“To a gargoyle on the ramparts of Notre Dame as Esmeralda rides off with Gringoire Quasimodo says. “Why was I not made of stone like thee?” ― Victor Hugo, The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
Pain is one of the greatest motivators in the life of humans, without it… perhaps we would turn to stone. Pain makes us wish we had a heart of stone, but a heart of stone would not stop us from feeling pain, it’s just a different manifestation of pain. We may not feel it, but it feels us, embracing our lives with frigid fingers. We may be detached from it, but our detachment makes it cling all the more to us.
Allowing pain to affect us cracks us open and through those cracks, if we dare to look, we find a treasure beyond anything we could ever imagine – we find ourselves.
At first sight we do not always like who we see, but that is because appearances can be deceiving and we often look with eyes filled with ideas of who we should be. If we are not who we think we should be, we may find ourselves ugly.
“When you get an idea into your head you find it in everything.” ― Victor Hugo, The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
When we let go of those ideas and allow ourselves to just be and see without desiring to see someone in particular, without expecting, but just accepting, then we can perceive the beauty in the beast we thought we were.
Once you behold just a fragment and fraction of your own beauty… you can’t help but be inspired by love.
“Love is like a tree: it grows by itself, roots itself deeply in our being and continues to flourish over a heart in ruin.” ― Victor Hugo, The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
An Upturned Soul 
I haven’t got a heart of stone yet. Life is somehow touching me gently.
Thank you for your wise words and for being there for me; yesterday I was in such a state and writing to you make me drift to a more welcoming shore.
After exploring despair, I also came to the conclusion as you did that he was just testing me and my aggressive reaction was the only response I was allowed to give if I wanted to respect myself- which is something I have never been able to do in my life and which is why I was disgusted afterwards at my behaviour, as I dared being aggressive to defend myself instead of attacking myself!!
Therapy is very hard but is the only possible exit for people like me, as my friends who love me and appreciate me have never been able to get me out of my cul de sac; some people need the hard way as in therapy you need to work hard, cry hard and look straight to the core of things without sugar…and it costs money and this is particularly harsh when you haven’t got a job but it shows how much I want to rescue myself and perceived the real danger of taking my life away.
So, thank you, wise Ursula. I think you started your therapy (with yourself, congrats!) a long before I have and now you live instead of surviving, you have been able to pick a mentally healthy and loving partner, which shows how well you have worked on yourself.
My little victory is that today I have been able to enjoy the company of my friends, I have been able or shall I say I gave myself the right to accept some other friends’ invitation to spend a couple of days with them (I struggled as I wanted to punish myself) and yes,today I met for a few minutes by chance that man I mentioned, who looked at me in a way that made me feel pretty and happy; don’t worry I am well behaved, but it warmed my heart. I felt I was a woman. This is my little secret.
I really hope you had a different Christmas from the one you described in your post when you were eight; I ignore what happened to you and your family this year, but I hope from now on you will enjoy a very long period full of light and positive events.
seashell
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That’s wonderful! See how much happens in the smallest of things which are often the largest! That’s why it is important to be gentle with yourself. Your path is a challenging one, but you know you have the courage to do it, the courage can be seen in the fact that you have chosen to walk your path and face yourself and your life with open eyes. You’re very brave and strong, and by taking each step you discover that. Being fragile and vulnerable is a sign of strength.
My Christmases haven’t been that awful for many years. As soon as I removed my parents from the picture, suddenly life (and holidays) got a lot brighter. I did ignore Christmas completely for a while. But now it’s fine.
My partner has helped me a lot. He’s wise and patient and accepts and loves me as I am, and has helped me to accept and love myself as I am. But before I could meet him and let someone like him into my life, I had to sort myself out. I knew from an early age that I was damaged, and that my approach to relationships needed understanding by me for me. I did not enter into any romantic/sexual relationships for a long time. I needed to sort out my relationship with myself first. Then when I was ready, my partner turned up, and it was a surprise because by then I thought I would live without that kind of a relationship. I was no longer looking for love, so love found me. I was no longer looking for someone to fulfill my needs or make everything better or for a happily ever after. It hasn’t been easy, because I’m a mess, but I know I am and that means I leave myself open to grow and learn as I go. My partner has issues too. We work together. That’s why I refer to him as my partner, we’re in this together, we’re equals, and we respect each other and our individuality. We have boundaries which separate us, because it’s healthy, and we have places we merge and meet. It is not a perfect relationship, it is wonderfully messy and very human and I love it more because of that!
He’s also the first person I’ve ever met whom my parents could not manipulate! When I introduced him to them… well, he passed that test with flying colours and then helped me to break free from their nonsense, because a small part of me was still stuck. Dealing with society’s prejudices about how a child should honour their parents no matter what the parents do to the child… always tricky.
Anyway…
I admire your strength, and so should you! The reaction you had to your therapist shows you how strong you are and how much you need to see that! You showed yourself how fierce your will to live and thrive in life is, more so than the will to die. So grab it and go with it. Let death be a natural end, not by your own hand. You have a beautiful soul inside that wants to fight for life, let it fight and live your life whatever the adventure! Let yourself out and free and express your wild and beautiful soul!
You’ve come far, so keep going, it may seem dark sometimes, but you are your own light!
Take care and trust in yourself 😀
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