This wasn’t going to be an astrological post. Is it? I don’t know… Initially this was going to be a post in the form of a letter to all those people in my life who have seen me as the enemy, the problem, the difficult one whom they had to fight, put in her place, prove wrong, and spread the word, warn others, about who I am even though they never actually bothered to get to know me because they were too busy projecting their disowned parts onto me.
I woke up writing this letter. It was a Thank You letter. I…
I just got interrupted by a phone call and now I can’t remember what my train of thought was. Easily distracted. Mercury in Aquarius. Tangent calling. Don’t go this way, go thataway. Yes, I can see what I was writing, reread it, and perhaps if I focus enough I’ll be able to return to it. But it’s in the past now, and perhaps that interruption was the universe’s way of telling me that I was flowing in the wrong direction, nudging me in a right direction, or perhaps it was just an interruption.
The voice on the other end of the phone line is still in my ears, repeating the words spoken. My mind is double-checking what they said, reviewing it, analysing tone of voice. It was the voice of a little girl, but the words spoken were about business. That confused me at first. Why was a little girl calling me about business matters? Strange. I can’t shake that impression.
Her voice reminds me of the one I used to have. I used to talk in a little girl voice well past little girl age. Why? Wheedling. Phobia of talking to strangers. Needing them to like you so they’ll help you. Little girl lost please help. When did my voice change? When I stopped fearing the reactions of others. When I learned to trust that I could cope with whatever others threw at me. When I realised that my little girl lost voice was confusing people like that woman’s confused me. People did not take me seriously. Do they now? Now… What does my voice sound like now? Sometimes I think I sound like a… What descriptive word am I looking for? What’s the image in my mind?
Stern? Stern of a ship. Zebra. Life of Pi. The words at the end of the movie, the question about which story was preferred… reminds me of that alien film. Similar question, same point made at the end of that too. Which story, which version of reality do we prefer, choose to believe, tell ourselves enough times so we’ll believe it, be convinced, tell others too, if they believe us then it is easier for us to believe us too. Do we really always choose the more fanciful version? Why is the fantasy easier to believe than the… I was going to say reality, but… Ouroboros. What? Why? I don’t know, that’s what popped into my mind. Fantasy eating reality eating fantasy eating reality. Not eating, the opposite, regurgitating, throwing up. Maybe Ouroboros isn’t eating itself, it is regurgitating itself. Make sense? Maybe not. Sukiyaki Western Django. Three in a row. Three different Djangos. Three different versions of the story. Which is real? All, none…
Love that name. Django. Django, Django, Django. Sounds like jangle… bracelets… bells… or is it djangle? I like it spelled that way better. Spelling… casting a spell… using words. I’d never thought of it that way before, never seen that the word ‘spelling’ has magic in it. What does this mean? Nothing probably, but I could make it mean something… someone probably already has. Everything has been done before, thought before, said before, but when we don’t know that it has… we think we are the first to do it, think it, say it. That’s how it goes. Maybe one day we’ll all know everything together. One mind… Borg. Universal consciousness from the collective unconscious. Neptune.
Neptune in Pisces talking. Illusion, delusion, idealism. Memories. Reminds me of that person who hoped that the human race would take a giant evolutionary leap forward just so all the things they don’t like about the world would be solved and they would not have to face any ugliness or confusion anymore. Magical thinking. Idealism can lead to oppression and uglycide. Getting rid of all which disgusts. But what is ugly, what is disgusting, what is beautiful, appealing, we don’t all agree, who gets to decide, make the final call.
If the choice was left in the hands of those who see me as the enemy, the problem… get rid of the problem and the world becomes perfect. A perfect world. What happens once perfection is reached. Game over. The games people play. You’re one of us, I approve of your existence, you’re not one of us, I don’t approve of your existence but I need to keep you around so that you can make me feel that I belong to a superior group, your outcast status is how I know I am… what?… incast? That’s not a word. It is now, I just used it. You made it up. No, it made itself up. Arguing. Not arguing, debating, discussion, creative friction.
Love to argue. Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd. The shark. Swimming in the waters of Neptune. Cutting through the flotsam & jetsom… jetsum… jetsam. Jetsam has an ‘A’ not an ‘O’ or a ‘U’… sounds like a ‘U’… why is it a ‘U’ and not an ‘U’ when it’s an ‘A’ and an ‘O’. Probably because you are an idiot. Idiot savant. Brainstorm. Storms in the brain. You’re probably mispronouncing things again. Dyslexia. Neptune in the 3rd. So much I don’t know. I know I don’t know… is that possible?
Same with the person who wrote that article which pushed me away from the Thank You letter post I was going to write. They are clever, very clever, too clever, too in love with being clever, they’re too attached to their cleverness, it’s making them stupid. Not stupid. No. Blind to where they are not clever, where they can’t see, where they would benefit from the seeing of others, the cleverness of others. But they don’t like others being clever, not more clever than them. It is threatening to their image of themselves. A false image. False idol. Idol worship. Warship. Their worship has turned them into a warship, shooting cannonballs at others. Heavy. Their energy is heavy, dragging them down. Trying to lift themselves up by pushing others down. The drowning victim who drowns the person trying to save them. Lashing out blindly, unable to see that they are their own worst enemy. Why is it so hard to see that? Asking it about myself more than about them. What we see in others… ricochet, boomerang, back at you!
I definitely would include them in the letter. I owe them a thank you. Their attitude rubbed me up the wrong way and… creative friction. They helped me realise things which I needed to realise… but that was before, what about now? I knew that I should not have read what they wrote. Mars square Mercury. Quick temper. Their attitude. Still rubbing. Wrong way. Nothing wrong with thinking you know something, it’s when you think you know and others don’t, that you are a teacher who has nothing to learn from your pupils, all relationships flow both ways, we all play both roles, balance.
They asked me about balance once. No, not balance, sharing. They didn’t listen, they asked a question and didn’t listen to the answer. Why? Why ask if you don’t want to know? Fear. Fear of being wrong, of not knowing, of hearing anything which might displease, disgust, be ugly. Neptune again. The need to have everything beautiful. But what is beautiful to them keeps getting smaller, narrower, limited. They see less and less beauty in the world every second of every day. Shadows closing in. The disowned self trying to be owned. Growing bigger. Let me in, it says. No. Too scary. Too ugly. Keep the shadows out, keep the light trapped inside. Closed mind.
When you shut your mind, build a dam between you and… your shadow self… others… shut everything out, be a shut in. A self created prison. Self control. Controlling others. Nothing gets in without passing through filters designed not to let anything in which upsets your pristine view of yourself. Soon nothing gets in. Stale air, stagnating water. Do things get out? What you allow out. Dry, brittle, lifeless, cold, censored self. Fear woven into every word which slips out. An anxious child being watched by a critical parent. Too much pressure.
That’s what the attitude is. It’s the pressure, the stress, the pain of having a closed mind. Too open and your brain falls out. Too closed and you suffocate your brain. Thoughts as air, oxygen, thoughts as fire, synapses sparking, thoughts as water, liquid, blood flowing. Okay. That explains that. Now I can move on. Keep swimming. So glad I read something I told myself not to read, intuition overriding intellect and proving itself to be a good ally yet again. How many times does it have to prove itself to you before you trust it. I trust it. I trust that it will not abandon me just because I question it and need proof. Waterproof. Proof of water.
Still with me? Or have you drowned in the water of my mind? Turned into a prune? It’s just a small bowl of mind soup, soup, soup, tasty soup, a taste, a not so tasty taste.
That is my stream of consciousness exposed, my experience of Neptune in the 3rd, of how I think, if it can be called thinking. It’s not as crazy as it may seem or maybe it is. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz… I need a pain pill I just gave myself a migraine. Flashing lights. Giant shimmering letter C, cascading waterfall of flickering brightness, in my left eye, right eye, which is which, I don’t know, your right or mine. Never mind its in both eyes. I can’t see. C.
Any other natal Neptune’s in the 3rd out there? Want to share your mind, a taste of your mind soup?
ps. I wasn’t going to post this. Too exposed. Trapped by fear of exposure. Do it anyway. Feel the fear. Freedom through self exposure. Reality changing. But I was told to do so by a voice. Voice again. A voice outside of my head in the shape of a human. Human being. Being human. Be…. ing. B. ing. Bing!