My Mother Thinks I am The Evil Dead

About ten years ago I cut off all contact with my mother. I got to that straw that broke the camel’s back moment. It was a long time coming.

My mother is a Malignant Narcissist. She doesn’t know this of course, she sees herself as a saint, a martyr and a perpetual damsel in distress victim. She plays the victim to the hilt. She used to be an actress, so she really embodies the part with every fibre of her being. And other people really believe her, poor her… until a while later when she shows her true very un-victim-like colours and they are left reeling in confusion, hit by a malevolence they have only ever seen in TV shows and film, the sort they did not know real people expressed in real life.

I’ve watched her turn sane people into blithering wrecks over and over again. No point in warning them, they think I’m evil when I do. Sometimes all the time you have to let people learn things for themselves even if it is the hard and hurtful way.

She’s been doing the same thing to me since I was born… but I got used to it. Humans have the capacity to survive almost anything when they do not have a choice, when they are alone and have to do it or die. My mother has driven me many times to the precipice of self-annihilation, only I held myself back from it. No one else could because no one else has ever known what she has done to me. Because people do not want to know, even when they do they can’t handle the truth, it’s a hard one to handle, and they often reject it. Because she is very good at pretending that she is the perfect mother, and because I helped her cover the tracks of the scars. That’s what children of Narcissists do… to survive.

My father was also a Malignant Narcissist, so he wasn’t any help, and was a great hindrance.

The final straw happened during a phone call. My mother called me evil. She had done this before, she did it regularly whenever I said ‘No’ to her. She also told other people behind my back how evil I was. It took me a long time to realise she did that. One minute people liked me, then the next they looked at me as though I was a monster. I had done nothing between those minutes, but my mother had. I think she used to tell people that I abused her.

Someone recently commented on one of my Narcissism posts that their mother did the same to them, accused them of being the abuser. Poor Narcissists, they were perfect parents until they had children!

Why did my mother call me evil that day? Because I refused to give her money. She had done this to me before, luckily this time I did not have money to give her or I might have done so to shut her up and make her go away. Why did she need the money? She had met a woman in the street who needed it. This woman was a con artist similar to those Nigerian Princes. She told my mother that she was the illegitimate child of a very wealthy Lord and she needed money to make her claim on her inheritance, which was worth millions and millions. If my mother gave her several thousand pounds she would be rewarded with a couple of million in return. This story had been going on for a while, but I had kept out of it, there was no point in my pointing out the absurdity of it to my mother. She is a Narcissist, she never listens and only hears what she chooses to hear. It was only when she decided to suck me into it, and more importantly drag my partner into it, that I reacted and refused.

My partner saved my life. Because of him, I finally got out. I owe him my life. He doesn’t see it that way. He loves me and that is love. My experience of love is that of Narcissists, so real love is new to me. It’s not easy to escape the clutches of a Narcissist, especially when that Narcissist gave birth to you. They own you. Your life is theirs. That is that.

My mother hated my partner, she could not manipulate him. She tried to get rid of him by telling him how awful I really was. This made him decide that she was awful. His immunity to her Narcissistic manipulations, which got more and more vicious, as they always do, was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I had never met anyone immune to my parents’ Narcissistic charm and magnetism. I had always been isolated and alone, and now I had an ally. It took me a long time to truly trust that this was real and not an illusion of mine.

Ten years or so passed after that incident. My mother did try to get her hooks back into me, but my partner’s family protected us from her. She even used the Samaritans. The man I spoke to at the Samaritans had her number, he understood, that completely floored me. I had been prepared for the usual, being told about my poor mother and how much she loved me, missed me, and needed me, and what a terrible daughter I was. He said none of that. He said she obviously does not see or hear you, so it is best to leave things as they are.

Then my father died. I have not been in touch with him either for the same span of time. I found out about his death through an obituary. I thought nothing more of it other than what you think when someone you know dies.

Then I got a letter from my mother through people whom she knew knew me. This letter told me that my father was dead, that there was probably ‘something in it’ for me and Happy Birthday. That letter was sick and twisted and my mother was oblivious to how inappropriate it was. She also ordered me hysterically to hurry up and claim the inheritance. She said I only had a couple of months to do this… but she had waited one whole month after my father’s death before informing me of this. She knew he had died, the day after his death. Why had she waited, was it because she did not know how to find me? Narcissists always know how to find you, when they say they can’t, it is because they don’t want to. She needed that time to find out that she could not get her hands on my father’s inheritance without using me. She offered very generously to handle it all for me.

I hired a lawyer to communicate with her. And left it at that. I did not think my father would have left me anything, and I was not sure that I wanted what he had left me if he had left me anything because I knew that it would be a poisoned chalice.

Then I was contacted by my father’s long term companion. There was an inheritance and she wanted me to claim it because she hated my mother and did not want her to get her hands on anything. She did not say that, she said she was following my father’s wishes which amounted to the same thing.

My father had finally managed to obtain a legal divorce from my mother a few months before his death. He was very ill for many years, I think he hung on for that finalisation of divorce. My mother, of course, does not accept the divorce even though she had left my father many years before and refused to be his wife is anything but name. She certainly had no intention of looking after him during his illness. She let his companion do that, and continually harassed them, claiming that my father’s companion was a witch who had used black magic on my father. She thought this claim was very viable.

It took me a while to decide what to do about this situation. I was in shock, and tried to detach from it. That’s what I do. Detach. But I knew that I could not stay detached forever. So. Do I get involved or stay out? Do I hide or face it? I had been in hiding for a long time, perhaps it was time to deal with the past once and for all, it had chased me down. It would chase me again. I chose to face it. I’m not sure if that was the right decision.

A lot has happened since then, and a lot has not happened. This inheritance is a Gordian Knot. It is stressful and exhausting. But it has been a transformative experience for me. I have changed. My wounds are healing by being opened and exposed to air.

The lawyer I hired to handle the inheritance had to contact my mother recently for legal reasons. My mother ignored this lawyer. So I asked my other lawyer, the one hired to communicate with her, to contact her and tell her to reply to my inheritance lawyer. He did not want to do it, he had had enough of her nonsense, but he did. So she contacted my inheritance lawyer and instead of replying to their letter, she announced that she would not be able to cooperate with them until she had ‘proof of life’ that her daughter was still alive. Because she had not seen or spoken to her daughter for over ten years, she was now certain that I was dead. This is a ploy designed to deflect the reasons why my inheritance lawyer communicated with my mother. She is acting illegally, she knows she is and so she has an excuse… which of course is one which makes her the victim, as always.

My inheritance lawyer, who up until this point did not believe my claims that my mother was a ‘special kind of hell’, suddenly had a moment of believing me, and asked me how they should respond to her.

Well… frankly the person who my mother thinks is her daughter is dead. In fact she never existed except in my mother’s Narcissistic mind. Her daughter is also permanently seven years old. Easily manipulated and completely stupid. That’s the daughter my mother loves and misses and needs.

I am not that person.

When I hear a parent claim that their child is bad, evil and even dead to them… I wonder what the parent did to their child. I do not think… poor parent. It’s based on my own experience, that’s where our judgment comes from, ultimately. What is real, the truth… do any of us really know or are able to see it without the filters of our lives altering perspective.

I am a bad daughter… I tried being a good daughter, my parents convinced me that this was a bad idea for me. Besides, with Narcissists you’re good one minute and evil the next, then good again, then bad again, and so on… it’s never about you, and always all about them. You were never alive to them.

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18 thoughts on “My Mother Thinks I am The Evil Dead

  1. I just received a newsletter from the senior apartment building my mother lives at. Would you believe the title is has Echo as part of it’s name?!! And Saturn is in waxing conjunction to my Echo?!!

    As always you’ve given me plenty to chew on and even though I’ve said it before and will say it many more times, I deeply appreciate it all!

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    1. I used to question connections like the Echo one, thinking I was connecting random things just to give meaning to something which had no meaning other than what it was… well, it could be nothing, but the something we find in the nothing makes the nothing a something 😉 Follow the trail of clues and see where they lead, they often reveal what is hidden, sometimes in plain sight. Optical illusions work in many ways.

      The mind is a labyrinth (the brain looks like one which may explain where labyrinths came from), finding our way through it depends on creative thinking, noticing connections and finding other connections. You’re on to something, use the power of Scorpio season to shine a light on the darkest shadows.

      The Echo theme keeps cropping up for me too. And several other themes too. There seems to be a quickening happening at the moment, perhaps because of the liminal being more accessible.

      And that plenty to chew on is flowing both ways. My interactions with you have opened up a world whose door was previously a wall. Deeply grateful to you.

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  2. Shaking my head that something like this could be real and knowing it is because one had been there done that and still going through it because she’s old and has an autoimmune disease. My life has not really been totally mine the last 15 years since my father died. I’ve set some boundaries unexpectedly in the last year by blowing my top and calling her out on her behavior by cutting off contact for several weeks.

    Have you ever looked up to see where asteroid Narcissis (#37117) is in your chart? When I heard about it, before I looked to get the number to look it up I just knew where mine is…and I was bang on correct. How close is your Virgo Moon to aspecting your Chiron or Saturn?

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    1. How are you interpreting asteroid Narcissus? I would interpret it as being where our love for ourselves could be found. Narcissism is a natural human trait, which gets distorted in those with NPD. The asteroid is conjunct my Mars, which means it aspects everything Mars aspects. Since it is in the 3rd, where my own Narcissism shows up is in the mind. It’s the one area where I am arrogant. I am aware of that tendency and keep it tempered. I question myself a lot partly because asking questions is what I do, but also to keep the mind flexible and stop it from becoming rigid and too up itself 😉 But everything I just said shows how arrogant my mind is!

      Where is the asteroid Echo (60) in your chart. If you look up Narcissus, you have to partner it with Echo. At least that’s my take on it. Not quite sure how to interpret Echo yet, it’s in the one house I really struggle to read in my chart. Hmmm. Actually… hmmm.

      Interpreting the asteroids is a personal journey for each one of us, as they don’t have the burden of astrological interpretations attached to them like the planets do. Even Chiron is still fairly free from being overly interpreted. We can access our own knowledge about ourselves and our lives, subconscious and otherwise, by exploring what images and thoughts contemplating them conjures up.

      My Moon doesn’t touch Chiron, but it’s linked by Pisces/12th house and they both aspect Neptune. Saturn has one of those sesquiquadrates with my Moon. Something to do with emotional control and other people not liking it when I express my emotions. But that could apply to everyone, most people feel inhibited about expressing their emotions to others, and we all inhibit each other in our emotional expression. One person expressing a strong emotion triggers that emotion in anyone witnessing it and because that happens, we tell people things such as ‘Don’t cry’ ‘Smile’ and we say we’re ‘Fine’.

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      1. My Echo is in Scorpio. Using the same orbs as for planets, it’s square my Moon and Narcissus, otherwise it’s too wide to square by aspect.

        Now I know this is going to sound like I’m painting myself as a saint, but I’m just now learning what healthy narcissism is because I’m learning to “know thyself and act accordingly”. This was not allowed in the household I grew up in and now that I’m middle aged, has been fought by my mother. Hmm, with Narcissus conjunct my Moon by 1 means its quincunx my Saturn-Mercury-Chiron in Pisces so maybe that’s why I’m dumb about loving myself and uncomfortable with it. I read an interpretation on Narcissus where they mention the mindset of one who has this prominent is “what can you do for me”. My first thought, that’s my mother especially when I hit the legal age of adulthood. I have to admit though when I’m really hurt, I don’t see or want to be seen by anyone…period. And I have love for my home. For awhile after I finished the cosmetic work-when I was at home alone I’d gaze at all the work I’d done on it, proud. But it was not from a point arrogance, but from a point of the voice of my parents saying to me I could not do anything.

        I like that “love of self” interp for Narcissus. I just thought about it when Mars was in the 12th 2 years back for an super long time which means it passed over Narcissus several times.. The unveiling of how I was not doing that because it’s what I was taught and why I keep attracting these kinds of relationships where I’m basically an Echo, there to serve and love unconditionally but can’t expect to get that in return.

        I think Saturn contacting a 12th house Moon is tough and a sesquiqudrate…uh yeah! But Sis, you have a level of wisdom that is beyond most.

        This post, OMG is a 12th house Moon- 3rd house Neptune-6th house Venus t square in living color and gives me more ways to tie up those dangling strings. strings.

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        1. You really got me thinking with the Echo and Narcissus asteroids, in a way I had not thought of them before. Thank you!!!

          Scorpio represents that which is taboo. We tend to think of that as what society thinks is taboo, rather than what we have personally come to believe is taboo for us, subtle taboos which stop us from exploring parts of ourselves. Perhaps we grow up believing that looking in a mirror is vain, and being vain is taboo, and because we learn this at a certain point in our development we don’t question it, especially if it is imprinted into to us by an authority figure. Challenging those subtle taboos can open up areas of ourselves which were previously ‘no go’ and thus whatever talents and benefits reside there were withheld from us by us… often due to someone else’s fears and issues which we have absorbed as ours.

          The Moon in 12th is empathic – and in your chart this is amplified by other placements and aspects – so it absorbs whatever is in the atmosphere around you, you can hear the echoes of others’ needs, thoughts, emotions, issues. Echoing inside their emptiness, then out to you, and into to you. When you are unaware of this, as a child, it becomes a part of you and you think it is you, as you get older you begin to question if this is you or not you. But because of the Neptune influence it is a hazy fluid awareness of the process. One minute what is subconscious becomes conscious, but the conscious can so easily slip into the unconscious. It is in part your choice to echo back those needs which you hear, but in part it is what you do, your purpose which is not necessarily the purpose you would choose for yourself but which is a part of some invisible contract with life. It is one of the elements and energies which you bring into being by being. You have power over it and it has power over you.

          When Saturn contacts the Moon, it usually feels horrible, but ultimately it is a grinding process which is polishing a rough stone. Saturn can teach you how to harness your natural abilities, not control them, but work with them so that you don’t feel controlled by them. Or at least that’ my take on it.

          My Echo is in the house of social status and career. Lilith is there too. Really have trouble reading that house, it’s a blind spot for me.

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          1. Dealing with mother issues as of Sunday but my initial thought considering Narcissus, your South Node and your Mercury ruling Echo, (assuming) and Neptune in the 3rd and involved in that lovely t square….you’ve gone into the mind so (out of necessity for survival) that you have not noticed your calling for things like being an astrologer. Girl, your mind for this is out of this world and at the same time right down to the earth’s core.

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            1. 😀 Haha! You make me grin like a Cheshire cat! I think it is a thing with both of our charts, that we don’t notice our abilities because we are so focused on our non-abilities perhaps (bloody Virgo). I have had a few similar thoughts about you, gasping at your talent and wondering why you can’t see it! 😉

              My Saturn is square my Sun which basically is a constant feeling of never being good enough. It’s not that I don’t think I’m good, I’m just not as good as I think I could be if I applied more effort. It’s reverse ego, as in I’m egotistically humble. And I have a tendency to recoil from compliments just in case they go to my head. I annoy myself a lot with my tendencies 😉

              And of course with Gemini on the MC… Jack of all trades, never quite a master of any because we move on to something else before the mastering bit.

              So are you saying that you’re dealing with your mother or the issues or both as of Sunday? While Mars is in the 12th? Youch! Have you seen Ruby Slipper Astrology’s recent post about the upcoming Pluto/Uranus square exact on November 1st and the build up to it? Very interesting! Very relevant due to where Uranus is for you and what it connects to, and of course where Pluto is. A breakthrough and breakout (of old patterns) may be in the air. Good luck! Sending some thoughtful mojo your way!

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              1. ” My Saturn is square my Sun which basically is a constant feeling of never being good enough. It’s not that I don’t think I’m good, I’m just not as good as I think I could be if I applied more effort. It’s reverse ego, as in I’m egotistically humble. And I have a tendency to recoil from compliments just in case they go to my head. I annoy myself a lot with my tendencies ;)”

                🙂 Well keep on grinning ‘cuz it is the truth. You are way more than good enough. Now, I totally get you on this even though Saturn only makes a vigintile aspect to my Sun. However Saturn conjuncts chart ruler Mercury retrograde by less than 1 degree and Chiron, so I think that is why I get the feeling on not being good enough.

                Yes. My NPD mother was taken to the emergency room when the maintenance person found her on the floor of her apartment Sunday night. No broken bones but she has been admitted to the hospital. The Moon in Taurus set off my fixed grand square and yep, along with Mars in the 12th. Right now I’m feeling like a runaway slave that has been captured and is being returned back to the plantation. That’s no exaggeration- every time I start in the direction of what I think is my life path something happens with this woman to derail me off my path yet again. I remember reading one of your posts, which I always re-read…a few times before I comment ;-), where you mention having a chart that messes with you. I think I gave myself whiplash nodding in agreement. You know how they say we chose our chart and the conditions that go along with it?! We could not have been in our right mind to choose this shit!! That’s Mercury retrograde for real. Oh wait…I do have Mercury retrograde!

                I read that Ruby Slipper’s post after I read your comment here. The Pluto/Uranus square along with the other aspects she noted forming a yod will be affecting my Ascendant directly. Thank you so much for your comments and the mojo as they have been a real blessing to me especially right now as I know you get where I’m coming from. I’m typing this now after having a meltdown at the thought of having to care for this woman whenever she gets out of the hospital.

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                1. OMFG! I feel you! I have a few stories of my mother using illness and especially accidents to get attention and emotionally blackmail everyone around. They always happened when she felt ignored. And they always occurred when I was breaking free from her hold, when she needed something dramatic to put me back in ‘my place’ as her servant and slave. How do you deal with something like that!?! If you say or do anything other than what is considered the ‘right’ thing to do they use society to come down hard on you with judgment and pressure you into complying. One doctor looked at me as though I had caused my mother’s injury and she was covering up for me in abuse victim style. The fact that I was in a different part of town when my mother’s accident happened and there were plenty of witnesses to her fall and to the fact that she was alone and tripped because she was wearing ridiculous shoes, and witnesses to me being elsewhere, was overlooked because my mother made sure that those sort of real details became unreal.

                  I know that you use your blogs in a certain way, have you considered creating another one to vent some of this? You could do it anonymously and separate from your other blogs if you preferred that. I have found venting my internal fury and chaos in my blogs has been very liberating and that release has had an amazing impact on me. Fury and chaos has become understanding of fury and chaos. I may not be free on the outside, not as much as I had hoped I had finally managed to be especially at the moment, but inside I’m soaring (okay a few crashes, but free flight has a steep learning curve). Here’s my thought about you based on a few chart things we’ve discussed and a vibe – You have powerful emotions, you contain them perhaps because they feel volatile, a volcano that could explode and you want to save others from what is inside of you. However you also have the power to harness the power of your emotions and express them creatively. The same skills you use to contain can be used to slow release. I think there is an amazing force there, one which once expressed in controlled conditions could be very beneficial to you and others. What do you think?

                  The chart thing. I’ve thought that a lot over the years, that my chart doesn’t fit me, that I don’t fit my chart, that neither the chart or I fit my life, and so on. And doing my chart wrong for a while kind of reflected that. The chart shows the challenge of this life, and it shows the solution. I’ve just been so focused on the wrong flip side for too long, and I’m slowly seeing the other side. Still fighting everything though, learning to accept things as they are more. Best insight I’ve had recently was that sometimes doing nothing is more effective than doing something. Weird because we’re programmed by everyone and everything to think we have to do stuff and doing nothing is considered taboo.

                  The key to the chart thing and the freedom thing lies with Pluto/Uranus. That conjunction is a painful birthing process of a free, wild, powerful and unique being. This square going on at the moment seems to be acting as a catalyst. How it unfolds depends on each individual, because individuation is a lonely experience, but it is occurring in sync with others. Together but alone.

                  Take care of yourself, stoke those phoenix fires!

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                  1. Yes, yes, yes!!! How do I deal with that? Not so well but occasionally she’ll slip and give others a taste of the venom, then give me a slight look of oh, my…. You seem to handle it better than I do.

                    That’s actually why I started Pluranian Rambull!ings-to vent and address these kinds of things from my astrological viewpoint. It’s funny because I was jotting some thoughts down for a post earlier Sunday afternoon before the chaos started that evening.

                    Speaking of that I forgot her Leo stellium which includes her North Node is/was being squared by Saturn and quincunxed by Pluto. Her health issues have been going on for a long time but have been kicked up a notch since…I just thought about it, when Saturn went into Scorpio, and the Uranus-Pluto square this year. Also some of the issues are with the parts of the body ruled by Saturn and chironically, my Saturn in Pisces. 😉

                    You take care too! And I’m already gathering kindling materials! 😉

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                    1. Did you do a chart comparison, as in the synastry, between her chart and yours? I can’t do that with my mother due to not knowing her Asc. She thought it was Virgo (because she’s perfect – she told me her face was perfectly symmetrical which annoyed all the artists who tried to paint her portrait), I’m thinking she might be right, but it could be Leo (ego-centric too the nth degree), but she had a lot of Leo, like your mother, or she could be Pisces in permanent Damsel in Distress mode. Hmmm. I suck at figuring out people’s rising signs.

                      My mother was only interested in astrology because I was, she tried to take over as usual, become the expert, so I switched interests and left her dangling. She fed off me for her ‘expertise’.

                      When dealing with those with NPD I tend to use my Pisces/Aquarius – Neptune/Mercury-Uranus traits – remain elusive and change directions often. As Steve Irwin used to say – Don’t let them get your scent!

                      You do know how awesome your astrological knowledge is, don’t you? You’re leaps and bounds ahead of me. I’m rather clutzy and intuitive about it, sometimes I’m spot on (after making loads of errors). You’re more precise (Yay Virgo!) and more insightful (Merc in Pisces). And I’m finally embracing my NN in Aries and being braver about just saying what I think. Your NN in the 9th points to a talent to share your philosophical findings, but first you have to be comfortable (Taurus) with your knowledge. Learn to really trust that what you know is knowledge.

                      Hope I got your chart right, I get confused very easily which is why I would make a crap astrologer 😉 I keep having to double-check my own chart even though by now I know it. I make myself laugh and groan at the same time.

                      It keeps striking me as funny that this Pluto/Uranus square exact falls at the time of bonfire night in the UK and during Samhain, and apparently a Scorpio solar eclipse. Lots of mojo, the kind you and I, with our charts, can use to shed a skin and rise anew.

                      Our chart likes to challenge at birth, through life and with transits! 😉

                      Keep on keeping on, persistence of the Pluto kind (and Aries Sun/Mars fierce determination in your case and in my case Cappy tenacity) will eventually pay off. Reminds me of something my crazy NPD father used to say, about sitting by the river and watching the bodies of his enemies float past – very Scorpio – since it’s Scorpio season, quite sick but good advice. Hmmm.

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                    2. LMAO @ permanent Damsel in Distress! No, I do not have a birth time for her but you can get all the planets in signs and degrees except the Moon. The Moon can be narrowed down to a range of 13 degrees. Just put in a 12:00 am birth time and a 11:59 pm birth time to get the Moon’s range. Then you can see where their planets fall in your chart. There are some telling aspects between my mother’s planets and mine.

                      I like your tactics for dealing with NPDs. 😉

                      Yep, you are spot on with my chart. And yes, I think your Aries NN axis is reinforced and supported by the 1st house Pluto/Uranus conjunction, Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd and Mercury in Aquarius. Your brilliant intution is right on target. Iol My modus operandi is trial and error, error and trial and if you forget-rinse and repeat. So we go about different ways…my knowlege is no better than yours. Keep on being brave…its sorely needed and not just by me either 🙂

                      Just looked up Samhain….yep very interesting the timing. Ah, Scorpio season…

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                    3. Thank you 😉 and you too!

                      I feel that this year with Pluto transiting where it is in the last degrees of the 4th (and transiting Uranus where it is too) and about to change houses for both of us, and with the Chiron return looming, there’s a sense of immense healing of old wounds, but challenges have to be met, ones which we were not able to face when they first entered our lives, when we were children.

                      You know that exercise where you’re supposed to imagine what your adult self would tell your child self if you could travel back in time and visit yourself as a child… this seems similar to that only the child has traveled to the adult and is doing the talking. Saying things like – This is what I would have liked to have said or done in this situation but I couldn’t because I was a child and there are a different set of life rules for children and adults, but you can do and say these things, you’re not me anymore can you see that?

                      And with the timing of Samhain, where the boundaries between then and now lessen… not all ghosts and spirits belong to others, some are the ghosts of our past selves come to share their wisdom, have us honour their part in our lives, and perhaps be released from… something which will release us too.

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  3. I see you know my mother. We had the same family for that matter. My mother was not an actress but learned how to act to survive her childhood. I’ve be researching narcissism extensively for the last month and found it is an extremely complex disorder. I keep seeing parts of myself in the disorder and thinking how I contributed to the dysfunction of the family. The narcissists have many faces, but the face that hurts the most is their true self. They can not deal with reality and think if they hide in a make believe world they will be safe. But it never works. Weather you hide or not, reality is alway reality. It does not change. So I was raised by make believe parents to believe in a false world and was told it was the truth. Due to the parents dysfunction you in turn become dysfunctional. Any attempt to question the false family status is met with accusations of betrayal as the narcissistic parent(s) are just using you as a source of energy. If they loose you to reality, they loose their power over you and are no longer able to sap your life force. If you are in a TRUE narcissists life, your only purpose is to give. What you want does not matter. Your needs do not matter. You do not matter. Narcissists do not love. They are incapable of love. They can go through the motions of love just like an actor does in a movie. They watch how others react to situations and adapt their behaviors so they can use these new found acting skills to manipulate you into giving. But if you figure out what they are doing and stop giving them any power over you, they dump you. Because all you were to them was an object to be used and now you have no more use to them. I have found real love in various people in my life: my neighbor kids, people at my doctors office, people at the senior center where I volunteer. Real love is out there. When you feel real love you know it. Real love is caring about someone and not expecting anything in return except love. You can love a narcissist, but they can’t love you. Being in a narcissist relationship will never be real as the narcissists persona is not real. Love is never fake. Love is truth.

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    1. I spelled whether incorrectly. I was raised before the advent of computers and spelling was optional. Now all children have to be proficient in spelling. And typing was only for girls and secretaries on typewriters. Funny how things change.

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      1. I understood you, to me that’s what matters. My mother was always correcting my pronunciation and spelling, yet all her knowledge of the grammatically correct did not make her understand anything. I was also raised before computers. There are some very intense spellcheck people on the internet who consider misspelling a word a crime, seems a bit over the top to me. And some of these gadgets make spelling things right very difficult 😉

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    2. But Narcissists do love to talk all about how loving they are, more loving than anyone else in the universe! They do everything better than everyone else!

      Yes, it seems we do indeed share the same family, lucky us!

      I asked myself many of the questions which you have asked yourself, because when you are the child of Narcissists (we’re known as ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists) you think everything is your fault, and the Narcissists agree. But because you are asking those questions of yourself, wanting to know your part in the dysfunction… that shows you how functional you are!

      You will be deeply wounded by what you have experienced and this will affect your life and relationships, and it will do it in a bad way, it is hard to trust others when your parents are Narcissists, but also in a very good way, you will recognise the difference between real and fake love, and real and fake people more easily than others who have not had the life you have had, and you will appreciate the real when you see it and enjoy it more because you feel and know it is real.

      All humans have a natural tendency towards Narcissism, it is a developmental stage, and there is a healthy version of it. Unfortunately there is a very unhealthy version of it, that’s NPD. There is more information on the disorder now, but it still mystifies people, and since Narcissists rarely go to be treated for it as they think there is nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong with everyone else, psychologists don’t have enough experience of how to cure it, and if it can be cured.

      Most victims of Narcissists, the children of Narcissists and those who have been in a relationships with a Narcissist, have to help themselves, because of the lack of understanding of the disorder and the effects of it on those close to them. If you haven’t lived it, you won’t understand it. Only those who have lived it understand it. There are many victims speaking out about and sharing their experiences on the internet and there are a few communities/forums for children of Narcissists.

      You sound like you are following a very good path to self healing. Trust yourself, get to know yourself, and enjoy being real, existing as a person rather than as an extension of your parents. You know the truth, don’t doubt it. Love yourself as you are (because that is something your parents could never do with you or themselves) that is your greatest gift.

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