The Zen of Narcissists: Lesson #2 – Make Others Responsible for Solving the Drama of Your Life

Circus/Monkeys - Polish Proverb

As a Narcissist your life is larger than anyone else’s life. That’s a fact. Don’t ever doubt it. You don’t do doubt unless you’re pretending to do it for the benefit of luring someone into your drama – your three (probably more) ring circus. Your monkeys are loose and someone needs to put them back in their cage, and that someone is not you. You don’t do damage control like that. Your version of damage control is to make sure no one believes those who have seen through your masquerade and have decided to tell others that you are not who you say you are no matter how convincing you are when you say what you always say, on repeat play until everyone is too tired to fight the constant hypnotic trance your words are designed to induce in those who hear it.

Your circus and monkeys are everyone else’s responsibility. Remember that when someone confronts you and tries to make you accountable for your shit.

Fb drama - rottenecards

Your drama and dragging people into it and making it their problem is how you get that precious substance known as Narcissistic Supply. The sympathy, empathy, love and admiration (for your courage under such adversity) of others and their willingness to put their own dramas (real ones as opposed to your fake ones) and needs (real needs as opposed to your fake ones) aside for your giant dramas and bottomless pit of need is your food. Without it, you die of starvation. Without their attention, you cease to exist… and your circus goes out of business and what will happen to your monkeys if the circus gets closed down!

The bigger the drama, the harder it is to solve, the more attention you get for it… the more important you are and the more food you get to meet your ravenous appetite.

If a supply source (human) should try to escape your circus before you’re ready to let them leave (once you’ve sucked out all their energy) make sure your monkeys attack it at your signal. They’ll be too confused by the attack (they thought you were friends and that you loved them) to think straight and remember what they realised (that you’re a nutcase and they’d better get away from you) to continue with their futile attempts of getting away from you before you’re ready to discard them.

And if you do discard… keep one string attached in case you need them in an emergency (like when everyone else has abandoned you because you’re horrible). You never know, absence from a Narcissist does make people forget all the shit you did to them (humans are stupid, they do this thing called forgiving and forgetting, which is very useful) and they might give you whatever you didn’t get from them the first time around.

*series sponsored by

** No humans were hurt during the making of this series. Not sure if a Narcissist was hurt because they’re always in pain.


  1. Once again, you blow me away…in more ways than one. I loved your link idea so much (thanks, by the way), I bought the domain name. Ideas are swarming, but just getting the name secured is a good start πŸ™‚


  2. OMG (thats my Leo Moon when I say omg), I am howling with laughter with a side of whiplash from nodding my head in agreement especially as it totally describes the crisis I briefly told you about in October or so. Thanks so much for the reminder to not forget because the pressure from others to do that because she’s old and ill even though they know of NM behavior, has been laid on…internally and externally.


    • Stand your ground! Use all the skills you have developed over the years and your inner strength which is powerful to do what you want to do! What others want you to do is their problem not yours.

      What I’ve learned, and re-learned recently thanks to my NM rearing her medusa head again in my life, is that others don’t want the responsibility of dealing with the Narcissist either. I hired two lawyers to deal with her and I warned them about her repeatedly and both of them thought I was the crazy one until they had to deal directly with her. The first lawyer even did the – your poor mother, she loves you and misses you, why don’t you reconcile with her, I could help settle your differences – several interactions with my mother later that lawyer said – please don’t ask me to deal with your mother again, I can’t take it, she’s insane. The other lawyer almost got caught up in my NM’s nonsense but luckily listened to my advice to ignore her shit and stick to the matter at hand (after I lost my temper, which I do very rarely, and said I wasn’t going to pay for the therapist they would have to hire to sort out their confusion after they’d been screwed in the mind by my NM).

      So those others who are pressuring you are doing it because they don’t want to deal with your NM and they hope that you’ll do it because you’ve always done it and you protect them by sacrificing yourself.

      Your internal pressure is another matter and something which this experience now is giving you the opportunity to face and sort out. I know that internal pressure well, it comes from an old program and it needs to be updated. That’s why I’ve been writing so much about Narcissists on my blog, to change my programming and give myself a kick out of the old and into the new.

      I had a dream a while ago where adult me came across child me. Child me was alone and afraid and in pain and being hounded by a monster which resembled my NM, and adult me realised I needed to protect child me in a – it’s now or never – way.

      Like you said in your post, your NM created her mess, time for her to deal with it and stop making someone else responsible for her messes.

      So, protect yourself and to hell with everyone else. Where were they when you needed them?


      • Thank you so much for writing about Narcissist parents. And yep, the programming needs to change. That post was not just about her but a pattern I’ve noticed among the elderly after I took the red pill. It’s worse amongst the elderly narcissist.

        I’ll protect myself and thanks so much for your friendship. Raw and real. I’m on my phone since I’m at my egg donor’s house so I can’t add a heart to this comment.


        • β™₯β™₯β™₯ πŸ™‚

          The older a Narcissist gets the harder it is for them to turn on the charm and keep it on, so they tend to do the vicious thing on a more regular basis.

          Which is useful because other people are now able to see just how effing nuts my NM is because she doesn’t hide it as well as she used to, and she’s completely lost touch with the world and lives submerged in her crazy version of reality. All her correspondence to my lawyers is mostly in CAPS with lots of “” all over the place and bold and italic and it’s the text version of someone raving and babbling nonsensically.

          And it makes it easier for us to claim our lives because we no longer doubt what we know. It’s in plain sight. It’s clear for us to see just in case we are tempted to repeat the old programming.

          You are a wonderful, warm, loving, very real and very beautiful human being, your heart is pure gold and you do your best to live well and do well by others. You deserve to live your life and be happy and enjoy the fruits of your labours. You’re honorable and loyal and moral and compassionate and giving. You are amazing! You’ve been through hell and come out of it strong, resilient and still open and embracing life! It’s time – Uranus conjunct Sun – to create the life which suits you, those who support you and love you get to enjoy you as you are which is a gift of great value… those who don’t support you can go eff themselves!

          I get really really passionately angry when children of Narcissists have to put up with more shit than they already have all their lives… ENOUGH!

          If your mother wanted to be looked after in her dotage by her daughter, she should have looked after her daughter with respect and love when you were depending on her. She doesn’t deserve you, you’re way too good for her, and you’re good because you looked after yourself with love when she didn’t.

          Growl and roar!

          Love you! Take care of yourself!


          • I just thought about something this morning triggered by conversations with my you, my husband and cousins last night. Last year, I told egg donor about the sexual molestation done to me by her husband. I would not be surprised that this latest crisis is her way of getting back at me for what her husband did to me. I’m sure she’s well aware of the recent elder abuse laws enacted here in the state.


            • Love the whole egg donor thing! Ha! Did your NM tell you endless stories about the sacrifices she made to give birth to you and how you owe her gratitude for the rest of your life for her tolerating giving birth to you and giving you the gift of life… a beautiful act most ‘normal’ mothers do with great joy? SIGH!

              Sex and the Narcissist. I’ve been asked about this. I haven’t tackled it because I’ve never had sex with a Narcissist, but I do know way too much about my parents’ sex lives. My mother’s version of the Birds and the Bees is disgustingly priceless! She viewed a man having sex with a woman as the same as a man having a pee. And she went into detail about her sex life with my father to explain things. I decided to ignore her ‘advice’. My father wasn’t any better. He used sex as an ego boost, and did it often with women who weren’t ‘frigid’ like my mother. His words.

              Narcissists have a very detached view towards sex. Cold. Mental. Because the wound which creates a Narcissist happens before sexual awareness in a child (unless you listen to pedophiles and why would you). So sexual abuse is not something they deal with, because sex is not something they deal with unless it is used as a manipulative tool. And they will blame the child for any abuse, sexual or otherwise.

              If you really knew what your egg donor thought about your sexual abuse by her husband, you’d cut her out of your life so quickly she’d cease to exist for you and you wouldn’t feel a thing except relief.

              Any type of abuse is a serious matter, deal with it accordingly!

              ps. Your husband sounds wonderful!


              • She would say when she was a teenager and had a part time job, she would always give her mother some of the money whether she needed it or not. She made it a point to say it was owed to her mother for taking care of her. Now when the sperm donor passed, she start really laying on the entitlement claim to my services by saying as parents get old they go back to being a child so the children have to become the parent.

                This has come full circle Saturday night, I’m sure as a result of the New Moon in very close square to my Sun, Mars opposing. To make a very long story short for purposes of this comment, this is a replay of October 2012. The difference from then and now is because I found her and not personnel from the apartment complex, she could refuse to be taken to the hospital. Monday, I got the coordinator of her apartment complex involved and on Tuesday morning she was told by her that she had to go to the hospital. No ifs ands or buts. The coordinator is now basically aware of what’s going on, meaning the gist of the egg donor’s secret is out.

                I am at that point now of cutting her out of my life. I have not been to the hospital yet. I was home initiating the hospital move with the coordinator. My husband was staying with the egg donor over night. So yes my husband is wonderful and I truly appreciate him.


                • Your husband is a star! My partner has done similar things for me. At least we both found great soul mates, that’s a great gift after so much struggle! It’s always strange to be supported and loved, isn’t it? I never stop appreciating it.

                  You’re in a very difficult position.

                  I cut my mother out of my life years ago. Yes, she’s back but not in my life she’s on the periphery trying to get in using my father’s death and the inheritance issues but there is a wall of legal between me and her and it’s my wall and it’s staying that way no matter how many games she plays to knock it down. If I ever do direct contact she’s going to wish I hadn’t. But I’m keeping it as Saturn in charge with Pluto back up for now. Let other people, professionals, deal with her crazy, I’ve done my time.

                  From what you’ve told me, you’re making progress and doing what needs to be done for you and those very close to you. Saturn is about slow steady progress, stay focused and determined. And this particular Saturn is supported by Pluto, and you know Pluto well! Your military skills should come in handy, especially the training.

                  As for what comes out of her mouth – say anything to get other people to do what you want other people to do – is the NM motto. Emotional blackmail is their favourite game. It only works if you give a damn. Same applies to using societal pressure. Only works if the representatives of society being used to pressure you mean something to you. And society can be used against the NM, finally, especially when they are old.

                  If she wanted love returned she should have given it and not in the NM way, invested for a return! If you paid her back in full exactly what she gave you with interest… pity NMs never know when to quit while they’re ahead.

                  Trust yourself and take care of yourself. Baby steps to complete freedom!


              • Thank you so much! Your words are helping me finally put my finger on things that have been said recently and in the past regarding the egg and sperm donor and the egg donor’s family. Now, I knew as a very young child someting was not right. Transiting Saturn (you β™₯) conjunct a 3rd house Scorpio Neptune. I’ve never had this much clarity about this damn mess in my life. β™₯


                • Me too! I’m feeling a similar clarity after years of confusion. It really helps to express the confusion as it allows your own inner knowing to emerge from under it. The young child you were who knew something was not right can finally tell you what she knew but was not allowed to know because you’re ready to know.

                  Life is complicated, but it does eventually start to make more sense. We just have to beware of that old – I wish I knew then what I know now – thing.

                  Keep flowing with your energy, you’re riding an awesome wave!


    • Actually your worst enemy is yourself. At least mine was and still is sometimes. You’re too honorable and moral and strong. Your NM inspired you to be nothing like her, so you became overly responsible. This means others, including and especially your NM, rely on you to take on all responsibilities which they don’t want, and they know you’ll do it because you’re honorable, and you fulfill your duties and obligations and those of others without a word of complaint.

      Because you’re used to dealing with your NM’s shit all by yourself and have done so all your life, your inner resolve and strength, your go it alone and deal with it attitude which got you through so much in your life, is a weakness in this scenario. It’s time to switch polarities. Be vulnerable and ask for help – even if no one wants to help because they’re relying on you to deal with your NM alone like you’ve always done. Let other people share the experience, then maybe they won’t be so quick to pass the buck onto you and judge you for not taking it.

      That may sound harsh, but sometimes you have to be ruthless to be gentle with yourself.

      When dealing with Narcissists and with those who are under their spell or those who don’t want to deal with a Narcissist and hope you’ll do it again and again, sometimes you have to take the opposite approach to what you would normally do. Sometimes you have to let what you consider to be your weak side lead the way. Use your NM’s weapons against you, against her. But you have to override your lone honorable soldier program. And you may have to allow yourself to embrace the role of being a – bad daughter and a bad member of family and society. They’re going to judge you anyway, so might as well use it in your favour.

      This coming year I will have to confront my NM more than last year, so these words are going to come back to haunt me, hopefully in a good way πŸ˜‰ Embracing the role of bad daughter helped me get away from my NM. I gave society and family the finger a while ago when it weighed in on my bad daughter behaviour and told them that if they feel sympathy for my mother they can have her and take my role as NM caretaker and look after her. I used my Pluto/Uranus in the 1st to its full extent. I’ve always been criticised and told what a shit I am since I was a child, so I decided to use it instead of trying to fight it and prove them wrong. Let them be right if it pleases them. Let them think the worst, they think it anyway because it makes them feel superior and good about themselves. This scapegoat became and escapegoat.

      You deserve to have your life as your own, you’ve earned it a million times over, now you have to believe that and prove it to yourself, and you’re the only one you have to prove anything to. You’re worth it!


      • Yep you are right, I am my own worst enemy and have been bopped upside the head to clear the fog across my eyes via Saturn’s conjunction to Neptune activating my G-square. I’ll have to do a blog post because its so literal as to what happened.

        Neptune makes an exact quintile to my Asc, closer than the Pluto/Uranus conjunct the Asc. So, that ruthless is well hidden and comes out when my deep well of patience has out. Especially when I discover I’ve been taken advantage of. Things will be on my terms from now on. πŸ˜‰ I think I have to proceed in that manner since Neptune rules my stuff in Pisces.

        Your t-square will be bopped by Saturn too so it makes sense that you will be dealing with your egg donor.

        You have been transiting Saturn for me. πŸ™‚ and I really appreciate it.


        • I’ve been studying how to work with the Grand Cross – due to messing around with my Solar Return for this year and finding I have 3 of them in it. I think I may have sussed the formula, just need to see if it works. It’s about understanding what each point is saying individually, then assessing the arguments in the oppositions, and the friction between the squares (which is sometimes supportive depending on the energies involved), then locking everyone in a room and not letting them out until they’ve found common ground and an objective that they can all work as a team to achieve. Easy, right :O

          Saturn was the leading planet in a locomotive shaped chart for last year’s Solar Return, so it was powering my year, and it was transiting my Mars, Moon and Mercury. Taming my more impulsive energy and restraining it, teaching me to channel it, and so I have been very heavy with Saturn and it’s been very useful to learn its ways. And my natal Saturn is in Aries, so combining discipline and energetic impulse has been a key lesson to learn. And I have brought all of this into all my interactions (getting a bit bored of being so Saturn now) πŸ˜‰

          I’m intrigued and excited to see your post!


        • I recall taking a step back from a situation one day and asking myself – why I am trying so hard to prove to this person that I did not do what they’re accusing me of doing, that they are projecting their stuff onto me and expecting me to solve it somehow but nothing I do solves it because they’re the one with the problem. And I’m supposed to apologise to them, bend over backwards to beg forgiveness and make amends for something which is all in their mind and all of their own doing. It’s ridiculous!

          There is always a point in relationships with Narcissists where you realise how completely illogical they are. It’s when the cloud of confusion they’ve dumped on you begins to clear. In every relationship I’ve had with a Narcissist I always have one of these awakenings. I remember having it as a child with both of my parents separately. And one day I just thought – Of course you have a bad daughter, you’re bad parents! Two wrongs do not make a right!


          After that I realised that embracing being the baddie when with a Narcissist, especially those who think they’re saintly goodies, is the path to freedom because they can only keep you under their spell as long as you’re trying to win their approval.


          • Just beautiful… what a gift to reach that understanding :).. I’ve had that same experience with my ex narc partner.. he would often text me and say.. take care of yourself as at some level he knew what he was doing was unreasonable…


            • They do know, but it’s a vague awareness which they can’t accept most of the time – unless they’re malignant N’s then it’s very different. The typical non-malignant Narcissist is caught between knowing they’re behaving badly and denying it and wanting to believe that they are behaving well. We get caught in the battle between those two warring factions within them and used as soldiers and pawns for both sides. Which is one of the reasons they are so confusing, because they are confused.

              I’ve had Narcissists tell me they realise that their behaviour is odd, that they need to sort themselves out, that they realise it is them causing the problem, then seconds later they’ve dismissed what they’ve said, forgotten it, and are doing that very behaviour blissfully blind about it. Okay, not blissfully… but you know what I mean.


  3. hi there Ursula,
    sorry I have no computer anymore as my cat poured water on it and it’s dead..i lost my data, my book about my former shrink.this is hard to deal with, I feel as though i lost my reward in my suffering and experience. i am working to digest it. I hope you are well and i see you are active and creative, it cheers me up. i feeel so weird not to be connected anymore, internet is a great antidote to angst, a window on the world, especially on your blog.Your birthday is coming soon I seemed to understand, a special thought for you and my best wishes for a very happy inner year.
    take care seashell


    • Thank you for the birthday wishes πŸ˜€

      When my old computer died on me I also felt as though I’d lost my window to the world, but during the time that I didn’t have a computer I came to see it as a necessary retreat to connect with myself again. To reassess my priorities. To focus on that which I had right in front of me in my immediate environment. To find alternate ways of spending that time, ways which incorporated all of me. What I did during the time I didn’t have a computer changed what I did once I got a new computer, it gave me a new approach to how I used my time, I started to explore other ways of using my computer and what I did online once I was reconnected.

      When something like that happens I tend to see it as an opportunity in disguise of a catastrophe. As though life is giving you a push in the direction it wants you to go, telling you that you are ready to move to a new way of living and being. So perhaps you’re ready to let go of your suffering in its old form, and the rewards of your suffering in the shape of the book may have been keeping you stuck there. However a good computer technician should be able to retrieve what was on your hard drive. Perhaps you needed to sacrifice the old rewards so that you could make space for new rewards. You’re growing and evolving due to all the work you have done with yourself and life is supporting that even though it may not seem that way to human logic and its tendency to split things into to good or bad without really evaluating if the bad thing is really bad and the good thing is really good. The incident can be viewed as your life celebrating the change within you by creating a change outside of you.

      It’s a blessing in disguise. Now you just open yourself up to see what happens next.

      There’s a Chinese allegory which illustrates it well and from which I learned to think this way:

      “There once was an old man who lived with his only son at the border of the state. They liked horses and often let them graze freely. One time a servant reported to the old man, β€œA horse is missing! It went into the neighboring state.”

      His friends felt sorry for him, but the old man was not bothered at all by the loss. In fact, he said: β€œWho knows! The loss may bring us good fortune!”

      A few months later, a weird thing happened. Not only did the missing horse return home safely, it also brought back with it a fine horse from the neighboring state.

      When his friends heard the news, they congratulated the old man on his good luck. But the old man said, β€œWho knows! This may bring us ill fortune!”

      One day, when the old man’s son was riding the fine horse, he fell off it, broke his leg very badly and became crippled. Many friends came to comfort the old man, but the old man was not disturbed by the accident in the least. β€œWho knows! This may bring us good fortune after all!” he said.

      A year later, the neighboring state sent troops across the border. All young and strong men were drafted to join the fight, and most of them got killed. The old man’s son however was not drafted because he was crippled – and so his life was spared.”

      So rather than focus on what you have lost, think of what you have gained thanks to the loss. It’s practical positive thinking πŸ˜€

      I think this challenge may be very fruitful and may answers some of the questions which you have been asking yourself recently.

      Take care of yourself β™₯


      • Dear Ursula,
        thank you for your allegory i had heard of previously but still i find difficult to put into practice for the time being. And thank you for calling me a friend, i do it too. As you know, it took me so much effort to write and i am still very shy about my writing, but when i lost i realized how much i cared for what I accomplished, except that now it’s lost, forever(some friends are trying again to extract the data from the hard disk, maybe);it’s a coincidence that only that file got unsaved.i am contemplating the idea of rewriting but i have different feelings and the sequel of thoughts wouldn’t be the same, it’s very difficult to admit i found it poetic and subtle, i almost loved something I had done, almost for the first time in my life. There is a voice telling me “who do you think you are? An artist? A writer?You are nothing” and it dates back to ages ago or maybe it’s my parents’ voice.
        What happened threatened me, as though i needed the file to prove i am able to write and I am not inventing it. You can’t imagine, i read all your post and i found all my questions;sometimes i don’t sleep at night as I think i am the N monster so i check again and again if my behaviour is pathological, but i know i am not phony and i am an empath and a caring person;but still it’s true i need attention and i have plenty of doubts about myself.
        I have just finished a book on Nperverts and probably my low energy and feeling of emptiness is due to what i have gone through this year.Some people end up in hospital too. i feel it’s time for me to leave this place although nothing moves.
        Funny what you say about female Ns, listen to this (my shrink “friend”) when i thanked her for a book she lent me, as it was easy peasy conceptually speaking, she said”it’s a very simple book, that’s why i thought of you”: i feel ashamed because i haven’t got a job by now, no money and social status, but i read Husserl and Wittgenstein, i am not diminished but she needs to put me down, why does she with all she has got? At the same time, i feel an inner contrast when i need to stand by myself amd claim i haven’t got a lobotomy, as though ascribing value and worth to myself it’s sinful.
        This is my Gordian knot,as you beautifully call it i have to face in therapy too. Maybe one of these days i will start painting again.
        The N envy is very bizarre for me;sadly my Nmother was like this.i would like to prove to myself i can still see this “friend”as it’s a unique opportunity to analyse on a live mode the process of a Nmind, but although I know, it bloody hurts.
        Being disconnected also taught me I am dwelling in sheer angst as i find so sad to have only myself to take care of, I miss giving and taking care of people, i feel so happy when i feed my cat, at least i have done something worth it in a day. is this a sign of being co dependent?
        I think i have been very self destructive as i preferred obeying my parents and pleasing others than respecting myself but now i am conscious of what i do and people do. i have been given a great gift, my frinds, as even if among a good bunch of real ones there is always a rotten apple, they do exist in my life and they let me exist in their lives too, reciprocity is a main issue for me.
        i really hope one day you will write a book, as i have been looking for your kind of understanding of this disorder for a long time and found it eventually by chance;some people don’t and they miss the core to get out of this confusing mental mess.Still haven’t given up the idea of finding White’s book though!
        thank you for your presence, hope you are doing well in your offline life.


        • All the questions which you ask of yourself, especially the hard ones, show that you are healthier than you may know you are. This is the secret. Narcissists never ask those questions of themselves, they sometimes say them out loud to others, but they’re seeking reassurance not insight. You are seeking insight. You’re not a Narcissist.

          Codependency is complicated, because a child of Narcissists is brought up to be codependent, to serve the Narcissist parents and feed their need and ego. Narcissists are control freaks, codependency is an issue of control. However the children of Narcissists develop a rebellion against being controlled and being in a controlling relationship. We are superficially prone to being codependent, but deep down we’re not. It is a paradox of sorts. Our codependency is ‘fake’ in as much as we think this is what other people want from us, but it is not what we want. So we struggle with trying to discover a solution to the problem of our needs versus the needs of others. Until we claim for ourselves that our needs are important, we continue putting other people’s needs first for the sake of some peace and quiet, because we’ve learned that if we give people what they want they’ll stop bothering us. It is a coping mechanism rather than what we actually believe and want to do.

          The post on the female narcissist was based mostly on someone I met a couple of years ago. I needed the experience because I’d not been around Narcissists for a while and it ended up being very useful, it switched my awareness back on and into focus. I see her as my very negative muse. I’m grateful for the experience, I just never want to have that kind of experience again and that depends on me being bolder and not eager to please. I’ve been teaching myself how to be selfish in a healthy way.

          It is useful to expose yourself to a Narcissist, on your terms not theirs, if what you want to do is train your muscles, to learn to see clearly how they operate, how they censor you and put you down and where the need to do that comes from. You need to see that the problem lies with them and not you, because this will help you understand your parents, why they behaved as they did, and eventually you can talk back to the voices in your head which they put there. Which is something you’re already doing. And seeing this N woman and how she behaves, and being able to detach from her poison and not take it personally but hand her stuff back to her, even if you do it silently in your head, is teaching you to stand up for yourself and stand your ground.

          See. You are stronger every day. You are finding who you are and learning to encourage yourself to express yourself, to be your true self and do it with gentleness and trust and bravery.

          The file is a challenge. You’ll figure out why what happened happened in time. I think it’s saying that you are ready to move on, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t revisit the story, but maybe you need to do it with new eyes which you now have. Because you’ll discover new elements which will show you how far you’ve come.

          This year for you, I think is about learning to see your own power and beauty. It will take time and a steady progress, which is exactly what you’re doing. Look at the darkness, let it try to claim you, and watch it dissipate bit by bit.

          Your art… it will be ready for you to discover. Your gifts and talents mature with time and trials, so, one day, maybe very soon… you’ll see πŸ™‚


          • thank you, it’s reassuring to know that i don’t sound as my parents do.the werdiest thing is that plenty of people tell me i am growing stronger but i just can’t see it; i think when you mention trials you are right because perfectionism is a family business projected since a very early age.
            this is the best wish for the new year i have received.thank you!


            • That is just so insightful “perfectionism is a family business projected since a very early age”.. recovery in a large part is breaking free of that prison which is life denying….especially when that voice is internalised so deeply within us from the narc parent or partner


              • I had this insight the other day, one of those where disparate thoughts come together and connect – Our minds are Narcissists. Okay that’s simplistic but it makes sense when you analyse how Narcissists operate and how the mind operates on certain levels. The self criticism and perfectionism and fear – mental fears as opposed to other types.

                I was watching a program where the world was being overrun by people who had over-evolved their reasoning and logic and suppressed their empathy and emotions in order to become super intelligent, and it struck me that they were overly complicated and ultimately illogical because of it, and it reminded me of the Narcissists whom I have known.

                Then again the asteroid Narcissus is in my 3rd house, so maybe it’s just my mind which is Narcissistic πŸ˜‰


                • Spot on… When I did that reading and writing on the development of egoic or mental consciousness, that was the point Edward Whitmont made.. this super judging, critical aspect of ego came in at a certain stage of development.. it turned antagonistic towards feelings, the feminine, the sexual and expressive, the vulnerable etc etc… our culture is steeped in this and our minds become this way when adapting to the collective culture..I had a real journey with that.. but at a point this beautiful empathetic voice or energy turned up which could answer back that really harsh, critical one of the mind…. I heard an expression once that said If it is unkind, its of the mind….. which I guess is what you are getting at πŸ™‚


                  • I saw a quote on Pinterest last night – Follow your brain, your heart is stupid as shit – and I laughed because that tied in with the mind is a Narcissist thing. Narcissists tend to have that attitude because they worship the mind/ego and live there… and the heart scares the crap out of them, they can’t control it and don’t understand it at all, so they dismiss it as inferior. I think they’d discard their heart if they could.

                    I feel very strongly about people seeing if they are willing to do so just how much society plays a part in supporting the ways of the Narcissist, and thus undermining the ways of those who are not Narcissists. You just have to spend a few minutes listening to those in the corporate world to see that it is the cult of Narcissism. The media also promotes it. Everywhere we look we are being bombarded with Narcissist propaganda… I’m beginning to sound like a conspiracy theorist πŸ˜‰

                    But it ties in with what you were saying about the inheritance of our ancestors.

                    Love your description of your empathetic voice… how beautiful an experience is that!


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