve been finding it harder and harder to concentrate on my internet activities at this time. I know I’m neglecting certain aspects of my social media bubbles which need some attention, but I just can’t focus. I try, but I just sit there staring at the screen. My mind is focused on a problem and can’t concentrate on anything else.
The problem which I am trying to solve is tricky and knotty. From the outside looking in, it seems fairly straightforward. If I discussed this problem with someone who doesn’t know the history, geography and science of it, they would wonder why it is not yet solved as the solution appears obvious. I know the obvious solution. I have asked myself repeatedly why I haven’t taken this approach. I know the answer. I have in fact tried to take that approach, but every time I make arrangements to do so my nervous system and body rebel. It’s not fear doing this to me, it’s the intuitive knowledge that this approach is the wrong solution. Yet it would be the easiest way of solving the problem in the present, but it would also cause a more problems in the future just after the present. Worse problems. At least that is what my intuition keeps telling me. The overwhelming feeling is that I am missing something, a fact, a hidden element, about the situation which will lead me to regret acting on the simple solution just because it is the easiest way to move this problem forward right now and my patience is wearing thin.
There is another simple solution, but it requires that another person behave in a logical and rational manner. The only reason this problem exists is because that person is being illogical and irrational. Yet they think that they are the only one being logical and rational. And they keep telling me, in an unpleasant and abusive manner, that I am the one being difficult and complicating matters. I can see how they see things. I can put myself in their place and look at the entire situation from their view. So I realise that there is no way in hell they are ever going to see things from my view. They are firmly entrenched in their position. They are right everyone else is wrong.
This means that I either do what they want me to do or I don’t. If I don’t, the problem does not get solved. However doing things their way is not the solution. Their way is a mirage which keeps moving further and further away. I tried to meet them halfway, create a solution to suit both of us. They pretended to meet me halfway, then at the last minute they moved the halfway line closer to them and further away from me. I did not move to the new halfway line. I stayed put at the actual and original halfway line, and I am waiting there, regrouping my thoughts and rethinking my strategy, weighing out my options, incorporating new data, such as the fact that this person does not keep their word, more to the point their word keeps changing to suit whatever mood or whim or emotional drama which hits them. The only option I can’t consider is walking away. They know this. They have something I need, and they are using it to reel me in and string me along. I know this. An impasse has been reached.
I am aware that there is some very heavy emotional baggage attached to this problem, which is why this person is behaving the way that they are. I am trying to be sensitive to their emotions. They are completely insensitive to mine. They admitted to not giving a shit about my emotions, they said so as they were dumping their emotions onto me expecting me to care about them and how they feel about the past and present and future. That’s okay, I never expected them to care. They never have, so why would that change. My emotions are not really relevant to this problem anyway, it is a legal matter. I do have emotions, I know what they are, I keep tabs on them to make sure they do not affect my decisions, and luckily I can almost completely detach from my emotions.
So what has all of this got to do with astrology? A while ago I was taught how to see my natal chart in my words. The writing above this expresses the astrology of my mind. How it works, and in some ways how it doesn’t work. My need to get to the root of the problem, to analyse it from every angle, to know my opponent inside and out, to see things from their side, incorporating sensory impressions, intuitive knowledge, and detaching from my emotions to have a clear view. That is Mars, Neptune, and Mercury working together.
In astrology, the parts of the chart which relate to the mind are Mercury, its sign, position, and aspects, and the 3rd house, the sign on the cusp, any other sign in the house, any planets therein, and any aspects to those planets. This gives you an overview of how the mind works, but of course there are many other factors which come into play. The chart is a whole, with many parts all linked, interacting and influencing each other, as the mind is part of a whole person, thus the mind is influenced by all the other parts of the psyche, as well as the external conditions a person is in.
With Mars, the god of war, influencing my mind, the mind becomes my weapon and my battleground. In Scorpio, Mars is intense, obsessive, and penetrating. My mind must be continuously honed into a sharp point so that it can cut through bullshit, deception, confusion, illusion, too much information, distractions… all things which Neptune and Mercury in Aquarius tend to create. I never forget anything. I don’t hold grudges, I would but it dulls my thinking, instead I file the information away for reference if it is needed. Forgiving is easy, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, it is often the only way to learn what is right and what is wrong. Forgetting is foolish. If someone does something wonderful for you why would you want to forget it? So if someone does something awful to you, why would you want to forget it? To not dwell on it is the way to move on, but forgetting… why… so they can do the thing to you again? The whole reason for an experience is to learn from it, if you forget the experience and the lesson it teaches, then you trigger a re-experiencing of the lesson.
With Neptune, the god of the ocean, influencing my mind, the mind becomes an ocean of thought and feeling. Sometimes when I think I feel as though I am deep sea diving, or drowning, being swirled around by a whirlpool no longer able to know which way is up and which way is down. Strong undercurrents flow, sucking me deeper, out to sea away from shore. I dream vividly, vastly, and my dreams tell me what my subconscious knows. In Scorpio, Neptune is not the Piscean mermaid combing her hair, dressed in pearls, and singing a merry song, it is a great white shark hunting, seeking, never resting, never sleeping or it dies. My sensory perception absorbs information, processes it and informs me of things which are lying beneath the surface. It is the part of me that lies dormant until it has amassed enough proof to understand, then it swims upwards to the surface, a fin breaks the water, a dark shadow circles, then lunges and attacks, baring sharp, slicing, tearing teeth. This is the part which observes people’s actions, the vibes they are emitting, the hidden tells they reveal, and compares them to their words to see if the whole being agrees with its mouth. If a contradiction or inconsistency is detected, this is brought to the attention of the conscious awareness. I often warn people not to lie to me, but it is not a threat, it is a plea, because I know that if something they have said or done bothers me, I will become obsessed with the irritation and search until I find its source. It’s exhausting.
Interestingly, Neptune in the 3rd has been found in the charts of many people who have dyslexia. I have dyslexia, and the description of how Neptune affects the mind is very similar to the description of how dyslexia affects the mind. I can see how my dyslexia works by following all the aspect lines tied to Neptune, as well as how Mars in the 3rd and Mercury in Aquarius play their part in it. The confusion which is an element of dyslexia makes me very anxious, which makes me frustrated, which makes me very angry, and the anger inspires me to cut through the confusion. My mind also tends to crash and shut down, needing a reboot when it absorbs too much information all at once. This can be annoying, but it is a blessing in disguise because it means that I have to take my time to think things through, review information, go over things again and again to grasp them firmly, and sometimes details which have been overlooked get spotted. It makes for a rather good lie detector.
With Mercury in Aquarius in the 5th house influencing the mind, thinking is a game. It’s fun to gather information, go off on a tangent treasure hunt, solve a puzzle, untangle a Gordian Knot (Mars wants to cut it, but for Mercury that’s too lazy and easy), decipher a code, explore a mystery, brainstorm, follow all the threads which connect everyone and everything, fly high into the dizzying heights of the universe of thought, then plummet down to earth and bounce from cloud to cloud. This is very usual when searching for alternate solutions to a problem. I can find approaches which may seem crazy, but are often very effective. It can also make something simple complicated just for the fun of it. The hard way can be very appealing to a mind which is easily bored by familiar patterns. I do have to regularly check to see if I am not making something easy hard just for a challenge.
People sometimes think I’m stupid, because I’m easy going, nice, friendly, silly, vague, a bit of an airhead. That’s fine. I can be very stupid. It’s not my business or problem what they think of me… unless they make it my business by messing with me because they think I’m an easy target. Then… sigh… they become a target. I will focus on them, dissect and dismantle them until I know everything which I need to know about their motives, intentions, needs, points of vulnerability, and anything else which I find along the way to understanding what makes them tick. I don’t usually use this for anything other than fleshing them out in my mind. I don’t go in for the kill. Or destroy them in their own eyes or the eyes of anyone else. I just like to know that I can, and that I won’t. They came a knocking. I said I wasn’t home. They kept knocking. I said go away. But they kept knocking.
I have a quick temper, but it takes me a long while to get very angry, angry enough to act on the anger. In truth, most of the time, I just can’t be bothered with vengeance, it’s complicated and requires too much dedication. My Mercury in Aquarius just wants to play, my Neptune just wants to sleep and dream, and my Mars… don’t mess with my Mars, because my Mars in a very roundabout, energy traveling along aspect lines way awakens the beast that is snoring, my Pluto in the 1st. Once it’s awake… Luckily y Mars is tied in wedded bliss of sorts to my Venus in Pisces who wants to love everyone, do no harm, and bring peace to the world. So Venus brings temperance to my Mars, who may shout a bit, but not loud enough to awaken Pluto.
When a problem presents itself, such as the one I am now trying to solve, at first I just groan. It’s an old problem in a new form, but the pattern is the same and my Mercury in Aquarius finds repetition dull. Sigh, not this again. My Neptune would like to find a solution which is universally accepted, everyone gets something out of it and is happy, and thus it is solved and we can all move on. But this initial approach can lead people like the one who is causing this problem, to think that I’m soft, weak, and easy to manipulate. When my Mars kicks in because my Neptune sense radar has picked up potential manipulation and bad intentions, the person being deceptive gets a slap in the face. This makes them angry. They thought they had me and then they didn’t. The Piscean quality of Neptune makes me slippery and elusive, an escape artist. Mars has Neptune’s back, and covers my softer side as it makes its escape safely behind my harder side. They get angry at me for suddenly having a backbone and not being a pushover, which makes them difficult, because I caught them out, and because I refused to allow them to get away with their sneaky oh so clever game. So the problem becomes even more problematic because they now have to prove to me and themselves that they are the good one and I am the bad one, they are right and I am wrong. I don’t care who is good or bad, right or wrong, it’s a crap shoot, and frankly in our alternate version of realities we are both whatever we choose to be (Mercury in Aquarius with a dose of Neptune). I just want to solve the problem fairly. I do want to win, but I don’t mind if the other person wins too as long as it is not at my expense, as long as I don’t have to lose for them to win.
Mind you, there have been times when I have deliberately lost so I could win… but that won’t work in this case. Pity, because I’m quite good at that tactic. That’s the Pluto influence.
I was hoping that writing about this would help me to find a solution. I have noticed recently that by writing and posting my story, especially the story to which this problem is connected, that it has helped to move the story on… it is almost as though there is some sort of magic at work, as though as I write my posts, so I write my life… rewrite my life… ugh, I can’t explain it… Neptune thinking in images and not being able to translate those images into words! I hope all these words, so many words… this cyber blood spilled over this problem… will in some way work some magic in inspiring me with a solution which is true and right…. and actually works!