Stop Kicking the You Who You are Now because of the You Whom You Once Were

Daisy by MoonVooDoo

That’s an ideal. To stop punishing the me today by regretting the stuff that who I was, even yesterday, did do or didn’t do, or said or didn’t say. Ideals are there to inspire not become a reality. If I try to make the ideal a reality, I’ll end up getting annoyed at myself if I don’t live up to it which will lead to more kicking of self every time I stray from the ideal.

It is important to remember that I am human. You are human too. Those others who seem perfect from a distance are also human.

Have you ever looked at someone else who seems to have the perfect life, the one you may secretly want and kick yourself for not having, and wondered why they’re not happy or as happy as you would be if you had their life? Because just like you and me, they are looking back and kicking themselves now for what they did or didn’t do then, without thinking that then they were doing the same thing as they are doing now, looking back and regretting. And really, the choices we make are influenced by the circumstances of the moment… those moments are lost in time and the circumstances are too. We only tend to remember the bit which sticks in our gut, and our memory is skewed, usually against us.

20/20 hindsight is a smug ass who has nothing better to do that tut… where was it when the decision was being made? Probably hiding somewhere because it knows… nothing except in retrospect.

Humans are a mess. A lovely contradictory mess. Yes, humans can be horrible too, but without the horrible how would we know when we meet the lovely. Unfortunately we need opposites… sometimes the unfortunate can become fortunate and the fortunate becomes unfortunate. So, perhaps, fortunately we need opposites.

I say and do a lot of stupid things, I tend to regret not saying and doing the clever things… but were they really clever or do I just think they were because I didn’t say them or do them so I will never find out how stupid they were. And are the stupid things really stupid?

There have been many instances of self-kicking which have ended up turning into pats on the back, when something I thought was stupid became the source of something wonderful. By many instances I mean enough for me to know better than to be so self-judgmental… yet I still am, and then I kick myself for doing it. Argh!

I often find myself thinking when listening to someone talk, talking about something they regret doing or not doing or saying or not saying – Stop being so hard on yourself, cut yourself some slack. Then I catch myself thinking that and kick myself. You do it too, I say to myself. Yes, and because I do it I know how it feels and… I was going to say what a waste of mortal life it is, but is it?

Why do we do that? Regret stuff and kick ourselves now for who we were the other day?

It must serve a purpose other than just being a sadomasochistic hobby.

Sometimes doing something we consider foolish can be the best thing for us. It can be a liberating experience, especially if you’re very controlling of yourself. Self control is useful and at times needed, however too much self control can become a form of solitary confinement where everything you say and do becomes a reason to kick yourself.

And when you kick yourself, sometimes you miss and end up kicking someone else, and then that becomes yet another thing to regret. The more you kick yourself, the more the chances of kicking someone else, by accident or on purpose, increase.

You often see writing prompts asking you – If you could travel back in time (bad idea though it seems excellent) to a point where you made a life-altering decision and give the you who you were then some advice based on the experience you have now of how things turned out, what would you tell yourself?

Tempting to do that… but with me it’s still going to end up at this point here now where I regret one choice, wish I’d made another, but I am aware enough to know that all other decisions would have led to my regretting whatever decision I made.

Not because I’m a fuck up, in some ways I am, but because one choice has consequences, no matter the choice, and those consequences, good, bad, neither one nor the other, lead to other consequences and so on… so most results are a funny old mix of stuff, some we like and others repel us, and then there are the bits we don’t notice. Sometimes the ones we don’t notice are the most important.

Looking back is something worth doing for information, for awareness, but not if all you do with it is use it to kick yourself. Ouch! Stop it! Ouch! No really… stop! Ouch! Okay, this is getting habitually annoying!

You’re great! You have survived the challenge of being alive, and are still surviving it, cut yourself some slack… give yourself a gift! You cut other people slack all the time, keep some back for yourself, you need it and deserve it!

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11 thoughts on “Stop Kicking the You Who You are Now because of the You Whom You Once Were

  1. I can certainly go far back to think of things to kick myself for but there are plenty of things just recently I could and often do kick myself for. Perspective changes when away from the situation…unfortunately AND fortunately. lol

    I found your perspective about going back in time to give advice to myself intereting and that would mean being separate from self. Usually when I think about time travel to the past I think about going back AS myself to a certain point with the gift of the knowledge I have now from the past experience, but with the chance to do it over differently.

    So many things I can think of including things that were not my own choice, like the way I was treated as a child by parents and others. There are people who believe that we choose our parents before we’re born and we choose them for various reasons. (I have a feeling you are aware of these beliefs)

    Spiritually I am not sure what I believe so not sure about this either, but if this were the case, I would choose different and emotionally healthier parents.

    I remember though, recently I was thinking about how my life turned out and really it’s this way from an accumulation of decisions as well as the nurturing of my childhood environment. But now that I know more about that environment, I would love the chance to go back and call my parents and siblings on some of that stuff. Whether it changes/changed them or not.

    That wouldn’t matter because for me to speak up or make another decision other than what I did would help to build my own self confidence…which has usually been in the toilet most of my life.

    I was also trying to figure out if I had the choice of where to start from to go back and make different decisions, where would I go back to? I couldn’t make up my mind completely, but if I couldn’t re-choose my parents and start over, I would start from a point where I’d be old enough to begin being conscious of certain decisions. The age of 13 generally comes to mind.

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    1. When I first came across the concept that we choose our parents, I rejected the idea because it confirmed that I was a moron, and I didn’t need that kind of self-bashing to add to all the self-bashing and self-shaming which I was already doing at the time. However later I reviewed the concept and decided to try it out, and in some ways it helped me to accept things as they were rather than spend inordinate amounts of time wishing things were different than they were and staying stuck because of it. It gave me a step-up in my efforts to stop feeling so sorry for myself and all the other vicious cycles which go with that. If I did choose my parents, then I must have had my reasons for doing so, and that focused my attention on figuring out what purpose such a choice would serve. So it wasn’t life which gave me lemons, I gave them to myself – why did I do that?

      The concept that we choose our parents ties in with the concept of karma. With the idea that we choose a path for ourselves to work through certain issues, ones which we may have brought on to ourselves by actions and consequences which came out of other choices which me made in other lives. So perhaps the reason we have assholes for parents is because we were assholes in a previous existence, and now we’re getting a taste of our own medicine with the hope that we will learn from experiencing the other side of the equation. If we don’t like it when others are assholes, why would anyone like it when we are one – and perhaps these people who are our asshole parents (or anyone else we view that way with whom we have a significant relationship) are that way with us because we were that way with them in a previous life. And the cycle will keep repeating until we learn the whole lesson and then apply what we have learned to the way we live in a constructive and balanced manner.

      The problem with traveling back in time to change the course which we took is that we’re doing it based on hindsight – on the knowledge we gained form taking the course which we took. So if we travel back and change our course, it will change what we learn and the view of our hindsight, therefore we will lose everything we have learned by taking the course we took because we’ve taken another course, and at some point after we’ve traveled back we will be required to forget that we traveled back or we won’t immerse ourselves in living in the there and then because the awareness that we are from the future will affect our ability to live in the past – which has to become our present. So we’ll lose the why of why we went back, and that may cause us to deviate from our intention of changing our past to change our present (which will no longer be our present), and once we’ve deviated we may end up repeating all the things we went back to not repeat but to change.

      Have you ever read Richard Bach’s ‘One’ it is about meeting our past selves, and selves who took the other path, the one which we didn’t take, when we reached a crossroads in our lives. It’s an intriguing look at the concept of ‘who might I have been, what life might I have had if I’d done it all differently’.

      Sometimes the changes we would like to make with our past, can inspire a change in the present 🙂

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  2. Reblogged this on An Upturned Soul and commented:

    My thoughts are like knives at the moment, sharp scalpels cutting through the flesh of matter, trying to figure out whether what once mattered still matters..
    .
    The mind is like a closet which occasionally needs a good clear-out, but doing such a thing… oh, look, I’d forgotten that I had that, I can’t get rid of that I might need it someday in the future never, it may be useful even though it hasn’t been that way for a while or ever.
    .
    Or something like that.
    .
    My blog is a reflection of my mind in some ways, and so… here is something I found, should I keep it or throw it away? That’s not really a question, as if I start deleting posts to clear out my blog closet… the entire blog will get deleted, and I’m not ready to do something like that at this time or maybe ever.
    .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, i had skipped this meaningful post. These days i do need to follow your advice step by step.

      “My thoughts are like knives at the moment, sharp scalpels cutting through the flesh of matter, trying to figure out whether what once mattered still matters.”.
      this is exactly what i am going through, When i am confronted with the past and most of all with the people who inhabited my past, i just don’t recognize myself, it seems my priority was to be destroyed and the thumb of Ns.Oh, how they can cut up in thin slices just because you don’t say yes…
      precious insight again, Ursula.Take care, xxx.

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      1. That makes me nervous, the idea that you’re following my advice 😉 as I tend to follow my own advice and it leads me to some very strange places which make me rethink the perceived wisdom of the advice.

        Right at the moment my mind is very busy clearing out old thoughts which I don’t need anymore due to having had a gaseous brain big bang aha moment of sorts over the weekend. It’s still expanding and there’s a blackhole into which I’m throwing stuff which no longer needs to have matter. The knives are simply slicing away what is moldy and inedible. So in this particular instance I’m not stabbing myself, I’m using the sharp thoughts in a more productive manner (at least I think that I am).

        I think that ultimately it doesn’t matter who other people wanted you to be or what they tried to do or did do to you, what really matters is who you are now and what you do with yourself. And one of the best things to do with yourself is to be compassionate towards yourself, encourage the seeds which you’ve planted to grow and you grow with them.

        Take care of yourself ❤

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  3. In life we have so many choices and we can only make so many, so there is always that “what if?”. Having options are great, but with them always comes a certain regret with those other options that we pass by. Nobody can have it all, although in the media some of those privileged people appear to have it all. It is an illusion. Nobody does. And can anyone specifically describe a universal answer as to what “it all” is?

    Even though life is a smorgasbord (anyone remember those?) we are still not supposed to put everything on our plate. Wouldn’t that be disgusting to consume? Too much of too many things. How could you ever savor the taste of any of it?

    Even my rotten marriage, of course I regret spending way to many years spinning my wheels. But without it I would not have had my son or would I have gotten the insights that I have now. And who knows if I made other choices where they would have led. No doubt there would be regrets there too.

    I agree that life is just a series of choices, each new choice resulting from past choices. No matter what choice we may make some good things and some bad things will come from it. I always try to remember this when I have to decide on something big. Sometimes even, it may alleviate some of the angst of making a choice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Didn’t smorgasbord become trendy again a few years ago with foodies? I like the analogy.

      One thing about getting older is that it is easier to view the path taken to get where we are, and to see the choices which created that path and continue to create paths for the way ahead.

      We make so many choices in life, and sometimes those choices are made for us, and as we move through our life we see that sometimes no matter what choice we make, or that are made for us, there is a place where we have to get to, like an appointment with destiny of some sort, and every choice will eventually lead us there but by a different route.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Congrats on your well-deserved award! And thank you very much for the nom! I love blog awards they’re a fun part of blogging, especially passing them on!

      I noticed you’d changed your gravatar the other day and now I see you’re revamping your blog. Very classy! Keep doing what you’re doing and trust those wonderful instincts of yours!

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