I hope you don’t mind but I just can’t do you this year. I’m not in the zone.
When I hear people talk about the Spirit of Christmas, the gift giving extravaganza, the giving and endless giving, and the good cheer… I sigh heavily inside, plaster a smile on my face and agree with them about how wonderful it all is. And yes, I say, I’m doing it too, and it’s exhausting to do it but we do it because it’s so joyful. Yay! Groaning inside, laughing on the outside.
I know it’s fake, but sometimes you just have to fake it so as not to upset others and be labeled a Grinch who stole Christmas from others.
In other words, I don’t want to hear what’s wrong with my attitude according to others. I’ve had more of that than I can take this year. I’ve had so much of that over the course of my life, I’ve stopped listening, but I can still hear it. My experience has taught me that sometimes you have to shut up about your truth and lie… just to stop others from sharing their version of truth with you. Their version which denies you a right to your version as only their version matters. It does to them. Just as your version matters to you. They just don’t accept that alternate realities can exist in tandem. Their truth does not allow for such things. But yours does.
So, I say to them… Yeah, yeah, you’re right, now go away please, and thank you.
So, I’m pretending that I’m doing Christmas and the spirit of it, but I’m not.
I don’t want to be a killjoy. That’s not my goal. Please, other people, be merry, be happy, it’s lovely when you are because life… you know… and seeing you be happy is my idea of a great gift. Just please don’t expect me to join in. Live and let live. Force me to join in because your happiness depends on my sharing it (in other words I have to be happy for you to be happy) and your idea of happiness becomes my unhappiness.
There are boundaries, please keep off my grass. I’m not stomping on yours turning it into mud, don’t stomp on mine. Don’t want me to kill your joy, then don’t try to kill mine. My joy right now is in not doing what I have no energy left to do. I don’t need you to join me. Please don’t.
See… live and let live. You do your version of Christmas, and I’ll do mine. The two can exist in tandem and do not cancel each other out.
I did Christmas last year and was totally in the zone. I’m taking this year off. End of.
This year has been very grueling and I’ve used up all my resources, inner and outer, to plod relentlessly through it. The issues which have been raised, have been transformative on so many levels and I have had no time to relax and process them. I’m numbed out. My mind is closed for the holidays, and so is the rest of me.
With my internet connection being increasingly erratic – I know why but it can’t be fixed at the moment – and my energy levels waning, I see a need to retreat and recuperate. The universe is saying – go within. My personal astrology agrees, and even if it didn’t… sometimes you just have to shut everyone and everything else out and listen to yourself.
I’m living up to my nickname and crawling into a cave to hibernate for Winter.
Trust me on this and let me sleep through Christmas. If you let me do that, then I’ll get the deep levels of rest which I need and when I wake up I’ll be energised and ready to share with you the benefits of it. If you don’t let me sleep… sharp teeth bared and thumping paws with claws is likely to be a result of the consequences of your actions going against the non-action I need.
I am a civilised being on the outside, but inside I’m a feral beast. When I’m tired, the civilised skin just falls off and the feral beast is revealed. It’s quite docile, and at times can be cute and cuddly, it knows how to sheathe its claws and not use teeth… but it is feral and wild at heart.
So be respectful and you will have that respect returned with interest, as respect is something I value highly as a great treasure and gift.
Immaterial gifts are my favourite kind.
Be disrespectful… and there are no guarantees what you’ll get in return.
I am very tired, it is a deep primordial exhaustion (not really, but it feels that way)… so please be aware of that when reading my words.
On a lighter note…
Have a wonderful Christmas season, whether you celebrate Christmas or something else or nothing at all! Give yourself a gift too for surviving another year as a human on a very human Earth. When spreading love and good cheer, keep some for yourself, you’re worth it and deserve it!
Please note – I will probably keep blogging throughout the holidays, just irregularly. I will reply to all comments eventually, I am not ignoring you, your words and sharing them with me mean a lot to me, more than I can ever express. I never expected my blog to get any attention, so… I am deeply touched. Do not underestimate the important part you have had in my life this year, you are precious to me.
Take care of yourselves.