The Zen of Narcissists: Lesson #8 – Relationship Rules for Narcissists

Thema Davis quote

As a Narcissist you approach life strategically. You’re very focused on being the best, popular, superior, successful and powerful. You need to keep your mind, heart, soul and body pure. You are special, brilliant, a genius, extraordinary, immortal, super human, and you need to be treated with the respect which you deserve, which is your birthright.

Never-love-anybody-who-treats-you-live-youre-ordinary

To embody your ideal, to live your dream, make your vision a reality, you must make sure that you are in good company, with those who love and support you. Those who confirm your identity and help you to maintain it. Those who uplift and advance your purpose.

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You were born for greatness, your life has an important purpose, you are on a very important mission. For you to achieve the potential which burns within you like an eternal flame, you must have the right people in your life.

CEO of your Life

Your greatness is clear to all who see it. They of course want a part of it. Your energy is very attractive and addictive to others. You are charismatic and irresistible. It is natural that ordinary mortals should flock to you and want you to lead them, control them and show them the way to be as perfect as you are. Unfortunately some of these people are of an inferior quality, flawed, damaged, unfixable, everyone is except you, but some are useful to you, others are not and may be detrimental. They want to leech your precious energy. Turn your stunning, radiant smile into a dull and dreary frown.

Negative people

You need horses to pull your chariot, not lead weights tied to the back of it dragging along behind you and slowing you down. You need an appreciative audience who will applaud your every word and gesture. You need a supporting cast who follows the script you have given them and are grateful for the opportunity of being a part of your magnificent production, your opus. You need helpers, not hindrances.

surround yourself with the right people

You need those who will love you no matter what you say or do or don’t say and don’t do. Forgive your sins and forget them, never to be spoken of again as though it never happened. Their love for you must withstand all the tests and quests which you put it through. It has to be unconditional love…

love not matter what

…even if you are contemptuous of their unconditional love because how could anyone love someone who treats them the way that you do.

They must never blame you, shame you, confront you, challenge you, make you feel guilty, or bad, or responsible for anything. They must not make any demands, or ask for anything at all for themselves.

life lessons

They must cater to your needs and make your needs, their needs too. It’s all for one. You are their one, and they must be your all.

self sacrificing love

You must be careful with whom you share your life and specialness. You are very sensitive and it is important that you protect yourself. Not everyone is worthy of your attention.

Danielle Koepke

There will be many times in your life when you have to cut someone out of it, for your own good.

life hack

They may react badly, it is understandable. They must face the harsh and painful truth that they are not worthy of you, to walk with you on your yellow brick road and share the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

walking away

It is their problem not yours. You are good, they are bad. You are positive, they are negative. You are an elixir of life, they are poison.

Let go of Toxic people

Remember this…

self creation

You are a magical thinker, a dreamer who makes their dreams come true, a king or queen whose kingdom needs loyal subjects, a court filled with beautiful, successful and important people who all bow to your greatness and are subservient, a god and goddess creating a world from scratch and populating it with those who must serve, adore and worship you.

Learn the rules… improve them when needed as they were written by ordinary inferior mortals and need fixing to suit your special and unique superior immortal self… and follow them like the mind control freak that you are!

Live forever, prosper, and bless the world with your presence… we are not worthy, thank you!

 

 

*All of these quotes are ones which may be familiar to you and you may have even used them to inspire you and help you to deal with and heal from having been in a relationship with a Narcissist. To let go of the Narcissist, to realise your worth and make the changes needed to do what is healthy for you.

I am not knocking these quotes and the advice and inspiration which they may provide, I am just pointing out that Narcissists have access to them too, take them very seriously, and follow their advice to the letter. If I had a dollar for each time a Narcissist used a quote like these to justify their behaviour, I would now be a one-percenter.

A Narcissist can take anything and twist it to suit them, to serve their purpose. If something is not useful they discard it, dismiss it, ignore it or destroy it so no one else can use it. Narcissist’s adapt everything to fit into their version of reality and to support it, and that includes rules of relationship, life, behaviour, manners, self-help, pop psychology, spirituality, and so on. And they absolutely thrive when they have their noses stuck firmly into a How to be the Master of your Life book. Those sort of books supply them with weapons and excuses.

You use these sort of quotes and those sort of books to inspire you, they live by them. You have a heart which guides you, you feel, listen to more than just your mind to know what is right and what is wrong for you and others. They are only guided by their mind and The Fear – a darkness within them which terrifies them and threatens to annihilate them unless they can control it. They are control freaks who monitor everything and everyone, they censor and control themselves as much as they do to others, even more so as they are always on guard.

Watchfulness/self control and censorship

Narcissists live in the mind, they study the rules of life, power and relationship to know what to do, how to feel (their emotions are mental constructs), how to behave, and also to excuse their behaviour should anyone dare to question it.

 

**People often struggle to understand ‘The Discard’. When a Narcissist unceremoniously dumps you, deletes you from their life, ignores you and pretends you don’t exist and never did exist. Usually without an explanation or the opportunity to discuss what has happened and why.

responding to negative people

Trying to confront a Narcissist after a discard tends to lead to frustration and confusion, which makes it very hard to let go of the relationship on your side of it.

speaking with a Narcissist

There are many reasons why Narcissists do The Discard. It depends on the type of relationship they think they had with you, what role you played in their charade.

Mostly they do it because you threaten their version of reality. You are a sharp pin which came very close to popping the bubble they live in. They see you as a threat and a danger to them. If their bubble pops their reality will be completely destroyed and so will they. It is a Narcissistic survival mechanism. When they blame you for it, they mean it.

cutting people off

But it is not your fault so don’t blame yourself. Be thankful they did it. I know it hurts, but they did you a favour. You deserve to be happy and healthy and loved.

Take care of yourself!

***series sponsored by NarcissistSlayers.com – this link will take you to Letmereach.com, a brilliant source for information on how to heal from a relationship with a Narcissist written by someone who knows what it’s like, has survived and is sharing her experience, and the Narcissist Slayers award nominations where you will find links to excellent blogs which offer advice and personal experience of relationships with Narcissists

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19 thoughts on “The Zen of Narcissists: Lesson #8 – Relationship Rules for Narcissists

  1. It seems nowadays everyone is a narcissist. It is very easy to see anything a person does as manupulative and narcissistic, once labeled. People seem to label their partner because of finding answers. I have done the same with my ex. All the information on the internet about narcissism makes it easy to label your spouse or anyone else, almost like it is a competition who is victim in a stranded relationship. The narcistic hype. Maybe even provided by internet, self-growth quotes, social media, etc.

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    1. Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

      It is true that everyone does seem to be labeled as a narcissist these days, whether they have NPD or not.

      This is an interesting take on this – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201204/it-s-fine-line-between-narcissism-and-egocentrism

      And I think you hit the nail on the head with your observation that this is done as part of a personal need to find answers. We tend to label things and people to understand them, to make them less of an unknown, and therefore less of a fear factor for us. Once we place the label it seems to help us sort out our own side of the issue, we can focus on our side of the story, as long as we don’t get caught up focusing our attention on what we think is wrong about the other person.

      This is quite an intriguing view of that – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200909/dont-play-the-victim-game

      There does seem to be an undercurrent of competition in the online narcissist circles. I have seen cases of – my narcissist versus yours or my wound versus yours – with a weird vibe of one being worse/better than the other. In some ways this reflects the natural narcissism which all humans have, and the tendency of narcissists to bring out the narcissist within us. Pain also makes us all narcissistic, especially when it is raw and hurting us – we tend to lash out due to it. There are times when it is impossible to tell who the narcissist actually is – the person claiming to be a victim of a narcissist or the person they’re claiming is the narcissist who victimised them.

      Around the time that I wrote this post I had a bit of a shock. I saw myself becoming increasingly narcissistic in what I wrote about narcissists. I was pretty much becoming what I was ‘fighting’ as Nietzsche expressed so clearly. I took a time out shortly afterwards to self-reflect. We’re always on a learning curve.

      Sometimes it helps us to see ourselves and others a certain way, but we do need to be aware that what we’re seeing is created by our perception and that includes projection. At the end of the day, we need to bring it home.

      If we were a victim, of a narcissist or otherwise, we need to claim it, but not get stuck in it as an identity/label. Nor necessarily cause someone else to be stuck in the identity/label which we’ve given them.

      Probably the best article which I have read about Narcissism is this one – http://www.energeticsinstitute.com.au/page/narcissism.html

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  2. Love this!!! My ex-narcissist friend was a Brene Brown fan and had some of her books. We even went to one of her talks at a church. Makes me want to barf knowing what I know now about her. The concept of vulnerability to her was to spew her garbage on me and then tell me how she couldn’t believe she was telling me all this. A sign that someone is full of shit is when they tell you something “big” but then follow it with telling you 5 times how they can’t believe that they shared that with you…LIARS do that. Honest people just look to you for support and reassurance that what they have told you matters. Honest people disclose information with REAL vulnerability and do not need to be reassured or praised for it. I’m learning. Really enjoyed your post and looking at how someone with a distorted reality tends to twist the truth and meanings of things in order to keep the fantasy alive. I was apart of her reality for awhile and experienced my own mind distorting things too. I was becoming like her. I’m a natural information seeker though and I was always boggled by the nonsense that I was hearing & seeing but I realized that if I goggled enough I could find something, somewhere that would support the chaos. That’s the scary thing about the internet. Anything goes these days…got to know where you stand or someone will decide for you.

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    1. Thank you πŸ™‚

      I knew a narcissist who idolised Brene Brown. Narcissists often follow gurus without learning what is being taught, what they usually desire is power of the sort which they see the guru as having, sway over others, popularity and adulation, without doing the work involved, and they often follow popular gurus because they want to learn how to become a guru.

      Narcissists are attracted to the shine in others. They’re a bit like magpies, attracted to shiny things which they steal to decorate their nest.

      Narcissists seek power, to be in a superior position, over others. They play the victim and over-dramatise it because this makes them better than others, they always have suffered more than anyone else which means that we, their audience, have to dismiss our problems, which are never as important or worthy as theirs, to bow down to theirs.

      The over-emphasis on the – I can’t believe I’ve shared this with you – is designed to make you feel special, because they only would share something like that with someone who is almost as special as they are. You have been chosen and deemed worthy of their confidence (con). It’s a trap, but it can be a very attractive one. And they often believe their own con, they believe what they are saying is true, which can make what they say sound real and convincing… until you realise they are deluding themselves and infecting you with it.

      It’s very easy to get caught up in the world of a narcissist, they have a child-like enthusiasm for things, coupled with magical thinking, which can be hard to resist. It also masks the darker side of it. And of course when we first meet them we are not looking for the worst in them, we’re looking for the best. It’s a natural approach to relationships, we want to like people, make friends, not dislike them, and because we’re human we dismiss anything which seems off as just part of being human. It’s only when it all starts to add up and we notice that none of it makes sense, and it confuses us, that we begin to see them differently.

      It’s a sharp learning curve, which often shocks us. Best thing we can do, as you have done, is learn from it. Keep your heart open as it is, that’s a beautiful gift to have, just remind your mind to be on the alert – if it begins to not make sense, check it out more closely.

      The internet is a great place, with many great people to meet through it, like you, it’s also very flexible, and like with anything which involves humans, it has all the aspects of being human which we meet in real life.

      Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

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      1. You are so spot on that I could scream and do a happy dance! I couldn’t help but smile and laugh when you wrote how narcissists are attracted to shiny things and people. So true! She would always say she was drawn to pretty things. Pretty things to steal is more like it…ha ha! You got to have a sense of humor when decoding their morse code linguistical patterns- no wonder I was always confused. Her simple statements were not what they appeared. You are so right..it is a sharp learning curve and rather shocking once you see the same patterns repeat themselves and realize how really stagnant their personalities are in many ways. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The one time that she really made a big deal about telling me how she couldn’t believe she was telling me this (said it 10 times versus her usual 5) was when she told me again how her marriage was loveless (she had already told me that before,duh) but then added that she was a sociopath and a liar. I said “no you aren’t” and then said I can’t believe you never cry when you tell me this stuff. She instantly poured on the tears…looking back makes me laugh really. I was in a drama play and didn’t even know it. She was on a power trip at this point and in the end her confidence got the best of her and began to eat her alive…I’m not dumb all of the time. SO, I have to say, it feels so good to have unexpectedly ended it with her when I did. She was not prepared & I shocked and confused her this time around, ha ha! To have taken the control back by saying NO CONTACT and sticking to it has been the best thing ever, ever! Thanks so much for your responses and support. It solidifies things for me and is helping me move on. I am thankful for that. Her magpie nest is looking pretty bleak these days…I’m keeping all my shine:)

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        1. Thank you πŸ™‚

          Narcissists don’t know how to be natural and how to have relationships in a natural way. Mostly this is due to them not knowing who they are, they don’t have a core sense of self – this is an intrinsic part of the NPD wound. So they have to think about how to be and how to interact. They study other people, especially the ones whom they admire, those whom they would like to be, and they copy and mimic what they observe, but they don’t understand what lies behind what they observe, copy and mimic. It’s intellectual information.

          They have these mental lists of what to say and do in different situations. They update and add to them as they gather more information on how to be human – such as when you mentioned that your friend never cried when speaking about the things which she was talking about. She didn’t know she was supposed to cry until you told her she was, then she did. That’s how narcissists learn. But she does not understand why she should cry, she won’t evaluate whether she actually feels like crying or not, she just knows now that when discussing those things crying is something which is expected by others of her.

          It does help to clarify the dynamic of a relationship with a narcissist, to understand their MO, as it dissipates the confusion which they dump on others and makes their illogical behaviour more logical. It also helps to cut those tiny tendrils of connection which keep us attached even though we no longer want to be for our own sake and sanity.

          Shine on, and enjoy your inner sunshine, it’s warm and beautiful!

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          1. I will…thanks…I’m smiling and no one had to tell me. It’s a sad existence for these people but I am learning to not go there (pity them) since that’s what got me in trouble in the first place. I would like to kick her & her parents asses…just once (but super hard) & tell them to f’ off…I can only dream about that one but oh it would be nice. Cut those tiny tendrils of connection…it is happening but it’s a time thing. All of this has taught me that I actually do Shine bright and I will never let anyone take that away from me. What she found attractive in me is that shine…never really knew I had it until I met her. Funny thing is that she was taking my shine but she didn’t have the intellectual information, that you mentioned above, to use it effectively. So it was actually making her into an awkwardly confident, cocky, disorganized version of me. Not impressive. It took me 40 years to become ME, so good luck in trying to decode my behavior, talking, desires etc…fat chance. I’m still trying to figure myself out, so it’s really a fantasy that this can even happen. I’m glad about that as I don’t want a demented version of myself roaming around. I’m demented enough & I don’t need a twin to mirror me, scary stuff. Thanks for your response…just so you know, I am grateful of your time & knowledge. I love that you share and give to others. Great trait with the right people:)

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            1. Thank you πŸ™‚

              I like what you said – It took me 40 years to become ME, so good luck in trying to decode my behavior, talking, desires etc… – it’s very true. When you do or say something, there is a whole history of what lies behind it, all the influences which have shaped who you are in that moment, but it is for our inner eyes only. Others only see us from the outside. It’s like looking at the surface of a lake and being unable to see what lies beneath because of the reflections on the surface.

              It’s interesting to note that those who explore themselves, their inner world, and try to figure themselves out tend to refer to themselves in terms like – demented. Because there is so much going on inside, memories, emotions, feelings, thoughts, constantly in motion, interacting, sometimes clashing, sometimes merging. And when you dive into the inner ocean, you get tossed around by it. Then you surface and look outside. You look at others and they don’t seem to have all of that going on inside, because just like when they look at you, you only see what is on the outside, and we’re all trying to appear calm on the surface.

              Narcissists tend to think that surface is all there is, that it is the reality rather than just one facet, an exterior one, of it. They think that image is everything and don’t realise that image is just image, one slice of a whole.

              I too am grateful for your time, what you have shared and given to me too. Interactions always flow both ways.

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    2. Brene Brown is blurbing the memoir/”self-help” book of the biggest narcissist I’ve ever known. Having known this person, it’s so obvious to anyone acquainted with narcissism that this woman is a narcissist (as many have pointed out who have observed her behavior over time). I have to wonder: is Brene Brown oblivious? or does she just not care? or does she think it’s somehow useful to “support” her? or maybe just harmless? maybe she’s getting paid for it? It’s weird. It’s also weird that this particular person wrote a “self-help” book. All of this makes me suspicious of celebrity culture.

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      1. I don’t follow the work or recommendations of Brene Brown. I know of her, her work, and she seems on the up and up, and inspires many with what she does. Just as she was inspired by the work of those who came before her. What she teaches has been around for years, in philosophy, psychology, and alternative therapies, she just repackaged it together for the present day, which is a great accomplishment.

        I personally tend to avoid ‘self help’ these days – been there, done that in the 90’s, benefited from it and learned some painful lessons – so I don’t know this author whom you’re referring to.

        It’s healthy to be suspicious of celebrity culture, as it is a ‘culture’ – cultures are cultivated – often by the PR side of the business. For profit. It’s how that side of things works.

        When you first met this person, what did you think of them, what attracted you to them? Did you always know that they were a narcissist?

        What are narcissists really good at doing? They are fairly adept at appearing to be who they are not, at embodying an ideal, a perfect person, a hero/heroine. And we believe their persona (as it plays into our hopes and dreams) up until that point when we can no longer believe it. Usually it takes many hard and painful experiences for us to be certain that they are not who they seem to be and are someone else entirely.

        They have a knack for saying what we want to hear and appearing to be our ideal of who someone should be. We love them until we hate them. When we love them we are blind to all their faults and flaws, make endless excuses for them, are loyal to them, and often attack those who point out their faults and flaws. Once we hate them we think everyone else should hate them too, see them as we see them, and we often forget that we were once deceived by their appearance and their talk. That we were once a believer in the make believe of the narcissist. Our empathy kind of goes out the window.

        My guess is that Brene Brown has only seen the good side of this person. Brene Brown would be a figure of admiration for this person, would be someone they want to impress and whom is useful to them, therefore when this person is around Brene Brown, they would be on their best behaviour. When a narcissist is on their best behaviour – it is very hard to see through them.

        The book which Brene Brown is promoting may be inspirational, Brene Brown may have read it and liked it, therefore is happy to endorse it. Narcissists are very good at saying what people want to hear, at tapping into the collective consciousness, and they study what is popular, trending, etc. So the book itself may be good, the person who wrote it… may be a fraud. But does that mean the book itself is not going to help those who read it? Hard to know.

        When I was into ‘self help’ and things like that, there were quite a few books which became bestsellers – the books themselves are good – the authors… ?

        What we read… depends on the person reading it, not the person who wrote it. We usually don’t get to know the author up close and personal, so we rarely get to know if they are walking their talk or not.

        Does it really matter if this author is a narcissist if their work helps other people… that is a question which is complex to answer.

        Thank you for sharing.

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  3. So profound, and so insightful how the enemy also has access to the things that inspire us, while distorting and bastardizing them as a means to steal our joy.

    Some share this world and their lives…others steal, kill, and destroy.

    Great stuff!

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    1. Thank you very much πŸ˜€

      That’s spot on! Narcissists are very adept, because they practice all the time, at twisting a truth to serve them. So an inspiring idea becomes a weapon in their hands which they can use against others. They help themselves to all that which self-help offers.

      The good news is we’re aware of what they do, so it’s harder for them to get away with it πŸ™‚

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  4. Brilliant! I’m not sure if I referenced this topic in a blog post, or my manuscript, but today’s focus on self-esteem and self-empowerment is a virtual candy land for Narcissists.

    The fun part is, I knew where you were headed as I read your post πŸ™‚ I suppose that means the student is finally learning from the Sensei, or at least, one can hope πŸ™‚

    I can’t thank you enough for linking to my blog, and for sharing the links to other warriors who have been on the twisted realm of Narc-land. I hope we are creating good Karma and giving people courage. You certainly have done that with me πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you πŸ˜€

      Student!?!?! You’re messing with me πŸ˜‰ We’ve always been and always will be equals sharing our knowledge, experiences and understanding, and letting it flow out of us and to others, and others share their knowledge, experiences and understanding with us. Together we are all learning how to master the gift in the curse. The majority rules, but with compassion and personal power used healthily for all (except for Narcissists). πŸ™‚

      Loved this post of yours: http://letmereach.com/2014/01/12/how-your-ego-convinces-you-to-stay-with-the-narcissist/

      Looking forward to your book!

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  5. Very true and very informative. I’ve never had to deal with one of these dreaded people, but I’ve had small encounters. I could see right through their crap and sent them packing. I don’t have time for that ‘holier than thou, i’m awesome and you’re beneath me.’ mess. Go on somewhere!

    I love the usage of pictures too!!! πŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you πŸ˜€

      You have the right attitude! Healthy and full of self respect, don’t ever let anyone stop you from being that way, it’s beautiful!

      And I’m happy to hear you don’t let these sort of people into your life to mess with you!

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