Something Wicked… yet Not so Wicked

Wicked Dames by Vlad Voloshin

Wicked Dames by Vlad Voloshin

I absolutely bow down in rapt admiration of Vlad Voloshin‘s photographic genius! I’m a fan of Film Noir, and his work takes the beauty of it and does something a little bit extra and so deliciously and beautifully wicked with it. Why is this with this post? Why not!

The Daily Post’s daily prompt today asks:

What is your least favorite personal quality in others? Extra points for sharing your least favorite personal quality in yourself.

I’m not going for the extra points because… well, since I was born I was trained to hate everything about myself, and somehow, to survive, I learned to secretly love the things I was supposed to hate… and the few things I was allowed to love, by love I mean encouraged to develop until they were completely unbalanced traits… such as caring about others, which became putting everyone’s needs before my own… well, I grew to not love them. And thus I became a very contrary person.

In other people… experience has taught me that those who appear to be outwardly mean are often some of the kindest people you will ever meet, and those who appear to be outwardly kind are some of the meanest people you will ever find. Not a rule, just an occasional thing that seems to happen.

I wrote a rant-style post about those outwardly nice people based on an incident which happened to me a while ago – Toxic Niceness. Since I attract Narcissists, this is the usual, played on repeat. I’m stubborn so it takes a while for things to sink in and for me to process them. Narcissists often appear to be an ideal person when you first meet them. And if anyone can kill with kindness, they can. Toxic kindness.

Many years ago I, when I was in my early teens, I met a guy while I was on holiday, it was not a romance, it was just a meeting. Everyone was a bit scared of him. He was very strong and big and projected a mean – don’t mess with me unless you want to get thumped – vibe. I can’t recall why we got chatting, but we did. The first thing he said to me was – Stay away from me, I’m not good for you. I wasn’t planning on sticking around because I was only on holiday for a week, but I also wasn’t going to be told what to do. He was lovely and truly kind, and I enjoyed my chat with him, and he seemed to enjoy his chat with me, and he looked out for me for the week that I was there. That was it.

I remember that because many years later I heard myself saying the same words he had spoken to me about himself – Stay away from me, I’m not good for you – to others who had just met me and thought I was someone they wanted to get to know. This is a habit I developed. Because people make quick assumptions about who you are, those assumptions generate expectations, and you disappear under their projections. They need you to be who they need you to be and deviating from that disappoints them. Their disappointment then becomes your problem even though it is not yours but theirs.

I got fed up and just cut to the chase. Just as that guy had done, I guess.

I am nice on the surface, I’m nice under the surface as well, but I have plenty of things which are a part of me that are not considered nice and are not nice. If you need someone to be one dimensional, stay away from me… I am not going to be ‘good’ for you. Been there, done that, didn’t enjoy it and won’t do it again.

What I apply to myself, I apply to others. So when I meet a person, my goal is not to like them, or dislike them, it’s about getting to know who they are, not who they’re being for my benefit, or for social reasons, but who they really are as is, as them. All of it. A whole person. Share yourself, wonderful warts and all, with me. And let me share the same with you. Relationships to me are an equal flow of energy.

A person’s gift is who they are. No one else can be you, only you can do that and that is wickedly wonderful and beautiful, and not so wicked at all.

My favourite quality in a person is their ability to share who they are. As is. Raw, naked and wild. Therefore my least favourite quality is when I know I’m with someone who refuses to do that as though their life depended on being someone who they are not. Overdressed in clothes which don’t fit properly, don’t suit them, and cover their nakedness as though it was something to be ashamed of, tamed by self control into stasis, and so defensively protective that they seem to be encased in stone. We all do that a bit, circumstances sometimes require it, but there is sometimes and then there is all the time without a break.

It’s my fault though, the things which I don’t like, my least favourite qualities in others are born out of the least favourite qualities in myself, and born out of another trait which I suffer from, which I quite like in myself, but which others often find not so likeable:

“Never hide things from hardcore thinkers. They get more aggravated, more provoked by confusion than the most painful truths.” – Criss Jami