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Here’s a secret for the ears and eyes of Female (and certain males of the species) Narcissists only – No one is as empathic as you are!
If you are a female Narcissist, your empathic skills border on the supernatural. Telepathic empathic. Clairaudient and all the clairs which such psychic abilities endow you with beyond all other psychics (other psychics are frauds, you’re the real thing).
And you’re always quick to tell everyone about them because they need to know how hyper-sensitive you are to them and the slightest change in the atmosphere. You feel things no one else can feel (because they’re not real to anyone but you and your imagination… which is awesome).
You’re a fragile flower whose petals bruise easily and then rot. Other people need to know that they have to walk on tippy toes over the eggshells around you. The Princess and the Pea is an understatement of how easily you are upset by the slightest discomfort, and what upsets you the most is when other people have feelings.
How dare they have feelings! Your feelings are the only ones allowed to exist. They’re more important because you’re the only one who truly feels anything.
Your love is the greatest love ever. Rare. Special. Only given to a hero (or heroine) who can meet your demands… and you have a lot of those, they’re like the heads of a Hydra.
To win your love, a male or female ordinary mortal being must transform themselves through sacrifice and probably death. You’re immortal and can only mate with another immortal… ideally. And ideal love is what you’re all about!
But as special as you know you are…
You’re so unsure of yourself, you need constant reassurance. Try fishing for compliments…
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You’re so ugly… no, no, no, you’re the most beautiful beauty ever!
You’re so sad 😦 … Oh noes! Why are you soooooo sad! You’re such a loving lovely love of an angel! Who did this to you? What a Baddie!!!
A negative person entered your range of empathy and sucked all your joy and you have nothing left. Was this negative person a friend? Dear, oh, dear! You told them how sensitive you are and they had a personal feeling around you… Oh no! Even worse than them having a sad feeling… They had a happy feeling around you! They were happy because something good happened in their life! That is so negative of them! They knew your life was upsetting you, your miraculous talent of specialness had been ignored once again and you’d been forced to put up with people treating you as though you were an ordinary mortal human thing when you’re anything but that. Your drama is vital… and this selfish friend tried to inflict (cheer you up and share their happiness) their negativity (joy) on you and drained (tried to uplift) you of your special brew of delicious loveliness (heal your wound).
They are so negative, you’d better go and tell everyone else you know, via email, phone, physical contact, and social media, all about them and how negative and bad baddie they are! Spread the word around before they do it – and maybe others will realise that you’re not the empathic bundle of love and joy which you’ve convinced everyone you are by telling them over and over again that you are with words not actions (as your actions always contradict your words), and they might see you as the insensitive killjoy and permanent damsel in perilous distress who fishes endlessly for compliments to boost your ravenous ego and nothing is ever enough to feed your bottomless pit of need.
Quick quick! Damage control. Control the minds and souls of others! Cover your bloody tracks with rose petals and disguise the scent of rot with perfume!
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Ah forget your female friends! They’re all envious and jealous of you. They’re only useful when you need some female sympathy and when you want to rub in their faces the tales of all your conquests. Best go and get a quick ego boost by saying something sexually provocative around an unavailable male, and acting in a sexually inappropriate way.
Choose the male carefully, make sure he is moral and that he is one of those men who respects women. Then when you lead him on, he’ll accept your ‘No’ of flirtatious rejection. He won’t understand and his confusion will fill you with Narcissistic supply. But he won’t force you to live up to your promises because he is a good man. You always know how to find the good men. You have an amazing instinct for it! Look at how talented you are! If the men you target only knew how special they truly were they might avoid people like you and find a person worthy of their worth, but you know how to confuse them and make them see what you want them to see.
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You’re a mermaid, a siren, an eternal little girl for men (or women) who like little girls in adult female bodies, and a sexy seductress femme fatale for men (or women) who like to be seduced by a real woman they can never have. You’re a succubus, but they only know that when it is too late. You enjoy stimulating their desire, pulling them towards you, then pushing them away. Crying for ‘help help’ then sending them on an heroic quest from which they will never return because they’re trying to save you from imaginary dragons, but the real dragon is you and if they get too close, see who you are behind the beautiful helpless mask, you’ll devour them.
So, sit on your lonely rock in the stormy seas singing your siren’s song, watching as heroes, both male and female, are lured by your distress call which is oh so sweet to their hearts, and enjoy the chaos as they crash upon the sharp rocks which surround you and which tear their mortal inferior human bodies to shreds. You like the human sacrifice because it feeds your ego and the colour of blood because it is red like passion and yours hasn’t been red for a long time. It pleases you…
But not for long.
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Oh, you’re sad 😦 …. again… poor you. Did something upset you? Oh, you’re hurt… again… and your hurt runs so deep because you’re so empathic and feel the pain of the world and the world is so very negative and you’re the only positive source of light in the entire universe. It must be so hard and so exhausting for you!
Time to go fishing for Narcissistic Supply…
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*This type of Narcissist is known as a Covert Narcissist, Vulnerable Narcissist, Passive-aggressive Narcissist.
Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego
Passive-Aggressive Narcissists Are Eternal Victims
Covert Narcissists Play Martyr Role
Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges
5 Signs You’re Being Played by a ‘Victim’
The Fake Apology – not about NPD specifically, it does however outline something which narcissists often do.
What’s the best way to deal with help rejecting complainers? – this is not about NPD, however Covert narcissists often behave this way.
This type of narcissist is much harder to spot than Overt Narcissists as the classic NPD traits are more subtle, hidden, less obvious even to those who have a fully-functioning narcissist radar. They often come across as the anti-narcissist, they seem sensitive, kind, caring, interested in you, and they may even claim to be a victim of a narcissist (which could be true if they’re also an Inverted Narcissist – The Inverted (Mirror) Narcissist).
They may also put themselves in a position of authority about Narcissists, as a healer offering to ‘save’ other victims/survivors of Narcissists – the martyr/saviour role is one of their favourite identities as it gives them access to everything they crave, a position of specialness, superiority, and a source of narcissistic supply.
They tend to believe their own delusion, their created identity and version of reality, which is why they are so adept at deceiving others, much of what they do is as hidden from them as it is from others. Their need to hide from themselves who they are is a strong motivator – do not confront this type of narcissist unless that is your only recourse as they will see it as a life and death scenario, with you as the threat to their life. They tend to react very viciously.
The way that you recognise this type is by observing yourself when you interact with them. How do you feel, think, behave, react, when you are with them, when in contact. Pay attention to yourself. If you find yourself censoring your natural way of being, who you are, how you express yourself, and if you do this more and more until you feel as though you’re trapped in a room which is closing in on you, always walking on eggshells around this person, nothing you ever do is good enough, right, okay. That who you are is somehow wrong, hurts them and you need to make up to them for it, be who they want and need you to be. That is how you recognise them.
Energy theft: toxic forms of shame and guilt
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**Please be aware that although I’ve seen this behaviour more consistently among the female of the Narcissist species, males of the species do this too.
Don’t try and argue with a Narcissist Empath that the vibes and emotions (usually negative ones) they’re picking up from you or others belong to them and not to you or others, because their intuition knows… dum dum dum!… and it’s just as frustrating as trying to make them see anything else.
***This post was inspired by a female Narcissist ‘friend’. She reminded me (of my mother) about everything I had managed to forget about Narcissists due to taking a break from that kind of relationship. But I needed a crash course and am grateful it occurred this way… which doesn’t stop me from expressing my annoyance at this kind of behaviour.
2019 update – For more on this topic, you might find this article interesting: Narcissists Claiming To Be Empaths & Three Methods To Uncover The Truth by Dr. Ava Pommerenk
An Upturned Soul 
This was so awesome!!! You capture perfectly a narcissist’s thought process.
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Thank you 😀
This post is based mostly on a female narcissist ‘friend’ whom I consider to be still in the fledgling narcissist stage because she hasn’t learned to cover what she does yet, so it is easier to recognise that what she does to those she interacts with is her, not others. The more I got to know her, the more I confused her with my mother. Sharp re-learning curve, very insightful though!
She even asked me if I thought she was a narcissist… I gave the wrong answer, but the right one for her. Kicked myself afterwards and it kicked my awareness awake! Sigh! We live and learn 🙂
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I have cautioned against those ’empathy’ traps…it’s a red flag. I am of the opinion most normal people have a certain degree of empathy, there is no empathy contest…BEWARE.
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Thank you for the reblog 😉 Wp is very fiddly!
Took me ages to figure out that some people use empathy as a weapon, not just your empathy for them and using your caring for others against you, but their version of what empathy is and how their empathy is more than yours – you’re right it’s not a contest it’s teamwork surely, but some consider it and their suffering versus yours a definite contest scenario – and you have to censor yourself around them or they’ll feel hurt and it’s your fault they are using you to hurt themselves etc. That last bit in particular sets off all my alarm bells. My tactic now is – If everything I say, do and am hurts you and you use it to hurt yourself repeatedly, then get away from me and that should solve the problem!
I’ve learned to be less sensitive to those who are hyper-sensitive. I’m too old for this complicated nonsense 😉
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oops, I meant to REBLOG this…but hey, guess it was meant to support your position. Love the post!
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Thank you 😉
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Reblogged this on Narc Raiders and commented:
I have cautioned against those ‘empathy’ traps…it’s a red flag. I am of the opinion most normal people have a certain degree of empathy, there is no empathy contest…BEWARE.
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Thank you 🙂
Very true, it’s not a contest and when it feels like one… red flag!
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This definitely applies to my ex, a male narc/sociopath. My mother once asked me if he had a vagina hiding in his panties. Hehe! Why did I interpret his behavior as him being comfortable with his feminine side?!?! He was so borderline PD when he sought pity. Just a despicable creature. Thanks for sharing! Great post!
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Thank you 😀
When you’re in the relationship, living it and submerged in it, it’s much harder to see what is going on, which is why we tend to see more afterwards like mist wiped away from our glasses. It’s a delayed response, but an insightful one.
A man who has embraced his feminine side is considered a very enlightened man these days, as he’s broken free from old stereotypes of what a man should be and is making his own rules. It’s a powerful thing when it is in it’s healthy form, but when unhealthy, like with every human trait… uh oh! And it can go off the deep end.
Just because a man embraces his feminine side doesn’t mean his feminine side is a lovely thing, same applies to women who embrace their masculine side. It depends on who their role model, real or mythical, for that side of them is and on how comfortable they are with who they are. If the core is rotten… anything build on top of it is going to sink into the rot.
Glad to hear you’re free from it!
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wow! great! perfect description of my narcissist sociopath sister..who was adopted out due to death of mother and reunited with us 40 years ago, who wrote a libelous book which myself and other sister refute and expose the lies and hatred.
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Yes, ever so yes.
It reminded me of a time last summer when I was going away on a special trip, alone, and my friend said to me, “I must care about you, because I’m really happy for you.” I thought that was a strange statement, but I went with it. I hadn’t meant to go online while I was on my trip, but I did (mistake) email her. The first couple of days were great, but then I sent her that fateful email (it had to happen) where I was trying to say something supportive and she turned it around and told me (I’m actually going to look up the email to get the exact wording here) “you need to diminish my growth because on some level it threatens you.” One of my biggest WTF moments, right there. Anyway, I ended up apologizing (of course) but she wouldn’t accept my apology because, “To ‘forgive you’ assumes I’ve been begging for an apology, which I haven’t.” And the kicker: “Forgive you? Why, because I’m the monster again? You can’t give guilt to a person who doesn’t feel guilt, haven’t I told you this about me?”
I swear, I couldn’t make this crap up if I tried. Anyway, this lovely friend who was so “happy for me,” that I was going on a trip without her, ended up ruining it for me – because it wasn’t about her. I am sooooo glad to be rid of her!
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In a nutshell – I couldn’t make up this crap if I tried – sums up a relationship with a Narcissist, male or female, but we’re less on our guard with those of the same gender so their behaviour tends to hit us with bigger WTF moments.
Try explaining your relationship with a Narcissist to someone who has never encountered one (which is getting harder these days) and they’ll think you’re making stuff up… and sometimes you’ll ask yourself the same thing.
The person whom I mostly based this post on went off the deep end of drama over a flippant remark I made. Also via email. She sent me some link and a cryptic message. So I replied with a flippant remark about it because I had switched off my – be careful what you say to this person – mode. And BLAM! Drama overload of her hurt and pain and it’s all my fault even though she’s doing it all.
And they really don’t like it when you have fun or relax or are in a good mood because they don’t know how to do that, it offends them, they want what you have so they steal it to try and get it for themselves and it just makes everyone miserable.
The “happy for you’ thing… which for regular humans is natural and genuine… Narcissists always make a big deal out of it when they do it and announce their happiness for others like it is a phenomena because they don’t know how to feel that way naturally so they put a lot of fake effort into it and then expect applause. If they don’t get applause they have a tantrum. Sigh!
It’s a lovely feeling to be free of that kind of crazy, isn’t it 😀
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It really is. What you say about the ‘happy for you’ thing makes so much sense. In all the years I was friends with her, I think that may have been the one and only time she said it.
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I hope you were very appreciative of her gesture because when a Narcissist says something like that they’ve made a huge effort to do it and it is worth more than anyone else who says it because the effort to do it almost killed them 😉 Pretending to be human is exhausting, poor Narcissists!
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I had a hard time when I first met my ex because he was so emotional I got a little sick of his crying and thought, gee I wanted a guy in touch with his feelings but this is getting annoying. Then we moved in together and nothing, if he wasn’t dead pan he was filled with loathing. When we first met if I was stressed or cried he would put his arm around me walk me into the bedroom and we would lay on the bed and he would hold me stroking my hair until I calmed down. Once we moved in together he would throw me up again a wall and scream in my face he was sick of my fucking crying.
His lack of emotion was taken by his mother as a sign that he was such a sensitive soul he just could not handle things and he had to be protected from all the nastiness of the world. I didn’t tell her that he didn’t go to his grandma’s death bed (even though she was asking for him) because he was with some bimbo he met the night before and was screwing his brains out, (only because he was so grief stricken and I was such a cold hearted bitch he had to seek compassion somewhere) Screwing a bimbo was so much better than getting on the damn plane and flying to be by your grandma’s side. But he sure worked his grandma’s death. Got an ex girlfriend to meet him at the airport and lend him her car, told everyone that he had extended his grandma’s life because she had hung on waiting for him to get there, which he never did even though the flight was bought and paid for by his mother.
My ex could throw on the water works at the drop of a hat, I don’t know how he did it. And if he couldn’t muster up any tears he would hold his hand up as if to block you from seeing his tears and say, “Just give me a minute,” and he’d look away, take his glasses off and wipe his eyes, sniff, and his shoulders would shake a bit. It became quite entertaining. Once he had his script planned he didn’t like being interrupted either, its like you had your lines you were supposes to say so he could say his lines, if you asked him a question or something it would throw him right off.
I don’t know how many letters I got after we would split that would start off with him telling me how much he missed me and he didn’t mean to hurt me but the fact that I couldn’t see things from his side and how hard it was on him just showed how out of touch with reality I was and how little I cared for him.
For years I had a girl friend who only ever called when she was upset, always about how mean the man in her life was. I would listen like a good friend and the whole time the fighting with her man was going on she would call 20 times a day crying, what should she do etc etc so one day I was particularly upset about JC so I thought I would call her, surely she could relate. I told her what I was upset about and she said, “He doesn’t love you get over it.”
I had never heard of empaths or apaths until just recently and it made a lot of sense to me. But then I found a site where the empaths are all psychic and then I thought well I guess I’m not an empath. It may seen dumb but I had never connected apathy and what the victim of narcissistic abuse faces from society but it really rang true to me. My whole life I was told I was “too sensitive” as if it was a bad thing, I did pick up on people’s feelings, I didn’t always know what I was feeling I just knew the person was doing something they shouldn’t be. At 9 yrs old I had an ulcer and stess head aches. It used to drive me crazy with the N because I would know he was up to something and would obsess about it until I figured it out. So I think there is definitely something to some people being born more empathetic than other people and some more apathetic than others and then we have the N. I think a lot of times the people I previously thought were Ns weren’t they were just apathetic and along with the N. I find since being with the N I am more empathetic than ever before, its actually starting to piss me off.
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The important thing is you’ve seen his pattern clearly. That is key in releasing yourself from the ties which bind, which often still bind you to the Narcissist long after the relationship is over. Narcissists repeat the same small circle of behaviour over and over ad infinitum. They change the surface of it sometimes to make it seem different and to claim that they have evolved and changed and such, but it’s the same old story recycled forever. Your strength and freedom and healing comes from understanding their behviour and then detaching yourself from it. Give them back what belongs to them.
There is a bit of confusion about what being empathic, having empathy, and being an empath is and means. And the psychic label doesn’t help to clarify it. And it also doesn’t help that certain types of Narcissist think they’re empaths and empathic and claim it as their territory. I’ve just been watching Enlightened, the TV series with Laura Dern, and the main character is an empathic Narcissist (and Laura Dern plays her brilliantly).
Empathy is a natural human ability, we’re all born with it, it connects us and enables us to live together and work constructively as a team and form communities. That’s the ideal anyway. It is also a primal survival skill. It gives us the ability to ‘read’ people. Reading people gives us information which allows us to know certain things – is the person we are with a friend or foe? – which then allows us to prepare and modify our behaviour to suit the situation and the other person.
If you are brought up as a child in an abusive environment you instinctively feel that your survival is under threat so you develop certain traits more than others to help you survive your environment. A high level of sensitivity in a child usually shows that the child is seeking to know what the adults in its environment are feeling so it can protect itself. If your mother or father is prone to emotional outbursts which are directed at you, and there is no one there to protect you from them other than yourself, then you need to know how they are feeling all the time, to keep an eye on their emotional stress levels, learn their triggers and predict when they’re going to blow, and perhaps… something children always hope to do… prevent the emotional outburst from happening and thus stop yourself from coming under attack.
Empathy and sensitivity become of prime importance and get overly developed, tipping the inner scales of balance. You become more concerned with the feelings and emotions of others and ignore your own yet at the same time your own emotions and feelings become entangled with the other person, so what they feel and what you feel become merged and you can’t tell which is which. So to control your own emotions you control the other person’s emotions. Controlling the emotions and feelings of others becomes your main objective, and the quickest way to effectuate control over someone else’s feelings and emotions is to cater to them. Give them everything they want and need and they’ll leave you alone, you’re safe for a while until they get needy again which upsets them.
The same dynamic happens when an adult is in a relationship with a Narcissist. Narcissists are essentially warped children in the body of an adult, they are the stereotypical spoiled brat. Narcissists don’t know how to deal with emotions because they never learned to do it, they don’t understand what emotions are – they can fake them but that is an intellectual understanding of what emotions and feelings look like from the outside, they have no inner understanding of emotions and feelings – so they experience emotions as a build up of stress which terrifies them and they release it by having a tantrum and taking their stress out on those closest to them.
To protect yourself from a Narcissistic tantrum, you learn to enhance your sensitivity until your ability to read their emotions is better than your ability to read your own. You are filling their void of inner emotional intelligence with your highly developed emotional intelligence. You have become an essential part of them. You are the caretaker of their emotions, feelings, and their wound.
Most people who have been in a relationship with a Narcissist suffer from PTSD. Heightened sensitivity is one of the symptoms. Your sensitivity is still scanning your environment for danger, only you’re so exhausted that the slightest change in someone around you sets off alarm bells. Thus your empathy is working overtime.
It’s interesting that you mentioned apathy. If you spend a prolonged time with a Narcissist you can end up feeling anhedonia which is an apathetic condition. It’s as though you’ve used up all your ability to care and there is nothing left.
Getting pissed off is healthy, anger and rage expressed in a constructive way and not directed at yourself in a destructive way are essential for healing from a relationship with a Narcissist, because the Narcissist tries to censor others from feeling.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
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What a great post and so very, very true. You nailed it! 🙂
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Thank you 😀
Funny thing is, after I wrote this post I started watching Enlightened, the TV series with Laura Dern. She nails it too! Brilliant show. Very well observed view of the female Narcissist.
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Quite a bit of this fits my sister. Certain emotions are not ‘allowed.’
How dare I feel anything but joy and happiness. And even worse if I address it for a resolution.
I gave up, accepted who and what she is and no longer count her as my sister.
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Relationships are very complex because there is so much subtext and so many undercurrents beneath the surface appearance. People get intertwined. They project their issues onto others, and then try to control others to get some control over their projected issues.
So someone who wants you to be happy all the time when you are around them, is someone who has made you the keeper of a part of themselves, and by controlling you they are controlling themselves and their version of reality. For them your permanent happiness keeps the mess going on inside of them at bay, your sadness or anger or anything which they can’t deal with feels like an attack on their own being because they are denying something inside of themselves and keep that denial firmly in place by denying those same emotions in others.
When you realise that someone doesn’t see you as being separate from themselves, doesn’t acknowledge you as an individual with a rich life of your own which belongs to you and not them, doesn’t allow you the freedom which is your birthright to express yourself, then unfortunately there is nothing you can do but walk away.
They have the right to be who they are as they are… so do you. Some people have a hard time understanding that, they only apply it to themselves and not to others. And it is not easy to get through to them that although they may be the boss of themselves, they are not the boss of you. So the only way to make that clear is by being your own boss and removing yourself from their life.
Family relationships are even more complex because we seem to think that ‘family’ is an excuse to behave in ways which we rarely would with those who are not family.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
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Wow! Amazingly insightful and gave me some answers to some questions I had. Intertwined is such a good word and with my sister that couldn’t be more true. So much history and I can look back on the things in my own personality as a kid that contributed to the dynamic and toxicity that played itself out.
Thinking about the all that enmeshment and all the things that led to the way things are now is enough to drive anyone dissociation and depression.
But yeah, the only option I could see for my own well being was to separate myself. I know the relationship was two way and I dropped out when I was a young adult because of depression. I often wonder if she internalized that as abandonment by me…subconsciously. She’s almost 6 years younger than me and we were pretty close as kids.
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I think your thought about your sister may be accurate. Abandonment issues are a strong element of NPD. But it is their problem, because it is about their perception, and they usually never change their perception once it is set. So the chances of her understanding why you needed to go away are slim. Those with NPD can’t do empathy, can’t walk in anyone else’s shoes and see their side of a story.
You need to focus on yourself and your own story. In some ways that is a purpose of depression, to turn us inwards and make us aware of ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, needs. To engulf us inside of ourselves.
If you grow up in an environment which does not allow you to express your emotions, needs, and self in a healthy and safe way, then you detach from yourself in order to survive the environment, and later it becomes difficult to reconnect, and that can lead to feeling a sense of emptiness, a disconnect. Things like depression offer us a way to reconnect with ourselves, which often means that we have to disconnect from everyone else and just be with ourselves on our own.
Hopefully others understand this, but they often don’t because they have their own stories and if they need us to be a part of their story they often want us to abandon our story, ourselves for them, and if we don’t they feel we have abandoned them.
Life is a strange puzzle, a puzzle full of puzzles, each one of us has to put our personal puzzle together, which is made harder by the fact that the pieces of other people’s puzzles often end up in our pile of pieces.
You sound wise and aware 🙂
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Wow thank you for this.
Quite an eye-opener and a realization of how deep in this mess I have gotten myself! I’ve always suspected some sort of disorder or psychothapy, but this describes my partner down to the last detail.
Like you mention here, there is no way to confront this without it being a complete life changer. How do the types of behaviors ever get addressed / diagnosed if we can’t even talk about them?
We’re in the middle of a ‘breakdown’ at the moment, so the next couple of weeks are going to be rough – and as I mentioned, invested quite deep here. Are there coping strategies? It doesn’t matter how sensitive I approach anything, it always ends up in a rage episode. Can usually block and not let it bother me, but for the sake of the kids, I need some solid mechanisms in place.
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
Sorry for the delay in replying.
Yes, there are coping strategies, but that’s all that they are, they don’t ‘fix’ things or the person with NPD, they just help you deal with the narcissist a little bit better. Ultimately though, if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they are always going to be the way that they are and do what they do. They don’t change, and you can’t change them no matter how much you love them, how sensitive towards them you are (this can make things worse as they don’t understand what your sensitivity means – sometimes being insensitive towards them is a better tactic), and you can’t save them from themselves – the way they behave is not about you or anyone else, it’s all about them and their disorder.
Some articles worth reading:
This gives advice on how to talk and deal with a narcissist – http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html
This explains the ‘games’ which narcissists ‘play’, as in the most common routines which they may or may not be aware that they are doing, and may or may not do deliberately (depends on the type of narcissist with which you are dealing – there are different types of NPD and a spectrum to the disorder) – http://thenarcissisticlife.com/games-narcissists-play/
This is a long and in depth description of NPD and Narcissism – http://energeticsinstitute.com.au/narcissism/
This gives a bottom line about dealing with a narcissist – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201209/acceptance-is-key-dealing-narcissist
This is a complete list with links to extended explanations of NPD – http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/NPD.html
This gives insight into the lesser known aspects of NPD – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about
One of the tactics which I use to deal with narcissists is to treat them like children as they are basically stuck in childhood, warped and spoiled children in an adult body. I take on the role of a stern but understanding parent coping with a child who is completely wrapped up in themselves, can’t see beyond their own needs, and has no concept of anything or anyone existing outside of their version of reality or their own selves. When they have a tantrum I wait for them to run out of steam.
Don’t take anything they say or do personally – everything is always about them, but they often make their stuff everyone else’s problem as they are trying to pass their wound on to others to heal – this can’t be done, but we often end up thinking that their problems are our problems.
Having children with a narcissist can make things more complicated, as narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves and often use their children against their partner, as tools of manipulation and control.
The best way to cope is to get to know yourself well, take good care of yourself and trust yourself (this is very important as narcissists are adept at making you doubt yourself).
Take good care of yourself. Best wishes.
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just amazing –
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Thank you very much 🙂
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Damn, this so describes a you tuber narcissist I dealt with. She even posts on her blog things like “I’m a bitch”, “I’m not worthy of your love”, and “I’m the worst person”. But then turns around and does the behavior anyway. She seethes with jealousy of the more successful you tubers, but pretends to be their friends, while secretly wishing for their downfall.
She plays both the “I’m a victim” card and “I’m the luckiest person in the world because I met my soulmate”. She seems to crave a certain type of sympathy and a certain type of envy.
When I told my friends about what she did to me. When she ended the friendship, she did so by attacking me on a special day and sending a three page message with numbered reasons for why I made her uncomfortable. She said the word uncomfortable no less than six times. And her reasons for why she didn’t like me was because I wasn’t passionate enough, I liked talking about history, ect. Shallow things.
Even though she was the one who attacked me, she made me sound like the perpetrator and herself the desperate victim. What’s weird is how many people she had done this too. I know a couple of her other victims. Even her former boss who she spread crazy rumors about, suggesting her boss was secretly running an illegal business. Turns out those were all lies. Her boss was actually a very nice person who couldn’t believe, still can’t believe, this person would block her and spread such lies about her.
After sharing my account with what happened, it was weird but a lot of people told me, “I think she was jealous of you”. That surprised me because I don’t understand why she would be jealous of me. My husband is a very successful businessman. But I never considered his successful career to be mine. He did that before he even met me.
While I am aware most would consider him a “catch”, I never really thought about our relationship in those terms. In fact, I hardly bring him up in conversations with friends unless there is a reason to do so. Now that I think about it, the vlogger Narc (as I will call her) always brought up her husband, almost every two sentences, he was worked into a conversation. I listened, but noticed even then she seemed to want some kind of reaction from me. I would always say “that’s wonderful” and she would get this unreadable look.
She would keep praising how he is so handsome, how they’re love is magical, how he saved her, how they live for each other, how she can’t breath without him, and on it went. She told me once she couldn’t exist without him. They are two halves to a whole.
And I would nod and listen and say “That sounds wonderful”.
But I was never jealous of what she had, because I was happy with my situation. She had nothing I wanted. And I was happy for her, but I didn’t want her life. I think that inwardly she seethed because she wanted me to envy her. I suspect she wanted me to say, “Your life is so much better than mine. Ugh, I’m so jealous of what you have!”
Looking back, I think she was fishing for compliments about how wonderful of a wife she was. She always posts on social media gushing about her magical special relationship with her husband and all the thing he does for her. The comments pour in, saying they are the sweetest couple, and she glows and puffs up.
I just always said I was glad for her and that unreadable expression would cross her face.
Somehow her husband was an extension of her prowess as a siren. She wanted to be praised for grabbing a real “winner”. A one of a kind man.
However, while he is nice and keeps in shape, he is now completely unemployed and living off the success of her you tube channel. I never thought there was anything wrong with him playing the role of a male housewife. However, now that I think about her behavior, I think she is secretly unhappy that he lacks any ambition.
On one hand she likes have financial control over him, but I think she also secretly hates him for not being that “trophy man” she wants people to go crazy with jealousy for.
It boggles the mind.
Thank you for posting this.
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Thank you for sharing 🙂
There are some great articles worth reading about the covert type of narcissist if you’re looking for more information and insight to help you understand your narcissist and your experience.
This is the best article I’ve ever read on the subject – http://energeticsinstitute.com.au/narcissism/ – as it gives an explanation of how a narcissist is formed, what drives them, what they experience on the inside which creates what we experience when we end up in a relationship with them.
This is another intriguing perspective into the complexity of why we fell for them and got hooked by them – http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/5-signs-youre-being-played-by-a-victim-fiff/ – they have a way of appealing to our own need to be a hero for someone else.
Sometimes we’re attracted to narcissists because they seem like a hero to us, and sometimes we’re attracted to them because we seem like a hero to them.
This is also interesting – http://iheartintelligence.com/2015/10/15/the-quiet-narcissist/ – it’s another label for the covert type of narcissist – other labels include passive-aggressive, vulnerable, sensitive narcissist. If you’re searching online for more articles and posts to help you sort through your experience with your narcissist, those labels might help you find what you’re looking for.
One of the best resources for information about online narcissists is this one – http://n-continuum.blogspot.co.uk/ – CZBZ has been blogging about narcissists since long before it became a hot topic and she’s has some very insightful stories which she shares on her blog.
Give yourself plenty of time to work your way through the issues this relationship has caused. Be gentle with yourself, a relationship with a narcissist can provoke us in ways we’re not prepared for or used to – it can bring out your own narcissistic tendencies which can be hard to handle. One of the ‘red flags’ I use for identifying a narcissist is when I behave more narcissitically than usual around someone.
Of course, I grew up with narcissists, so I could be one myself, and you’ll probably wonder that about me at some point – that’s a healthy thing to wonder.
Let this experience inspire you to be mindful.
And above all, be compassionate with yourself – falling for a narcissist is not a crime. It happens, they’re attractive, are often more attractive than non-narcissists because they tend to be focused on being as attractive as they can be. They need our love, they need us, so they focus on attracting us.
This is an excellent article about be gentle with yourself for mistakes made – http://www.psychologymatters.asia/article/305/move-away-selfesteem-make-way-for-selfcompassion.html – you had your reasons for liking your narcissist, don’t pick on yourself for them.
This is a good insight into understanding why others may love someone you’ve identified as a narcissist – https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/tag/pack-mentality/ – don’t be too hard on the ‘fans’ of your narcissist, remember you once liked the narcissist too and fell for their story. We tend to invest ourselves in those we admire, it’s hard to remove ourselves from that kind of investment and admit that we may be admiring the wrong person. Everyone is different and works at their own pace, has their own reasons for liking or disliking someone.
Like you pointed out, there are those who you know who are like you and no longer admire this person. Be gentle towards those who still admire them even if they’re not gentle with you. Letting go of an illusion is hard. Being human is hard.
Focus on what you need to figure this out and move on from it. It’s a learning experience, life is full of those, some hurt more than others. Find the healing within the hurt.
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Thank you for all their links. Your words are very helpful. Just knowing I’m not the only one who went through this is sad (to hear of other’s suffering) and yet somehow helps by making me feel not alone. With social media, so many narcissists are clumping in such big mobs that it starts to feel like a mob is teaming up against one. It feels like social media has put narcissism on steroids.
But it also allows these kinds of blogs to exist that can help people reach out. So I guess there is a good and a bad. Thank for your reply.
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You’re right, there is a paradox in looking for answers for your own painful experience and finding solace in the painful experiences of others. It’s a strange part of being human that suffering connects us and we find connection with others through a shared suffering.
I don’t think there are as many real narcissists, as in people who actually have NPD, as there sometimes appears to be. Psychologists reckon that only a small percentage of the population have NPD. Environments like social media can influence those who aren’t narcissists to behave narcissistically, but those who aren’t narcissists will snap out of it at some point and will probably have learned a personal lesson which will inform their empathy and make them more understanding of the trials and tribulations of being human. We can all get caught up in a wave sometimes, fall under the spell of a pied piper and become minions for awhile because we all have the urge to belong to something greater than ourselves, be part of a team. We may choose to follow the wrong leader… the important thing is to figure that out and let the experience help us figure ourselves out.
There is always something good in something bad, we just need to figure out what it is and that can take time and some self reflection which may be painful as we see the part we played in the dramas of our life.
It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist and what they’re selling, the persona they’re being and the promises they’re making, it’s much harder to deal with seeing through the illusion and falling out of love with them and their story. It’s an experience which often shows us more than we ever wanted to see, but in the long run it also shows us things we need to know about ourselves and others.
People always come out of a relationship with a narcissist stronger and wiser, and with more understanding of self and others 🙂
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