A Standing Ovation… and Silence.

Daily Prompt: I’d Like to Thank My Cats

You are receiving an award –- either one that already exists, or a new one created just for you. What would the award be, why are you being honored, and what would you say in your acceptance speech?

 

This idea for a prompt came to me from a memory prompt. I had a flashback to an award ceremony I attended in a small auditorium. The awards being handed out were for academic excellence to the pupils of the small and pretentious school I went to for a couple of years. It was the sort of place to which Narcissists send their children, thus my reason for being there. I didn’t belong there, but… that is the story of my life!

The ceremony was interminable, and almost every child received an award, except for a few who, like me, so obviously didn’t belong and were made to be awkwardly and painfully aware of their misfit status. I suppose at least we had some sort of confirmed and acceptable status amongst the status junkies.

I did not want to go to the ceremony but my mother insisted, certain that the offspring of her brilliant loins would get something. I did not. She was annoyed, with me and with the school. She of course made a big stink with the headmistress, actually using the words – Don’t you know who I am!? – to which the headmistress replied – No, I don’t, who are you? (As in what are your social climbing credentials). This tiny match fell into the powder keg of my mother’s ego, she exploded and I had to leave the school shortly after that. It was no longer a suitable place for me.

I was very relieved. The only fun I had there was wearing the bloomers which came with the Spring uniform. Bloomers! Very puffy ridiculous things, quite uncomfortable, but most useful for storage of bits and bobs considered worth confiscating by uptight teachers. Not all the teachers were uptight, one was very lovely…

But anyway, I digress as per usual. Just call me the Drossmeister… that’s an award for me!

So… I really don’t have an answer for the question. I have a tendency to think nothing I do is good enough. It’s not that I don’t think it’s good, it just is never as good as it could be if I just applied a bit more effort and precision, and had more skill and knew more stuff. I’ve relaxed a lot more over the years and now I give myself a nod and a wink, and a friendly but forceful shove to get over the not good enough hump into the good enough for now land.

I have never done anything which I would consider award worthy by society’s standards. The closest I’ve come has been through blogging and receiving a couple of those fun and fantastic award nominations which are a great part of the blogging community. It was awesome to get those, and it made me understand why we have so many awards for so many things. They are a superb way to say – Well done! Keep doing what you’re doing!

However, since 2013 has been from the very start a most challenging year, and I have been tossed around like a ragdoll by many of the happenings within it, and I know that, although there has been a lull in August, a pause, a break to allow me to catch my breath, see what condition my condition is in, and regroup my thoughts and emotions, which have ranged from panic-stricken shock, to despair, to rage, and frustration… finally reaching a sort of restless Zen about everything… there is more debacle to come. An uphill climb, perhaps even a steep ascent of my own personal north face of the Eiger.

Well… when 2013 and hopefully this mess finally reaches a conclusion. I would like to give myself a standing ovation, and perhaps a small commemorative medal of kudos. A well done, you made it, didn’t think you would, but you kept going…. keep doing what you’re doing.

I wouldn’t say very much in my acceptance speech…

But…

I know that the award, the standing ovation, would not have been possible without the support of the internet, for practical reasons, and for all the weird, wonderful, and welcoming denizens who live here, and who allow me to be as I am and seem to accept me too, who let me rant, rage, emote and express myself, all my moods, thoughts, and to work through my issues and problems openly and at times quite crazily…

I am grateful for the assholes in RL who have made my life difficult, without them I would not have discovered my strengths and my weaknesses, nor would I have changed as much as I have and become someone I feel is better than I was…

I appreciate the moments I have had with caring strangers who have surprised me and given me unexpected gifts in the form of words…

I love the joy which my casual friends provide, the light entertainment to break up the dark days…

And I am deeply moved by the love of a few staunch friends, who never cease to show their love for me in action…

I am relieved to have the assistance of professionals who were needed even though I did not want to need such assistance, and who seem to know what they are doing, even though sometimes I have doubted their ability to do so…

And my partner… words for what he has done for me, now and since the moment our paths crossed and joined… will fail me at this point and I will fall silent, no tears, I do not cry often and never in public, very few have seen my tears, he is one who has and….

Silence…

And my cat, who has played a crucial role in all of this, which at first seemed an obstacle and later proved to be a life saver…

And most of all…

I want to thank the universe for being… for just being, because without the universe….

Silence.

Hmmm.

Thank you.

Bows. Walks away… trips, falls over, flat on face… ow!… Well done, said sarcastically to self… gets up, tries to look composed… walks off, because… we keep doing what we do until we’re done and then we don’t.

Advertisements