Breaking Bad Habits

I have watched Breaking Bad, but I did not make it a habit. I loved the first season, however there was one character who stressed me out too much and made the rest of the series impossible for me to view. My partner watched the whole series, most of it in back to back episodes. That’s how he prefers to watch series. He has a system and it is precise, intense and obsessive. He has a stellium in Virgo and Scorpio. Just like Walter White apparently.

For an intriguing take on Breaking Bad’s leading man’s astrological chart – Walter White: An Everyman for the Uranus/Pluto Age

My partner and Walter White do share certain traits. They are both self contained and in control of themselves. The person they present to the world is often underestimated by others because it appears harmless, and yet if you pay attention you can sense something lurking below the surface, a dark, dangerous and mysterious world. Just like Walter White, my partner is one of those people who could lead a double life and no one who knew who they were in one life would recognise them in the other life, nor would they be likely to equate the two people they were in their two lives. They are the sort of people who when their double lives collide into one others always say – But he was so quiet and polite… I can’t believe someone like him could do such a thing!

My partner is also an avid fan of Dexter. I liked the first series, and some of the second, but then I lost interest. My propensity to get bored of a series after a season drives my partner nuts. He likes to see things through to their end. To me the end is when and where I get bored.

Because of his passion for these series, I have asked my partner to let me know if when I am sleeping, or other times that we are apart, he is going out to be a serial killer or a drug kingpin. I like to be prepared for surprises, not that it would be a surprise. One of the things which drew me to him was that still water on the surface, lava bubbling and boiling underneath quality. I recognised myself in him. In many ways he is the male version of me, in others we are very different. I love his similarities and his differences.

I could have been a serial killer. I think I might have been if I had been a male. Is that sexist? Perhaps. But serial killers do seem to be male more often than female. However that statistic is based on serial killers who have been caught, maybe female serial killers are equal in number to male ones, they are just better at getting away with it. I would guess that the stats are correct. Men express their emotions more physically than women. Men are predominantly physical. Women are predominantly verbal. Women use words to kill rather than physical action.

And the character who embodies killing with words in Breaking Bad is Walter White’s wife. She is the reason I could not watch the show. Every time she appeared in a scene, I had to get up and leave the room. I wanted to kill her. She reminds me of my mother. So if I was a serial killer, I would be a stereotypical one. Killing people who remind me of my mother in an attempt to kill my mother over and over again.

Do my words shock you? See, women use words to express their emotions.

I believe in knowing my dark side (The Dark Passenger as Dexter calls it). Know your dark side, own it, be responsible for it, embrace it (in a passive way) and it has less hold over you. The darkness can inspire the light when it is brought into the conscious mind. I openly admit to it, and by doing so I expose it to the light and the inner shadows dissipate.

I’m not the only one who has fantasised about killing my mother. If you met her… I have watched her drive some of the calmest and kindest souls to rage and fury. She kills with words. She is relentless in her killing spree. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag… on and on and on and on. She is also blameless, everything is everyone else’s fault and she informs everyone of their faults and flaws until they want to either kill themselves or kill her. Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. She feels that it is her gift to point out to people what is wrong with them as she is perfect. She is completely insensitive and unsympathetic, with no empathy whatsoever. But she is very sensitive and the slightest remark from another can send her into a frenzy of hurt. Her ability to play the victim matches her ability to victimise others and then demand sympathy from them for what they did to her.

It’s strange… but my words are killing me. I write best when I smoke. When I don’t smoke, I can’t write. This has just dawned on me as I am cutting down on my smoking preparing to cut it out entirely. Will I lose my ability to write and share my words when I break that bad habit? Smoking has helped me to emerge from my self-imposed silence, to express much of my darkness and bring it into the light, which has helped me to resolve many issues. By releasing, I can let go and move on. Allowing the space to be filled by something less destructive and more constructive and creative.

Like my partner, and Walter White, I have a lot of Virgo and Scorpio in my natal chart. I am self contained and in control of myself. I too am still on the surface with lava boiling inside.

I always used to describe myself as a volcano, the kind which lies dormant for ages then one day… explodes. My explosions have been few and mild, perhaps because this volcano lies beneath the ocean, and the only effect of the blast is to send a tidal waves of emotion through my life washing away people who remind me of my mother and who treat me the way she did. She’s not dead, yet, but I talk about her mostly in past tense. I cut her out of my life years ago. She has returned recently. She has not changed a bit, but I have changed a lot.

I have for a long time been slowly working on breaking the bad habit of allowing people like my mother to behave the way they do with me. My mother trained me to accept this kind of treatment. To excuse her abuse, to not perceive it as abuse but as love, and to blame myself as she blamed me for what she did to me repeatedly. Bad habits die hard especially when you don’t perceive them as bad. She never perceives anything she does as bad. Nothing was ever her fault.

I attract people like my mother. Thankfully that is not the only type of person whom I attract. However they are the ones who trigger the volcanic emotions within me. My explosions and my containment of them can harm those in my life, like my partner, whom I do not want to harm. This has fuelled my ambition to sort myself out. If I am to harm anyone it is those who feel they can come into my life, take me over and treat me any way they please then accuse me of being the cause of it. My preferred method of harming them is to make myself repulsive to them so that they do not find me attractive.

My worst bad habit has been to hide who I am because my mother and people similar to her have made me feel that I had no right to exist as an individual, that I had to become and be who they wanted me to be to please them, and to make it acceptable to them that I exist… but even when I did become that person I was not who they wanted, did not please them and my existence continued to be unacceptable to them.

I have been a serial killer, regularly killing myself to be someone else. That spree has come to an end, I’m breaking the bad habit. I am determined to be myself, openly, uncesored… and then I will hopefully attract those who like me for who I am not who they want me to be. If they don’t like me, that’s their problem, making it my problem has been my problem for far too long and it has broken me repeatedly, now it’s its turn to break.

[A dream from Mars’ transit of my 12th – I dreamed that I was trying to dispose of three bin bags full of body parts. The disturbing part was trying to figure out when the bin collection day was, as I didn’t want the body parts sitting in the bins outside of my house. As I was trying to figure out the day, the bin collectors came and went and I got very angry with myself for being so muddle-headed.

My interpretation – I think those body parts belonged to me. They were from the versions of myself I create for other people to please them. I missed the bin collection because it is time for me to catch myself red-handed and face my crimes against myself. Time for me to be myself.]

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15 thoughts on “Breaking Bad Habits

    1. I had my birth time wrong (good old Nep in 3rd confusion about myself and origins). That was an expensive mistake (Cap Sun feeling that Square from Saturn and really annoyed with my Jupiter in 2nd). Taught me a lesson though, again, a Pluto/Uranus one – Stop asking other people to tell you who you are. Figure it out for yourself! 😉

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      1. Wow, talk about a mirror?! LOL This and your comment to my last post on my astro blog. I did that too when I first started getting into astrology. It was a Moon something reading with I think Dana Gerhart. I gave the right numerical time but gave am instead of pm so the Ascendant was a little bit right as it gave me an Aquarius Ascendant. Very little on the Pluto-Uranus conjunction, in fact nobody I’ve dealt (by computer reading) with gives it the attention it deserves. Nor my Sun-Moon 8th-12th house connection. I don’t know much about midpoints but Sagittarian Minds post on it made me check out my Sun Moon midpoint and guess what squares it almost exact…my Pluto-Uranus! So yep like you said, gotta figure it out myself! 😉

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        1. Seriously, you and I… 😉 Chart time error was the same, and because of having Uranus in the 1st, Aquarius rising seemed to fit. I think that the lack of info on Pluto/Uranus conjunct is a very Pluto/Uranus conjunct thing. It is exactly as it has to be because those with it have to define themselves and their path for themselves. And frankly when someone else tries to tell us who we are and what our path is… what do we do and think of that?

          It’s interesting that you have the luminaries in fire signs in water houses, and with Mars there too. When water and fire meet there is the obvious result and a less obvious one depending on what form the elements are in. When lava and water meet they can create obsidian. If you look up obsidian and its uses… in science, in healing and in metaphysics… well, have a look, tell me if you see what I see.

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          1. I ran across obsidian a long time ago probably in school and remember liking it because it was such a rich glossy black color with the beautiful wavy lines and some had a rainbow coloring in the black. That might explain when I was learning ceramics when I was stationed in Germany, I was determined to make something black and overlay that with mother of pearl glaze.

            I had no idea about its uses but obsidian seems to fit. Mars=sharp objects, surgeons tools. 8th house=death. 12th house=hospitals, institutions, prisons. Moon=home, women, emotional security.

            I find it amazing that you mention obsidian and in doing a bit of research on obsidian’s metaphysical properties, the one thing that stands out is clarity and release. It seems to point to Neptune in Scorpio also it’s conjunction to my South Node. One of the sites I looked at mentioned its the stone of Scorpio. Figures, right?! And there is that 12th house, 8th house again. I read a little while ago about Neptune not only being about chaos but on the flip side ;-), bringing clarity as well.

            I’m sure what I’ve said sounds like mumbo jumbo going around in circles. It’s making some sense to me but it’s hard to put it into words so that someone else understands what I’m talking-thinking about. 🙂

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            1. Neptune in the 3rd! That’s the feeling of talking mumbo jumbo and not being able to explain or translate ideas into speech. Do you think in images? Most of my thoughts are in images and translating them is sometimes impossible. I also think in a grid-like way, making tangential connections between things and then more things until the inside of my mind is a network of interconnected things which are seemingly unconnected yet connected. You know that map of airplane routes around the globe… that’s what it sometimes looks like inside my head.

              Neptune in Scorpio gives Neptune an edge. I see the Neptune fish as a shark in Scorpio. Slicing its way through the waters of the mind, and swimming along the aspect lines which connect to Neptune.

              I’m beginning to get a feel for your chart. Not only do you have Nep in 3rd (mind) but also Mercury in Pisces (conj Chiron and Saturn). So, your ability to see clarity in chaos is prominent, disciplined, as long as you can focus with scalpel knife sharpness. Yet being unfocused often serves to cut through order when order has become a prison and is confining.

              I was researching obsidian and somehow it connected to you. I’ve learned to stop questioning my connections in a doubtful way and just go with them. So sometimes I appear to say things out of the blue (Ha! Out of the blue waters of Neptune).

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  1. No and I don’t know how to do past life regression but in learning about the North and South Nodes when I first got into astrology, I have a feeling about it…that I’m on the right path in my assumption of that warrior archetype in a past life but on the wrong side of the fence. I’m also a former soldier in this life spending 8 years in the military.

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    1. I almost joined the military. Decided not to when I thought it through and realised that it would probably be worse for me than good. My urge to join was based on what I had been trained to do and be. A disciplined warrior. I decided to explore what I was not trained to do and be. Really not sure if that was good or worse for me. Never am about my decisions (it’s a strong Libra influence thing).

      Why do I associate… okay… just answered that for myself (duh!)… the number 8 and Scorpio?

      Have you ever read Spiritual Astrology: Your Personal Path to Self-Fulfillment by Jan Spiller and Karen McCoy? It uses the eclipses of Sun and Moon to determine past life influences and their meaning in the present life. Quite interesting to work with the eclipses and self explore. Lots of glaring holes, especially in the rest of the book, but that’s my Virgo talking 😉 and I’ve met Jan Spiller, she did a reading for me.

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  2. Oh and I meant to say too that I’ve often wondered about possibly being a killer of some kind or another in a past life, esp with my Mars being in the 8th and co-ruling the 3rd, Pluto rising in the 1st ruling my South Node with Neptune conjunct. Seems like underground activity to me.

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    1. Have you ever done a past life regression? I did and one of the ‘past lives’ (really not sure if they were past lives or a subconscious rendering of something within my psyche such as an archetype) was as a warrior/soldier.

      Considering how many wars with high death tolls occurred within a short span of time before we were born, how deeply those wars affected the psychology of the world, and especially of those who survived, that damage is being passed on from generation to generation by osmosis. Past life can apply to the lives of our ancestors whose inheritance we absorb. Past life as applied to our soul passing through lives… The chances of having been a soldier in a recent war before our birth who was forced to kill multiple times to survive and who may have died in the line of duty is quite high.

      There is also primal urge and that primal urge having to cope with living in a modern civilisation. Our primal urges are predominantly suppressed by modern society, yet they still exist within us. Suppression causes pressure to build at a buried level.

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  3. OMG I loved this!! The more I read of your writing…and you are a fantastic writer by the way, the more I think we could really be astro-twins. From past life perhaps, though our souls are on different paths but so so similar.

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    1. Thank you 🙂 I think one of the things about our meeting for me is the timing. There is something magical about now, this moment in time, and our meeting has the same quality. Not sure if magical is the right word, I don’t quite know which word is. It’s one of those meetings which has a fateful, destiny turning on the radio feeling to it. With Pluto/Uranus in the 1st all our meetings with others transform us, but what happens when you meet someone with an almost identical chart, whose path is similar to yours yet also different? How will our interaction transform us? There is a frisson of… something intangible and exciting 😀

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