Tetchycal Difficulties

I woke up in a tetchy mood this morning.

My jaw and face were aching because I was grinding and clenching my teeth in my sleep harder than usual.

I had a bad dream. My worst dreams, the ones I consider nightmares, are not ones which frighten me, but those which frustrate me.

In this dream I had to pack, not once but twice. I hate packing. I had already done the packing, then the stuff I’d packed was unpacked, and as soon as it was unpacked it needed packing again.

Who unpacked the stuff which they knew would have to be packed again?

Well, I unpacked some of it, but I did not know it would need packing again. I recall being very pleased with myself for emptying the suitcases so quickly and efficiently. Then…

My mother told me that all the stuff which had been unpacked needed packing in the next hour because we were leaving. She could not do the packing, that was my job, and I’d better hurry up.

Had I known this was a temporary stop I would not have unpacked anything.

I considered killing her.

That may sound awful to those who love their mothers, and to those who think violent tendencies need to be suppressed even in dreams, just in case allowing them freedom of expression in the subconscious world might cause them to leak out into the waking life.

I use my dreams to sort things out, because whatever is happening in a dream is a reflection, albeit an often distorted one like in a Funhouse mirror, of what is occurring in waking life. Deal with a frustration in a dream and that ripples out into your conscious life, helping to solve the things which are happening there.

So what was this dream reflecting?

Oddly enough, it wasn’t about my mother. My subconscious uses her as a symbolic representation of extreme frustration. The way she was behaving in the packing dream is typical of her real life behaviour. Any interaction with her results in extreme frustration.

This dream was riddled with frustrations for me.

When I was told to pack the stuff up again in a limited time, I panicked for a second. I hate being timed, having a tick-tock deadline.  When rushed I slow down to give myself time to think. Then I got annoyed. I do not like it when things don’t make sense. Why pack something just to unpack it and then pack it up again. But under all of the frustrations and my reactions to them, was a calm sense that I didn’t need any of the stuff at all. I did not need to pack. It was my mother who needed me to pack because she was attached to all of this stuff which she was dragging around with her.

What would happen if when the time came for her to leave, her stuff was not packed and ready to go?

So…

I said ‘NO!’. And refused to do as I was ordered.

Then I woke up.

It’s the 1st of November, and it seems that the theme for this month for me may be – NO-vember. I was thinking about that before I went to sleep, my mind likes to play with words. I was also contemplating some habits I want to say ‘No’ to. Now would be a good time to do it.

Astrologically transiting Mars is on my Ascendant about to cross into the 1st house, finishing up the task of stirring up all the 12th house subconscious gunk with a giant hammer, and preparing me for action. While on the Ascendant he’s making me tetchy with restlessness. I want to go go go, but he wants me to pause and focus on the destination. If I go before I know where I’m going I’ll end up going all over the place and nowhere in particular.

Psychologically, this year has changed me in ways I am still discovering. I am not who I was, who I was was not who I am. I feel more myself now than I ever have.

There have been moments in the past when I was fully myself, but they were brief, they came and went. This new, more authentic me may also go. I was thinking about that before I fell asleep. The changes in me which have freed me up to be more fully myself are ones I value and would like to keep… what if they go? Then again, the reason they came was because I let go of the stuff which was piled up on top of the real me. I’m still working on doing more of that, unpacking for good. If I move again, and I probably will, I’m not packing any bags, not taking any stuff with me, I’m just going as is.

Now I have to go and deal with the thing which the dream was really reflecting, the fact that I have to get into a tiny claustrophobia-inducing cupboard which is crammed with empty boxes to find the one box which isn’t empty because I need something in it. I don’t want to do it. I packed that cupboard so well.

Why do I have all those empty boxes? Because I never know how long I’ll stay in one place and they are useful… maybe I should let them go. But if I do that, it’ll trigger a move. Hmmm. Maybe it’s time…

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4 thoughts on “Tetchycal Difficulties

  1. “Psychologically, this year has changed me in ways I am still discovering. I am not who I was, who I was was not who I am. I feel more myself now than I ever have.” *nods enthusiastically*

    I don’t even recognize the person I was a year ago…but that’s because she was missing pieces of herself. Just like an old prom dress, I hung many aspects of myself up in the very back of the closet a while back…and wore the wardrobe of someone else perhaps to please others or because it “seemed like the right thing”. Why then did I start heading down the wrong path? (which arguably was the right path to get me to this point) and why did I get into relationships with the wrong people? (which arguably were the right people if I really was who I was portraying myself as). Because the only way to seek and attract what will fulfill your soul is to be true to yourself. And its the best feeling in the world.

    The truth will set you free.

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    1. I agree with you, I think that it is all part of a process, that we need to spend time not being ourselves so that we can have that experience. It gives us information which helps us to come back to ourselves and embrace who we are as is with added appreciation for who we are. We now really want to be ourselves, rather than just doing it because we don’t have a choice, I think the fact that we choose to be who we are makes doing it more valuable to us. Also spending time living as someone else helps us to understand others, it gives us the ability to place ourselves in their shoes, even if the shoes don’t fit. Understanding others helps us to understand ourselves, it is linked.

      Rediscovering ourselves is a wonderful adventure, and is indeed a great feeling! Enjoy it 😀

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  2. I like that “NO-vember”…I too have been in this butterfly stage, shedding old habits and ways of thinking, developing a more authentic representation of me…not that the old me was inauthentic, but it no longer serves….such a process and I wish I could focus on it solely because my impatience gets the best of me…I want to be whole and fully realized NOW….but work and life also have to happen while I continue on this journey. I’m trying to appreciate the journey :). Like you I worry that the changes I’ve made or the new values that I think are great might slip or go away as I continue to evolve..and, I suppose, in the face of pressures or situations around me. I guess the key is to just examine and explore your self daily and the values or ways of being that stick are always the ones that are most authentic and true to your self…and then try to maintain those regardless of the external forces that may be at play.

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    1. I replied to this before this reply but that previous reply disappeared… hmmm… What does this mean!?! That sounds crazy but… it’s not crazy crazy 😉 A technical glitch due to Wp doing technical updates perhaps or did I forget to press the right button?

      Thank you. You’ve touched upon many things which mean a lot to me. I hope you know you’ve helped me. I hope it flows both ways. Everything and everyone is connected, it’s just not always clear how and why especially when we are focused on one thing and miss the rest.

      I agree with you, what is meant to last will last, the rest will fade away or be tested for its true value. We sometimes have to repeat a cycle to know what is of worth and what is not.

      May your butterfly self have beautiful wings which unfold and fly to flowers which you have never before seen, but which taste delicious!

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