It’s raining today. Cold, wet, misty. The weather reflects my mood, or maybe it’s the other way around. I am melancholic. It feels like a Moon day. A heavy sigh fills me as I realise once again that I suck at relationships with females.
The other day in a comment on my blog I mentioned in a reply:
I’ve realised that the reason I tend to attract female Narcissists and rarely attract male ones is because of my communication style. I feel bolder and thus am bolder around men, more myself. Because men don’t mind directness and if it’s rude as in tactless. Males with NPD hate that. With females I feel less bold because I don’t know wtf I’m doing, you have to be so careful and tactful, so I am more timid and less my natural self, which is blunt and prone to offending women, which leaves the door wide open for a female with NPD. Trying to change this blip.
This morning I got an email from a female acquaintance. She was angry with me. I had upset her. I think she may have even felt as though I had betrayed her in some way. I had missed the cues in our interactions which were pointing out my role in the relationship. I was supposed to be being supportive and sympathetic. Instead I was analytical and logical in my approach.
My foot in mouth syndrome struck again.
This person is lovely and I did not intend to hurt her.
I messed up.
I doubt if she will accept it, not truly, or believe it.
Females are less forgiving than males especially to other females, even when you are genuinely sorry to have caused upset.
I think she would be wise not to forgive, I’ll only end up disappointing her again.
I always end up disappointing the expectations which females have of me in a relationship.
Her upset is justified. She’s right.
But I’m not wrong just because she’s right. I am wrong for her. Who I am as I am is wrong for her.
That is the way of relationships. There are those who are right for us and those who are wrong for us. We hold on to those who are right and let go of those who are wrong. We see the gift in the experience, and are grateful to have had the opportunity to meet those whom we meet, for everyone has a gift or a message or a lesson for us.
I’ve been watching a TV series – Bron | Broen (The Bridge) – in which the leading female character bears some striking similarities to me. She is blunt, analytical and logical. This upsets most of the people with whom she interacts, in work and in her personal life. She is unapologetic about who she is and the way she is because she doesn’t see the logic of needing to be. This is who she is and if people don’t like it they are free to not like it or her.
She’s a role model in some ways for me. It’s one of those moments when you see from a detached perspective your own situation and realise you’ve been dealing with it in the wrong way, and that the right way is being shown to you.
I have spent a large portion of my life being apologetic about myself. Taking every hurt and upset which others feel I have caused very personally. I agree that if I hurt or upset someone I should apologise and try to make amends. However if it is who I am which hurts and upsets them, am I supposed to become who I am not to please them, to make amends, to beg forgiveness, am I supposed to become who they want and need me to be for them, is that the only way they will accept me? Someone who must live in fear of causing them any pain and must watch their every word and action, monitor, control and censor my natural self because others find me unacceptable like harsh sandpaper on their sensitive and delicate skin.
What about me? Is there no room for both of us to be who we are as we are, is only one of us allowed to be themselves and the other must not be themselves?
The person I upset is not a Narcissist, but the interaction did trigger flashbacks connected to my relationships with those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My problems with relating to females stems from that. The very first female role model in my life had NPD, and I was trained to be a slave, servant, and mirror to her. I eventually rebelled and was made to suffer more for it. I had to deprogram myself and learn how to relate from scratch. That entails many mistakes and lessons. I’m still a pupil.
I know a balance needs to be found. I’m not planning on going to extremes. From being overly sensitive to the needs of others and catering to them to my own detriment and self-annihilation, to being a bull in a china shop, so focused on being myself loudly and proudly that I become completely insensitive to others. That’s not me either. I am sensitive, I am teaching myself to be less so, blocking out all the sensory data which makes me lose myself in others, creating healthier boundaries, but I’m not trying to become insensitive. Balance. And adjusting the scales to suit the situation and the individual with whom I am interacting. Keeping an eye that the scale doesn’t tip too far in either direction. It will tip. I will make more mistakes and learn from them.
I sometimes come across as though I am strong and immune to being hurt. As Saga Noren of Bron | Boren said in the last episode which I watched – People sometimes think that I can’t be hurt (paraphrased).
I sometimes think this draws to me people who expect me to be strong for them too, to fight their battles for them, to protect them from being hurt. I shatter their illusions by showing that I am as fragile and vulnerable to pain as they are. They often hate me for that.
I sometimes think that with certain people, the impression they get challenges them to try and hurt me. They don’t care who I am underneath the impression, I represent something to them and whatever or whoever that is needs to be attacked, made to feel pain, hurt.
I can be hurt, I hurt very deeply. I just don’t feel the need to advertise it or share it all the time wherever I go with whoever I am with. I write about it in my posts, that’s my self-therapy, being open, laying myself bare with rawness. I deal with my own pain, it’s my responsibility, I don’t expect anyone else to shoulder it. I don’t need sympathy. I feel what I feel and analyse it logically in search of understanding.
I don’t need others to understand me. I did once, I longed to be understood and accepted by others, then I realised that caused more problems than it solved or would solve if I got what I yearned for. I needed to give that to myself, not try and get it from others.
However understanding that I am this way would be appreciated. If you understand who I am and what I’m like, then you won’t take me personally, and you are less likely to get upset and be hurt.
Those are the thoughts I had during my cigarette break. I tend to think in shorthand, translating that shorthand makes the thoughts longer than they actually are.