Last night I watched The Killer Inside Me, a film adaptation of the book by Jim Thompson of the same name.
I’ve read the book. A while ago. I created a film inside my head of it as I read it, so I was curious to see if the film version was similar to mine. It was and it wasn’t, of course. Every person who reads the same book, sees a different version of it. The book which the author wrote and the one which the reader reads is rarely the same.
We find that which we seek, what satisfies our needs, in the creations of others. When we don’t, we don’t connect with the words or the work. When we do, it speaks for us, for the parts which we may not be able to express ourselves.
The night before, I watched another film, God Bless America, which was written by one person, but which reminded me almost exactly of a short story written many decades earlier, For All Rude People by Jack Ritchie. A very simple tale which stayed with me after I read it as a teenager.
The theme of both films is of a person who can no longer stand their life as it is, they feel trapped by the role they have taken on, a socially acceptable role which they play like an automaton set to automatic pilot, which does not satisfy their inner self. Their inner needs are crying out to be heard, acknowledged and sated. The longer they ignore their needs, the stronger the pressure inside builds until a breaking point is reached. The person snaps. Both characters decide to resolve this duality between the inner and outer self by resorting to radical violence. Destruction being the only way they see to break free from an impossible trap in which they have fallen by their own hand… yet they blame others for keeping them stuck there.
So. What has this to do with Mars in Cancer? Well, the god of war has just made its transit into the sign of emotional sensitivity. With all his heavy battle armour he is being asked to swim in a deep ocean. This is not his happy place, on the contrary it is his undoing. If the god of war keeps his battle armour on he will drown, so he must remove all that weighs him down in order to swim, survive, and live to fight another day.
Much of what I have read about Mars in Cancer warns of deep seated emotions being stirred up, rising to the surface, rawness unleashed and exploding outward. That which is hidden being revealed, like a volcano under the ocean pushing up to the world beyond the surface calm.
The very day that Mars made its ingress into Cancer I immediately felt its effects. It happened on my dead father’s birthday. My emotions exploded. I wrote three posts in rapid succession, spewing trapped emotions. I spent too much time in the Sun, eager to absorb as much of it as I could because Summer and sunny days are fleeting where I live, and I managed to give myself a mild case of sunstroke and a sunburn. I drank too much wine on an empty stomach. I ate something I knew would disagree with my digestive system. I lived very suddenly to regret it. I was very ill and spewed my physical guts much in the same way that earlier I had spewed my emotional and psychological guts on my blogs.
That night my sleep was very disturbed and disturbing. My dreams showed over and over again all of my deepest fears in 3D, surround sound, and vivid colours. The last one haunted me long after I had woken up. It involved a person, someone who has been causing me much grief recently, finding my blog, and my worries that they would read the posts in which I reveal how I feel about their behaviour towards me. I wanted to delete those posts, protect them from the truth, but really just protect myself from the inevitable fallout of speaking and expressing my truth. But another aspect of my dream self stepped in and stopped me. It told me that now was the time for me to stop hiding from what I truly feel for the sake of false peace and for the sake of aiding and abetting the delusional fantasy of others.
This has been a problem I have been struggling with since I was an infant. My needs being dismissed and overruled by the needs of others. Those who were supposed to look after me, switched roles with me and ordered me to look after them. My needs became irrelevant, and theirs became all that mattered. If I rebelled against this, I was punished. Eventually I learned to look after my own needs, and their needs. One of my needs became the need to shut the screaming needs of others up by giving them what they wanted, even if it meant my giving them everything which was mine, depriving myself of essential nurturing to nurture someone else who could not nurture themselves. It became a twisted way of fulfilling my own needs.
I eventually broke free from this life and those people. But I didn’t face the problem, not properly. So… when you run from an issue… it chases… and one day it catches up… the day you stop running and relax ,thinking it will never find you… and it gives you another chance to deal with it.
I’ve had enough. I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking anymore (Network). I’ve done my time pleasing people who are never pleased. Taking crap from others because they don’t have anything else to offer and for some reason I am willing to take it because… because why? Why accept crap from others if they are unwilling to accept crap from you in return. In fact they’re not willing to accept any of you at all, they need you to be who they want you to be, and who they want you to be is a toilet for all their shit. They can’t deal with their own shit, so they find someone else to do it. And why do we offer this service to those who don’t deserve it? Out of love? Out of duty? Out of a feeling that we deserve this? If we did it because it satisfied our own needs, then at least it would be quid pro quo, but it never is, because even if we are punishing ourselves for some unknown or known reason, we only satisfy a superficial need, not the deep seated yearnings within us… and these eventually rise up in rebellion and force us to break free from our own willingness to give servitude to another. Own your needs. And let others own theirs. Stop passing the buck of need fulfilment or satisfaction will never be guaranteed.
Is this the message of Mars in Cancer perhaps? Owning our real needs and learning how to fulfill them ourselves. Letting go of fulfilling the needs of others when it means depriving ourselves in the process. Making others accountable for their need fulfilment, and accepting that we are accountable for our own.
Mars is very uncomfortable in Cancer, and that discomfort is the friction which urges the inner self to rise up against suppression and oppression of self by self and others. Emotions which may have been a slow simmering whisper in the gut are now amplified. Jupiter is also transiting Cancer for a long while, so anything which happens there will be augmented. Feelings will be felt in full force, strongly, violently, and overwhelming all the blocks which we have in place. Deep urges of screaming needs will course through us seeking release and fulfilment.
Will we kill ourselves unable to handle such pressure, blaming ourselves for everything we have put up with, for living a life which isn’t the one we want, for putting up for way too long with crap we never wanted and don’t deserve, or will we lash out and kill others, blaming them for all the crap which they force fed us, accusing them for being the reason our lives are not our own, wanting them to be as sorry as we are, feel every feeling we have ever felt and more.
Is there a path between the two extremes, perhaps to be found, of all places, in the Uranus/Pluto square. Pluto urging us to break down the structures we have in place which deprive us of what we truly need, and Uranus urging us to break free and be radically authentic and honest and open with ourselves about ourselves.
For a very interesting take on Mars in Cancer – Mars Enters Cancer and the Summer Heats Up by Lynn Hayes / Astrological Musings