The Zen of Narcissists: Lesson #3 – In a Narcissistic Society, the Narcissist is King or Queen!

NarcissisticSociety - someecards

The Society in which we live has already done most of the groundwork preparing people for you to swoop into their lives, sweep them off their feet, put them in a gilded cage and use them to bolster your ego.

Society will also help you to keep them trapped. They’re either with us or against us. If they’re with us they will support our Narcissistic ideals of living the dream and chasing perfection, making a mythic quest out of love and happiness, fighting imaginary dragons and foes, and being a human sacrifice on the altar of appeasing our suppurating wound of our fears. If they’re against us we will make them rue the day they decided to think for themselves, be themselves and live their life as though it belonged to them, we will come down hard on them, confuse them, make them feel the pain of shame, guilt and self-loathing which is part of our wound. They exist to take on our wound and heal it for us… because we don’t know how to do it.

Society will keep them too busy to ever have a moment to themselves. So don’t worry, just do what comes naturally to you and be the wonderful, generous, loving, super human, ultra special Narcissist that you are. If you ever get into trouble pass the buck and use Society to justify your villainous actions as pure heroism. You’re a positive angel in a world full of negative demons, surround yourself with those who support your greatness and ditch those who don’t and label them loudly as negative. Other people are very afraid of negativity and negative people so use their fear to your advantage. Others will stay away from those who’ve seen behind your perfect mask and will never learn the truth about you. The power of gossip travels far, use it.

The ideals of our Society are impossible to achieve because they are ideals – ideals are meant to inspire reality not become reality – but Society encourages people to believe that these ideals are attainable and they must live up to them. This is magical thinking at its best and worst, both of which work well for a Narcissist and a Narcissistic Society. Win/win for us, lose/lose for them.


Be the perfect child. Be the perfect parent. Be the perfect husband. Be the perfect wife. Be the perfect member of Society. Be the perfect boss. Be the perfect employee. Be the perfect role model. Be the perfect friend.

Live in the perfect house. Have the perfect job. Have the perfect family. Have the perfect car. Have the perfect clothes. Have the perfect body. Have the perfect teeth. Have the perfect hair. Have the perfect skin. Have the perfect life.

Be in perfect health. Eat the perfect food. Drink the perfect drink.

Train your mind to be perfect. Think positive. Never let a negative thought cross your mind. Be happy. Be kind. Be compassionate. Be empathetic. Be charitable. Be intelligent. Be emotionally intelligent. Be the best that you can be and then be better than that.

idealistic rules of being yourself

Just be yourself… as long as we approve of your version of being yourself, if we don’t then change it to suit our version of yourself. Do it and we’ll reward you with a dog biscuit. Don’t do it and we’ll squeeze the life out of you using Peer Pressure and using yourself against you by urging you to judge yourself harshly. If you don’t live up to our ideal, and by default your ideal, of being good then of course you must be bad, and that is a bad thing to be. Narcissism lives in a universe split by extremes, there is no middle, no grey areas, no in between or place where right and wrong meet. It’s black OR white, not black AND white.

On and on and on the messages, subliminal and blatant, the collective hypnotism, in media, on the internet, on Social Media, in communities, locally and globally, bombards people during their every waking moment, during work and play and rest, and in their sleep through their dreams and those self improvement tapes some people listen to at night. Pound the message home and push it deep into the subconscious so that even if a person manages to get away from it all they carry it with them like a chip implanted in the brain which shocks them if a rebellious independent thought should stir.

If someone rebels, Society will come down hard, and shame them back into their place. We are Borg, we assimilate. And what we can’t assimilate, we destroy.

Ralph Waldo Emerson quote

Your children will not be able to break free from your rule as King or Queen of their life. The child of Narcissistic parents will be made to understand that it doesn’t matter if their parents treat them badly (according to them), their parents are their parents and that is that. They will be told – Do not rebel or you will be punished. Just pretend you’re happy and had a happy childhood, everyone else does, who do you think you are to not want to do what the rest of your Society is doing. Live the lie, that’s how it becomes a truth. Live the dream, and if the dream is a nightmare pretend that it isn’t.

Just do your duty as a Narcissistic parent and put on a good show for anyone who observes you with your child. Make sure your child looks good, behaves well, and does well at school. Their grades are your grades, their intelligence is your intelligence, their achievements are your achievements. If they should fail you and do badly, behave badly, and bring shame upon you, then disown them and blame nature for their evil. It’s not your fault if they are screwed up and failures. It is to your credit if they excel and are successful.

Your spouse or partner will not be able to break free from your rule as King or Queen of their life. The spouse or partner of a Narcissist will be treated in much the same way as a child of Narcissists. When they realise that you don’t love them (Of course you love them, they’re just being blind to the special kind of love which you have blessed them with), you need not worry, you have maintained the appearance of the ideal partner and all their friends, and their family too, will think they have gone insane and will rally around you to force them back into their role as your loyal servant. You are too good to be true, it’s normal for a human subject to feel overwhelmed by the honour you have bestowed on them by making them your chosen one. You may have to let them go, leave them alone for a while so that they can return to their senses and get over their issues. They may want to discuss their issues with you, this is frightfully annoying, if you must put up with it be sure to let them know it is all their fault and you are the one who is suffering and long-suffering.

At the heart of every person is a sneaking suspicion that they are not good enough and no matter how hard they strive to be better, they will never be good enough. This is a weakness which can be exploited easily.

The first thing to do when meeting a new target of Narcissistic Supply is to tell them the truth. Don’t worry, this phase is short term, but necessary. You must let them know how beautiful, talented, gifted they are. How special they are. Let them know why you chose them and what it is that you admire and tell them exactly what the treasure you are going to steal from them is. In the next phases you will wipe their memory of this truth you told and steal their treasure, leaving them with nothing but the discarded parts of yourself which you don’t need. This will confuse them and they won’t know what happened. A confused subject leaks out delicious Narcissistic Supply.

Don’t worry about the sudden rebellion against Narcissists and our Narcissistic Society, it seems to be gaining momentum, but it’s probably just a trending fad.

Gloria Steinem quote

*If you question the subliminal Narcissistic propaganda our Society bombards you with, look at some of the slogans for perfectionism, idealism, positivism and magical thinking which seem so logical and normal because they’re everywhere and you see them all the time you hardly even notice them, and they make you feel good about yourself for a moment, then bad about yourself because you can’t live up to them – just like a Narcissist. Look at them from a different angle and perspective and this might explain to you why you attract. and maybe are attracted to, Narcissists, and why there are so many Narcissists in Society in this day and age.

** This post isn’t as good as I was hoping it would be, but just because something isn’t good enough, does not mean it isn’t good.

*** series sponsored by


  1. Thanks for posting it, even though you didn’t feel it was good enough. It helped me. You see, I am trying to figure out if I am a narcissist or a codependent, or even if I can label myself as one or the other. Your blog is helping me get a new perspective and identify thought and behavioral patterns. I’m still very confused, but am making progress. Thanks again.


    • Thank you 😀

      I was reading your blog last night, you write beautifully. And what comes across in your writing is how very self aware you are and how consciously you are living your life. Your ability to observe yourself and analyse what you observe is a great gift. This is an evolution of your inner critic, turning what you have done – criticising yourself – in the past which has hurt you into a source of self healing, so the critic is now giving you constructive information rather than self destructive information.

      In your recent post wherein you analyse your family dynamic, you have answered your question about whether you are a narcissist or a codependent or neither or both or somewhere in between. And I think you are aware of it. It is just a matter of whether you are ready to admit it openly to yourself and what it entails which can be difficult due to the loyalty to the ‘us’ which requires a sacrifice of the ‘I’ and individual needs for the needs of the ‘us’.

      A lot of what you have expressed about yourself and your family reminds me of myself and my family – the story about the zoo incident is a familiar tale to me. I am an Adult Child of Narcissistic parents (also known as an ACON). I am not a narcissist but I did absorb narcissistic behaviour from my parents as all children absorb and then mimic the behaviour of their parents because our formative relationships teach us how to relate. I did (and still do) something similar to what you are now doing which is to teach myself a new way of relating to myself and others, and to deprogram some of the behaviours which were programmed into me in my childhood.

      My guess is that you are not a narcissist or a codependent, you’re caught in a paradox between the two. So you have traits of both, but neither one is who you are and neither one fits.

      You can’t be a narcissist because you have too much self awareness, and you’re aware of your self awareness and work with it consciously, to become one and you have too much understanding of other people and see other people as being real people – narcissists view people as things, extensions of themselves. However you do have the disconnect from other people which narcissists have because you were kept apart from other people as a child – particularly through mental attitude which then affects the physical and emotional connection.

      You can’t be a codependent because of that disconnect, the fear and suspicion of others, and the internal sense of being separate and alone even when surrounded by others, you’re too independent to be codependent. However you do have a deep well of empathy and an intuitive knowledge of what other people need and want – you can hear the subtext in all interactions and conversations with others and that subtext tells you what others want from you – and you know how to give others exactly what they yearn for, so you will attract those who are seeking someone to be codependent and you can fulfill that role for a while, but then you reject it because codependency requires you to give yourself up to the control of another and you are too in control to give up control to that extent. You may also attract those who seek to be controlled, but you will reject that too because you do not like how it feels and thus you do not do to others what you do not want done to you.

      To solve the paradox, you have to do exactly what you are doing and continue with it. You’ll figure it out as you progress along your path of self understanding and understanding others.

      There’s a book I would recommend, but it’s very hard to get and expensive if found because it’s out of print, but it is what helped me to unravel the knots in my life and clarify the confusion because it explained the paradox and how it was created and the consequences of it, so here goes – Going Mad to Stay Sane: The psychology of Self-Destructive Behaviour by Andrew (Andy) White.


    • Thank you 😀

      I think it’s important for those who have been in a relationship with a Narcissist to see the bigger picture – that Society has played a part in it. It helps to clear some of the confusion. It shows that in some ways a person was pushed by forces outside of them in their environment and community and Society at large, by cultural hypnotism especially through the media, into the relationship and that they were kept there also because of those influences. That it doesn’t all come down to you alone and it isn’t all the Narcissist either. That the relationship has invisible members involved in it, ideals, values, and people which has crept into our psyche and which affect us subconsciously, of which we are not aware because they are subtle and constant, we tune them out but they’re still transmitting.

      Our Society encourages Narcissism, so a Narcissist feels supported and justified.

      There is a lot of pro-Narcissism propaganda in popular culture, and at times it feels as though those of us who are not Narcissists should become Narcissists. Things are changing though, but very gradually, I think the global shocks in recent times have had a positive impact on values, grounding them.

      There are some great articles about Narcissism in Society on the internet (there are also some not so great ones due to lack of understanding of what NPD is but jumping on the anti-Narcissist bandwagon anyway). Still, the good literature is now outweighing the not so informative kind.


  2. This post is awesome. Seriously. You’re right on target with the way a Narcissist uses the way society gifts the rest of us with self-doubt. It shows how they are able to study and mimic what they can’t feel naturally. You’ve once again, described in detail what I went through. Well done. 🙂


    • Thank you 😀

      You’re spot on. The Narcissist lives entirely in the mind, so every emotion they express is a construct of the mind – they mimic emotion and do it very well because they practice a lot. They are mind training all the time. And they also believe their lies which makes their lies the truth and believable.

      It’s important to view the part Society plays in our relationships with Narcissists to get the bigger picture. We fall for Narcissists because Society tells us that this behaviour is to be admired, and sought out, and they use that to justify what they do. They also use the pressure Society puts on us to worm their way into us and stay there and keep their hooks in us.

      Most Narcissists aren’t consciously aware of what they do, which confuses matters for those who interact with them. They have moments of being aware, but they are fleeting and mostly they just think – wow I’m clever! I have had Narcissists ask me if I think they’re Narcissists, but they are waiting for me to say ‘No, of course not!’. I have also had people who are most definitely not Narcissists ask me that because some Narcissist made them doubt themselves and called them a Narcissist when they had a moment of not catering to the Narcissists needs. Society does that with its members too.


      • They certainly affect our equilibrium – there were times for me when I didn’t know which way was up – and so we’re caused to question ourselves. Funny, I was having the same conversation this morning about whether or not someone who genuinely suspects they are a Narcissist actually is. I said that if they’re questioning it then they probably aren’t.

        Fascinating stuff from the outside, scary as hell from the inside.


        • I had one Narcissist ask me if they were a Narcissist, but I knew immediately that they were not asking that for reasons of self awareness, someone (in authority whom they viewed as such) had called them out on their behaviour and they were doing the ‘I’m hurt and upset’ routine and needed it denied and their version of themselves (being perfect and without any disorder) affirmed. This happened a while ago and made me realise that this person was a Narcissist. Funny that 😉 I came away from that interaction cross with myself for telling them what they wanted to hear… which is one of my delayed response red flags. It had been a while since I’d dealt with a Narcissist. But still… learnign curve!

          On my blog via comments people ask the same question – Am I a Narcissist? – and I know immediately that they are not a Narcissist due to the way they ask the question and their words which describe why they are asking it. They have been confused by a Narcissist and they doubt who they are rather than doubt the person who inspired that doubt.

          Narcissists often accuse others of being Narcissists especially as a defense and distract mind game.

          It makes me very angry and passionately focused on making people understand exactly what you pointed out – Most people who ask that question – Am I a Narcissist? – are not a Narcissist.

          The Narcissist is oblivious to their Narcissism, it’s mostly subconscious and buried, but they have moments of awareness which are quickly brushed away.

          So, yes, those who ask the question and hold that question in their mind… are not Narcissists. Having Narcissistic traits is human as Narcissism is a natural phase of human development and we should all have some of those traits as it is healthy, NPD is an unhealthy version of something natural.

          It’s very tricky, and it doesn’t help that some of the information which professionals give is vague, due to lack of experience as very few Narcissists go into treatment for Narcissism. So data is lacking. Most of the information of value comes from those who, like you, have lived the scary truth from the inside.

          But your experience shared helps others, and helps you from repeating it 🙂


          • You really can spot one from a mile off, can’t you?

            I can’t remember now if I met you through “The Mirror” blog. I probably did, but if not, I can send you a link.

            I actually started an anonymous blog to deal with the issues I had with my Narcissist friend. I haven’t visited it lately, but I should start again. Next time I log in there I’ll connect with you.


            • Send me the link please 🙂 I saw a post you did which I loved, your writing is very good, energetic and authentic, and I followed you immediately, I think it was a guest blogger post you did on a blog I’m following rather than a reblog. Thank you!


              • Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 You might have seen one of my posts on Harsh Reality. Here’s the link to “The Mirror” blog: He has written a book in part about his 19 year marriage to a Narcissist. It’s really fascinating stuff – I’ve had the privilege to read the manuscript already. The book will be coming out next month. He has some interesting theories on the differences between female and male Narcissists. It’s a definite must-read.

                My other blog I want to keep completely separate from this one, for obvious reasons. There’s only one other person on WordPress who knows about the connection and I’d like to maintain that level of disconnect. I’ll let you know somehow that it’s me. 🙂


                • I meant every word 😀 you’re very skilled and it’s a joy to read your writing. The JuJoJan is excellent (even if you just argued with yourself about it… who won btw? Who really won!?!)!

                  Okay 🙂 I think keeping things separate is important. Hope my detective skills are on – my mind is a bit askew at the moment.

                  Yes, it was on Harsh Reality! And of course he has theories! He’s very entertaining and I enjoy his blog, makes me chuckle a lot! Very passionate fellow, very dedicated.

                  Not sure if I know how to read books anymore – long story – short version, the internet happened and my mind loves it 😉


                  • I won on both accounts over my argument with myself. It’s a win/win. 😛 haha

                    I have a hard time reading books these days as well. But “Michael”, the author of “The Mirror” wrote a really compelling one. It’s not OM who wrote it – sorry if my reply was confusing on that.


                    • 😀

                      Yes, I got confused but that’s my default setting. I thought it was what it is but then I thought that what I had previously thought wasn’t the thing to think and I had misunderstood and thought wrongly because it seemed to be something else but then I realised that the original thought was the right one and the revised thought was the wrong one… haha… you’re so lucky you don’t know me in person. 😉


                    • I spent last night in The Mirror. Very intriguing. I look forward to seeing more. Really want to know more about his experiences. I agree about misandry. Ha… and I followed Don Charisma recently! Thank you for the link 😀


                    • Yes. I remember when the story broke years ago and the media was obsessed with every detail of it. Just did a post about it.

                      Made me think of the mirror, that’s why I asked.


                    • Huh. I’ll come over and read your post about it. Interesting. 🙂
                      I remember hearing about it vaguely as well – more about the uproar over him marrying his adopted daughter than anything.


                    • I was in NY at the time and every detail of the custody battle was covered by the news and gossiped about in society. Everyone had an opinion. It’s one of those stories which touched on so many things that it caught so many people’s attention. It definitely touched upon things for me. It was a very public private very human mess.


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