The other day I posted some of my favourite astrology links. One of those was Alltop – Top Astrology News . I haven’t visited all the sites listed there.
A few days ago I noticed one of those sites which I hadn’t ever visited had a story which was a plea for help. I have to confess that I rolled my eyes and ignored it. I had never been to that particular site. So, yes, I was being an ass. A detached and don’t want to know ass.
I have my own problems to deal with. I have some rather intense and serious ones which I am dealing with in this moment in time. Legal ones. My father died and unleashed a hell I had escaped for many years upon my seemingly stable life, making it unstable again.
I grew up in a very unstable and dramatically volatile environment. Long story, some of which I have related in my posts, but I always downplay it. That’s my thing. Take drama and simplify it. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.
I also have issues connected to other people’s problems always eclipsing my own. I have always had to cede my drama from the very first breath I took… even before I was born… because everyone else’s was always worse than mine.
There is just so much ceding one person can do before they say enough is enough, I matter, my problems matter too, even if others think they don’t, even if they are not as bad as the dramas of others, they affect me and seem bad to me. I need some space to exist and feel my life as much as you exist and feel yours. If that bothers you… Eff off! Survival system activated defensive stance.
I recently had to deal with a completely insensitive friend whom I had warned in advance that my life was in flux due to my father’s death. I didn’t want to drag them into my drama. I was radiating emotional and other shite toxic mess. It’s my toxic mess, nothing anyone else needs to drown in. I told them to keep their distance. I knew their life was in flux too. So I thought I was being sensitive to them and to myself when I asked them to stay away.
They obviously didn’t understand or get the urgency of my message. They had a drama, a self-created one, they made their drama my problem because they blamed me for it. Some inane comment I made to them bothered them and they not only wanted me to explain to them why they had overreacted to what I had said, but they expected me to be sensitive to their needs when they were being insensitive to mine, and oblivious to the fact that I had asked them… I had warned them… to give me some breathing space… they ignored the warning. I blew a fuse. I don’t blow fuses easily.
They have since deleted me from their life. I don’t exist anymore to them. Probably for the best. I prefer it when others dump me. It means that I don’t have to explain myself, because explaining myself to people who don’t care about anyone but themselves is a waste of energy.
Besides, this person reminds me of my mother. Not a good thing. Those sort of relationships can be enlightening, but they can also be a Freudian mess. Better to cut ties and sail on.
So… shit happens.
I try to be a good human rather than an ass, but sometimes being an ass is the only way I know to protect myself from the damage I do to myself when I put others first and thus put myself second, or third, or ignore my needs completely and regret it because my mess gets worse and then when I finally can’t ignore it anymore it is such a mess that killing myself seems to be the only solution.
Dramatic, I know, but emotions are dramatic when they express themselves openly… and covertly… but especially openly.
I felt guilty about ignoring this stranger’s plea for help. Bad habits die hard. Then yesterday I noticed they had done a new post on their blog and so I followed the link and read it. WOW! This person whose plea for help I had ignored due to my own shit and shite was offering me completely freely some inspiration. I will always be grateful for and never forget their generosity and incredibly beautiful human spirit.
This is a tragic, poignant, and incredibly inspiring story, both astrologically and from a very human perspective. And because I have a cat I love deeply.
Please be warned, death occurs as well as life. Don’t read it if you’re in a vulnerable place.
Because sometimes you don’t have to compare your drama with the drama of others, it’s not a competition, no one wins or loses… because sometimes the lives of others are… just what we need to hear and experience vicariously to be able to understand our own. Their life inspires our own, their drama helps us to deal with our own.
Thank you stranger… I’m sorry for being insensitive… for being an ass… thank you for being so understanding and generous… and for inspiring me.