I’ve been contemplating some of the reoccurring themes and patterns in my life especially where relationships are concerned. My relationships with others rather than the one which I have with myself, although the two tend to work together.
This year has brought most of my issues in relationships into sharp focus and has allowed me to view them from a personally involved and detached perspective at the same time.
I was exploring my Chiron as a part of exploring my wounds, and how they play out again and again in my life and relationships as themes and patterns.
My natal Chiron is in the 7th house of partnerships. Relating to others is a wound that keeps on giving, both pain and healing.
I had glossed over for a long time the fact that my natal Chiron is conjunct my North Node. My Chiron is in Pisces, my North Node is in Aries. This conjunction makes the Chiron wound more complex, and it makes the challenges of the North Node more challenging.
More annoying still is the fact that my chart is a play of opposites, the signs are in their opposing houses. Pisces, whose natural home is the 12th is in the 6th and 7th houses, while Virgo whose home is the 6th is in the 12th and 1st. Aries who is at home in the 1st, is in the 7th and 8th, making Libra whose natural home is the 7th, located in the 1st and 2nd. And so on.
I have planets in all of those signs. It’s chaos.
So, the North Node in Aries is in the house of partnerships, while my South Node in Libra is in the 1st house of self. The North Node in Aries is challenging me to be myself, to be selfish, yet the South Node in the 1st says I’m too comfortable being myself, but in Libra it says I’m too accommodating of others, too prone to being co-dependent. Yet Chiron in Pisces in the 7th says that I should be selfless in relationships. Is my chart deliberately fucking with me!?!
I’m very confused. My relationship buzz phrase isn’t – It’s Complicated – it’s – It’s Confused.
In theory, how this conjunction of Chiron in Pisces and North Node in Aries in the 7th house should ideally play out, is that by being myself, authentically and without restraint, I encourage others to do the same, to be themselves no holds barred, this heals me and heals them. Sounds great!
In practice how this plays out creates a giant mess, thus confusion ensues due to chaos.
The 7th house also shows the sort of people whom you predominantly attract in relationships. With Pisces and Aries there, I attract free spirits, who are hyper sensitive, easily hurt, playing the role of damsel in distress whether male or female, and yet they are also very headstrong and aggressive with their sensitive soulfulness. They want to be heroes, yet their heroic quests usually create distress for them and others and me. They also often cast me in the role of hero, whether I want to be or not, then they turn me into a dragon from which they need saving, then it switches again. Confusion central!
Most of the switching of my role happens without my participation. I can do absolutely nothing and go from hero to villain, to hero to villain, to villager being eaten by dragon, to dragon eating villager. I sometimes think I’m just there for the sake of a body being there. A wall to have a scenario projected onto it.
Very rarely someone casts me in the role of distressed damsel whom they are going to save. This always makes me jump with surprise, then collapse with laughter.
One of the reoccurring themes in my relationships is that these sensitive souls when they first meet me think I’m wonderful… a while later they aggressively tell me how awful I am… then a while later, I am wonderful again. And this just keeps repeating until I can’t take anymore of it and abruptly end the relationship, or convince them to abruptly end it. Whichever gets me out of it with the least amount of drama.
The Ascendant and 1st house show how we interact with the world outside of us. I have Virgo rising, so I am very reserved and cautious when I first meet someone. I have Pluto and Uranus conjunct in the 1st, so I am eccentric and intense. When I say ‘I’m weird’… I really am weird. I don’t find myself weird, but others do. I’ve seen how people react when I don’t tone myself down. Survival 101 for genuine freaks – disguise freakishness behind a mask of more normal than normal. So I tone it down for others by being very Virgo subtle and considerate. I am a nuclear power plant hiding behind the facade of a twee little cottage. The radiation leaks out, but there’s not much I can do about that… add more water usually leads to a flood which washes people away.
My internal conversation around people usually consists of a lot of self censorship due to not wanting to freak people out. Don’t say that! Stop grimacing! I know you think that’s a friendly smile but you just look like a crazed psychopathic clown. And stuff like that.
I’m quite good at pretending, not as good as I think I am, but I don’t have to be, other people are too busy thinking about themselves and what impression they are making upon me to really notice me and who I really am.
The main problem with toning myself down is that people tend to accept that version of me as who they want me to be for them. I like to take my time warming up to people and reveal myself in stages, ease them into knowing me. I like taking my time to get to know them too. What’s the hurry?
Other people tend to see this slow getting to know you and you getting to know me approach as me changing and they don’t accept those changes. They’ve already decided who I am going to be for them and they are going to tell me who they are. Sometimes they behave as though I have betrayed them. Sorry, but we’re all multi-faceted, expecting someone else to be single faceted, yet also expecting them to accept that you are more than just one facet…
I’m going to stop here and continue this later… if you have any of the same issues as I do or the same astrological aspects and placements, please comment… I’m still actively working on this and would appreciate the input and sharing.
To be continued… until I die.