All About You… It Never Will Be

Dear Narcissist,

It’s strange really to think that writing about you, about my experience of you… should draw attention to me, and somehow not to you. Does it burn?

No… you’ll never know, just as you will never know so much which those you are not and will never be will know, because you are forever stuck in a prison… perhaps of your own making, but the chances are that even that is beyond your control. Does it burn?

You long so much to be in control, yet you will never have such a thing, there will, of course, be moments when you are self deceived enough to  believe that you have gained control… enjoy the illusion. You won’t, you don’t actually know what enjoyment is. Sure, you can fake it… but that is nothing special. Everyone can fake it. You’re rather less than ordinary. Does it burn?

How could you know, you feel nothing which is not stolen from others. You are an echo of them. Sad, but true. You never discovered who you were… and who you are is just one mask after another, none of them real or lasting. Does it burn?

You think you have found yourself, who you are, what your supernatural talent is… but it is borrowed, begged for, or stolen from someone else, someone you envy though you may call it admiration. But you never tell them, you just take, never give. Giving would make you vulnerable. As do so many things… you are so very vulnerable. Does it burn?

It is lucky that others don’t know how weak you are. That they believe the pretty pictures you paint for them with your words… oh so many words… do you ever stop talking and ever actually start doing? I doubt it… doing would expose you too much. You hide behind your clever mouth, your sneeringly condescending lips which smile upwards in a charming way, but which actually are upside down. It hurts to smile when you want to snarl, does it not. Does it burn?

What do you know of hurt, it is a word to you which when you utter it you use it to manipulate the hearts of those you deem weak and beneath you. You use it to gain what you think is power over them. They try to appease your pain, but your pain can never be appeased because it doesn’t belong to you. Nothing belongs to you. You are nothing, because you don’t know how to be something. Does it burn?

Sure you can be anything and anyone you choose to be, a shape-shifting shadow, but none of your incarnations are real, none of them last, none of them are you. Does it burn?

You exist only because others see you, notice you, give you body, shape, form, but when they get tired of your games, they leave, and then what… Does it burn?

No, nothing touches you, you are immortal, superhuman, beautiful, with no regrets. What an empty life. Don’t you ever wish you could be human and feel ugly, mortal, and filled with regret. Does it burn?

Yes, this is about you, you see yourself in everything and everyone, because you have no actual identity, only what you take and pretend is yours. Does it burn?

And no, it isn’t about you at all, it is about me. I wrote these words, And yes, you are a mirror, but you are one of those mirrors in a funhouse, you reflected other people back at them in a distorted fashion. It is funny until it isn’t. They can leave the funhouse, but it is your home. Does it burn?

Enjoy your superiority over me, over others, perhaps it is all you have, all which makes you real. It’s not much. But you are not much either, even though you crave to be so great that you are a much more than much. Does it burn?

Those who stick by your side, do you know they don’t care, do you know that all those who might have cared have been pushed away because they saw you for what you are and you could not bear such a thing. Does it burn?

You hate those who perhaps did and could have loved you. You surround yourself with those who will never love you. It is safer that way, and you will never know anyway what love is because it needs for you to let go of control, let go of… everything. Since you have grasped nothing… Does it burn?

No, you will never feel the burn. Does it burn?

You feel nothing. Does it burn?

You will never understand any of this, but you will pretend that you do and feel superior about it, feel it is all about you… It never will be. Does it burn?

No. Perhaps it is best if you are never burned as I am, or as others are… you do not have the knowledge of being human, thus you can never burn in the flames and be reborn. You’ll just burn and die. Does it burn?

Be grateful that you are empty… be thankful that you are immune to the burn even if it makes you immune to everything else, including the bliss of surviving the burn. Does it burn?

You may wonder, though I doubt it, why I keep asking you something which you can never understand or experience. Does it burn?

I hope it does.