Being Thankful for the Narcissist in your Life – The Gift in the Curse

In many ways we all have a relationship with a Narcissist. That Narcissist is known as Society.

For the past few decades Society has become increasingly Narcissistic. Image has become more important than anything else. We are judged as members of Society on how we look, not just in terms of physical attractiveness and fashion sense, but also our finances, our homes, our profession, our education and our social circle and status. Our identity depends on those things, not on who we are underneath the external image. Having has become worth more than being.

When you meet someone new they don’t take the time to get to know you as a being, they look at you as a have or have not. They do this because they do not relate to themselves as a being, but as a has or has not, both want more. They do not have time to waste, the pace of life is frantic, and they need to decide who you are, your image in society, as quickly as possible. They need to determine if knowing you is an asset and a good investment or not. Are you useful to them. They determine this mostly based on your image markers, the status labels you’re wearing which point to your pedigree. If they ask you personal questions, those questions usually are about other aspects of your image which help them to determine if they can associate with you or not. Favourite film, band, social media, art. If your answers inform them that you are better than them or at least on a par with them, then you become a potential accessory, a status label in the form of a person, to their image. If your answers inform them that you are inferior to them in some way, they dump you because you might make them look bad.

Think I’m exaggerating? Look at the rate at which people Follow and Unfollow, Friend and Unfriend others on social media. Social media is incredibly Narcissistic. We can create a profile and make ourselves whoever we want to be. No one will know who we really are. We won’t let them get that close to us, and they won’t even bother to try. There are apps that can help optimise who you follow and friend, and don’t follow and friend, and unfollow and unfriend, and who to completely block, so that you don’t have to make the effort because you’re too busy for that. Busy creating your image. Because you are going to be judged on that image and on those lists. You are also going to be judged by the difference in numbers in those lists. Your popularity or unpopularity shows others whether you are someone worth knowing or not. They don’t have time to get to know you, they are as busy as you are creating who they are for others to judge, so if others ‘Like’ you then they do too. Hopefully you will ‘Like’ them too, and that way those who ‘Like’ you will ‘Like’ them too. And so on.

In a Narcissistic society, it is the Narcissists who prosper. They are at home in this environment. The world makes sense to them, they embrace it and it embraces them. Those who are not Narcissists swirl around in the muddy waters of confusion, trying to make sense out of nonsense, trying to pretend they get it and are okay with it, wondering why they don’t and can’t. There must be something wrong with them, better hide it and keep quiet about it. There are also Narcissists who are not Narcissists at all, but who are pretending they are to fit in and belong, and hopefully prosper. To survive and thrive in a Narcissistic Society, you have to join in. Be one of them. Buy the popular mask of our times and wear it.

It’s not difficult to create an image, pick one, acquire the labels, play the part. There are lots of How To resources available to instruct you on how to be who others like and admire, how to make yourself into someone else, someone better than you are now. Who you are now is not quite good enough, but you should accept yourself as you are, self-acceptance is important and there are plenty of How To resources for learning to do that too, but first you have to admit that by not accepting yourself as you are makes you unacceptable. A typical Narcissistic contradiction which appears logical but is completely confusing.

Once you’ve created an image, you have to keep it going, make it consistent so that it is believable. Maintaining and improving the image requires more effort, and can sometimes be exhausting, it’s a 24/7 job which feels like it is a 48/8 job hence so much coffee drinking.

One of the things that our Narcissistic society has created is a deep sense of aloneness in each individual. When you are being judged by your image, your image becomes a prison for the being who lives behind it.   Other people like happy people. Successful and happy people. Beautiful, successful and happy people. Other people like beautiful, successful, happy people because no one feels truly beautiful, successful or happy, and they hope that by being with someone who projects that image convincingly it will somehow rub off on them.

Holding hands with that sense of being alone inside is the feeling of never quite being good enough. Just when you think you’ve got the formula right, have the perfect image and are playing by the rules, the rules change and the finish line moves a bit further away. The old version of perfect has been found to have flaws, but don’t worry, there is a new improved version of perfect to live up to. Just don’t question it, or the fact that the new version of perfect is the exact opposite of the old version of perfect and used to be considered extremely imperfect.

This divide between the outer image and the inner being creates a disconnect from others. The more we have ways to connect, the more separate we feel. Somehow the more connections we make, the more alone we feel. There must be something wrong with us. We have everything, but we feel as though we are nothing. Perhaps if we had more, we would finally be something.

When we have a dis-ease, we search for a cure. A magic potion which will make everything better. That magic potion often takes the form of love. If we could find love, be loved, then we would feel good about ourselves. Love will fill the void, the inner emptiness. Love will make us feel beautiful, successful and happy. Love will validate our existence, acknowledge us and make us feel self-worth. Love will connect us to the world around us.

The problem is that our concept of what love is has been fed to us by a Narcissistic society. It is an ideal. It is a story of two people meeting, connecting instantly and very deeply on every level of their being and living happily ever after.

Ideals are one dimensional. Reality is multidimensional. So yet again we are caught in a Narcissistic contradiction. Confusion ensues. We are told to have a dream, pursue it and make it real, but when a dream becomes real, reality often turns the dream into a nightmare. It is no longer beautiful because it has elements of ugliness, it is no longer successful because it has aspects of failure, and it is no longer happy because it has sadness within it. It’s not perfect, we feel slightly cheated and foolish, betrayed by someone, maybe ourselves, we don’t like feeling that way, it hurts, so we discard it. Discard the problem, and hopefully the pain will go with it. But the pain stays, so we search for a fix, a cure, a balm. A wand to make everything better, better than better.

There is an episode of Sex and the City, a show which is an excellent guide to Narcissism in Society and Narcissistic love, where Carrie Bradshaw falls out of love with a man because the engagement ring he bought her wasn’t the one she wanted. Her problem was that he should have known which ring to buy her, and the fact that he didn’t know and didn’t bother to find out, that he gave her a ring which meant something to him instead of giving her what she wanted, meant that he didn’t know her well enough for her to believe that he loved her. Her concept of love was about having, not about being. The ideal love crumbled over the shape of a diamond. Of course the writers of the show made excuses for her erratic, Narcissistic behaviour, and justified it as being the right thing to do. And she is just a fictional character… but how many people’s concept of love and relationship did that show influence?

There are a lot of Narcissists in the world today, and there are a lot of people who have been in a relationship with a Narcissist, who are trying to come to grips with what happened, why it happened and how to avoid having it happen again.

Narcissists are experts at embodying an ideal and making it seem real. For a Narcissist making others fall in love with them is the easiest thing in the world, sometimes too easy. They know how to be the ideal lover you are seeking. As long as you are looking for the ideal man or woman, your chances of falling for a Narcissist are high. If love for you is a cure for the emptiness within, that is exactly what the Narcissist is looking for, so they will be very attracted to you. They want to fill your emptiness with all the parts of themselves they do not want.

Why should you be thankful for having a relationship with a Narcissist? Because it can be a life-changing experience for the positive, once you wade through all the negative. Find the gift in the curse.

Part of the gift lies within the first phase of the relationship. All those wonderful things they tell you about yourself, the things which you long to hear. They are true. Narcissists are very good at spotting the value of another person, and they tell you exactly what you are worth. Remember the good things they told you about yourself and then learn to say those things to yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to say them to you. Learn to be your own lover and love yourself the way you long to be loved. Everything which they said to you and did to you after the wonderful things, after the honeymoon phase of love was over, is just a Narcissist being a Narcissist. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They always end up hating what they admire. And they always end up handing out poison apples once the mirror tells them that they are no longer the fairest of them all because you are.

The other part of the gift lies within the awful part of the relationship. The phase which comes after they know that they’ve got you and own you. When they start to dismantle you, your image, identity and your self-worth. When who you are is trampled on and destroyed, what is left of you? A raw and naked being who has come face to face with who they really are. Many people search for who they are all their lives and never find themselves because who you are is hidden underneath layers and layers of stuff, thought, feelings, memories, dreams,hopes, illusions, hang ups, personality traits and created versions of self. A Narcissist strips those layers away for you.

Once you’ve been stripped raw and naked by a Narcissist, there are two responses from which to choose. 1 – Try to quickly find some clothes and cover your shame and hurt. 2 – Embrace your raw nakedness and be proud of it. The second option will give you the kind of personal and primal power with which no other power can compare.

Your raw nakedness will also frighten Narcissists away because it is the one thing which they can never have or be. They don’t know how to deal with it.

So be thankful for your relationship with a Narcissist, their gift to you is to give you to yourself. They empower you. They not only show you how valuable, gifted and talented you are, they also give you the opportunity to meet your true self and see how powerful you are. It’s up to you what you do with this newfound power and knowledge. The power of choice is yours, always has been, but now you know it.


  1. […] Ideals are one dimensional. Reality is multidimensional. So yet again we are caught in a Narcissistic contradiction. Confusion ensues. We are told to have a dream, pursue it and make it real, but when a dream becomes real, reality often turns the dream into a nightmare. It is no longer beautiful because it has elements of ugliness, it is no longer successful because it has aspects of failure, and it is no longer happy because it has sadness within it. It’s not perfect, we feel slightly cheated and foolish, betrayed by someone, maybe ourselves, we don’t like feeling that way, it hurts, so we discard it. Discard the problem, and hopefully the pain will go with it. But the pain stays, so we search for a fix, a cure, a balm. A wand to make everything better, better than better. (from here:…)  […]


  2. My dad is narcissistic. I realized from a young age that he loved the idea of me more than the real me. This was not good enough for me. My mom and my brother still struggle with this issue, and I don’t know why they continue to try to please him.


    • I have wondered something similar many times. So much of human social interaction is about people agreeing or disagreeing on what reality is. When you get a group of people together who agree, like a family, they create an illusion which seems very real because they live it, and by living it, it becomes real.

      Which is why when you visit with someone else’s family when it is different from yours it’s a bit like crossing into an alternate reality.

      Any member can snap out of the illusion, which is what you did. But usually the person who snapped out of the illusion finds it difficult to convince the others that they are living in an illusion. They often become the one accused of living in an illusion, because majority rules reality.

      So maybe your brother and mom believe that pleasing your dad is reality, whereas you’ve realised that he will never be pleased because nothing and no one can live up to his idea of them, however he enjoys it when people try to please him because then he knows they love him.

      You’re a natural questioner of what people call reality, so you will always be able to see what others may miss seeing.


  3. Powerful words that brought tears before words could form. Now struggling to find a place for them to sit comfortably amongst the raw pain and current reality of illusion. I know there will be a silver lining even though all I see now is darkness.

    Thank you for having the courage to write and help others heal.


    • Thank you 😀

      Pain is your ally not your enemy, it is telling you that something is wrong and needs your attention, your TLC from you to you. Raw pain in particular is a powerful source of release and healing. And darkness helps you to find the light, see the silver lining only this silver lining won’t fade once you find it. It takes time, and can be a long journey, but each step is worth the time taken because it creates a solid foundation to build a solid structure upon it. Baby steps, gradually with determination. You’ll emerge, renewed and stronger and with greater knowledge of yourself and awareness of your personal power.

      Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and trust yourself.

      Writing has helped me to understand and heal and I recommend it, your own words telling your story can give you insights which change your life, and breaking your silence frees your self expression.


  4. I’m not feeling grateful or thankful tonight. I’m angry at the universe. I am literally angry at the universe. I didn’t deserve this narcissist in my life. How do you get past the injustice? How do you get past the unfairness?

    I’m a good person, and I’ve treated people well in my life. I’ve damaged nobody, not even close. And then I meet a narcissist with a history of preying on others sexually, who self-admittedly has hurt so many people. And I’m too naive and innocent to even notice what I’m dealing with, until the damage is long done.

    And I’m struggling with moving on. I’m struggling so much.

    Yet, the narcissist sails on without any loss. No repercussions for fucking with my head. Not a single one. The narcissist wreaked havoc, ripped my mind to shreds and gets away unscathed. Not a single loss. Not one.

    I know what I’m going to write will sound dramatic… there are details I’m not comfortable sharing…but this experience really was the worst thing that could happen to me. As one friend said to me “this was your Achilles Heal”. If the Universe could have “custom-made” the worst, hardest, most unfair, most humiliating experience, specifically designed for me…. THIS was it.

    Where is the justice? How do you accept the injustice?


    • The rage and anger is an important part of healing from a relationship with a narcissist, and the way to move through it is to get into it, feel it, all of it, and find a way to constructively express it. Acknowledge it and validate it. It needs cathartic purging or you’ll get stuck in a loop. Stuck in the rage. Venting is a healthy and necessary part of the recovery process.

      Like this –

      The narcissist does not sail on without any loss. They do what they do because they have incurred a huge loss, they are repeating the pattern of their own wounding, they dump onto and into others what is inside of them in an attempt to heal it by getting rid of it and giving it to someone else. They are full of fear and rage and stuck in it with no way out of it. They try to escape themselves through their relationships with others. But it is all about them and never about the other person so they just keep meeting their own shadows. The other person always ends up becoming the shadow of the narcissist to the narcissist. So they move on and reset themselves, start all over again. Rewind, reset, press play and repeat. They’re their own worst nightmare, they can’t get out of the nightmare…BUT we can.

      Yes they leave us with what their nightmare has done to us, but we can sort through it, and by sorting through it we emerge from it stronger, wiser and with a deeper and greater understanding of ourselves. The struggle you are having is a valuable experience, I know it doesn’t feel or seem that way, but it is.

      Look at Kim – – she is using her experience of a relationship with a narcissist to inspire her life and the lives of others who have had similar experiences. She discusses some of the benefits, the gifts in the curse, a victim of a narcissist can find from the relationship –

      I don’t think you’re being dramatic, a relationship with a narcissist is dramatic, they are dramatic, the drama, the intense highs and lows, are an intrinsic part of the experience. It always feels like the worst, but there is a flip side to everything, and the worst experience also contains the best within it, finding it is a hard challenge but worth taking it on.

      Growing up as I did with narcissists as parents, and attracting other narcissists because I was trained to be a source of supply for them, and because I was programmed to be attracted to them too as our relationship with our parents tends to set the course for our other relationships… I have often been in very dark places of thought and feeling, of being, sometimes believing that life had it in for me, that good things only happened to other people and the bad things was my territory.

      At one very low point, when I was into reincarnation theories, I decided that this life was payback, karma, for what I’d done in a previous life, no idea what that past life was or what I’d done in it but I figured this concept explained the pain of my present life – it was bad karma which I had accumulated and I had to deal with it, work through it, take it on the chin, balance my karma and pay my karmic debt. Whether any of that is true or not doesn’t matter, thinking that way helped to pull me out of my own private hell. It shifted my perspective, and that’s what I use to make sense of life and the experiences which it brings – perspective, shifting it, seeing something from as many different angles as possible to get a more complete picture and achieve some sort of understanding.

      I’ve always had narcissists in my life, with all their drama, their dumping of chaos, confusion and wounding, so I do not have a way of knowing – other than through imagining it – what it feels like to have a good narcissist-free life and then suddenly have a narcissist turn up and turn the good into hell on earth. I do think that having a good life as the norm means that when a narcissist enters your life and turns it inside out and upside down and causes havoc, it is much more traumatic and the trauma is harder to work through.

      For me the hell on earth of a narcissist is the norm, and the good experiences are the sudden surprising bits. And when good stuff happens one of the narcissists in my life tries to steal it because they want the feeling for themselves. So I’ve worked my psychological butt off to turn the bad into good, see the light in the dark, then I get a better ratio of good over all the bad, and it has helped to deal more logically with the bad.

      So, as far as justice/injustice, fair/unfair… I see them as being two halves of a whole which are intertwined, each side containing some of the other side, and you can’t have one without the other. Life tends to balance things out and expect you to do some of the work on balancing the two sides. That’s just the way I see it based on my own experiences and how I have chosen to deal with those experiences and how they affect me.

      I’ve found that astrology is a useful tool for figuring out the purpose of experiences and how to work through them and work them out. I can even see why I attract narcissists in my chart. It gives another perspective which can change and alter the situation.

      You’re very intelligent, trust yourself 🙂


      • Thanks, Ursula. I just get so angry sometimes. I mean, my “version” of angry. You know the deal, being raised by narcissist parents. My version of angry is probably most other people’s version of slightly perturbed, at least on the outside. But, inside? I want to scream out loud.

        I just don’t understand how these people can use others. I could never knowingly, intentionally use a human being for my own selfish reasons, knowing full-well I’d be harming them. I don’t understand no empathy, no conscience. But then, the mental machinations of malignant narcissists is a world unto itself. To unknow.

        I keep telling myself that I’ll never understand. It’s like I live on earth (well, I do), and she lives on Neptune. And I’ve learned about Neptune. I know it’s cold, and the gravity is different and all that. BUT as much as I try to understand what it’s really, really like to live on Neptune, I just never will.

        That’s how NPD “feels” to me. I grab a piece of it, in my mind. And I get it! And I feel relief. Ah, that’s what like, I say to myself. Now, I get it. Now, I understand. BUT, I can’t “hold it”. As soon as I think I understand a piece of it, it just floats away. It’s like mist. It’s like living on Neptune. I can imagine what it’s like, but it’s not the same.

        We are not like them. We just aren’t. And you know the truth of it? We don’t all have to be like each other. At the end of the day, if someone is without empathy and conscience, for whatever reasons, so be it. Really, there’s nothing wrong with living on Neptune


        It’s the pretending I cannot stand. It’s pretending to be someone you are not that is horrific to me. It’s the knowing you are pretending. It’s the tricking.

        I know I can use this experience to be more grateful for all the good, decent people in my life. And to be proud of myself. Even with parents with such dysfunction, I turned out to be a good, kind person. BUT there are times all I can feel and see is the “wrongness” of their hiding. I guess it’s that age-old feeling of being had.

        Thank you for letting me vent.


        • Is it normal? To feel like you hate them one day, and feel compassion for them the next? I swing from missing her to hating her to feeling sorry for her. Does that end? Do you get to the point where your feelings stabilize?


          • I have asked myself this exact same question so many times!!!
            I am wondering if the looking for the “understanding” (which brings on compassion) is a habit from childhood; it’s what had to be done in the mind of a child to survive being raised by narc parents. As children the thought of hating the people whom we depended upon was unthinkable if not impossible. And then there is the guilt for feeling anger even when our rational mind KNOWS we have every right to feel angry at the narcs behavior. We can KNOW something (intellectual brain) but not FEEL it. Maybe this is due to being brought up with the painful examples of love that we had? (Just a thought).

            What’s interesting is that we are very willing to extend understanding and compassion to someone else…so why is it so difficult to give those things to ourselves? I have to wonder if this is something the narc senses in us and one of the things they seek in partners…


            • Thank you, kreativkell. It is good to speak with you.

              I think you are correct about our responses being tied to our childhoods. We adapted to narcissist parents out of absolute necessity. I’m not one to compliment myself (duh, raised by narcissists), but I’ve got adaptation skills that would rival the best. I think we all do, the children of narcissists. We adapted by shutting down our feelings and keeping our mouths closed. We adapted by living in our minds. And we adapted by blaming ourselves for our parents incapacity or unwillingness to bond with us. They were absent on the job. In my little girl’s mind, I misinterpreted the situation. I thought my parents were a reflection of me. I took on the belief that I was not lovable. If my own parents couldn’t love me, who could? I just didn’t know at the time that it hadn’t nothing to do with me. I made decisions in my adult life based on that faulty belief.

              I think we became so uncomfortable inside ourselves, due to the pain of perceived rejection, of aloneness, that we turned our focus and energy towards others. Think about it. If we weren’t lovable, then we couldn’t love ourselves. And if we couldn’t love ourselves, then we’d get others to love us. We’d be so good, so kind, so giving, so selfless…how could they not? In the hands of a good person, this wound is handled with care. In the hands of a bad person, it’s used.

              So, we responded to our childhood trauma by becoming the ultimate givers, the picture of selflessness, the people-pleasers, the compliant. Narcissists see this in us, the desire to please. They are drawn to us, like moth to a flame. The narcissist used to say to me “You want to please me”. And I did. It was out of love, but looking back, it was desperation too. I sought validation in her. Mine knew about my childhood. She was familiar with the dynamic. She knew exactly what was going on, even though I did not. She’d say “this, this thing between us, it’s familiar because of your childhood”. I might have run screaming in the other direction, but I trusted her implicitly. And quite honestly, I just did not know.

              Now that I’m learned up, I believe that narcissists are both consciously and unconsciously drawn to us. We are their ‘type’. We are the yin to their yang. I think it’s a familiarity that draws us together- on both sides of the equation. We are both lacking in self. We both seek validation from the external. Ironic, isn’t it? This person who hurt us so? Our essential life-challenge, the discovery and care of the self, is the same. It just manifests differently. We will hurt ourselves, sacrifice ourselves for someone else’s well-being. And they will hurt others, sacrifice others for their own well-being. Yet, still at its core, where is the self? For both of us, where is the respect and honor of the self?

              Ah, the irony. It’s a bitch.

              But here’s where it all gets interesting…

              Here are my thoughts in the early morning, pre-dawn hours of today…What if we could use this recent experience with a narcissist to undo the original faulty belief? The one from our parents? What if we could actually undo it, wipe it away? Think about it. We’re lost in pain, and sorrow, and grief, and anger, and resentment, and fear, and outrage, because someone we loved used us. And don’t forget, that original wound is still with us. We’re grieving multiple people, not just the recent. Still, we met this narcissist, this charmer, this brilliant actor, and we thought we were being told we were lovable. The little child inside of us responded with “what? I am? I’m really lovable?”. It was the dream, although not the one we thought at the time. It was our childhood dream, to be recognized, to be seen and loved. And the little child in us, fearful at first, cautious, because certainly this is too good to be true, said “yes! yes! I will believe it. I am lovable. I am. I really am. I will believe this thing”. And then the narcissist ripped that thought right out of our hands and hearts and minds. And THAT is the trauma. THAT is the cruelty.

              It’s the trauma of having of our deepest, most private, most desired wish of all wishes come true, a dream we’ve had our whole lives and not even known it….and then to have it ripped away. And that is why we struggle for understanding, because we’re trying to come to terms with a cruelty that shocks us to our core. But, I’ve been a good person, I say. But, I’ve treated others with care and respect, I say. But, the universe could not intend me this harm, I say?

              BUT here’s where it all gets even more interesting….

              What is the universe could be presenting us with exactly what we need to heal our original wound? What if these two events could be interconnected- the experience of our narcissist parents and the experience of our narcissist lovers. And not in a dishonest, wishful-thinking, positive psychobabble way… but in a real, true, deep-down way? in the core of our being-way? with our true, unadulterated, raw, real selves becoming all that we are and all that we present to the world? with a new-found love for ourselves that is utterly non-reliant on anyone loving us back?

              Doesn’t that sound like freedom? to live that way?

              THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DECIDED: This second narcissist will teach me I am lovable, infinitely lovable. I can feel it coming, that belief. I am chipping away at it. I will not have this second round of narcissism act as some kind of cosmic confirmation for what the other narcissist started. It will end here. It stops now.

              THIS IS WHAT IS TRUE: We don’t need someone else, anyone else, narcissist or not, to affirm our lovability. It is our birthright, as human beings on the planet earth. We don’t need to win it, or earn it or please our way to it.

              Don’t you want to be free? I do.


              • Hi Me/Hope,
                Yes, yes and yes! I cried reading your words because they are the truth.
                Yes, the irony is a bitch.
                Yes, we were the yin to their yang.
                And yes…we were given exactly what we needed in order to heal the self deep down.

                On the good days/hours I am beyond determined to learn from this experience and heal the deep wounds…to emerge stronger, more aware and yet not hardened to the beauty of love. It’s during those other hours/days that I struggle…those hours/days when I can’t get out of my head because I am either trying to accept that it was all an illusion, or wondering what he is doing or simply grieving the loss of myself.
                I am so grateful for the moments/hours that I feel free and more like myself again; I hope you are experiencing the same.
                Moments can gain momentum…

                “The cure for pain is in the pain.”
                ― Rumi


                • Accepting the illusion is hard. Brutal.

                  I remind myself that she connected with me as much as she was capable at that time. There were true moments. They were in the beginning, when she didn’t yet need to dominate and “be better than” me, before the ugly side of her disorder kicked in. Just as Ursula has said, the early time is real. It’s in the beginning when they see us as we are, in all our genuine glory with all our beauty and strength. The admiration of us, the joy they feel with us in the beginning IS real. It’s probably the realest thing they can experience. It just can’t last, because of the disorder. They have to turn to the other side. It’s the essence of their pathology.

                  There’s nothing wrong with feeling good and glad for that beginning part. For some time, I was afraid to remember that part. Terrified, actually. I was afraid I couldn’t handle the pain of the loss of it. And I was afraid that, if I let myself feel grateful for the true, real early part, I would run back to her. Or I’d just be in pain forever.

                  But we can be grateful for the good part, the early part…and know that this person has no place in our lives. It is good that they leave us, or we leave them. We cannot be with them, and also be true to ourselves. Ultimately, we are deeply, truly incompatible to them.

                  Here’s imagery I use. It’s all a mural. She’s a mural to me. He is a mural to you. In the museum of your life, you will have many, many murals that represent all the people and experiences from the beginning of your life to the end. Each person. Each place. Well, your narcissist is a mural on that wall also. And it’s like a Picasso. His Cubism. A collage of odd shapes and images. In my mural of her, there are stunningly, beautiful shapes, and also ugly, distorted shapes. But, taken as a whole, it is something lovely. It’s far, far different than my other murals. But, her mural has its place there too.

                  Just remember, he is only one mural in the museum of your life.


              • Hi there Me,
                just wanted to tell you I have been reading your comment several times and it really moved me, it touches me heart and I feel you express it with such sublety and accuracy, it has inspired me to have new questions for my analysis to go further and understand what i have gone through.
                “We’re grieving multiple people, not just the recent”, this is a true and painful insight, it deserves all our attention indeed.
                “this is too good to be true, said “yes! yes! I will believe it. I am lovable. I am. I really am. I will believe this thing”. And then the narcissist ripped that thought right out of our hands and hearts and minds. And THAT is the trauma. THAT is the cruelty”.Our childhood dream.
                Wishing you the best and thank you so very much, you helped me.


                • Wishing you the best also! Thank you for the appreciation. Participating in Ursula’s community is making all the difference for me!!! It is a community, and we’re helping each other through our pain. It’s a beautiful thing, not feeling alone in it.


          • Yes, it is completely natural and normal, it comes with the territory. Let the swings happen, be aware and conscious of them, and they will gradually even out and won’t be so dramatic, and one day you’ll find the sweet spot of balance and understanding.


        • My earlier posts on NPD and my parents, and a friend whom I had recently realised was probably a narcissist (who in some ways inspired me to write about my experiences as a negative muse) were fueled by passionate venting. I’ve mellowed and it is thanks to the venting. Getting it out into the open and out of being stuck in my system going around and around inside with no outlet, has been cathartic and has helped to clarify confusion.

          I recommend writing your story out, it helps to see it in physical form, and writing about it allows your own vision and wisdom to surface and be seen and heard. This can be done privately. I do it publicly because that’s a challenge to myself, but there is a lot which I keep for my eyes only.

          To understand the point of view of someone with NPD takes detachment and mental dexterity. The main reason to do it is to get clarity which can answer questions that may linger within you and drive you bonkers. The why’s and how’s and how come’s. Those with NPD can’t be figured out when approached from a non-NPD mind because NPD is illogical, and the non-NPD mind is logical. So, yes they seem as though they are from Neptune.

          Actually it’s an appropriate planet where NPD is concerned. Isn’t Neptune the planet where it rains diamonds? Anyway, astrologically Neptune symbolises dreams and illusions, and is also connected to deception and delusions.

          Some narcissists are completely oblivious that what they’re doing is manipulative. They do not perceive themselves as using people. Quite a few think it is others who are using them. That they are the good guy and everyone else is bad. For this kind of narcissist, the pretending is real and they do not perceive it as pretending.

          Other narcissists are more deliberate in their manipulations and do it very consciously, but even they can only see it from their perspective which is warped and skewed. They think everyone thinks like they do and behaves as they do, thus they believe that everyone uses everyone, and they want to be ahead of the game, get in first and do to others before others do it to them. For this kind of narcissist the pretending is all part of the game, they think others are pretending too, and their goal is to be the best pretender.

          They have a particular view of reality and it is different from the reality of those who do not have NPD and never the twain shall meet. You either buy into their version of reality or… there is no other option. Their version of reality is the only reality.

          So, the things which you need to retain about NPD are only those which help you to heal, recover from the relationship, and move on from it, stronger, wiser, and more aware of what a great human being you are. It’s in many ways a lesson in self-appreciation. Your anger at the injustice shows you your own values and how important they are to you, it shows you your own value and worth, makes you aware of it and what it means to you. And it does help to show you that those who have similar values to you are people to cherish and appreciate 🙂


          • Thank you, Ursula. I cannot tell you how much your posts help me. I love the Neptune info. It’s totally relevant to narcissists, a planet for illusions and delusions. As with Pluto in an earlier post, I seem to pick the correct planet for the context, even though I know jack about the planets’ astrological symbols. Maybe the universe is telling me something!!

            I just ordered my birth certificate- the long version which I don’t own. I don’t know my hour of birth, and I want to learn about my astrological chart. It will be interesting and exciting to study, I think. Yay!


          • You are so right Ursula…there is something about letting the words spill out onto the page/screen that is very helpful to the healing process. I write many times without picking my pen up from the page, allowing one word to simply merge into the other without care or worry of punctuation or grammar. Thank you for your insight, thoughts and responses; your words make a difference in people’s lives.


            • Thank you for sharing, you words expressed are beautiful, a clear voice speaking your truth and letting others hear it, and your story is of great value. Our life sometimes just needs to flow without filters or restriction, like blood through our veins, ink from our fingers, then we can feel its energy and so can others. 🙂


    • Hi Hope, my heart goes out to you. Experiencing the hurtful actions and betrayal from a narcissist is the deepest kind of wound; a loss of innocence. There is no justice and many times, no explanation to the many times we will ask “why…?” I don’t know that one will ever be quite the same after such a painful experience; and this can feel overwhelming to accept at the moment.

      I am just a few months out from the betrayal from a Narc and still find myself riding a roller coaster of emotions from anger to despair to emptiness each and every day. The early days I literally had to just focus on getting through one hour at a time; sometimes I found I just had to breathe through it. The emotional pain was so intense, it surfaced as physical pain; my body just ached.
      I honestly don’t know that there will be any justice. I think it’s a risk one takes to love. I am trying to focus on learning about myself and the reasons I let someone like him into my life and lessons i can take away from the experience. I wish I had words which could help with your pain and questioning…just please know you are not as alone as you may feel. There are many others out here, so please keep communicating!


      • Thank you, kreativkell. I think it does help to know we are not alone. I don’t wish this experience on anyone, but I’m glad to know there are others who understand. It’s the kind of thing people can’t understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves. And thank you for validating my desire for justice. I’m not an angry, resentful person, but this has truly tested everything I know and believe about myself. I never thought it possible I could want suffering to come to another human being, but there are times I ask “where the hell is karma!!?”. I don’t like those moments. I don’t like seeing that side of myself, but I’m trying hard to embrace it. We deserve to be angry and resentful in the face of harm. It is right.

        My heart goes out to you also. You are correct to focus on yourself. It really is the key to leaving this experience behind us. It’s the key to everything. Ursula always writes ‘take care of yourself’. It is the way out.

        Please keep writing also.


  5. I have read a lot about the subject. This is the best article so far! All others are so negative and hateful against the narcissist, they just cover their shame, as you pointed very well. Thank you so much for the positive view!


    • Thank you 🙂

      I think that some of the negativity and hate is due to releasing pent up frustration and anger, which is a necessary step in healing from having been in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists try to control others, and one of the ways they do this is through censorship. If you spend enough time in the company of a narcissist you end up trapped in silence, but that silence is full of all the things which can’t be said or expressed. So when someone is released form the control and censorship of the narcissist, when they break their silence, it’s like breaking a dam and all these words, feelings, emotions which have been trapped come flooding out. It can feel like a primal scream. The victim of the narcissist suddenly feels a surge of power after a long time of having felt powerless.

      And this can lead to the victim becoming a victimiser of the person who victimised them. To a degree this is actually healthy, especially if the victim has been afraid of the narcissist, as it is a shift in the power dynamics of the relationship. The victim sees that they no longer have to be a victim, that they have strength, they have power, they have the ability to fight back and stand up for themselves.

      A certain amount of narcissist-bashing is going to happen. It’s part of the process. It helps to recover the damaged self-esteem. The important thing is not to get stuck there, not to get entrenched in the hate and rage towards the narcissist. It can be addictive, and can turn into a strange type of activism against all narcissists.

      I think some people may feel that they only have two choices – be angry at the narcissist or forgive them and forget what they did to you. That’s not much of a choice.

      The trickiest part of recovering from having been in a relationship with a narcissist is coming to grips with the part that we played in the dynamic. Facing our own portion of the blame, being responsible and accountable for our own actions and their consequences – without turning the blame into self-shaming. This is made harder due to the fact that most narcissists blame their victim for what they do to them, the narcissist is never responsible or accountable for their actions and the consequences of them, it’s always someone else’s fault.

      Many people shoulder the blame for everything that the narcissist does to them and make excuses for the narcissist, exonerating them… until they stop doing that, and in returning the blame which belongs to the narcissist to them, they can at times end up doing to the narcissist what the narcissist did to them. Everything becomes the narcissist’s fault. Which is fine for a while, but if we want to move on from the narcissist and not stay stuck in their version of reality we have to stop giving them so much power over us – and blaming them for everything gives them power over us. Hating them also gives them power over us – as they often equate our hate with admiration, attention, passion, love, proof of their superiority, of their power. Some narcissists actually enjoy the idea that they are a super villain, and our hate for them they see as being fearful respect.

      I think also that some people feel that it was their positivity, their optimism, and their love which got them caught in the web of a narcissist, so they go to the opposite extreme to protect themselves. There is a certain logic to it, sometimes the way we learn is by shifting from one extreme to another until we find the sweet spot in the middle.

      We’re all very complex beings, figuring ourselves out, trying to make sense of our experiences and how they affect us can be like putting together a puzzle for which we have no picture. We’re sometimes very hard on ourselves, pushing ourselves to live up to our ideals, and picking on ourselves for not achieving them. When we’re hard on ourselves we tend to be hard on others, when we expect ourselves to be perfect we expect others to be perfect or we see them as being perfect and get angry at ourselves for not being like them, when we’re angry at ourselves we get angry at others, especially if we give to them what we don’t give to ourselves and they don’t appreciate it but instead abuse it. Learning to be gentle and compassionate towards ourselves, to cut ourselves slack, let mistakes happen and love ourselves no matter what… can be a challenge but one worth taking on. Being human is a beautiful mess 🙂

      This is an interesting perspective –


  6. Yep, spot on. I was looking for the “cure and fill the emptiness” – matched and mirrored once again by a narcissist. I definitely don’t feel powerful thought, just drowning in the “muddy waters of confusion.” Where the fack is the life jacket!


  7. So nice to hear such positive. Too oftrn i hear people spitting fires of malicr and wrath and we all go through that stage..but as someone who has had a hard time truely feeling my emotins…my experience opened me up to love. I am apart from them, but i cried for them today..not because i wanted to be the one to heal their hurt or that they hirt me..just their pain and it being their pain alone. I got very close, they were slightly more self aware, self depreciating and afraid. I will never forget that sad scared look in their eyes. Truely heart breaking, I really wish i xould have stayed, but it was too painful. After all of the analyzing and journaling and beating myself up that i did. Thinking maybe i was narcisistic and maybe codependent..but under all else, thr emotion i discovered was love. The love that makes you want to inspire growth in a person and happiness and hopefully be there with them to experience it. I didnt get to do that, but i found love, i found anger, i found a way to connect better with myself and eith manifest and set boundaries. What pain…never in all of my life experiences had i experienced pain like this…but it was worth it..funny, all that time i thought i was saving him when really, he was delivering me from our shared darknesses.


    • Thank you very much 🙂

      Yes, there are many phases we go through, recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is similar to the 5 stages of grief. The anger phase is a necessary and important phase to go through, it’s also rather easy to get stuck there, especially if the relationship with the narcissist has been a long one and rage has been suppressed for an excruciating amount of time. The anger phase is complex as it has so many different things going on within it, so it often takes longer to pass through it than other phases.

      Anger is also quite a useful emotion in its basic form, its natural purpose is protective. Sometimes we need to stay angry to stop ourselves from going back to a narcissist, and letting them do to us what they’ve always done to us. Keeping the anger fresh stops us from doing that thing which most humans do, which is try to work things out, make amends, forgive and forget – this is healthy when dealing with non-narcissists, but when dealing with a narcissist it becomes an unhealthy approach. Our humanity gets used as a weapon against us by narcissists.

      The malice and wrath that you see people express, especially online, can be disturbing and triggering, however, it has to be considered in context. People may be using the internet as a place to vent and rant, as a therapeutic and cathartic tool. They may not be able to do that anywhere else in their life, so the online community becomes their safe place to let it all out.

      Something else to consider is that some victims of narcissists may be narcissists themselves (and their ‘narcissist’ may not be a narcissist, although narcissists do end up in relationships with other narcissists). Since narcissists tend to feel rage and hate as a strong and dominant emotion, when they’re given the opportunity to indulge it, they go overboard as they always do.

      Thank you for sharing your experience and journey to healing, it’s important to let people know that there is love after the anger. When we experience the kind of pain which wipes all other feeling away, when we lose our ability to know any other emotion but hurt and anger, we may fear that we’ve lost the ability to love. The darkness can be so overwhelming, it helps to know that there is light at the end of such a dark and frightening tunnel.

      Take good care of yourself, and keep doing what you are doing your inner dark is a beautiful contrast to your inner light.


  8. Perfect article .spot on . I understood myself. .my true raw naked self. I understood wat is important in a relationship. .thanks


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