Insensitivity Training – Learning from Narcissists

If you’ve commented on one of my posts about Narcissism, I’ve probably mentioned somewhere in my reply – Find the Gift in the Curse – or something along those lines. But what do I mean by that? How could there be a gift in the curse of being caught up in a relationship with a Narcissist?

Seeing the gift in the curse requires patience with yourself. Compassion for yourself. Being gentle and kind with yourself as you pass through the stages of healing. Before you can receive the gift, you have to lift the curse. There are varied ways of doing this, but the most effective is to break the silence.

All victims of Narcissistic abuse end up trapped in a prison of silence. It is solitary confinement of the worst kind. Your body may be free, but inside everything, the mind, the emotions, every atom of your inner being is alone. Isolated. Inside that prison is a sadness so overwhelming it suffocates. You can scream, but the sound just echoes around you, and dies before it penetrates to the surface.

Breaking the silence is the only way to free yourself, but breaking the silence is terrifying. The Narcissist made sure it would be, because the Narcissist made sure your confinement was voluntary.

On the surface you may look perfectly fine, you will probably have practiced this look. You will also be very adept at convincing all those around you that you are fine. You may even get annoyed at anyone who questions the image you have created and are carefully controlling. You are fine, and that is that.

You have come as close as you will ever get to being a Narcissist. You have become an echo of the Narcissist. Because that is what the Narcissist is ultimately after, they are passing on their wound to their victims. What they do to others was done to them before they were aware of it. It became a part of their being. They are stuck on repeat, repeating their wounding over and over again. And passing it on, partly in an effort to heal, but their way of healing hurts everyone else. It hurts them too, but they can’t feel it. They have become desensitised. This lack of sensitivity is key to why they are attracted to very sensitive people and why very sensitive people are attracted to them.

You may attract Narcissists, but you are also attracted to them. Before you blame yourself for this, stop. Pause. Take a breath. It is subconscious. It is a part of the law of attraction. You are not deliberately seeking out Narcissists and inflicting hurtful relationships on yourself. You are a very sensitive person, you care deeply and feel deeply. You are drawn to people in pain, you have a natural urge to offer them solace, to heal their suffering with a touch of human to human compassion and love.

There is one thing genuinely very sensitive people have in common – They tend to be more sensitive towards others than they are to themselves. They tend to put the needs of others before their own. They may take from themselves to give to others in a – You need it more than I do – way. They have a tendency to be insensitive to themselves.

I used the word – genuinely – in front of – very sensitive – because most of the Narcissists I know, especially the female ones, claim to be very sensitive. They often go to great lengths to let you know how sensitive they are, and will talk up a storm about it at every opportunity they get. However their version of being very sensitive means they are hyper-sensitively touchy and take offense at almost everything anyone else says or does, everything is very personal and usually negatively so. They are delicate flowers whose petals bruise easily and then discolour and turn nasty. Their nastiness shows how completely devoid of sensitivity they are and how insensitive their sensitivity is.

One of the ways I sense that I am in the presence of a Narcissist is when I feel increasingly censored. I can’t say or do anything without feeling that somehow it is going to hurt them. I constantly feel the need to apologise for myself to them. They never let me forget a slight, and they have to repeatedly ‘forgive’ me for being myself. If only I could be less of myself, then I might please them, and I do want to please them, don’t I?

This is in some ways what happened to the Narcissist as a child. The person who gave them their wound which turned them into a Narcissist made them feel that who they were was flawed, bad, wrong, evil, needed to be eradicated and replaced with someone else, someone perfect, perfectly good, perfectly right, omnipotent and superior. Their early environment was devoid of sensitivity to their true needs. They became painfully sensitive to their needs, yet at the same time completely insensitive to them. They live in a paradox of contradictions which they repeat with others. Whatever they say to you about themselves or yourself, they will at some point say the exact opposite with the same conviction of it being true.

All of the Narcissists I know one way or another play the victim. They are seeking to draw to themselves heroes who will try to save them. Some Narcissists actually play the part of the Wounded Healer. Their wound is special ergo so are they or they are special ergo so is their wound. They spend a lot of their time ‘fixing’ other people, healing them of their imperfections and trying to make them perfect, destroying who they are so they can be remade in their own image. Who you are must die and be replaced by their version of you which is so much better than your version of you.

This process is done in stages. When you first meet a Narcissist, they may make you feel incredibly special. They only associate with special people because they are very special. Then, once your defenses are down because you’ve been swept off your feet and are now precariously perched on a pedestal, it begins. You could be really beautiful if only you had a nose job. It’s a pity that your teeth are crooked or you’d have a wonderful smile. People would like you more if you weren’t so selfish. Chances are that when they were ‘courting’ you they told you that you were the most beautiful person they had ever seen, had the most dazzling smile, and they admired how selfless you were. They also were drawn to the fact that you were the most caring and sensitive person they had ever met, but now you’re rude, insensitive and don’t care about them. How could you do this to them!?!

What changed?

They have created an ideal for you to live up to. Don’t let them down. You are special, they chose you from a crowd of possible candidates, now prove it, and don’t prove them wrong. They are special and can only love another special person. You do know they love you, don’t you? They love you with a love you have never had before and never will have ever again, don’t lose it. Don’t hurt them by betraying their heart, their trust in you. Did you deceive them when you told them who you were?

But of course they have no idea who you were and are. That is irrelevant. They need you to be who they want you to be and become. But you have to do it willingly. Which is why they are attracted to sensitive people. Sensitive people are the most likely to deny themselves to please another.

You as a sensitive person were attracted to the Narcissist for many reasons. They can be incredibly charming and irresistible, they put a lot of energy into it, and they know how to say exactly what you want to hear. The most crucial reason is that you are too insensitive to yourself. The gift in the curse of the relationship with a Narcissist for you is to learn how to be more sensitive to yourself… and more insensitive to others.

You don’t lose your gift for being very sensitive and caring by becoming more insensitive and less caring. You are learning how to create a boundary of self-respect. To balance your gifts with the opposite of those gifts, which are gifts too. You are also learning that to use your innate gifts you have to, first and foremost, take care and be sensitive to the person who bears those gifts, you. If you don’t start with yourself, you will lose yourself and lose your gifts bit by bit, almost imperceptibly until one day you have nothing left to give or care about.

Having said that, if you have already reached that point, which many victims of Narcissists do… nothing is ever final, the end is a new beginning. For you. You have to start caring for yourself and stop caring for the Narcissist. They won’t like that. Tough. Be tough. Be insensitive to them.

Everything starts within us and works its way through us and out into the world, to others. To truly give to others you have to give to yourself first. To care about others you have to care for yourself first. Your compassion has to encompass you first, before it goes out to others. Yes, you can bypass yourself and be completely selfless, but your self still exists and if it is being starved to feed others you will attract those who will feed off of you until you say ‘Enough!’.

Saying ‘Enough!’, standing up for your needs, for yourself… is the first step to breaking the silence. Learning to become insensitive will make breaking the rest of your silent prison easier as you will have to deal with those who want you to stay where they put you, and they will use your sensitive nature against you to make you go back of your own free will. They will also use others to help them do this, which means you have to block out a tidal wave of voices telling you that you are being selfish, uncaring and insensitive. And insane too. Your sensitivity may cause you to buckle under the pressure, and slowly retreat into your prison. Being insensitive will act as a protective shield.

Mimic insensitivity if you have to, use what you’ve learned from the Narcissist against them to save yourself. This is a matter of survival.

Most Narcissists accuse others of being Narcissists with alacrity. They always accuse others of being who they are. They occasionally will ask if you think they are a Narcissist. It’s a trap. Just like most of their other moments of seeming self awareness. They will use anything and everything to get things to go their way. They are very flexibly creative control freaks. No rules apply.

Stop worrying about everyone else and focus that concern on yourself. They are not worrying about you, not in a way that is beneficial for you. They are worried that they’ve lost control of you and they are trying to regain that control… with the help of others and with your help. Stop helping them!

I used to think that being insensitive was the worst thing I could be. I saw what Narcissists did and did not want to do that or be that way. But then it gradually dawned on me that the only way to free myself from my self-created prison and from them was to echo and mirror back to them what they were doing and had done to me. Being insensitive to them and their manipulations is one of those. They have helped me and improved me, but not in the way they intended. By pointing out my flaws to me, they showed me where my talents lie, they also showed me the muscles which need training, the vulnerabilities which have strength hidden within them.

Insensitivity training is a must for those who are sensitive. You’re not getting rid of your sensitivity, you’re balancing it. You may actually find that with the addition of insensitivity, your sensitivity increases in a positive way. For you, and for others.

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24 thoughts on “Insensitivity Training – Learning from Narcissists

  1. I stumbled upon this blog. Could you tell me who you are and how I can reach you? Have you written any books? Are you a professional counselor? Do you offer office visits?

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    1. I can be reached via the comments on my blog – I don’t have an email connected to my blog at this time. I haven’t written any books. I am not a professional counselor, so no office and no visits or anything else which professional counselors do. I’m just a regular person with a personal blog wherein I share my thoughts and experiences and my attempts at figuring things out in the posts on my blog. That is all.

      There is a bit more about me on the ‘About’ page of this blog – on the bar at the top of the blog page – and in all of my posts, but I’m guessing you would prefer for me to know about you and the reason you stumbled on my blog. You have a personal experience and story which you’d like to share, concerning NPD?

      If you can bring yourself to share your story in a comment, which is public, please feel free to share. There is no way to contact me privately at this time.

      If you want to discuss a relationship with a narcissist – Kim Saeed of http://letmereach.com/ – does private consultations to help those who have been a victim of a narcissist.

      There are many resources for those dealing with NPD in one form or another, forums, blogs, run by those who have experienced NPD personally, and experts who deal with it professionally. It is an issue which is very much in the public mind’s eye, so it is being covered from many angles and perspectives.

      Thank you 🙂

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        1. I prefer not to delete conversations on my blog. Part of my reason for that is outlined in this post.

          Your question was a good one, and is one which someone else may have if they stumble upon this post as you did. Your question and my reply may answer their question too. That is one of the benefits of sharing information and ourselves.

          However if it is important to you to remove your comment, which will also require removing my reply, I will do so.

          I would appreciate knowing your reason for asking for the comment to be removed. Usually when someone asks me to do something, I like to know why I am being asked to do it before I acquiesce to their request, especially when I am being asked to do something which I would not normally do.

          Thank you 🙂

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          1. Could you keep the question but change the name such as create a fictitious name like Angie? Thanks so much.

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  2. I just want to comment that I have been tearing through your blogs and thoroughly enjoy them. Everything I’ve read thus far rings true. I especially love what you penned above, “They have helped me and improved me, but not in the way they intended”. I’m fresh out of a narcissistic relationship, having only five months invested. I knew at least a month ago with what/whom I was dealing. My super intelligent, omipotent, non-human narcissist didn’t know I knew, however. About a month ago, I called him out on his shit; exposed him for what/who he is. I even one-upped him: I know where he lives (never revealed to me by him), know his clients’ home addresses (idiot, oh wait, what? yeah, he let me in their houses for rendeszous), know he isn’t the independent man he claims to be, saved every, single correspondence he sent me, etc. Moreover, I told him he had/has a god complex that runs in tandem with the NPD he bears. I also told him he way underestimated my strength and, knowing his fear of exposure, used my arsenal to threaten HIM (even found out a way to contact his psuedo brother-in-law, yeah, no judgments, please). He is so shaking in his boots right now. I went NC, except for my email, which I cannot change at the present time, and, quite frankly, don’t want to since he is still sending me correspondence four weeks after I established NC (which is actually quite comical-he’s trying EVERY and ANY emotional ploy, save “suicide” to get back into the fold); these are my insurances that he won’t wig out completely (yeah, I know there’s still a possibility he will). My point is, that, although I pride myself on being caring and compassionate, there’s a line I will cross if need be. While my desire is to love, I have learned to love myself first and foremost (other than God), and, I will stop at nothing now to preserve myself at ALL costs, even if that means painfully exposing him publicly should he choose to keep harrassing me. I win. Period. Asshole. Sorry =)

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      Being caring and compassionate and respectful of others is a great trait to have, and works well when you’re dealing with someone who is similar, and who believes that relationships are built on mutual exchange.

      When dealing with a narcissist the relationship is all about them and what they want, need and can get from you. You are the source of supply to all their demands, and their demands are never happy or satisfied and are endless. If you treat them with caring, compassion and respect, they think you’re a fool, especially for putting up with their behaviour and treatment, because they just don’t understand people and think everyone is out for themselves like they are.

      Sometimes you have to switch to the side of your nature which is on the opposite side of caring and compassion and respect. It’s there if you need it, you just don’t usually need it until you meet a narcissist or someone of similar disorder. Being ruthless and determined is the only way to get your point across to them. Of course they never really get the point, but if you prove to be too difficult, hard to manipulate and control, they’ll move on to someone who hasn’t sussed them and their game out. It does take a while for them to move on, especially if you dented their ego.

      It also depends on how in love they think they are with you, when you go NC this can cause them to become obsessed with how much they love you (or their version of you which tends to become more and more idealised the longer they don’t have contact with you), and how much they need to have you back.

      NC is challenging because the narcissist does not recognise or accept it, and it may encourage them to up their game, they sometimes see it as a quest they must win. If they win they get a massive ego boost, which their dented ego needs to remove the dent. They will keep poking you until you react, and they are very persistent. They are like warped children nagging a parent until they get what they want, and they know they’ll get it because at some point your patience will snap, they will press every trigger button you have to get you to respond to them, and you’ll give it to them just to get rid of them (only they don’t see it that way). Giving them what they want does get rid of them… until they want something else, then they’re back doing the same routine again.

      So ruthlessness and insensitivity are useful when dealing with a narcissist. Stay focused and determined, you have to outlast them, become the sort of stone which water dripping on it can’t wear down and erode.

      You can balance out being ruthless and insensitive, which can be tough if it’s not a way of being with which you are comfortable, by being loving, compassionate and caring with those who deserve it and return it (and that includes you).

      Take care of yourself, trust your instincts. Love your power!

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  3. Thank you for writing these posts about the pattern of narcissism. I feel like I’ve been very naive about this and am now learning about NPD and narcissistic traits in doses that I can manage. The first few days I felt physically ill from what I read, like I’d been sliced from chin to navel. How did I miss this pattern? How did I go so long without knowing about it? It explains so much; so much that I tried to voice, but words often failed me at the time, and I was left with a strong yet vague sick/sad/baffled feeling. Also, thank you for addressing in posts that society itself is narcissistic. I think this is a very important point. Questions that this brings up for me: If society is a narcissist, then should people stop trying to change it? Or how does the change to a more compassionate, authentic society happen if it is narcissistic and so many people in power display these traits? I was running my life on the basis that people have good intentions, yet sometimes people are overcome with emotion and act out, or due to negative conditioning repeat harmful patterns — but then have remorse or the ability to feel bad. I feel blind sided by the idea that some people do not feel empathy or remorse. And the fact that some scientific research is pointing to that also just flat out scares me. BTW, I have Cancer rising, a 10th house Pisces moon, and Neptune conjunct Narcissus in the 6th. This previously unnamed (for me) pattern would literally make me physically sick when I encountered it. And since now I can recognize my childhood history with it, it explains why I could never swallow it from society. As soon as it crossed my lips, and before I swallowed it whole, my body would fiercely reject it. — E

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      Throughout our life we gather small parts of information and they gradually come together until a picture begins to form, it takes a while longer for that picture to make sense. Things take time. We focus on what we need to when we need to, and each point of focus leads to another. We collect questions and answers, and these eventually connect with each other, leading us onwards in our journey through life, learning, expanding our perspective. Knowledge happens when we are ready for it to be absorbed. When that happens we often wonder why we didn’t see it before, all that really matters though is that we see it now.

      Don’t worry about what you didn’t know before, you know it now, and that knowledge is a part of your personal power.

      When each of us as individuals realises and owns our own personal power, we affect the society of which we are part.

      Society is made up of all of us individuals, as we change individually then so does society, but it takes time because it takes each of us time to understand ourselves, our lives, and our separate part in the whole. How the way we are and live affects everyone else too.

      The recent rise over the past decade of more and more information about narcissism and sociopathy shows that we are all wanting to know and see, understand and make changes within our own lives, in how we live and how we relate to ourselves and to others. It coincides with the bursting of a collective bubble which started approximately in the 80’s and has culminated now. It’s as though we all had to go through a developmental phase of collective narcissism, and now it’s time to move on from that to the next phase. Which I think is happening, but it takes time, small steps. History shows that, there is a momentum which gathers. At the moment the momentum for change is strong and gathering pace.

      Astrologically this year is very potent transit-wise. Look to where Pluto and Uranus are, and right now at where Jupiter and Mars are located via transit in your chart. If any of those planets are aspecting natal planets then you’ll feel the jolts and the changes they are bringing. Since you have Cancer rising, Jupiter is either in your 12th – the collective unconscious and that which is hidden – or it’s in your 1st – the self and identity. Jupiter expands everything it touches and in Cancer it enhances the emotional body. It brings great emotional awareness.

      I wouldn’t worry too much about those who lack empathy or remorse. That is their path in life. It’s up to those of us who do have empathy and remorse to balance the scales, to understand that there is a place here on Earth for all of us. That every life has meaning, and is part of a whole. To live our lives based on our own principles and use our personal power wisely. To transform our fear and to use the negative muses in our lives to inspire something constructive within us rather than destructive. To create within our own lives that which we consider of value, and pass that on in some way which is of value to others.

      We’re here to be who we are as we are and express and share it with others.

      Thank you for sharing, trust yourself, and take care of yourself!

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      1. Thank you! I especially like the idea of using the negative muses as inspiration for something constructive. I will ponder that and your other wise words for a while. (And Jupiter just crossed my ascendant in Cancer, so this will be interesting — an opportunity for self exploration I suppose) Thanks again 🙂 — E

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    2. I feel you so much on this topic. The idea that there are people walking among us not having the slightest concern for how their less than par behavior affects the lives of others, is just so foreign to me. Not being able to expect empathy or kindness from some of our fellow human beings, shakes me to my core and makes me a little paranoid to be honest. I do not want to be suspicious of my fellow man, but having been put thru the ringer by someone with no good intentions, has made me question my own ability to remain open hearted. I think that many of us are blindsided by this behavior, because it is not something that we are prepared for. We don’t expect to come across people, who abuses and deceives us in such a cruel manner that it leaves us scarred and reeling from the pain. These people use the most beautiful thing there is to manipulate us into participating in their game. It is utterly abhorrent and I was in no way prepared for the aftermath of this union. I am spending so much energy trying to get back on track and fix something that was already pretty broken to start with. I admire the woman here for getting revenge. Sometimes you gotta do what makes you feel,better. It takes a lot of balls to stand up to someone like that. I have found out that these people are cowards at their core, so ruffling their feathers is only fair when done in a manner that will only hurt their ego or fake selves. Hopefully that one victim that hits back will get the perpetrator feel less inclined to dig quite as deep the next time, he or she is at work manipulating people. I struggle with trying to forgive myself for having allowed this to go so far while trying not to become bitter because of one persons actions towards me. I think we have to be better at seeing the red flags, but we all so want to believe that our soulmate is out there, so when this soulless creature turns up, they tap right into this hope of ours and makes us abandon all sense and reason. That is why, I believe, the pain that follows is so much worse than your average I breakup. Having to accept that you have been deceived while believing that you were deeply loved, is too much for most people to process without having to do some serious healing afterwards. I don’t want to believe that narcissist are all around us. I have only ever met one in my life, and I was acutely aware that he was not quite right in the head from the outset. I just chose to label him as an eccentric I experienced all the cycles not understanding what was happening and feeling that I was losing my mind. I found this website and others and I cannot tell you the relief I felt. Discovering that you are dealing with a flawed human being is a great help to move on and away from them. I cannot believe how the behavior of these people is so alike across the board. It’s like they all get the same book as teenagers with the same script. I know that this has taught me not to get involved with this type of person ever again. I know that they are fairly rare in numbers, but nonetheless very important to avoid at all cost, if you want to stay sane and avoid carrying a lifelong trauma around with you.

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  4. But then it gradually dawned on me that the only way to free myself from my self-created prison and from them was to echo and mirror back to them what they were doing and had done to me)))))))))))) This is exactly what caused my x to probably seek sanctuary elsewhere. i think he’s gone for good but its only been a couple of weeks but he feels gone.

    He moved in and out of my house 2 times in 3 days, a total of 10 times in 4 years . Every time he left, he would be marching around shirtless, screaming, veins popping, packing his van in the loudest, most prolonged way possible. At 50 he only owned about 3 boxes of complete shit, but some how, he could tie up an entire day ‘moving out’ until it was dark and then he would say “I’m not leaving here at night”. And it would drag on to ruin yet another day.

    The final time he left, it was so unexpected, i decided to block him out of my life, no contact. But if i am honest, it was not so that i could regain my balance or health it was truly b/c i wanted to treat him, translation: hurt him, as he had hurt me. So I’d have him on block and then take a call intermittently. I made all communication as impossible, frustrating and painful, convoluted as he had done with me. he was no longer my bf, but rather a specimen. I made him wait days for a call, cry for a call back then reblock after a good day with me.

    When i felt like it, i would text him as if I had tourettes. My rage/hurt/ disappointment seemed to have no end. If i am honest, I still cared and still do for some odd reason to this day. And i think that mirroring the relationship he gave to me, is the treatment that broke him seeing me as that shiny place of warm that he could come and go and take a virtual dump upon causing him to search out a less stress free relationship.

    Now that he has made such a great point of telling me he is with someone else, I don’t have guilt but something about my behavior doesn’t sit right with me. i didn’t go no contact to save myself, it was more to punish him. And in the end, i now feel punished by seeing a rageful, vindictive, out of control person, a side of myself i did not know existed. And i gave him the ammunition to tell the next girl how horrid i was. Now i am just devalued like all of the other women that didn’t work out. I said to him, now i am just another comma on a sad sentence of women’s names. And he said no, you are the end b/c you are the person who truly showed me how worthless i am. And then in a twinkling, he was gone.

    Why do i feel so badly about what i did.

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    1. A couple of weeks is not gone in narcissist time. They can disappear for years and then turn up again. However if you’ve used the tactic which you did, they’re less likely to come back for more, they don’t know how to deal with their own behaviour mirrored back to them. They don’t like it, they do not like being treated the way they treat others. They do not like being outwitted and bested at their own game. But they won’t forget what you did and they will try to find a way to win against you.

      Going with how he made his exit which is typically dramatic narcissist style, with a final statement designed in part to make you feel bad about what you did, make you feel that you are the bad person, thus making it hard for you to let go and move on, and it distracts you from everything bad which he did. He is the victim and you are the victimiser.

      In other words he inspired the bad feeling within you so you would get caught up in it. Then he left the way he did so you wouldn’t get closure. He left you with a bad feeling, a bad taste in your mouth and he’s probably waiting for you to chase after him to alleviate the guilt he has left you with.

      You did not give him ammunition. Narcissists make up stuff about people all the time, the stories they tell are all about getting what they want, creating an image for themselves where they appear like a victim or hero or whoever they want to be. The truth is not an issue for them as the truth is whatever they say it is regardless of what it actually is. He’s going to tell people whatever he wants to tell them. The crazy ex story is a favourite of narcissists. The part they leave out is that they’re the reason all their exes are crazy, they drive people insane but it’s never their fault or responsibility.

      You did not make him feel worthless or showed him how worthless he was. Narcissists feel that way all the time, it is part of the narcissistic wound, and it’s one of the reasons why they behave the way they do.

      The rageful, vindictive, out of control side of yourself is not who you are, which is why it weighs heavily upon you. It’s actually who he is. It is something which goes with the narcissistic wound. Narcissists pass their wound onto and into others, and get other people to express it, to feel it, to live it. They dump their confusion, rage, and fear on others and then they try to run away from it.

      That side of you only comes out with him, right? So he’s the cause of it. Having him out of your life and moving on from him is the solution.

      You might find this of interest and helpful – http://narcraiders.wordpress.com/venting/my-dear-little-narcissist/

      Don’t worry about the ‘dark’ side you’ve discovered within yourself. Years of putting up with the rollercoaster ride of drama, high highs, low lows, endless frustrations, etc of being in a relationship with a narcissist takes its toll. Sometimes the only way to free yourself from their prison of crazy is to go crazy yourself. But once you’re free you can become sane again, because the crazy side is a symptom of being with a narcissist. They are like an addiction which slowly takes over your life and makes you act in ways you never thought were possible. Kick the habit and the worst of it goes away with the kicked habit.

      Don’t be hard on yourself, be compassionate. Realise that you did what you had to do to survive and break free. That ‘dark’ side came to your rescue, but now that it did what you needed it to do, let it go, don’t dwell on it, don’t let it become a punishment for yourself, you’ve suffered enough, it’s time to take care of yourself, heal, recover, be gentle with yourself. Don’t waste your energy feeling bad, channel that energy into finding ways to feel good.

      I know it’s hard, but you are strong and resourceful.You need to have relationships with people who bring out all the sides of you which you enjoy.

      You might want to join a forum where you can talk with people who have had similar experiences – http://n-continuum.blogspot.co.uk/p/won-forum.html

      Finding those who understand the experiences which you have had will help you to understand the experiences you have had, will give you a different perspective which may show you that sometimes good people have to be bad to deal with bad people who pretend to be good.

      Focus on yourself and what you need right now in your life.

      Hope this helps 🙂

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  5. Thanks again for this wonderful post…I am loving your blog…. 🙂 It feels a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders after reading this… 🙂

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    1. Thank you 😀 I’m still working my way through my relationships with Narcissists, trying to find the healing in the hurt. I find it helps to see the gifts they accidentally offer.

      In all relationships, the good and the bad and the ones which have a bit of both, which is most relationships, when the bad bit hits, it helps to remember the good bits. Not in a nostalgic way, but to recall how good they made you feel about yourself, because that still applies.

      The bad bits, when you feel bad about yourself, well, they ask you questions about the way you relate. To others and to yourself. Are you too hard on yourself is that why you let others have so much say about who you are and how you feel about yourself? You know, those kind of questions.

      Let the good and the bad inspire you to get to know yourself, and like yourself. It can be difficult but it is worth the challenge. Sometimes being faced with someone who makes you feel bad is the incentive you need to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself! You’re worth it! Believe in you, even when you doubt yourself. The best relationship and most important one is the one you have with yourself because it influences all the others.

      Thank you for sharing, it means a lot to me 😀

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  6. You must have somehow knew I needed this post! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Family is learning about the NPDM and I found out some things I did not know. Not that they were surprising at all…just reinforces what I went through as a child and why I do not want to take responsibility for her after hospitalization. NPDM has been giving an Oscar worthy performance live and in living color all this week.

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    1. Take care of your beautiful self, that’s your main priority in life, and by taking care of yourself the ripples of that touch those you love and those ripples take care of them too.

      There is absolutely no reason for you to sacrifice yourself, and therefore those you love (because if you’re unhappy those you love will feel it), for your NPDM. She may have a million reasons why you are obliged to take care of her, but those belong to her and are her problem. Of course she is trying to make her problems yours, because that’s what NPDs do. She will probably try to use the old – children must look after their parents – excuse and back that up using societal judgment to pressure you. You’re strong enough to withstand that kind of pressure, you’ve had practice. Stay strong, your strength is awesome and you know it even if you don’t always feel it.

      It’s time she dealt with the consequences of her past actions. It’s time the karma she has shifted onto others becomes her responsibility. It’s time she reaped what she sowed. Time for you to stop protecting her from the consequences of her actions. It may sound cruel, especially to those who have had good parents, but when you have a bad parent… how long to do have to keep paying for it with your life and the lives of your loved ones? Society may judge you, it likes to do that because it feels better about itself when it does, but society does not have to live your life and put up with your NPDM.

      Being insensitive to my poor martyric NPDM has changed my life, and being insensitive to the opinions of others especially where my behaviour is concerned has made a huge difference. When people criticise or comment on my role as a daughter, I just tell them they can have my mother and be a good daughter to her because I quit that job and am now self-employed. People tend to shut up when you challenge their idle judgments. Besides they’re just relieved they’re not you. That’s all they really want, to feel they’re better than you. That’s fine by me, as long as I can do things my way, because I’ve tried doing it their way and it sucks for me.

      Claim your freedom, it’s going to be difficult, but in the long run it is less difficult than not doing it.

      Much love from me to you.

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      1. Thank you…your offer of support means so much to me right now. Friday I broke out of my prison of silence to NPDM’s side of the family so it was very comforting to see your response.

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        1. Thank you. Your courage inspires mine, keep it flowing. You deserve to be free, you’ve done your time in that prison. Now it is time to live your life on your own terms, and if it bothers others, let them be bothered, don’t let their needs make you neglect your own. They should be taking care of their own needs not passing that burden on to you, and that includes others needing you to keep quiet because they don’t want to hear something. They have fingers, they can use them to block their ears, not make you stop yourself from expressing yourself.

          Take care and live free 😀

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  7. ” . . . because most of the Narcissists I know, especially the female ones, claim to be very sensitive.” I agree. What I noticed before I kicked my kicking narcissistic friends to the curb was that they always told people, “you to empathize with everyone.” After a while, they empathy they wanted wasn’t for other random person, but instead they wanted everyone to empathize with THEM! I also noticed to that they would always play the victim to garner any attention. I also noticed too that if they had a problem, they never would fix it, but instead use that as ammo to garner more sympathy. Normal people don’t allow a problem to fester.

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    1. Very true. Most people want to meet each other half way, understand both sides of a story and view points and get along, so we work through disagreements and make room for others to be themselves without that affecting us being ourselves. It’s equality in a relationship. Narcissists see themselves as superior, and everyone else, including other Narcissists, as inferior. We serve them. They are here to be served. And we should be grateful they even noticed us.

      Glad to hear you’re seeing through the illusion and freeing yourself from it. You have a sharp eye and mind!

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