NSFM – Not Safe For Men – but is it safe for women?

“Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.”

― Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Men just can’t understand, even when they try because men do try very hard to understand women (they do and it is appreciated even if it doesn’t feel that way), what it is like to be a woman.

The constant fear. The need to be ‘nice’ to placate a man’s ego which could at any moment give way to homicide, or womanicide, or something worse. If they kill you, you’re dead, if they take their issues out on you, because somehow you triggered them, then you may not be killed but you might end up wishing they had killed you instead.

Am I exaggerating? You decide.

Woman can’t understand what it is like to be a man.

Men can walk down any street dressed however they please without worrying that the way they look will attract unwanted and perhaps dangerous attention. Unless perhaps they are homosexual, but even then men have physical power which women don’t have even when women go out of their way to have physical presence, power and protection, the actual body betrays them due to muscles and hormones and gender physical differences.

Women do not try very hard to understand men. Sorry, but we don’t, we’re too angry, we’ve got generations of anger to deal with, passed on by our mothers and our mother’s mothers, sometimes also by our fathers and our father’s fathers, and so on. Our anger is so old it could be considered primal. We are born with it, inherit it and are not really sure from where it comes, it just is within us and we don’t know what to do with it. Women don’t know how to express their anger openly enough to release its hold over us. Passive aggressive is our default position, it has to be because if we express it openly, raw and uncensored, it might get us killed.

Survival instinct trumps everything else.

When you’re blamed by a book for getting humans kicked out of paradise… When you’re shown in myth to be the cause of wars… When the symbols associated with your gender are snakes and more snakes, and snakes are bad… When the female of the species in nature is shown as one which tends to kill or discard in some other way the male after copulation…

Mixed messages loom far and wide.

It seems that males are afraid of females, is that perhaps why females have been conditioned to be afraid of males, to redress an imbalance?

What would male and female relationships be like if they were balanced and truly equal. Not equal because the law says so, or because of some other fear? What if we respected each other and the gender of our bodies?

Women did not choose to be women and men did not chose to be men, unless you consider some aspects of reincarnation where we apparently choose our physical life challenges, including our gender, before we incarnate and are born. We just accept what we’re given and make the best and worst of it. What about those who are born with both gender sexual organs? Is that a choice or just another challenge?

We may or may not get to choose our gender, depends on belief, and even if we do, once we’re assigned one trying to change it requires a lot of courage and money and more choices. But we do get to choose our sexual preference or do we? Still a moot point.

Do you think that homosexual men get more respect than lesbians? Moot point or…

Where am I going with this? Nowhere at the moment. It’s that time of the month (I told you it wasn’t safe for men and now you’re grimacing in disgust!) and for me that means I get a stonkingly horrible hormonal migraine which lasts for at least three days in spite of medication. I have one of those now while writing this. It’s okay though, it may feel as though my brain wants to torture me from the inside out, my facial muscles hate me and so do my bones, any light stabs me in the eye, just one eye, like a large needle, and if I want to use my computer I have to make it very dark, then I forget I’ve done that and any work in Photoshop turns into a mess… but at least I don’t get the mood swings and other horrors of hormonal shenanigans, or do I?

Much of our concept of our gender comes from our early conditioning rather than our natural physical tendency due to gender assignment. I was an only child, there are lots of concepts too about what that means, some are hilarious to this only child. I was, am, the child of two Narcissists, which means lots of things and nothing, but I was an ‘it’ rather than a ‘she’. My gender did not matter or mean much. I sort of knew but didn’t know that I was female. I didn’t think about it much. My father hated women and men. My mother hated men and women. They hated everyone, gender was an afterthought. That’s what Narcissists do, they hate everyone, they hate themselves too, in fact they hate others because they hate themselves but they keep that bit hidden. So… I didn’t think about my gender or the gender of others much until I did and then… then what? I could hate everyone based on or regardless of gender… or hate no one based on… being a no one and knowing that no one is a no one, we all are someone.

Quite a few men have told me they thought I was a lesbian. Quite a few women have told me they thought that too about me. One woman told me she was afraid I was going to make a move on her and she did not know how to handle that if I did. I’ve been inappropriately fondled by both men and women, who then decided that doing such a thing to a person like me was a bad idea. I scare both men and women, always have since I was too young to realise the effect I was having. Call it instinct. Scare people and they don’t mess with you as much, they still mess with you just not in the same way as they would if they were not afraid of you.

For a long time I thought the way people, both male and female, reacted to me was very weird. I didn’t see myself the way they saw me, but obviously the way I saw myself, which is slightly unpredictable, affected them in some way.

And that’s just it. They way you see, perceive, yourself affects how others perceive you. If you think of yourself in a way which is based on your gender and how that gender is supposed to be, others will feel that, subconsciously, and react to it before their conscious awareness kicks in.

I don’t think of myself as a female, or male-influenced female, although most of my role models are male rather than female. It just happened that way. I see myself, first and foremost, as me, then as a human, then as a person, then somewhere vaguely I recall my gender. A recall which reminds me how vulnerable I am because of my gender because society views my gender as vulnerable, based on film, TV and other societal markers, yet fears it too. Sometimes our greatest vulnerability is our greatest strength, we may not see it… but others do.

So what does your gender mean to you?

*This post was prompted by this article – How muggers size up your walk by mindhacks.com


  1. Hi there. This is so thought provoking. I don’t know your background, but I find it honest and sincere. Whether you are a lesbian or not, it doesn’t matter. Your thoughts count. “My father hated women and men. My mother hated men and women.” How then did they raise you up, where they were supposed to love and nourish you unconditionally? I shadowed a lady with similar sentiment. She was naturally born of double gender, her father conditioned her into a boy, but she realised she’d be happiest if she lived her life as a woman. It was her happiness and peace of mind that counted most to her. Check her story: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Denied-The-Early-Years/dp/1475103964. I wish I could know more about you. Stay happy despite.


    • What a wonderful link, thank you!

      And thank you for your comment. Much appreciated 😀

      What I meant by my words about my parents is that my parents were both Narcissists, Narcissistic love is always conditional, with very limited conditions, so raising a child, female or male, and I was born and am female, meant I was always an ‘it’ to them. An object not a person of any gender. It was all about them and not about me. I was an extension of their identity, whatever identity they had in the moment.

      Some of my childhood, due to being ignored much of the time, meant that I was allowed to be feral, as in I made my own mind up about everything including my gender, and other parts were monitored and controlled too much by parents whose identities relied on mine being what and who they wanted me to be to define theirs, so my gender made me a bad thing or a good thing depending on their mood in the moment and their views about their gender and the opposite gender.

      I may have just complicated things rather than explaining them, that is part of being caught up in a relationship with a Narcissist, and being the child of Narcissists. Confusion is a constant. Confusion can lead to viewing things from a more open perspective. Who we are becomes open to multiple options, whether we choose to try out those options or not they are still valid.

      You too, be happy! Rather than in spite of, but because of… 😀


  2. In my earlier years I was always mistaken for a lesbian. I wore very short hair at a time when everyone else had long hair. Now I have long hair.

    I did have many gay lady friends and they would always laugh hysterically when one of their own tried to come on to me, because I was so hopelessly straight.

    Many men also accused me of being gay after I would refuse their advances. After all what other reason would there be for me to resist them?

    Little did they know I was just terrified of them and had absolutely no trust in them. I always gravitated towards the casual encounters.

    Growing up as I did, I was accustomed to the loneliness. It was all I ever knew.


    • Like with everything with a child of Narcissists, I think life is asking us to think for ourselves which is why we are so alone, we can’t rely on others for anything, the information we get from day one is always contradictory and confusing, so we rely on ourselves, and discover our truth for ourselves through experience. So sex and gender falls into that.

      I have always been more masculine, according to society’s criteria of feminine and masculine, in my approach to relationships. Like you, I’ve lived in different cultures. Certain things are different, certain things stay the same.

      I tend to trust males more than females. But that’s down to my experience. Most of the Narcissists whom I attract are female. I don’t attract as many male Narcissists. I think that is due to the way I behave. I am more aloof with females, so there is more room for them to create a false reality.

      I am not casual in encounters, I’m a bit too private for that. I take a long time to warm up to people, and most people walk away because they don’t have that kind of patience. Those who do have become lifelong friends.

      I think there is much power and other valuable things to be had from being alone, it just takes a while to realise what they are because society programs us to think otherwise, so we have to override that programming.

      I was worried about posting this, glad I did 😀


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