It’s My Dead Father’s Birthday Today!

What!?! Too callous for you? Being callous is a trait I learned from my undearly departed papa. Oh. I see. You think children should respect their parents no matter how the parent behaves towards the child, repeatedly, year after formative and beyond formative year.

That’s illogical.

If someone slaps you or punches you in the gut, either physically, psychologically, or emotionally, are you seriously going to tell me that you will respect their right to do that? You’re not going to fight back, retaliate in kind, or defend yourself from further abuse? Reallly!?!

Funny that. Physical abuse gets all the attention. It’s fucking awful and should get attention. However emotional, psychological… bruiseless and invisible… abuse… not so easy to spot… but so easy to perpetrate… often gets overlooked. Oh. I know. You’re aware that it exists. But do you believe that it is as deeply wounding as physical abuse?

Most of us do a bit of it, the bruiseless abuse, we lash out verbally, emotionally… say things in the heat of the moment which we later regret and often make amends for. We use emotional blackmail. Get hurt, make others pay for our hurt in kind. Shit happens. We’re all human. Who is perfect… no one except Narcissists, and we hate those fuckers. It’s acceptable to hate them, they deserve it, don’t they? Or are they that way because they were so emotionally and psychologically warped by invisible wounds that they decided never to be vulnerable to such things ever again… however they will make others vulnerable to such things, because repressed energy has to leak out somewhere.

So we are much more forgiving towards emotional and psychological abusers than we are with physical abusers. No? Yes? Not sure yet? It has a certain logic to it. Humans tend to base their opinions and judgements on what they can see rather than on what they can’t see.

See the logic?

But you can physically see the damage caused by years and years, from the very second I was born, even before I was born, of psychological and emotional abuse. Except I hide it. The body doesn’t lie, but the human being can. People who grind their teeth are reflecting hidden stress via their body. I have ground my teeth since I had teeth to grind. My mother bitched about the damage I did to my blankets, how, poor her, she had to fix them constantly. I never smile with my teeth… perhaps one day I’ll have enough money to buy veneers and no one will see the wear and tear. So no one will ever know, and perhaps even I can drift into not knowing. Deny and that which is denied ceases to exist or ever have existed.

I respected my parents once. I loved them once. Several onces. I did the dutiful child role of loving unlovable and constantly abusive parents thing. Then, one day… several one days… I realised that I wasn’t to blame for the shit they did to me and told me repeatedly was my fault. It wasn’t my fault that I was born and ruined their life. No. It was not. It was my fault they couldn’t love me because I was a bad daughter. No. It was not. If you have a bad child it is because you are bad parents.

Sorry for all those good parents who have bad children… my parents were not good parents. Period. Don’t believe me. Think it’s all my fault. Hmmm. Okay. Enjoy the thought. I respect everyone’s freedom to think whatever they want to think, just don’t impose your thinking on me.

My parents repeatedly excused their behaviour by cursing me with the – Just wait until you have children of your own – curse. Joke’s on them. The curse dies with me. I deliberately chose not to have children because I didn’t trust myself enough not to pass on the shit that was passed onto me. Sad? No. There are enough children in this world who suffer because their parents could not handle their own suffering… so they handed the heirloom of suffering on. I chose to stop the buck with me. When I die, the shit my family gave me so generously, dies with me. That’s my gift to the generations to come. Okay, it’s a bit questionable… but… I was taught to be this way. I do what I can with what I was given… then try to do a bit better than that.

ps. the astrology post is coming soon… this post just spurted out of open veins.

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