“Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…”
I was going to write this post before I saw today’s Daily Post prompt – What’s Your Learning Style. The prompt sort of connected with the thought which inspired this post. That thought was a tangent of a tangent of a tangent of a reply to a comment which I wrote very quickly just before my internet connection failed…
And then I spent the evening wondering if I had replied correctly because I’d done it in a hurry, wanting to reply so the person who commented didn’t feel ignored (I worry about that) and I hadn’t had time to do my usual checks. And then it was gone and I couldn’t ungone it because I couldn’t connect and check. The correct reply issue was not about what I had said, I was just being myself as is my want, it was that I wasn’t sure which post the comment had been about. I thought I knew which post it was on, but then I doubted that… usually I check and double check and triple check just to be sure so I can stay on topic… I thought I knew, but then I wondered. And I worried that I might have confused them.
It’s just me being me.
I have dyslexia. I’ve always known that I have it, it just took me a long time to look it up and find out what it is. If that doesn’t make sense to you… It makes sense to me. In fact the things which make sense to me usually sound like complete gibberish to others, but what makes sense to others often sounds like white noise to me. Welcome to my mind.
Chaos and confusion are my home. I can navigate them easily. I can also easily travel in and out of darkness and despair. No problem and no worries. Give me a Gordian Knot and I can unravel it. Give me something simple, simple by society’s standards, and I’ll stare at it for hours and not understand it at all.
When I’m tired, my dyslexia kicks into overdrive. This can have hilarious results. Well, I find it funny… other people, that’s up to them. I try not to confuse or harm others by confusing them, but sometimes it just can’t be avoided. When it happens I need to detach and trust that people are looking after themselves. They’ll let me know if they don’t understand me. They’ll express themselves. I have to trust that they will do and say what they need to do and say… I don’t need to cover all bases and think several moves ahead all of the time.
When I was too young to understand what was going on, I was made responsible for things which were not my responsibility. Just like with any habit or addiction, I have to deal with the repercussions of this on a day to day basis. I have to remind myself that I am only responsible for myself, and that others are responsible for themselves. Live and let live. And hope that others feel this way too. That they accept responsibility for themselves and don’t want me to take that responsibility on because they don’t want it. I don’t want it either. Meaning I don’t want to take on what is theirs, I do want what is mine and will not give them what is my responsibility.
You’re human… and so am I. Please don’t forget that part. Expecting me to be less or more than human… will lead to disappointment.
I’ve taught myself to have that shrugging whatever attitude, laissez faire, laissez aller, because otherwise I get so wound up it hurts on a visceral level.
One of the things those with dyslexia do is worry a lot about is being misunderstood, because misunderstandings are a part of the gift… yes, gift (thank you for making me see that – Gift of Dyslexia)… of having my brain wired this way.
I could go on and on about dyslexia trying to explain it to you – you being those who don’t have it and don’t get it and think that it makes people stupid because they jumble up words and numbers – but if you don’t have it, you don’t care about understanding it, and even if you do care, you just can’t because your brain is not wired for such things.
That sounded a bit arrogant and perhaps insulting. Never mind, you’ll recover. It’s just a tiny dent in the carapace of your ego, it’ll undent itself naturally as long as you don’t pick up a giant nail and hammer it, then blame me for the damage you inflicted. Just consider me to be an asshole and ignore me. Works every time.
So. Last night as I was waiting for my bath tub to fill up enough for me to have that bath I needed because I was very stinky and even I couldn’t stand the smell, I curled up into a ball beside the tub, listened to the sound of water slowly flowing, something which I loved to do as a child and which used to raise the hairs up on the back of my neck in a pleasurable way, a moment of pleasure in a painful world, and I had one of those moments where I wanted to die. It happens. It passes. I was very tired. And my life, all of it from there, way back there, to now just seemed a series of messes. I was very tired. It happens.
“Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you…”
And what also happens when I’m in one of those moods and places, which is not prompted by any events or people in my actual life here and now, but just darkness rising from the depths of the void within, an ancient darkness, is that my mind distracts me and reminds me of other things.
This song – Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – began to play on repeat. Love that whistle! And it cheered me up, reminded me that I am very bouncy when it comes to life and its challenges. I can go as high as I go low, and I can do them both at the same time to balance me out.
Eric Idle – Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python’s Life of Brian)
The biggest and bestest influence in my life is Monty Python. I said that in the reply which I had been fussing in my mind about. I wear Monty Python spectacles when I look at life. I have a sketch for every situation!
I grew up watching the Monty Python show on TV and I saw all of their films. I even saw one which I was not supposed to see because I was too young to see it, but I saw it anyway and loved it. I wasn’t supposed to see it at that age because of swearing and nudity. By that age I’d already heard that kind of swearing and seen nudity both male and female, those bits did not bother me or warp my young mind. My young mind was already warped and I was already bothered. What stood out and what hit me hard was the humour. Learning to laugh at life and the absurdity of it. That was priceless.
My learning style is to just stumble through life and all of its lessons. Make mistakes, shrug and sigh when I’m wrong, which is often, gasp and whoop when I’m right, which is amazing, and just keep going. It’ll all work out in the end and if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t but the journey has been both emotional and interesting. I’m just a philosopher of crazy wisdom… which may not be wise at all, but it’s funny. And laughing is fun!
All of my life… it’s just me being me. That’s that. To be continued…
This quote from the Life of Brian made me chuckle in a very indecent manner:
“Brian’s mother: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Brian’s mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
Brian’s mother: And that’s Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3: No, no, that’s just him.
Brian’s mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there’d be a lot of them.”
Very silly! I’m a Capricorn…
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean (Eric Idle does).