I Grab My Pen…
“When I get mad
And I get pissed
I grab my pen
And I write out a list
Of all the people
That won’t be missed
You’ve made my shitlist
For all the ones
Who bum me out
For all the ones
Who fill my head with doubt
For all the squares
Who get me pissed
You’ve made my shitlist.”
– Shitlist | L7
I try to be nice, considerate, caring, but sometimes I think I should stop doing that. I want to get along with others, but sometimes the effort is just not worth it, especially if I have to bend myself out of shape. I’m getting too old to be that flexible. Less tolerant too… to putting up with shit.
Is it me or is it them?
I used to always think that it was my fault, now I’m beginning to suspect that the fault lies with others. But do I believe that? Not really, it’s a bit of both, give and take.
The other day a memory popped into my head. This keeps happening. I suppressed all my memories for a while, experimenting with an idea. Years ago I used to fantasise about getting total amnesia. It seemed like a solution to so many things which were making my life a living hell. If I could forget who I was and what I had lived and… oh so many things, events, people… Who would I be? Would my life be different?
Then I figured that I wouldn’t enjoy my memory free amnesia because I would not recall that I wanted to forget, unless I left myself a note, and even then I would probably want to find out why I wanted to forget, and so my life would become a living hell of trying to retrieve the memories which I had tried to discard.
The memory which popped into my mind was of an interaction which I had on Twitter last Christmas. I was tweeting about how I feel about gift giving and receiving. Before those tweets I had mentioned that I was in a grumpy mood, but as I tweeted my mood lightened and I felt playful.
Then I received an @ from a friend. This emoticon 😦 was at the end of their @ to me. My mood went from light to heavy in an instant.
I quite like emoticons, they’re useful. But I prefer the fun ones, the ones which wink and smile and laugh. I like sharing my good moods with others. The sad emoticons, I don’t use those. I prefer not to share my bad moods. Unless I’m blogging but that falls into an exception zone in my mind. I grab my cyber pen to express and release. My posts are not directed @ anyone, other than myself, and people can choose to read or ignore them. Free will is fully operational.
When someone @s you they are not giving you free will, they are taking that away and demanding attention for their words and self. Which is fine as long as they respect your boundaries, and your… and you. Some people are too wrapped up in themselves to do that. The person who sent me that @ with the 😦 is one of those people.
They go on and on about how much they care about others, which is true, they care about others caring about them and their needs and demands. They care about how others affect them, make them feel, but they don’t give a toss about how they affect others. No, they do, they want to control how others perceive them, and they think that they do control it by controlling their image, but… it’s a fallacy.
This person was annoyed at a tweet of mine:
“To me gift giving isn’t about the person receiving, but about the person giving.”
They argued that for them gift giving was about the person receiving, not the giver at all. They loved giving people gifts and they didn’t do it for themselves, they did it to make others feel good. Giving was not about them, it was about others.
“Why? It is, think about how much of yourself you pour into a gift you give to another. Isn’t that beautiful?”
I replied via tweet @, feeling more and more drained by the interaction, knowing that this was a conversation that yet again was not about sharing ideas or understanding others, it was about this person and their needs, especially their need to define who they are to themselves using others.
We argued a bit more via @ and I tweeted this:
“Indeed. But when the giver expects the receiver to be grateful for the gift then it isn’t a gift. It’s a take.”
I don’t remember what that was in reply to.
Then the person DM’d me. And out came the real reason they were upset with my tweet and with me. They wanted to give me a gift, and I was making them feel bad about it. I told them that I was not making them feel anything or stopping them from doing what they wanted, I was just expressing my ideas, and one of those was that I liked people to know how awkward I felt about being given gifts and if I didn’t behave in an expected way when given a gift they should know that it was because of my gift phobia and not because of the gift or them.
They kept going on and on about how wrong I was. Then they said that this year they had decided to send a very special gift to each of the very special people in their life. They told me that they were going to send me something to express their love for me and what I meant to them.
Christmas came and went. They sent me nothing.
I thought nothing of them sending me nothing. It was their MO. They made all sorts of demands from others, and when others met those demands they were always disappointed and needed something else, something more, and made more demands. They were a setter of hoops for others to jump through with no reward for doing so.
A while later they again contacted me to let me know that once again I had upset them. They had asked me to Skype them and I had told them that since they knew I had a phone phobia, which I had explained in detail whether they were listening or not, asking me to Skype was a bit rich on their part. They insisted because they needed it. I said I’d think about it. They were hurt because I guess I was not thinking quickly enough about it for them. I said I was not going to do Skype for now. They gave me another sad face.
I don’t like to remind people of their failure to follow through on things which they said they were going to do, because I don’t like it when people do that to me. Simple. Move on. We’re all human. However…
I was annoyed so I asked them if they had sent me something for Christmas and were upset because I had not thanked them. As I received nothing I did not know if it had got lost in the mail or just that nothing had happened.
They said that they had not been able to get around to sending me anything because they had been very busy.
A while later when 2013 exploded in my face with unexpected drama, I ended up opening a Skype account to make certain communications easier. I emailed this person to let them know that I now had a Skype. They replied that they had recently deleted their Skype account and would let me know when they had a new one.
I also asked this person to beware when communicating with me at the moment because my life was in tremendous upheaval and therefore I might radiate certain energies which might affect them negatively, so perhaps they should avoid me for a while. This person was always underlining the fact that they were very empathic and absorbed the vibes of others too easily, which upset and hurt them very much. So, being understanding and respectful, I thought it best to stay away from them while I was caught up in the drama in my life which was stirring up major emotional mess inside of me.
They ignored me for a while, but then they had an identity crisis and proceeded to once again get in touch with me to let me know how much they were hurt by me, by something I had said to them. It was a flippant remark I made in a moment of lighthearted banter, which they then proceeded to take out of context and twist into a flail with which they then lashed themselves. It occurred to me that I never actually hurt them at all, they were using me to hurt themselves then blaming me for their own self harming.
It takes me a loooooooonnnnnnnnggggggg time to get angry. I have a quick temper, but it is a match which is usually out almost as soon as it flares up. And it is superficial. My anger is another matter entirely. Once that beast is roused… and I am quite adept at putting it back to sleep, but sometimes the beast needs to be allowed to wake up. This was one of those times.
This particular person had the innate ability to make me feel as though nothing I ever did or said was ever quite right for them. I often wondered why they bothered to interact with me at all if who I was hurt them so much. Because so many of our interactions began with them letting me know that I had hurt them somehow, that they were feeling hurt and it was either because of something I said or didn’t say, something I did or didn’t do. They would then demand an explanation which would make them feel better about the whole thing. As in I would have to apologise until they reluctantly and condescendingly accepted my rather disappointing gift of peace and can we move on now.
As much as they talked a good talk about being very in tune with the feelings of others, I guess I did not fall under that umbrella because they regularly trampled all over my feelings or ignored them entirely.
This time they had crossed a line with me, trespassed over a clearly defined boundary. I had asked them to respect the fact that I was caught up in a very intense personal drama and I would not have time for their dramas. Not one of my other friends has had a problem with this, in fact the support I have received has been very deeply touching. Many people have been put on my superb people list. This person on the other hand went onto my shitlist.
I do have a shitlist. It is a short shitlist, and I don’t grab my pen and add people to it very often. Sometimes I take someone off of it, but I usually think long and hard before I ever put someone on it. Because shit happens and I do shitty shit worthy of shitlists too.
I had told this friend that they would always be welcome in my world, I said that because they were always worrying that since they had a tendency to push people away, that they might push me away. I told them that they could never push me away, that if they tried I would push back. But I never said that I wouldn’t leave, not pushed by them, but pulled away by the beast of my anger who gets fed up with me when I allow others to disrespect me… repeatedly. How many chances do I have to give to others when I often don’t give myself the same gift!
Will I ever take this person off the shitlist? Do I still consider them a friend? Well, I don’t consider them an enemy. The only enemy I have is myself when I allow people to mess with me and just take the shit they are giving me as a gift.
This person helped me to make a huge change in my attitude, which has helped me to deal with the personal drama I am dealing with this year caused by other people who are on my shitlist. It has been a very emotional and very transformative experience, and for that I am grateful.
My shitlist serves to remind me of things I must not forget. I can forgive, but forgetting usually means I end up having to repeat an experience. And then I give myself a case of the regrets. The main thing that I must not forget is that I need to respect myself first and foremost or I’ll get taken advantage of, used, manipulated, drained and then tossed aside like a piece of trash, a broken toy, and my life will become a living hell of my own making.
Am I on my shitlist? Lightly in pencil… not in pen.
L7 – Shitlist
(please note this video does not contain violent clips from Natural Born Killers)
*Inspired by today’s Daily Prompt: Can’t Drive 55
Take the third line of the last song you heard, make it your post title, and write for a maximum of 15 minutes. GO!
And it took me more than 15 minutes to write this, not much more, not sure really my sense of time is about as good as my driving – I can’t drive!