You get the majority of your Narcissistic Supply from conversation. So it is vital that you control the flow of verbal interaction.
Other people might want to discuss themselves and their lives. They call this sharing, you call this a waste of your precious time. They might want to talk about the things they love, which is very boring unless it’s you they love then it’s fascinating and nourishing, unless they want to criticise you in some way, have you acknowledge some wrong which they incorrectly believe that you did to them, or point out a mistake which you made which you couldn’t have possibly done as you never make mistakes. This is unacceptable and it drains what little energy you have and therefore they must be censored.
Controlling and censoring others is easy for you. You simply do to them exactly what you do to yourself. You are always very careful about what you say and how you say it. It is impossible for you to express yourself spontaneously, every word which comes out of your mouth has been vetted and edited and passed through all the filters in your mind. You only speak when you are sure that your speech is perfect, which is why you repeat yourself so often. Once a speech has been perfected it needs repeating to be certain that everyone has heard it and appreciated the masterpiece you created.
Of course you must pretend that your speech is spontaneous, a spur of the moment expression of genius. A sudden realisation. A flash of enlightenment. You know what I mean, you’ve studied these things, you’ve watched how humans interact, how they talk and converse, and can mimc their ways and do them better than they do them. Your version is new, improved and of better quality as you have practiced it until it is perfect.
Your self-censorship and self-control are beyond compare. It’s as though you are encased in amber. This particular trait is not one which you adopted from others, but was one which was given to you by those who initiated you into The Way of The Narcissist. It was part of the initiation ritual. Your spontaneity was crushed, your self expression was denied, your emotions deemed dangerous and exiled along with your natural self. The only part of you allowed to remain was your mind which filled in the emptiness left by the removal of all the other parts of you. Everything which you express is a mental construct.
Your mind was trained with relentless military precision and force to become an omnipotent dictator. The fortress which you’ve built around yourself is unassailable. And although this causes great suffering for you, especially when stray fragments of your true self rise up against your mind’s dictatorship, it is actually very useful.
People find your self-control admirable, they perceive it as confidence and mastery, and it often attracts those who long to be controlled and protected by someone who is in control. Of course a permanent state of self-control is very stressful and sometimes you need to let off steam, especially when The Fear – the ghost of the real ordinary mortal human inside of you – rises up. Those who are under your wing of control may complain about your need to let off stress steam, they may call it a tantrum, a verbal blitz attack from out of the blue, or an overly dramatic raging outburst, they may even accuse you of losing control and being out of control, they are wrong. These are controlled tests.
After all being in charge of controlling so many other people, the world, is a burdensome responsibility and you need to weed out those who do not deserve such an oppressive regime. They claim to love you, but you can’t feel it, you need to see it. If they can weather your storms and love you more for them, then they are worthy to be kept in your gilded cage forever and ever, never to be allowed to speak, feel, act or anything without a permission slip from you, and certainly not allowed leave.
If they try to leave, view it as an aberration, a lapse of reason and logic on their part, momentary insanity, and hunt them down either passively – blank them, pretend they don’t exist, wipe them from your life and let them know they have been unceremoniously discarded, play the victim with their friends and family, and your friends and family, and make sure word gets back to them about how everyone thinks they’re bad, they’ll be shamed into seeing the error of their ways and come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness – or aggressively – watch their every move, use their friends and family to spy on them for you (as they usually agree with you about the escapee, that they’re crazy to leave someone like you who is too good to be true), keep hounding them until they see the error of their ways and come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness. Some people enjoy these sort of games, and sometimes you find them enjoyable too.
People find your self-censorship to be an alluring bait too. In fact their attempts to reach you in your fortress are a source of large doses of Narcissistic Supply. They believe that they can save you from yourself, that their love can heal the deep, suppurating wound within you. They believe this because this is what you lead them to believe, but even if they could heal your wound with their love, save you from yourself and free you from your amber fortress, they must not be permitted to succeed.
They might leave you if they freed and healed you because you would no longer be the person who attracted them. You might become human too, mortal, ordinary, and this is something which is too terrifying to even consider. What you can do however is slice pieces of your painful wound off and give it to others as a gift. It’s theirs now, and they must own it and heal it if they can, however they will fail. You’ll make sure that they do, they can’t be allowed to succeed where you have not succeeded as this would make you appear to be a failure.
You are a superior being and everyone else is inferior to you. Appearances must be maintained at all costs, even to your own detriment and destruction. When you do self-destruct make sure you take everyone with you. If they love you they will follow you. Their self-sacrifice will be proof of their love. You won’t feel it, you can’t feel a thing encased in your amber fortress, but you can see it because the amber fortress is a window through which you see the world, slightly warped and of a strange hue, but the world can’t see you…
Or at least you hope they can’t see you… and that all they see is who you choose to let them see, the image you project and the identity you work so hard to create and maintain.
*If you feel censored when in the company of certain people, controlled by them – and I’m not talking about social situations where you have to be well mannered and tone down your language, be diplomatic and courteous. If you feel that who you are somehow causes them pain, that your words of self expression hurt them, that nothing you say or do is right, good, welcome or wanted. If you feel that you have to become who they want you to be, who they’ve decided you are… if who you actually are feels locked in a cell, a prison of silence. Then consider that that person or those people may be Narcissists. Their censorship of you can be very subtle and gradual. Their censorship of themselves can be quite attractive to those who relate to it, to those who like to draw people out of their shells and encourage them to express themselves. Narcissist like this attention, feed on it, and never come out of their shell. They can’t, but they can suck you into it.
**As always my views are based on my personal experience of Narcissists. Please share your views and experience. Break the silence!
*** ***series sponsored by NarcissistSlayers.com – this link will take you to Letmereach.com, a brilliant source for information on how to heal from a relationship with a Narcissist written by someone who knows what it’s like, has survived and is sharing her experience, and the Narcissist Slayers award nominations where you will find links to excellent blogs which offer advice and personal experience of relationships with Narcissists