When I first started blogging I did not have a plan for my blog, I still don’t. This is characteristic of the way I am and have always been. I am a Jack of all trades and master of none. I have Gemini on the MC/10th house and Mercury in Aquarius. I start things and start more things, everything is an experiment, nothing ever gets finished it just ends where it ends, when I get bored, feel I’ve done all I can with that, learned what it had to teach, and it leads into something else. I go with the flow of me… whoever me is in the moment.
This could be viewed as a positive thing, but for most of my life it was viewed as negative. What could have been perceived as a talent was perceived as a flaw.
I used to get criticised for being this way mostly by my Narcissistic mother who found everything I did and was to be wrong and had to inform me about it repeatedly. My father was also a Narcissist, but he expressed his disapproval of me by ignoring me a lot. He did not approve of my being alive, my existence was a betrayal. He remembered I existed when he needed to use me for something, usually to get at my mother. I belonged to her, I was her minion, hurt me and you hurt her… or something like that. If you think Narcissists are horrible to those who are not Narcissists, you should see what they are like to each other, and to those who get caught in the middle like a piggy.
Neither of my parents were particularly interested in my scholastic achievements. If I did well or badly at school it was of no concern to them. What did concern them was how my intelligence or stupidity reflected on them. My image was their image. I was an extension of them, but only when they were reminded of my existence. When I was out of sight… I did not exist. I did not exist even when I was in plain view, I was an eyesore, a thing not a person.
My parents were always afraid that I would be seen as being ugly or stupid by their friends and social circle, so I was constantly picked on to become less ugly and stupid, but I had to fail and succeed at the same time. I had to be a genius and an idiot. I had to be beautiful and ugly. Which one I had to be at any given moment was dependent on how my parents were feeling about themselves in that instant. I had to be constantly vigilant. Mistakes were not allowed, unless they were expected to be made because that was what was needed.
Confused? I was. I have Neptune natally in the 3rd house of the mind. I also have dyslexia. Confusion is my mind’s default setting. My confusion made me existentially sad. It also made me very angry. Mars in Scorpio in the 3rd. And intriguingly I have the asteroid Narcissus – 37117 – in the 3rd too, conjunct my natal Mars. Does that make my mind Narcissistic?
When tackling the concept of Narcissism, you have to remember that it is a natural phase of development. We all go through it. It is healthy. It is the moment we move from being an ‘it’ of sorts to an ‘I’. Our identity as an individual, separate from our parents and others, begins to take shape. Narcissistic Personality Disorder happens when a person, a child, gets stuck in that phase and never moves on from it. They are permanently caught between self and other, no boundaries form, and magical thinking is rampant. We find Narcissists fascinating because they still believe what we stopped believing when we grew up. They never grew up. They created a home in the land of fairytales, while we left fairytales behind in make believe which was not real. They remind us of that time, and that’s why we fall in love with them. But all fairytales have a bad side. That’s when we fall out of love with them. But a dark desire holds us hostage. The wish to save what can’t be saved… if we could do it, it would make us special, a knight in shining armor!
So, is my mind a Narcissist? Maybe. It can be very arrogant, but I know it can and keep a watchful eye on it. Not always successfully. Sometimes I have to let it run amok or it turns on me. Scorpions do that. I used to only allow it to sting me, afraid that I might hurt others… that in of itself was quite arrogant, inverted arrogance similar to inverted Narcissism. I spent a bit of time as an Inverted Narcissist. I recognise the signs.
Can Narcissism be found using astrology? Hmmm.
If you’re going to use astrology to pinpoint the potential for Narcissism, surely you should use the asteroid Narcissus, as the disorder is named after the mythological character. But you can’t have Narcissus without Echo.
The asteroid Echo – 60 – is in my 10th house. Does that mean that my social status and career is an echo of others? Who I am and what I do is what others perceive me to be and do? I have no say. I can’t be heard.
Echo is in transit in my 1st house, conjunct my natal Pluto. Narcissus is in transit through my 4th house – family, roots, and early childhood conditioning – the house through which transiting Pluto has almost exited. Pluto is very close to my Sun in the 5th, my creative ego. Pluto natally is linked to my identity – 1st house. It’s funny in a strange way, but this year more than any other in my entire life of about 40 years I have had to repeatedly prove not only that I exist but who I am (and not just to computer programs that want you to prove that you are human). Transiting Uranus has played a part in that too, as Pluto and Uranus are up to all sorts at the moment for all of us because of the square between them.
I do think that looking at the asteroids Echo and Narcissus (sorry Narcissus for putting Echo first, get over it) can be useful, but it is an exercise in creative thinking as not much in the way of official astrological interpretations exist on those asteroids. Some astrologers have touched upon them, but… Hmmm.
Where else can we look for Narcissism in Astrology?
I thought my life would improve once I got away from the suffocating negativity of my family, once I reached that age when a child can emancipate itself from its parents, but when I entered the world beyond family I just found more of the same. Society seemed to agree with my parents that I was useless, not good enough, that I should be smarter, but unfortunately I was doomed to eternal stupidity. Later Society decided that the way I looked physically was ugly, I should fix it, get some plastic surgery, starve myself, but still I would never achieve an impossible ideal of beauty so I was doomed to be eternally ugly too. Society was a Narcissist.
Psychologists in recent years have highlighted the concept that Society is increasingly Narcissistic. When did this rise in Narcissism start? In astrology you look at generational planets to find the influences affecting society and a span of time. Pluto, Uranus, and Neptune travel very slowly through signs and affect generations. I was born during the Pluto/Uranus conjunct generation, at the tail end of it. Those born now will all have Pluto square Uranus in their natal charts, the rest of us will feel the effect of that transit wane at some point, but those born with it will feel it always.
Neptune caught my eye. I often forget about Neptune. It has that effect on me. I went through Neptune square Neptune recently and amongst other things I felt completely insubstantial during that time and yet other aspects felt very substantial, such as my body. Transiting Neptune was in my 6th (still is). I was suddenly very aware that I had one, a body, but what was in that body… Weird, but personal to my chart. I did a post about it vaguely somewhere.
Neptune represents ideals, dreams, and all things spiritual, the collective consciousness and subconscious. From approximately 1984 until 1994, Neptune was in Capricorn. The idealist meets the realist. The dreamer meets the materialist. The spiritual is made manifest. I believe meets I use.
During that time I felt rejected by everyone. I was a reject. Flawed beyond repair. I spent my late teens and early twenties in a very dark place inside. I had nowhere else to go, the world outside was hostile and didn’t want me there. Did not approve of my existence, ergo I did not exist.
The one biggest thorn in my life was that I did not have a dream or ideal to pursue and make real.
That is Neptune in Capricorn’s greatest power – to make a dream manifest in reality. It has an almost supernatural ability to turn was is unreal into something real. And during that time our material reality globally changed dramatically. Suddenly, almost overnight, we all had more stuff, or had access to having more stuff. Money became a god, more so than it had ever been. Money was power, power was money. Material wealth became everything. Having was more important than being, because by having it made you who you were. Status became what you had. Labels labelled you. Your clothes made you. Your job made you. Your house made you. Things made you. Not what you believed or your background or anything else which could not be seen or touched or turned into profit. The arts became big business. Actors and artists no longer struggled to pursue their dream, their dream career became a gold mine for them and for those who worked behind the scenes, the investors and business men and women. Being an actor or artist became a good investment for those who invested in it and for those who made it their career.
My mother was an actress who gave up her dreams to support my father in his when she married him. My father was an artist. Both my parents saw themselves as successful at turning their dreams into reality, and they told life stories of how they always knew from infancy what they wanted to be and they became that. Society at that time, when they were young adults, had just entered a phase where people were encouraged to do exactly that – have a dream and make it real. Go beyond the limitations of the generations before. And many people did just that, and the generations after that kept that ethos going.
When I was a young adult the dream made manifest became even more powerfully enforced. Big business boomed. Entrepreneurs went from nobody to somebody in the blink of an eye, a wave of a magic wand, and then told others how they had had a dream, pursued it, and made it real. How to make your dreams come true also became big business. The power of turning thought into reality. Selling to others how to think properly to manifest thought into something material. So many successful people kept echoing the sentiment – If I can do it so can you, just believe and use that belief, make it manifest.
But I couldn’t. I felt completely out of sync with the times.
Many years have passed, I’ve worked through my darkness (still working on it), times have changed. I have changed with them.
I was reviewing the path of my life, and overlaying it with the astrology of my natal chart. I was interested in astrology during those dark times, but even astrology rejected me then. I’m a Capricorn Sun. You’d think that when Neptune was in Capricorn, that being a Capricorn would have been the ideal. Maybe it was, but… it just seems to be not a good sign to be if you want to hear anything good about yourself.
An extreme if quite common example (I realise this is intended to be humorous, but…) – Urban Dictionary: Capricorn
Once you’re in a dark place, you see everything through dark glasses, and perhaps that is the way it should be. Rather than try to escape the darkness perhaps that is where you need to be, to pass through it and one day emerge into the light, with a new understanding and appreciation for both light and dark.
My blog is in some ways where my light side and dark side meet and dance a delicate dance, spinning together until it is hard to know which side is which, which is how I view it. Yin and Yang. Don’t split the negative and positive, because one can only exist if the other one does too. Merge them. See the flip side and all the shades in between. Perhaps you’ll see what you thought was bad is good and… well, maybe what you thought was good is not as good as you thought it was. That could free you, even if it hurts a bit.
What is this post about? No idea. Lots of possible ideas. I was just contemplating this and that. My blog. My blog stats. Narcissism and Astrology are my top posts. Strange. Is that who I am to you? Is that what you want from me? Is that what I am going to give you? Or…
I have no plan for my blog, not then, not now, probably not ever, it flows as I flow. An experiment… in a life made of experiments (that’s what I call mistakes and not mistakes). That’s it really. Or is it?
Being visible when you’ve spent so much time being invisible is unnerving… yet quite exciting and challenging too. Who am I? Who do you think I am? Am I meant to maintain who you think I am, but who is that? Will it please or displease?
Oh… just let it all hang out and be…
Who I am is always in flux, yet… there is something which does not fluctuate.
I debated not posting this because it is long and messy. But… if my blog becomes about what others want or what I perceive others to want from me, I lose myself, I know I am doing that, and my Pluto side kicks in and rescues me from my folly. My Pluto and Neptune are tied by an aspect. Pluto always saves me when I lose myself in confusion usually in a severing ties manner. If my blog stops being mine, about me for me, accidentally being about others for others… my blog stops being.
Yet, I want this to benefit others as much as it benefits me, because things should flow both ways. Being able to do my blog my way, helps me, and your comments help me, and those who comment regularly have probably noticed how their words inspire mine, so I need to be selfish but also give as I get. My ideal is that you get as much from me as I get from you… and we can use what we get to give and get more… Something like that.
For a post linking Astrology and Narcissism try this: The Psychological Vampire, Astrologically Viewed by Lynn Koiner
If you want to find the asteroids Echo (60) and Narcissus (37117) in your chart, go to Astrodienst, create a guest user profile with your birth data, go to the Extended Chart Selection, enter the numbers of the asteroids at the bottom of the page where there is a space for it and click to generate your chart. While there consider playing with other asteroids too. Compassion (8990) and Talent (33154) are two I have experimented with, with intriguing results. Compassion is conjunct my natal Moon and Talent is in Scorpio in my 3rd (um, oh, dear!). Have fun with it!