Forty-Five Years of Incessantly Standing on my Head

Capricorn Wine

Capricorn Wine via 12 Signs Wine

 

“You are old, Father William,” the young man said,
“And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head—
Do you think, at your age, it is right?”

“In my youth,” Father William replied to his son,
“I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I’m perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.”

– Lewis Carroll

It’s my birthday today. And I was reflecting on who I am now versus who I have been in previous years.

Last night as I drifted off to sleep I asked myself – So, who are you?

I didn’t really have an answer.

So, I asked myself – Who did you used to think you were?

I let my mind wander through my visual record of memory, as though walking through a long gallery with paintings hanging on the walls each depicting a year of my life, or a series of years which amalgamated together to represent a period in my life.

Memory is a strange museum. Why do certain things stand out? Why are others lost, while others kept?

I was a serious child. Not always, but mostly. My bursts of enthusiasm for life were usually bashed on the head by an adult. Adults find children childish, seem surprised that children are that way and definitely find it annoying unless they need to be entertained by a foolish little jester who can then be humiliated for a momentary laugh.

I did not lose my child’s sense of wonder and fascination with life. I hid it in a puzzle box and mailed it to my future self with a note carved into it saying – When you’re ready to enjoy this energy and set it free, you’ll know how to open this box and you’ll know what do do with what’s inside it.

In some ways I fit the typical stereotype of my Sun sign – Capricorn. I have aged backwards. Born old, growing younger with each passing year.

When I hit my forties, I had a moment of feeling very old, even though it really isn’t old at all. And some say that life begins at forty. In some ways it did for me. I suddenly shifted from being very concerned about how the rest of the world perceived me and how I lived and had lived my life, to not really giving a toss what anyone else thought, including Society. I realised that my life was my own and I could do whatever I wanted, within reason… and without reason.

In the past few years I’ve been braver, bolder, wilder, crazier, and more irresponsible than I have ever been. It’s been fun, thrilling and has completely changed how I perceive myself.

I love challenges. This is new. This suits me better than the person I was who cringed when a challenge presented itself.

I’m not fearless, but I feel as though I am. It’s an odd and most delicious sensation. When anxiety, fear, worry and trepidation arise… where I used to cower and make myself small hoping to become invisible, now I make myself large, very visible and shout – Boo! – at the monster before me.

This new attitude has allowed me to face many of the ghosts which have haunted me, the inner demons which have gnawed at my insides, the shadows which have absorbed my light, the phobias which have paralysed me, and the goblins which have whispered in my ear and made me indecisive, prone to making bad decisions because I was too afraid of making a mistake, so I made one anyway and it wasn’t the mistake I would have preferred to make. Now my mistakes are welcome experiments which enhance my experience of life.

I have learned to listen to my gut instincts and act on them or not act because they warn me not to. I have embraced the wisdom of my intuition, rather than drown it out with illogical logic of mental calculations, influenced by the noise of the people in the world always telling you what to do and what not to do, which never have sufficient accurate data but have too much trivial information which obscures everything… and the mind always has an excuse why it’s logic and calculations were wrong.

Hindsight is a pompous ass, who only knows how to inspire regret and self-criticism of the – I should have listened to my intuition kind but I didn’t.

And as always I am left to deal with the chaos when consequences unfold without any help from those parts of me who were more than eager to set the cogs of chaos in motion, but who run away when it actually hits.

Life is a funny old thing. I’m a funny old thing and I like myself this way… whoever I am.

But who am I?

I feel a quickening, have felt it for the past couple of years… as though I am being ushered over a threshold into… no idea but… I’ve learned to leap and only look when I land, rather than the other way around which turned my feet into lead and kept me stuck in the old and the past.

I do have concerns for the coming year. My biggest one is probably the silliest, but it’s one which has held me back many times in my life. The fear that I might become someone I really don’t like with an ego the size of a juggernaut that crushes anyone who falls in my path. But I’ve been people I don’t like due to fearing becoming someone I don’t like… so, there really isn’t anything else to do but just let what will be… just be and deal with it as it is when it is.

Full steam ahead and leap off the edge, grow my wings or a parachute or an umbrella on the way down… or just plummet and splat sunny-side up!

I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday and usually don’t tell people when it is because I’d rather it was just another day. Not because I’m worried about getting old (I love getting old and standing on my head) or people knowing my age (45). It’s just a number. But because I never really felt welcome on Earth. Things have changed.

Birthdays changed for me when I worked at a place where people were encouraged to celebrate their birthday by bringing a huge cake into the office and making it a fun day for everyone else, thus making it fun for the birthday person. It took a while for the wisdom of that to sink into my thick skull…

So…

Happy birthday everyone! Thank you for being a part of my life, you inspire and touch me in a way you’ll never know because such things are hard to truly express!

Cyber champagne cake for everyone and best wishes to you all for the coming year and many more years to come!

Champagne-Cake via Bakepedia

Champagne Cake via Bakepedia

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28 thoughts on “Forty-Five Years of Incessantly Standing on my Head

  1. Better late then never! Happy Birthday and may you live long time to enjoy life and all it’s beauty, the good, the bad and the ugly and may you keep pushing the boundaries while giving us food for thought while you’re at it!

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    1. Haha 😀 That’s lovely, thank you very much!!!

      Happy Birthday wishes to you too, may 2014 be a wonderful year for you!

      And I love that film! I can hear the music right now, I’m going to go and put my cowboy hat and poncho on and stumble across a desert in search of secrets to bring back and share 😉

      Like

  2. Happy Birthday, you Beautiful, Incomparable, Authentic Capricorn!

    Came upon one of your blogs via the web the other day as I was researching narcissist (long story) and your words had a profound impact on me. I Immediately registered for WordPress to read more of your blogs and am now a follower. I loved this one because I really related to it and I’m also a Capricorn.

    Happy New Year. Happy Birthday. Thank you for being the “gift” that you are.

    “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.”

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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    1. Thank you very much 😀

      Hail fellow Capricorn! Secret handshake and dance 😉

      Happy Birthday wishes, and many blessings for the New Year! May this year be fun and an adventure is self discovery of the wonderful kind!

      My main goal with my blog is to enjoy being myself and just let it all hang out. It’s very liberating. And it also allows me to meet some very beautiful souls 🙂 Thank you.

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  3. “But who am I?

    I feel a quickening, have felt it for the past couple of years… as though I am being ushered over a threshold into… no idea but… I’ve learned to leap and only look when I land…”

    This has been me over the past year. Just letting the Universe guide me. I am glad it put you into my path. Happy Belated Birthday from a fellow Capricorn 🙂 I hope you were able to celebrate in a way that felt good to you and your soul.

    I snuck a peek into your Pinterest pics today…I’m impressed by your many elements of expression. I know I’ve said this before, but you are truly beautiful…on the outside, but also on the inside. I wish I could go back in time and tell Little Ursula that she would one day be an inspiration in many ways. She would have loved to have heard that, I’m sure. In fact, Happy 45th Birthday, Little Ursula…you have a beautiful soul, and remember, there can be no rainbows without the rain.

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    1. Thank you very much 😀

      Happy birthday to you too! Best wishes and blessings for the coming year! Keep on doing what you do, your instincts will guide you as always and lead you further on your incredibly beautiful path!

      I had a great b’day!

      My child self (thanks you for your love) went through what she went through but never lost her fierce spirit, in fact her experiences honed it 😉 and she has taught my adult self a lot about life. And since I’m aging backwards in some ways I am going back in time to join forces with her! Okay, that sounds crazy 😀

      Hey fellow Capricorn – secret Cappy handshake – you might enjoy this – it says it’s for Capricorn rising but it applies to Capricorn Suns too: http://realastrologers.com/capricorn-rising-capricorn-soul

      Astrologically, Pluto the planet (still a planet in astrology) of transformation, regeneration, and change, is presently in our sign and will be in it for a long while, so we’re basically coming into our own and our energy is in some ways leading the way and creating new foundations upon which to build new ways of experiencing life. As long as we’re doing this for reasons which are true to who we are. That’s why there is such a focus on being authentic. A very Capricorn down to earth with no bows and frills authenticity. Or something like that!

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  4. HAPPY BIRTHDAY URSULA!!!!

    ” And as always I am left to deal with the chaos when consequences unfold without any help from those parts of me who were more than eager to set the cogs of chaos in motion, but who run away when it actually hits.”

    In the words of Kat Williams when he was talking about some weed he had got from someone “thats some good shit right there”

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    1. Thank you very much 😀

      Happy birthday best wishes to you too! May this year be filled with free spirited freedom!

      I have inhaled some good shit (shhh) – because if you don’t try something out for yourself how are you going to know what you think about it, and having someone else tell you what you should think has never worked for me and leaves me with loads of questions which drive me crazy until I satisfy their curiosity – but nothing compares to inhaling the fumes my mind gives off 😉 and there’s nothing as trippy as our own minds!

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        1. Happy Anniversary! May there be many more years of joint wonder and love! Best wishes!

          My anniversary is a few of days before my b’day, we both have Cappy season unions – another astro similar coincidence!

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      1. “but nothing compares to inhaling the fumes my mind gives off 😉 and there’s nothing as trippy as our own minds!”

        Ah, so that’s what they meant back in our day by “mind blowing”! And that really is some good shit! 🙂

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  5. Happy Birthday Upturned Soul! Keep writing your inspirational blog posts. May you continue be braver, bolder, wilder, crazier, and more irresponsible.

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    1. Thank you very much 😀 WOW!

      I enjoy being this way, it’s more natural… even if it sometimes scares people 😉

      Happy Birthday wishes to you too! Let your wild beauty free 😀

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  6. happy birthday ursula!
    i love your post, very inspiring, i will bear it in my mind for my birthday. You are funny when you say you are scared if you are going to develop a huge ego…it won’t happen, but to us standing for ourselves it’s like bragging a big ego.
    thank you for being part of my journey.
    i can assure you the earth is delighted to have you, plenty of people love you. do celebrate in your mind that you are the person you are and you own a wonderful light (ok, sometimes it makes Ns cringe with envy, but you are stronger!)
    e anche se sei nata il giorno della befana, non le somigli affatto!!!!!!
    big hug
    seashell
    ps so happy my friends lent me a lap top and i can be in touchwith you today!

    Like

    1. You have some great friends 😀 now that is a great gift!

      My favourite gifts are ‘immaterial’ ones, when someone does something for you which helps, or says something which makes your day, or just is there for you when you need someone. All the material things in the world pale in comparison to the beauty and value of an expression of love and friendship 😀

      Thank you, beautiful soul! Mille mille grazie 🙂

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      1. volevo dirti che tu rappresenti proprio questo per me, perché mi sei vicina in qualcosa che per me é molto difficile da spiegare anche a chi mi conosce, e con le tue parole hai alleviato la mia sofferenza che talvolta mi fa precipitare molto in basso.
        tu per me sei un’amica alla quale tengo moltissimo, ti ringrazio con tutto il cuore.
        Sei tu la bella anima e sei tu che mi hai fatto un regalo immateriale .
        sono d’accordo con te, l’amore e la comprensione sono touchstone of life, se non l’hai vissuto, non conosci la vita;la sofferenza ceh abbiamo provato da piccole in famiglia ci ha permesso di apprezzare fino in fondo il valore immateriale e inestimabile dei sentimenti trasparenti.
        ti auro una bellissima serata piena di doni immateriali!!!!

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        1. Grazie dal centro del mio cuore 🙂

          Quello che vedi in me è anche in te, questo e perche lo puoi vedere in me, e spero che lo vedi in te perche sei bellissima.

          My Italian in writing is rusty… but you know what I mean 🙂

          Love you ♥

          Like

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