Saint and Sinner

Maria Rubinke

Maria Rubinke sculpture via High Fructose Magazine

When you meet someone new, a breath of fresh air blows into your life. A dance ensues, where you get to know them, and they get to know you. At first it is a festival of likes, and it continues that way for a while, but then the hump is reached, the middle of the week of relationships. The point where they discover some things about you that don’t necessarily fit into their image of you, and vice versa. If the relationship survives this phase then it often goes on to become a lifelong friendship. If it does not survive, then two people go their separate ways, thinking thoughts, feeling feelings, wondering, questioning, perhaps slightly frustrated, and eventually moving on to new relationships.

 

listen to yourself

My own experience of this follows such a set pattern, that I must admit that I have become very fatalistic about relationships.

When people first meet me they never actually see me for who I am, as I am.

Astrologically this can be seen in my natal chart. I have Venus in Pisces, and the Moon in the 12th conjunct my Virgo Ascendent, both of which oppose each other and square Neptune (a T-square). This makes me very susceptible to the projections of others.

I used to see myself as a mirror, and as such felt it was my responsibility to reflect back as positive an image as possible to those who gazed upon me. Which is actually a very easy thing to do. People have many qualities which are admirable, and pointing these out to them is a great pleasure. People love to hear about their inner and outer beauty, and they gain some needed insight and inspiration about themselves, hopefully boosting their self image, and stimulating them to share themselves with others. To pass on the good news. We are all beautiful, some of us have just forgotten and need reminding.

I enjoy this particular trait of mine. It is immensely rewarding to make others feel good about themselves.

But there is a flip side to this, as there is with everything.

People sometimes get addicted to this side of me, and want more. I am happy to give as much as I can, but at some point I have nothing more to give. I am empty. This is when I need to retreat to replenish my energy. To spend some time on my own.

This does not always go down well. People often think that I am rejecting them. I am not, but if they get between me and my retreat, they often come across the part of me which protects my softer side.

My Mars in Scorpio and my Pluto in the 1st.

I can be very blunt about my own needs, especially when I am tired. This has caused people to react very negatively towards me. I realise it is a shock. They are used to the soft pliant side of me, and did not realise that underneath lies a fierce side. The reason I can be gentle is because I know that I can call upon the inner savage should someone mistake the pliancy for weakness and decide to take advantage.

 

nice but not a mat

I have attempted to warn people that there is more to me than they are perceiving, that the pleasant side is just one aspect of many, but people never listen to warnings. Sometimes I get the impression that people expect me to be one thing and never deviate. To choose my role and stick with it. That being nice and being fierce are not allowed to co-exist in the same entity.

Very few people seem to understand that these two sides are both expressions of the real me, as are all my other facets, and that they both exist in relative harmony within me. Many feel that I have somehow fooled them into thinking I was nice and thoughtful, playing a part, wearing a mask, when in actual fact I am mean and nasty.

I have occasionally tried to explain myself, but it is a pointless task. Once a person has made up their mind, they close it, and that is that. I used to be deeply hurt by this. I felt that a large part of who I was, was being rejected. I still get hurt by it, but as I get older, and as this happens so often, I have become inured. After all, it is my fault for being this way.

I have tried to change myself, but I have never been successful in this.

I have Pluto and Uranus conjunct in my first house (if you know your astrology, you know vaguely how old I am, and may well wonder why the hell I’m still such a basket case, except having Fruit Loops (Uranus) and Death Stares (Pluto) holding hands in the part of the natal chart which represents the self should explain that. And Uranus is conjunct Jupiter and trine Mercury, so the insanity is expanded and infects the mind too). Which means that I am ultimately incapable of being anyone other than myself, all of myself, as I am, flaws, faults, quirks, and all. I can’t stand being fake. I have tried. It is necessary to attempt things, even if just once, sometimes twice, but three is not always a charm. Pretending to be who I am not never lasts for very long because I get very restless wearing a skin which does not belong to me. It’s like wearing a woollen sweater which is so itchy, scratchy, and uncomfortable that freezing to death is preferable to wearing it.

 

Fake:real

But I have to say there are times when I wish I could be fake. Someone else. To pretend to be who I am not, or at least to sacrifice most of me and choose to only be the part of me that other people like. If I only expressed my nice side and pretended that that was all there was to me, then people would love me, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the fallout when people find there is more to me than just the one facet.

But that is never going to happen. I’m too stubborn. And, to tell you the truth, I really love the part of myself most people reject. It’s a gutsy, straight talking, fiercely independent, challenging, hilariously funny, deeply pondering, extremely sensitive, imaginative, and many other delicious things I adore part of me. It is the part of myself I like and love the most.

I don’t expect people to like all of me, in fact I don’t expect people to like me at all, and I am always surprised when they do, but I never expect it to last. I figure that as soon as the first blush of like is over, they will realise I am not who they thought I was, and they will make a hasty exit from the relationship. That’s the pattern.

I used to chase after people asking them what it was that I had done which was so wrong that they suddenly hated me. I used to try and win their love back. Try to make amends for being who I was, by trying to be who I was not to please them. I don’t bother anymore.

 

Alysia Harris

 

 

To embrace all of a person, accepting them as a whole, with the bits you don’t like, is a difficult thing to do, I do realise that. It starts with acceptance of the whole of the self. Once you embrace all of yourself, including the bits you don’t like, then doing the same with other people is easier. It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort, most people just don’t have that kind of time and effort to spare. Life moves at an alarming pace, so it is better to cut and run, than to stick around.

There is a secret I never tell people about myself. It is something only those who stick around are eventually able to discover for themselves because it reveals itself naturally.

 

life with a smile

 

*This is a post I wrote for my tumblr before I had a WordPress… something reminded me of it and since I don’t have anything to say today I thought I’d let the me who had something to say a while ago speak instead.

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38 thoughts on “Saint and Sinner

  1. I call myself an “nihilistic existentialist” – although “obviously” I am no purist and feel wracked with thought, double think, convoluted wonderings how I may be understood – realising that I can’t know… that I can’t even know myself in any definitive sense.

    This fluidity is freeing in many ways… that its fully existentially meaningless in any gross sense – the only meaning being each beat of my heart – each moment of my existence.. each alone and only of itself – pure –

    An existentialist perspective I think is stark and brutal – we as thinking conscious people are maybe blighted in one sense with the ability, or maybe a need, to create narrative context for those things we feel happening to us – outside and inside us – for which we spontaneously create all sort of narratives… we are exquisite story tellers..

    I recognise a lot of what you say – I felt a strong connection to you in the little nice things you would sign off with – I am intrigued by you and enjoy to feel that on one level or another we have found a connection – I am sure that many people here share that feeling… I understand the compulsion too that I feel to have you talk directly to me.. this is an interesting thing to consider as a blogger – the notion that we on some contribute an opinion and then measure it by hits and likes and so on.. I know within myself that I do publish stuff at times simply to feel that I am noticed and do at times feel disappointed when there is no reaction – I think of this as a kind of ectopic nervous system – we send our consciousness out into the internet via semi concrete things like these words then sit back and wait to be felt and responded to by others.. we like this.. it connects us to others something we like a lot…

    We are all here because someone has damaged that thing – that connection to others – someone has gone into that space and fucked it up – smashed some friendships all over the floor and locked some doors switched off the lights and now wait sniggering just outside to listen to you weep.. or shout.. or stomp around.. or sit stunned in silence – they wait and take some satisfaction from any reaction at all.. they brutalise you with even their presence and shout each time you go to open the door – there is a starkly brutal existential reality to this that slaps you in the face every minute of every day your ectopic nervous system is left to wither under-stimulated by your absented social others…

    Your clarity and understanding illuminate these dark places for me and I am sure many others. Your need for quiet is pure and human.

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    1. I sometimes lose my way a bit with my blogging, but I catch myself (eventually) and redirect my steps.

      There are lots of rather appealing psychological traps to fall into in the blog world and other social media similar to those offline only with an added something. I think you’re right, it’s the expediency of reaction to an action of self-expression, we can if the moment is propitious get immediate satisfaction of acknowledgement online which we usually have to wait in line for offline. Part of it comes from talking to the world at large when we talk online, which means there’s always someone who is awake somewhere, surfing, searching, and who might be listening and hearing.

      I have to say I don’t pay attention so much to ‘Likes’ – I do appreciate them and the time someone has taken to press the button, mostly because I don’t give them out that much – not being stingy, just I forget to do it because I get caught up in what I’m reading or viewing and it usually sparks ideas and internal conversations and I go off on an exploratory tangent. So I apply to others what I apply to myself.

      Your blog doesn’t have a like button or a follow button, does it? I’m fairly certain it doesn’t or at least if it does I’ve missed where they are. I’ve bookmarked your blog and placed it in my fav blog folder for easy access. My reader is beginning to look like my tumblr dash and Twitter TL which is stream of consciousness live-streaming constantly and my mind can’t always keep up with what’s happening and what is being said and expressed.

      When I write a post it is for the most part a conversation which I am having with and to myself – I am my target audience. And I’m not always paying attention or listening which can be annoying and requires repetition – so if you see several posts where I’m repeating myself, that’s me trying to get through to myself and figure something out.

      If someone reading one of my posts thinks I’m talking directly to them – and I experience that in posts written by others and enjoy the post more because of it – then there is a connection made. There is a similarity found between souls. Either an experience shared, a life story running parallel, a merging of traits due to sharing the trait, sharing a style of thinking, feeling, living. It’s exhilarating… it can also lead to frustration if later on the connection is broken somehow – such as reading a post where you don’t connect with the writer at all and you feel the broken connection personally. There are variables, and a lot of it depends on what sort of nourishment you’re seeking and finding.

      Human interaction has a nourishing dynamic to it.

      If I’m replying to a comment, then I am having a conversation directly with the commenter 🙂 and I absolutely love this side of blogging!!!

      I used to be rubbish at replying to comments, I felt awkward and a bit self-conscious which might have confused people who had read a post where I was being open and direct and seemingly unselfconscious.

      Blogging is as complicated a relationship as all other relationships. The one the blogger has with their own blog, and with those who interact with the blog and also how those who interact with the blog interact with it.

      Okay… I’m confusing myself now 😉

      Nihilism always reminds me of The Big Lebowski. Love that film 😀

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      1. That site I guess is not a blog so much as it is my flying logbook.. so my entries are records and not up for opinion or discussion – its a self hosted site that just so happens to use wordpress to make it easy…

        I have another site on wordpress.com which is a blog – it started again as a therapeutic kind of appendix – or a way to collect and expel some of the frustration of some of the things that I encounter as a cyclist.

        http://silkred.wordpress.com/

        I had noticed that I was suffering from PTSD – or – I was having uncontrollable revisualisations of events where often they would escalate in their violence – I found this disturbing and so started to write out the experiences…

        In an ironic twist I now write about my experience with narcissism, again to write out the thoughts and get rid of them from my conscious mind.

        The act of writing for me is a little like expelling bad feelings – articulating them and then knowing they are placed somewhere, seems for me at least, to quieten the PTSD repeating revisualisation thing quite efficiently.

        I now start to see the mechanisms of narcissism in all sorts of places. In my blog I start to explore the parallels with drivers and how they behave with cyclists.

        I see a link equally with Israel and how they behave with the Palestinian people, I made a comment today on the Guardian voicing my feelings there.

        In a way narcissism has become a common thread linking a number of things I find curious in my life.

        Even my absented wife, this part I find most shocking, but I think she is a narc’ too – I have just not noticed after 20 years but when I take myself home to a family house now, without a family in it.

        Somewhere in the middle east she sits with her computer attempting to control my behaviour, watches me online, and will punish me for having friends she disapproves of. You for example would not be approved of.

        I can’t quite cope with this last insight, have not been able to begin to explore it in my mind, keep telling myself I am making it up and pressing it so it fits in this new box I have found labelled “Evil Narcissistic Bastards”

        Now I am in a way talking to myself – making noise – feeling surprised I even made these words.

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        1. Aha! That explains it completely! The website thing. And thank you for the link to your Wp blog. I shall ninja-surfer-lurker explore it when I do that sort of thing which is usually in the owl hours when I know I won’t be distracted by an interruption and can concentrate in silence.

          There are several stages to dealing with a relationship with a Narcissist – doesn’t matter what kind of relationship and experience. Expressing the rage is vital as it helps to clarify confusion and release physical/mental/emotional/sensory stress – the elements which cause the PTSD. It is best done in a way which is open as then you are acknowledging it – very important as the Narc’ denies your version of reality and tries to force you to do the same and accept their version. By stating your version, side of the story, your feelings thoughts, etc, you release yourself from their hold over you. It’s basically claiming back you life, sanity, and everything else they tried to steal from you.

          And yes, it’s like pink elephants – you know the game of saying ‘Don’t think of pink elephants’ and of course it’s nigh on impossible not to think of them once they’ve entered your conscious mind. Once you notice NPD traits you begin to see them everywhere. Narcissism is everywhere as it is a human trait, which has been encouraged by our society over the past few decades. Celebrity culture, consumerism, corporate ethos, etc.

          Not everyone who is narcissistic has NPD. We can all be narcissistic, sometimes it is actually beneficial to be that way, but being narcissistic is just one of many ways of being and we fluctuate and flow. You’ll see a lot of Narcissists on Social Media, but they don’t necessarily have NPD, they’re just using that trait in their Social Media, because it sort of comes with the territory. You can check to see if a suspected Narcissist has NPD by either interacting with them or watching their pattern of behaviour, such as how they treat other people. Most people who are Narcissistic are not consistently that way. Those with NPD are. They are stuck in one form of behaviour and you can predict it better than clockwork. They do not fluctuate or flow and tend to be very stiff. They are stagnating and it smells. They do the same thing over and over and over again ad infinitum. It’s the OCD of NPD.

          You’re not the first person who has said that to me – that someone they think is a Narc’ would not approve of me. Come to think of it I get that a lot. Hmmm. I see it as a compliment ’cause if a Narc’ doesn’t approve of me, that’s a good thing as it means I’m making progress – as in being unattractive to them. Growing up with Narcs you learn certain skills… I’m finally figuring out how to use those constructively. 😉

          Narcs like to obsess and stalk those who are beyond their control and who can’t be censored. This is not as bad as it appears to be, and takes a bit of mental re-jigging to see the good side of it. Once they realise they’re never going to get control of you or be able to censor you, it drives them effing nuts and they try harder. You have to gird your loins and plow on regardless using their staking behaviour as a negative muse to keep going and doing what you’re doing, you’ve found their weak spot. It might sound twisted and counter-intuitive, but it is a quicker way of confronting and sorting out the PTSD. Took me ages to figure that out because I would retreat rather than push myself forwards. It’s a bit like an unstoppable force vs an immovable object paradox. You have to be more determined than they are, it’s a great workout for the inner muscles. They will run away and find another victim (sorry other victim) eventually. They might try again with you, but you’ll soon come to represent something too stressful for them to handle and better avoided – or at least that’s the objective using negative reinforcement.

          I’m still at the experimental experiential stage… work in progress mistakes may occur very regularly 😉

          Screw them!

          You’re awesome and you know what you’re doing even when you don’t think you do, so trust yourself, and be gentle and kind with yourself, but ruthless with those who show no respect for you 😀 It’s all about balance!

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        2. I think your blog is wonderful, very poetic and insightful… LOVE the cyclist juxtaposed in a philosophical way to other aspects of life and psyche!!! Thank you for sharing 😀

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          1. I like that you find poetry in my words – I like that a lot, sometimes I feel that I am a little strange to let out the things that maybe others keep in – but feelings and thoughts are interesting to be revealed.

            For me I think it gives them life a little to let them out into the world woven a little into the words we choose – I think maybe however that this is something of the reason that I became a target of the loser and his cohort of weak minded sidekicks.

            Seems my freedom with my opinions became the grit that lead to my expulsion from their world…

            You know.. one of them came to the pub the other night – we pilots are in the habit to meet each tuesday – one of the loser protagonists came alone – not with his cohort as they usually do… not protected..

            This is the one who wrote to try to disturb my summer holiday last year and sent abuse to my website via its search field… he is a nasty aggressive man – on probation because he physically abuses his wife…

            It was interesting that he would think it ok to come – I think within their clique they are happy that their abuse of me is accepted, condoned, yet alone among those I see in the real world in person and can think of as my friends but between who we do not discuss the happenings of the last year – among them he was shunned a little – sat with nothing to say… made no remarks as he would always online – embedded with some dig at me or other.. he was made mute.

            I was thinking that this is the likely endpoint for all these abusive losers – in the end the others don’t overtly help me but consciously or not they can feel what has happened and understand the commerce of the abuse – they feel a little my pain and have an opinion on their actions…

            Moments like this kind of give me strength in my heart to know that I need not make overt displays of indignation to inform the group what has happened – they already know… my strength is my ally in these troubled times..

            Seeing this nasty man sit and have nothing to say – uncomfortable in the presence of the abuses made between us gave me great strength inside me… I am not happy that he was uncomfortable – I am not vindictive – but I am happy a lot to have felt my strength…

            I found poetry among that moment, in the beating of my heart…

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            1. You are a very poetic soul with beautiful and inspiring vision, and I’m very happy you’re sharing your ‘strange’… truth is we’re all strange and experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings, as being strange to others, which is why so many people don’t share how they think and feel.

              Being human is being a paradox.

              Thing about situations like the one you describe is that those around you who have witnessed what has happened to you, have absorbed what the narc’ and his cronies did. They may not have defended you or come to your aid – self-preservation and knowing you were strong enough to take care of yourself – but they were not oblivious to it, may regret their tacit behaviour, were affected by it and felt for you. They saw what happened and whatever they thought of the narc’ and his cronies before the debacle… they now think something else based on what happened. If it happened to you, it can happen to them. No one likes bullies, no one likes people who gang up on others especially when it is a group against one person.

              However when you were loudly defending yourself, people stepped back, they didn’t want to get caught in the middle. Now that you’ve stated your position and had stepped back yourself, the others can step forward in silent support of you because you are no longer viewed as a threat – as in potentially dragging them into the fray. The Narc’ and his cronies are viewed as a threat – if they’ve done it once, they’ll do it again and everyone is aware of this.

              They know you better now and they know the narc’ and his cronies better now. Time is a leveller, a revealer and… reminds me of something my father used to say – Sometimes you just have to sit on the bank beside the river and wait and watch (he would then add – for the bodies of your enemies to float by).

              I would say that your group is impressed with how you handled a very difficult situation and appreciate the way you are continuing to handle it. I imagine they may be in awe of how it has changed you in a positive way and given you an aura of strength, a certain indestructibility and great resilience, which they may have underestimated before this. You have inspired them in a subtle and lasting way.

              Have you watched the series – Suits. It gives a well-written and acted insight into dynamics of interaction and power games.

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              1. I have heard about it – but don’t have a service to deliver it with… however Ill try and watch – sounds interesting…

                The Secret History – Donna Tratt had some of the same dynamics of power and in a group – I empathised strongly with some of what happened in that story – which was why I read it in the first place – it had a light subtle touch… I liked it a lot..

                Your words to me make me feel great inside – thank you – understanding the dynamic of my night in the pub too – that sense for being understood is a powerful one… the sensation inside me was a little euphoric…

                We try hard to get through this disaster area – I had been toying with all sorts of ways to make visible how I felt – there are a couple of instances of communications of mine out in the world at the moment that are being ignored via their fallout… I find it frustration to have manifested examples there to see – for others to see…

                but I am getting over the notion that anything done would be useful at all – the insight you help me see is that I need to be seen to be in control – not volatile – to be able to access the quiet internalised support of others, to give them a chance – a safe place – this is a valuable insight indeed…

                I had taken myself to a place where I felt I had lost everything anyway so acting out and smashing stuff all over the place would at least make it clear that I was affected – I want that recognition – but I think I come to know that its not going to come – not within the group… I have to let that go..

                letting go of this desire for retribution – I can feel the energy ebb away a little – I am less angry so easily – less tense inside me – muscular teeth clenching tension – its followed me for a while – but I feel it loosen… its a nice languid feeling to take into the weekend……

                🙂

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                1. Expressing rage and frustration is necessary and healthy, but it’s healthier and more productive not to get stuck in it – or you end up like turning into the monsters you are fighting because that’s exactly where they’re stuck, pressing repeat over and over on it.

                  So, you express it and let the expression carry you to the next phase – like flying using thermals and other technical natural thingies of which I know nothing about 😉 but you do so… like overlapping cycling and philosophy/psychology… apply what you know about flying to it too. And cinematography!

                  Everything we know… it flows into everything else and leads to more knowing. Seeing the connections between all the lives we live within the one life shows us the unity and flow of it all.

                  Suits… I’m cheating and have the DVD of it, as I missed it when it was on Terrestrial TV. The writers are superb as are the actors, but the writers are more important… I’m very fussy about TV shows, I become very bitchy (and impossible to watch a TV or film with) when it’s formulaic in a zombies painting by numbers way.

                  And yes I do watch too much TV and film… it’s my social life. It’s a very entertaining social life as you can behave very badly and ‘mute’ people when they’re talking too much, walk out of the room, and all sorts of social faux-pas 😉

                  Loved the way they ended the latest series of The Bridge!

                  My mind is all over the place, more so than usual.

                  What was I actually talking about!?! Oh yes, the expression of rage and frustration and stating your side of the story – you’ve done that, the others know about it, by moving on to the next phase you show that you are the logical and reasonable one, this allows other people to assess the situation and recognise the real culprits – because the real culprits are stuck and you’re not. There is value in rant and more value in moving on from rant in a cool and calm way – people notice, consciously and subconsciously – as it is part of the narrative.

                  Like with a TV series or film, but more so with TV… if we’re subjected to the same thing over and over we zone it out and get bored, but change it up, keep it evolving with the viewer and the viewer is engaged and keeps watching with interest and awareness.

                  😀 not so all over the place as it seemed!

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                  1. yes I liked the bridge a lot the ending was very good…

                    I wrote you a long freely thought reply and inadvertently lost it.. I feel a little sad to have done but will find other words at other times..

                    there will be more storms and no flying this weekend – so I will have plenty of time to think of a few more words…

                    🙂

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                    1. I’ve lost a few comments along the way, perhaps this one was not meant for me but for you and that’s why it was lost because the person who was meant to read it also wrote it. 🙂

                      And if you find the words again, maybe they’ll reveal a little more to you.

                      A while ago my text software decided to glitch and delete entire segments of posts… but I still heard the words which were deleted and I heard the sound of them being deleted and understood why. Some things are only for our ears and eyes only.

                      Storms both metaphorical and literal!

                      This weather is wild, perhaps it wants us to connect with our inner wilderness. I’m selfishly pleased I don’t live on the coast at the moment, very beautiful but also very predictably unpredictable, and I’m very relieved the drainage ditches are still working around where I live because this rain is brutal!

                      I’m not going anywhere… for now… so anytime you’re ready to share 🙂

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                    2. I think you are right – I was swimming in a strong mix of emotions while writing and my words went in a peculiar direction… I was even surprized… I made thermalling and orgasms something of the same thing… 🙂 maybe its just as well those words are now simply memories… 🙂

                      This notion to return to the conundrum of expressing anger when it relates to, for me, the social destruction wreaked by the loser narc’ – in the last days some visible things in public that represent to me manifestations of his narcissistic warping of my world…

                      I found I was angry – and wished to articulate how and why – but in the end I chose not to be explicit fearing in a way that to do so would backfire as it has always backfired..

                      Anger has not worked for me in any positive way – articulating why I am upset just sounds too complicated – in the end I was left full of its energy… feeling it has nowhere to go leaves you feeling helpless, what follows is the darkness of depressed feelings…

                      Its hard to resist wishing to stomp about where stomping is a demonstration of these emotions displaying in the hope someone see and will respond – provoking this response feels futile… this energy inside is like a tempest – it cant be good for you.. not healthy..

                      The feeling of being controlled – being limited by them and coping with the intransigence of the wider group its insufferable at times… its simply insufferable

                      So its not so difficult, maybe, to think that while so full of energy.. reflecting on poetry.. so your remark about thermalling sent me to explain that it is a thing you can do with feeling alone – kind of outside the mechanics of consciousness.. and so my words then departed.. taking a life of their own… 🙂

                      Later I go to see – Dallas Buyers Club – at my favorite little cinema…

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                    3. Anger, when you take away the label and all it signifies personally and socially, is just energy. It’s a strong and powerful energy. It’s one I quite enjoy because I can be very lazy and it wakes me up. Channeling it is key to how it works – positively, negatively and in between the two. And your flying experience is useful for that.

                      When a friend of mine is struggling with anger – which humans often do – I tend to encourage expression of it as suppression is like a scorpion stinging itself. There are many creative ways of doing it which aren’t destructive. Which release and clarify without needless death or injury 😉

                      I usually get my angry friends to first scream – just physical screaming. Although that usually ends in laughter because people are not used to doing it and they get very self-conscious. Also… I live somewhere where no one can hear you scream – sinister (dum dum dum). Screaming in anger is like crying in grief – it’s not emotion with intellect, it’s physical stress which needs release, afterwards intellect can be applied if needed. Sometimes the body just needs stress release and it sorts itself out afterwards.

                      Equating orgasm and anger is actually spot on. They are both primal urges. Humans need to respect and understand the primal side of their nature. Lots of complications unravel in a clear manner when that happens.

                      Why does cinema so often equate grief with sex – as in a character is overcome with grief/rage, expresses it openly with another character, and the next minute we have to sit through a sex scene between two actors who aren’t having sex at all and it shows 😉

                      Stereotypes and cliches which filmmakers use abundantly do have some basis to them. Have you ever studied Chakras – not the new age version of the system but the actual original idea of them? Very insightful. Men in particular are tuned into the ‘root’ chakra.

                      What it sounds like you’re wrestling with is similar to a paradox found in blogging – the posts which we personally think are brilliant are often the ones which no one else appreciates, and the posts we think aren’t that great… others often think are good. What hits home for us is often too personal and unique to us. So your justified stomp expressing your existence and right to be is someone else’s noisy upstairs neighbour who is intruding on peaceful time found in a chaotic world. Your stomp is their chaos. Their silence is for you their denial of your right to exist. It’s a tricky puzzle.

                      Sometimes it helps to realise that the satisfaction we are seeking outside of ourselves can only be found within ourselves in a very private place.

                      Enjoy the movie… I’ve only just heard of it, no idea what it is about but it’s supposed to be excellent viewing!

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                    4. This is where writing is useful – it is a place where you can put those things left inside you, the cycling blog was just that – and now is again for other things..

                      Becoming a place where I could put experiences that previously had festered and become a little like PTSD – vapid involuntary replays that for me would increase in violence each time… writing them out, putting them somewhere seems a good way to purge them from your system.,,

                      Some years ago I would practice Kundalini Yoga – I had a beautiful teacher who has since left – the peace of that time, it is still inside me..

                      at one moment in hospital when I was I think very close to leaving – I remembered a yoga class and was able to relax enough to keep breathing……

                      even remembering that moment makes my heart beat faster….

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                    5. Writing clarifies by making solid what is abstract and giving a clear panoramic perspective on a landscape which may have been hidden under the mist. It’s an evolving process to review a past event, each time we recall a memory we meet with ourselves in the past, and we are shown what perhaps we missed at the time… the mind is a vastly shifting place with many unexplored areas 🙂

                      Yoga reminds me of GTA 5… at least right now it does. Do you ever play video games?

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                    6. I used to but no – I don’t – Im interested to know the connection between yoga and GTA…

                      I have been in the GTA universe only a little – and struggle to see the connection to yoga – especially when the memory I have – the one I alluded to above was me laying on the floor after the class – deeply relaxed – my teacher started to chant/sing and I experience her fully synesthetically as an eruption of colour… one of the most beautiful moments of my life…

                      do you play GTA5 ? I understand you can engage in that place freely – I would be curious to know how you do…

                      🙂

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                    7. Sorry about that, I went off on a silly tangent, my mind is very distracted at the moment, a little bit more than usual. I didn’t mean for my remark to take anything away from the wonderful yoga experience which you had and shared. I’ve never actually tried yoga, not properly in a class with a teacher, but I know that it is holistically very beneficial and a deeply moving experience. It’s breath in touch with body, energy coming alive and energising every cell and atom of being.

                      Yes, I’m playing GTA5 at the moment, although my partner is doing most of the work when it comes to the missions in the game, if a task is timed or requires too much precision I tend to throw the controller on the floor, stomp out of the room and claim loudly that the game is crap (not really, what I actually do is hand the controller over to my partner and watch him ace it and whoop when he does). My area of gaming expertise lies in delegating all the hard work to my partner 😉 and I get the fun easy work of roaming freely around the game’s massive world and doing silly things which usually ends with the character dying.

                      There is a mini-game in GTA5 which is having one of the characters (you play as 3 different characters) do Yoga – very fiddly and not at all relaxing.

                      The game is visually stunning, almost like interacting with a film, and has come a long way from its origins – did you ever play the early version which was an aerial view of tiny cars and very pixelly? The water effects are soooo realistic. And the characters are hilarious, especially Trevor who stepped out of Breaking Bad.

                      It’s great fun and it’s my social life at the moment as I don’t own a boat or even a lilo and my Wellies have holes.

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                    8. Thank you but no need to be sorry, I was interested in your connection – wondered how you interfaced with that game – but did not see your association as a slight in any way.

                      I remember that moment in particular because I once had a pulmonary embolism as a sort of tertiary result of a hang gliding accident.

                      These things normally kill you outright without debate but mine was only partial – a saddle embolism that caught on the divide between one lung and the other – that saved me…

                      I was shoved about the hospital as they tried to figure what was wrong. Ironically this moment happened when I was transferred to the acute ward.

                      Being transferred however meant that there was a space between before and after. In that space I was not understood, the gravity of my internal world where I was unable to breath and in great pain – the anxiety trying to get attention kind of built inside me till I felt I was reaching a limit.

                      At that moment I remembered the chant we shared in our class – Sat Nam – its Sikh – its meaning is “my truth is my identity” – I would chant this while meditating – and returned to that feeling when I felt myself come to an end inside me…

                      So for me yoga and my own unique experience of it became somehow defined by the notion that it saved my life in that moment – laying on that bed surrounded by people but totally alone… not seen or understood..

                      I feel like this a lot in these days – have suffered from another period of depression where I sense the dislocation of simple community to be a very difficult thing to have in my life.

                      Like being on that bed – in a place where I should be looked after I am feeling that in my life right now… I find my breath shorten and the pain become transcendent. In all my life I have never been alone, not like this.

                      The loser narcissist can be seen to dance around the feeling of camaraderie and friendship he and a group of the others share. His joy at being among them and their exclamation of their friendship feels to me like a sort of reversed out exclamation of how great it is that the difficulty has passed, that the discord has gone, so to me in my depressive mindset are celebrating that I am not there to make things difficult.

                      I am fully shafted by his clever and devious abuses. There is nothing I can do to make it better. I have reached that end where to draw another breath while I get more anxious is simply impossible.

                      I need the calming memory of all those colours exploding in my mind while my beautiful teacher chanted that day……

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                    9. What exactly are you trying to make better? Is it to recapture what once was? Is the depression linked to nostalgia? The past camaraderie which was such fun and is now ruined because it has been stolen? Do you really want to belong in the world from which you’ve been excluded? It doesn’t sound like a nice world, maybe it was but it has changed and it doesn’t seem to be a place which suits who you are. Perhaps life is pushing you forwards, out of one door and beckoning you to choose another door, one which offers a new world to enter and new camaraderie. And the pain you are feeling is that of holding on to the past trying to drag it into the present and force it to be the future. Perhaps it’s time to let go of the past and take a leap of faith in yourself in the present and into the future.

                      So how come you no longer practice yoga with that teacher? Or do you? From the way you speak about it, it sounds like something in the past, why not make it something in the present, a new experience, a new teacher perhaps, and a new group with which to explore belonging and being and breathing. Perhaps by joining a new yoga class you will meet people who open a door for you into a world in which you will be included, welcomed, and which will suit who you are now.

                      Have you ever done your natal chart? Or does astrology seem like mumbo-jumbo to you. Because this sounds a lot like a transiting Pluto/Uranus square scenario – radical transformation brought about by trauma.

                      You’re shedding a skin, it hurts, chafes, and you can feel each rip and tear, the new skin where it is revealed feels fragile and exposed, but once the old skin has fully been removed, the new skin will become strong in the fresh air and light of day.

                      Trust the process, trust yourself 🙂

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                    10. you understand this very well – deeply…

                      it takes time – I am taking that time – its hard – very hard at times..

                      Stardust
                      http://www.amazon.com/Stardust-Penguin-Press-Science-Gribbin/dp/0140283781

                      this book contains the insight that I would use to discus astrology or religion with anyone interested..

                      I find the ideas really quite romantic in a unknowably direct way…

                      then this one to get some scale…
                      http://www.amazon.com/Atom-Single-Oxygen-Journey-Earth/dp/0316183091

                      then let your imagination wander in wonder at every atom in your body… where its been and where it will go…

                      while astrology talks about planets and alludes to our connectedness to the universe its happens for me to be literally true that you are made of stars…

                      you were forged in maybe 4 supernova explosions and each atom that makes you now today has travelled a unique path through the universe for 13.7 ish billion years – and will continue to be many things in the future… it only visits you now…

                      you are in a sense the brief focus of some information contained in your dna – all so very logical and all so wondrously magical…

                      even our sense for solidity is from the perspective of these exquisite entities an absurdity made of the strange attractedness at the true atomic scale you are hardly there at all….

                      telling you this makes me smile – thanks Ursula.. x

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                    11. I just did not want to say I dont think that way myself without offering something positive to think about…

                      Id never want to challenge those things – thats too confronting and personal I think.. I appreciate that there are all sort of ways to look at the world of which mine is only one.. 🙂

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                    12. That’s very thoughtful, shows an understanding of the human psyche. It also shows a healthy sense of self-preservation.

                      But you don’t have to worry about that particular trait with me as I’m aware of it, and use it as a self-evolution tool – if I take umbrage to something someone says to me I want to know why and I won’t stop digging inside until I find out why. I will also check the other person’s personal motivation and intention for doing so. My digging inside flows both ways, but I tend to be gentler on others than I am with myself – people are fragile and their boundaries need to be respected even if they don’t show the same consideration. It depends on variables.

                      And I love challenges which make one gasp and stretch ones eyes.

                      I see thoughts as oxygen for the brain, the more open my mind is to concepts, the more oxygen my brain receives and which circulates around the pink labyrinth.

                      What I meant by my previous comment was that I already think that way about atoms, and have explored atoms from various perspectives and theories, and I don’t need to say it because it’s clear in everything I say and do – well, to me it is as I’m always saying everything is connected and that the small things are as important if not more so than the big things because they add up. The big things are made up of many small things.

                      And concepts are atoms too.

                      And astrology connects the star stuff to the human stuff, but only if you explore astrology in its more in depth form, like with any concepts, dive deep and there are treasures to be found, skim the surface and you’re just surfing the shallows. Which can be fun, but I’m a deep sea diver.

                      So don’t ever worry about sharing with me, I love that you feel able to do so freely. It’s flow of information and human to human contact which opens doors of perception and heart to heart connection between equals. That’s what interaction is all about, well ideally anyway. Everything is neutral until we colour it and classify it as one side or another. That’s a human thing 🙂

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  2. But that is never going to happen. I’m too stubborn. And, to tell you the truth, I really love the part of myself most people reject. It’s a gutsy, straight talking, fiercely independent, challenging, hilariously funny, deeply pondering, extremely sensitive, imaginative, and many other delicious things I adore part of me. It is the part of myself I like and love the most.

    I would just say. Be Yourself, those who mind, don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

    I also think that part of you is your true authentic self, your bottom line and people who love and accept all of you are going to be fine with it. You are a Capricorn after all. This is your divine essence.

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    1. I like that quote, the only argument (natal Mars square Merc is always arguing debate style with everything and Merc in Aqua loves to spin things around) I have with it is that – those who mind make their minding matter to you because they mind even more that their minding doesn’t matter to you so they get pissy and shove it in your face, and keeping shoving it in your face until they get you to acknowledge (out of frustration and wanting to get rid of them) that their minding matters.

      I see your quote and raise it 😉 – “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ― Dr. Seuss

      I’ve always been myself. I’ve always had a very solid core self – someone once referred to it as a rod of steel. It annoyed the green eggs and ham out of all the adults in my life when I was a child. Adults do not like it when a child is definite and defiant with it. That’s why I was called a spoiled brat. Because I would say ‘No’ when I was supposed to say ‘Yes’, and I refused to do things which I did not agree with, and I knew what I liked and didn’t like.

      However I got lost along the way. My real self didn’t go anywhere, I was always there inside but I came to see my authentic self as such a causer of problems and as a ‘bad’ thing, partly because the N’s in my life kept telling me it was, and partly because when I expressed myself as is it brought down so much sturm und drang from others that I thought it would be better to be someone else, someone who wasn’t me, at least on the surface when with others.

      You know the sort of complication conclusions we draw due to having the confusion of others dumped on us and then absorbing it as our own.

      I basically left my authentic home and went on a tour of the world of other possible selves and eventually returned home and wondered why I’d ever left – to find out that home is where the heart and soul and everything else is, and to learn to appreciate me as I am as is, no preservatives or additives or sugar or whatnot added. 🙂

      Being with people, like you, helps me to keep being openly authentic rather than going covert.

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      1. I understand that journey all too well.. I can really relate in the loosing of self along the way. I had a sense that from age 6 or so I started to disappear more and more in response to not being seen and being left alone with very confusing events happening all around me. Of course i hadnt gone anyway, really I was hiding and confused as all hell as to who I should be, and there were no places to go with what I was suffering so i tried to cope alone and found a way to disappear or go to another place with drugs and alcohol until that got too painful to do and thus found recovery which I think is called that for a reason.. we recover what got lost or hidden or uncover and unpeel it layer by layer or spiral by spiral like an apple skin coming off but all the way down to the core. until we are back in relationship with the real self. As I see it we do this by all the so called difficulties in relationships we experience which can send us home if we are willing to take some responsibility for our part in it.

        Its true the real self never goes away, as I understand it, it just gets buried down deep. There is a wonderful illustration in one of Charles Whitfields books on the Inner Child which shows this in a beautiful drawing. I wish I was more technologically savvy so I could link images to my pieces like you do. I seem to hit a brick wall and there is so much daily domestic stuff to deal with in my life that only manage to write a little each day or every many so days and just getting the words of a blog up takes a lot of energy.. but I will be able to refine it along the way I am sure and its baby steps for me.

        Anyway that is off the track. I like what you said cause that quote I used is revealed as somewhat simplistic. I totally get it though.. cause I experienced what you wrote about in your reply to me in the last oh so painful relationship, like I was offending him with my very being and presence… and he minded so very much that it was necessary to change.. (well not really I chose on some level to do that) especially when he would arrive on the doorstep after days and days of cutting off after having left is a storm. . In that time I was expected to have gone over there and apologised having realised the error of my ways. Or he would show up with a letter listing all the ways in which I was a mess or so difficult to be with. I tried to turn myself inside out instead of standing up and saying.. This is me I am who I am if you don’t like me leave. Until the last nasty email anyway enough about that.. it all happened around this time of year and I seem to be a bit of residual pain on the anniversary, though nothing like three years ago when it happened.

        I really liked the earlier quote you had put in this piece “sometimes you’ve got to be able to listen to yourself and be comfortable with no one understanding”. I got a lot of help from the site of Margaret Paul on inner bonding as this is what she says.. when we are tempted to argue with someone’s reality or version of us we are hooked in by a desire for love that has be turned back around, to our selves. Until we get this I feel we can and do become lost in a number of convolutions that end up at a dead end or with ourselves so emptied and exhausted it takes so much self care to come back to life

        I know you get this, having lived a similar experience. Once you get it. then you are home. My sister who had the breakdown and cerebral bleed is a Capricorn and she has that same very strong sense of self. I see it as a indestructible core of truth that wont be compromised, it can make certain people very scared, that kind of truth. Also I think it a very Plutonian trait.. once you have been through these kind of destructive experiences you come out the other side transformed on some level and with anything artificial knocked off or blasted away…… Anyway I would relate the word Authenticity to Capricorn… its a tough, strong energy even if hidden under some other guises or if there are other influences in the chart.

        Thanks for adding more depth to my comment.

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        1. Your comments always add depth to my posts 😀

          To me all relationships flow both ways, and there is a rhythm to the flowing. And relationships aren’t just between people, they include everything, such as our life, our experiences. Perhaps that’s what memory is about, it’s a way to have a relationship with what we have experienced, to collect the things we left behind and find treasures we may have missed because when we were living in the present which is now the past we only had an inside perspective of it.

          We were experiencing life full on, hands on, we’re deep inside the experience, and it’s only later that we can review what we experienced because we reach another phase of human development and evolution where we can take a step back from ourselves and our own lives and see it from a detached distance yet still connected.

          Everything we go through is part of a process which has many different phases that we need to learn by being in it and going through it and emerging and moving on to the next phase.

          So since many people say they knew who they were as small children, then slowly as grew older they lost themselves, and the age at which this happens seems to be similar… that must be a necessary experience for humans. Losing ourselves because we become aware of who others want us to be in essence allows us to see that our version of reality including our identity is not the only one. And since so many people later go in search of themselves because they realise they are lost, that too is a part of the process.

          And we do need to learn who we are to others, through eyes which are not our own. Because we can’t see ourselves from the outside in, and we can miss things which others can see. A good relationship will enhance our self-perception in a painless way. A bad relationship does the same thing but very painfully. They are different experiences of the same process, and the differences give different types of perspective.

          When someone tries to change you and you participate for a while, in some ways you’re trying on a skin to see if it fits, to learn more, to discover if there is more to you than you know… then, once you’ve tried it on, maybe certain scraps fit but the rest does not, and you do change but in your own way not in the way the other person has decided you need to to suit their version of you.

          People like your ex teach you to respect yourself. It’s a painful way to learn it, but pain is a powerful teacher, we rarely forget its lessons.

          I’m really getting to know my Cappy energy and self… and finally appreciate it. I think age has a lot to do with it… I think getting older is very good for Capricorns 🙂

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          1. Beautiful and so insightful. I love what you wrote about memory and trying on different skins in relationship.. you find such wonderful analogies. Being lost and then going on the search, yes.. so very true. big cyber hug to you ((–))

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    1. When I first saw her sculptures, I gasped with delight – they’re macabrely beautiful, deeply poetic and meaningful! This one is my favourite.

      Thank you 😀

      Is the (?) about how to spell commenters? I had that discussion with myself and apparently it’s one of those words which has optional spelling. And I can’t even begin to explain how much that spellcheck red line annoys me… it can be very helpful if I’ve done a dyslexia or typing too fast with neanderthal fingers typo, just sometimes I end up going insane trying to figure out how to spell whatever word it’s higlighting and I forget what I was writing about 😉

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    1. Thank you very much 😀

      I like that – unique philosopher! Haha! I tend to see it more like one of those hermits who wandered off into the wild to commune with the natural world, be taught about nature by nature, got a bit confused, lost, and climbed up a mountain to get some needed perspective and time to contemplate and has spent too much time alone, pondering Zen stories, life, being human, her own navel, and has evolved a crazy wisdom which may or may not be just complete insanity with nothing to dispel it as there is no one else around except nature and nature loves chaos and encourages the wild within to expand without 😉

      Speaking of wonderful posts… I’ve been following your series on Knox/Kercher. I know a little bit about Italy and the Italian legal system and I recall thinking at the time when the story first hit the news that this case was going to be a complex mess that would probably never be resolved. Italy is also in a state of complete chaos politically and has been for a while.

      If you’re interested in exploring the case from the view of the country in which it took/takes place, there is a great series – Inspector Montalbano – in Italian with English subtitles which gives an idea of how things work and don’t work in the country. It is about Sicily which is slightly different from the rest of Italy, and it is fictional, but it does give insight into the Italian legal system and psyche.

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  3. I’ve never been on Tumblr. I registered for Word Press because I was searching the Net for narcissist info and found you. It was four short weeks ago and your blogs are helping me immensely. It was also around your birthday (and I don’t know much about astrology, just a little about the 12 Signs in Western Astrology and Chinese Astrology – I’m a Cap/Snake), and I just knew I had to “follow” you. I think this saint/sinner is your soul sister because I felt like I was reading about myself! I’m so glad and grateful that you re-posted this. I was meant to see this. When my cup runneth over, I’m delightful. When I’m on empty, not so much, and I need to retreat…or recoil in Snake lingo. When my absence bothers people I no longer chase them, call them or send them an I’m sorry or Thinking of You card — whew, thank God — BUT it still bothers me inside a little because I feel like I let them down, so I’m not at the “Don’t give a shit” road yet, but your blog has led me on the path to get there. Thank you!!

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    1. Thank you 😀

      I’m a Cap/Monkey – the monkey part gets me into a lot of trouble 😉 Snakes are very intelligent and a Cap/Snake is a powerful combination!

      Narcissists in particular play the saint/sinner game with people. They cast themselves in one role and you in another. It depends on the type of Narcissist and what myth they’re living as reality. They sometimes will pretend that they are the devil/sinner and you’re the angel/saint who was sent to save them – a bit like Twilight or True Blood. Others will play the – meeting of soulmates – storyline, where you’re both angels brought together by magical destiny. They will often use ‘angel’ or something mythical and magical as a descriptive term for you in the early stages of the relationship. They will also tell you stories of all the demons they have had to fight to find you – the all my exes were psychos tales. They will tell you exactly what they consider to be a demon/psycho and what they consider to be an angel/saint – this is the director telling the actor exactly how to play their role in the film written and directed and starring the Narcissist.

      When you deviate from your assigned role and script they turn nasty and change your role, turn you into the polar opposite and you become a demon/ another psycho who is out to get them and you fooled them by pretending to be an angel so they’re very upset with you.

      They sometimes do the disappearing act/discard at this point. At first it is designed to force you back into the role they want you to play. So you feel guilty/ashamed for upsetting them and perhaps fooling them – even though you didn’t and they did it to themselves due to the NPD pattern of idealisation followed by inevitable disillusionment – and you chase after them to apologise (for you being yourself and human), beg forgiveness (for nothing you did wrong), win back their love (which is not something that can be won), and they play the wounded saint or the sinner who is better than a saint.

      When we’re trapped in the spell of a Narcissist we get caught in their webs of illusion and we believe the roles we’re being given. They tap into our child self who remembers the parent/child dynamic of being a good child or being a bad child, and we’re chasing after our parent to say sorry we won’t ever be a bad child again please don’t stop loving me.

      The ‘Don’t give a shit’ for me is like a protective barrier to stop me from getting caught up in someone else’s drama, someone who usually doesn’t give a shit about me but wants me to give all of my shit to them. It’s a waste of my mortal life and the grains of sand passing through the hourglass of my life, I’d rather spend those moments of my life, that shit, on those who return it.

      I still feel the pull – the I’ve let someone down thing you mention – but now when I feel it, I know it’s a warning. I only feel it with people who are Narcissists.

      With those who are not Narcissists, the relationship flows both ways and both sides seek to work through things and understand that we are human and have everything which goes with being human. There is a wonderful respect and equality and understanding.

      I’m still climbing up a steep learning curve, my blogs help me with that in different ways 🙂

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