Please note: This is an old post from my tumblr, Damaged & Dangerous, yet still relevant as Saturn is continuing its transit of Scorpio. A friend reminded me that I had written this and so, since I am too distracted today to write anything, at least anything cohesive, I thought I’d revisit the past, especially as at the moment I keep having before and after glimpses of the past pictured next to the present.
The other day I read a very thoughtful post written by an astrologer whose work is new to me. The piece is called – Private Battles: Saturn In Scorpio And What You Can’t Talk About – by Nadia Gilchrist of Ruby Slipper Astrology.
This part of it resonated deeply with me:
“So here’s to everyone struggling in the shadows, without applause or recognition. You’re still building strength and focusing power, and it’s more potent because you’re doing it on your own.” – © Nadia Gilchrist
I love astrology. I use it as a psychological tool. It has helped me to understand myself and my life better. In some ways I prefer it to psychology because it points out the positive aspects of personality traits and life issues as well as the negative. It gives a more whole and balanced view. It often offers creative and constructive ways to solve problems. And you really can’t beat some of the fantastic excuses it gives for behavioural quirks.
Sometimes I feel psychology just wants to tell me what is wrong with me, my life, what needs fixing, and everything seems to be a disorder. Recently I read about a psychological study which had concluded that some mental disorders are actually helpful. My reaction to it was sarcastic shock. I thought that it was an obvious fact. We are geared instinctively for survival, so everything we do is aimed at achieving that goal. If the world in which we find ourselves is crazy, then staying sane is probably going to kill us, whereas by going crazy we thrive. The hardest part is to undo what we’ve done to ourselves to survive one situation, when we are no longer in that situation, but in another one entirely which calls for a very different set of mental and emotional skills.
For instance, I have a very self-destructive streak. I call it the Dark Destroyer as it is connected to Pluto, and the intense Scorpio influence in my chart. It isn’t all dark, or negative. In fact I have relied a lot on this trait to free myself from the cages in which I have been caught, and the corners I’ve been backed into. All things, including personality traits, have flip sides. When this one is good, it is very very good, but when it is bad, it lays waste to everything in my life. Which is sometimes exactly what needs to happen for a rebirth to occur, and it can be very exciting and liberating. But it can also be a bloody nuisance. In the past this trait has been invaluable, but right now in my life I am enjoying things as they are, and I want to stick with it to see what happens if I do. The stability I have at the moment is new to me, and freaking me out, but it is an enjoyable kind of freak out. The problem is that my programming is still set to self-destruct, and I need to defuse it before it blows. The Dark Destroyer has gone from being a loyal friend to a fierce enemy, and a private battle is now in progress.
Private battles are the hardest battles we will ever face in life. No external battles against others, society, situations, and sometimes the world itself, will ever be as hard, no matter how awesome they are, because all outer battles trigger inner battles, and those are the ones which determine if we are victorious externally. Knowing yourself, what you can and can’t do, your strengths and weaknesses, your inner resources, your fears, flaws, talents, dreams, desires etc. establishes how you fight your outer foes. If you know yourself and embrace all of who you are, no one can use you against yourself. Unless, of course, you allow them to do so. Sometimes that is a tactic which is necessary, because sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war.
Getting to know yourself, who you really are, can be difficult, very tricky at times. We often get caught between conflicting selves, sometimes it is between opposing character traits, sometimes it is between who we would like to be versus who we truly are, sometimes it is between who someone else wants us to be versus who we feel like being. Society likes to pressure us to conform to its rules, regulations, and codes of conduct, which is fine if those things work harmoniously with who you are, but when they don’t, then we are faced with the tough choice between belonging and exile. Both have pros and cons, and choosing the battles we want to fight can become a fight all of its own.
I’ve used many words connected to fighting in this post because transiting Saturn is about to conjunct my natal Mars, the taskmaster is uniting forces with warrior. This should actually make winning my battle against the Dark Destroyer easier, but it will entail facing up to some hidden truths, eradicating lies I may be falsely believing, and bringing some precious secrets out of the darkness into the open light of day. Fun times ahead.
So, Does anyone else feel the call to face a private battle?