anupturnedsoul

Live as if you’d drop dead in ten seconds…

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Ray Bradbury by sigu

“Stuff your eyes with wonder, he said, live as if you’d drop dead in ten seconds. See the world.” ― Ray Bradbury

Leave a legacy…

I’d rather not.

Forget about me… remember yourself.

But the choice is not really mine. No, I know… in theory it is mine. In practice… I could do something worthy with my life, leave a mark, a lasting impression, hopefully one which benefits humankind… but what is that?

cups being filled - bradbury

I read a post the other day where someone asked something along the lines of – If you knew the world was going to end today, tomorrow, soon, what would be the last impression of yourself which you would want to leave with those who saw you before you went poof!

It was something like that and I’d link you to the post as it left an impression with me… but I’d have to find it again and I’ve erased my browser history and part of my mind since then.

And that’s just it… what does it matter what last impression you leave if the person you are leaving it with also goes poof! And besides, they’ll see what they see from their perspective… which may be completely different from yours. And really if we’re all going poof! because the world is ending then surely they should be thinking about themselves, their life, their nearest and dearest, and the lasting impression which they would like to leave… even though it’s totally pointless… rather than thinking about you and the impression which you want to brand into their brain seconds before they go poof!

Why would you want someone to be thinking about you just before they go poof! surely that’s your problem and not theirs… not problem, but… I’m digging a hole for myself, maybe I’ll just go poof! instead.

life bradbury

People who are trying to control our impression of them… leave us with the impression that they are trying to control how we see them.

I know someone who is so incredibly thoughtfully nice… they’re annoying. They’re not really annoying, but I experience them that way. I feel as though they are nicing me to death, killing me with kindness… it’s not really that either. It’s that when I am with them I can’t relax and be myself because I might hurt them by ruining their story and they are trying so hard and I just… I just want to scream. Not at them. So I don’t scream because it would upset them… but that is all I can think about – trying not to scream, or swear, or say something shocking, or anything – don’t breathe, don’t move, don’t speak – because… I kind of get tourettes in those moments.

I wake up each morning surprised that I’m still alive. No reason, that’s just a morning ritual of sorts. Throughout the day I have flashes of – I could die right now. No reason, it’s just a thought which is there in my mind and pops up.

It started when I was almost squashed by a car. I was walking down a pavement, with headphones in my ears, paying attention to my surroundings yet not really there, floating in the world, being in it yet not of it. I stopped at a curb to cross a road, looked both ways using the green cross code without the listening bit, stepped out and… an invisible hand yanked me back by the shoulder. There wasn’t an invisible hand, my peripheral vision spotted swift movement and reacted before my mind knew what was going on. A car had run a red light and was going extra fast because the driver was aware of their action and trying to get away with it.

I thought in that moment afterwards – I could have been killed, end of my life story. Poof! Part of me enjoyed the thought, the other part didn’t.

That incident made me very aware of the transience of my life. Here today, gone today. Squish, splat, poof!

death bradbury

One of the problems which other people have with me, with the impression I seem to give them, is that I tend to live my life as if I’m going to drop dead in ten seconds. The decisions which I make concerning my future, bothers them because I seem irresponsible. I don’t see myself that way, I am utterly and totally responsible for my decisions and the consequences which follow whatever they may be. My regret if I make a stupid decision also belongs to me. Shifting the blame is fun at times, a reprieve from self-blame, but I never believe it when I do it. I prefer to own my faults and the problems they create because then I am also the solution if there is one.

But other people… when you’re living your life in a way which they aren’t living their life, it causes a conflict, a cognitive dissonance. You’re messing with their perception of reality. They want to know why, but how they go about doing that is often aggressive and undermining. Who do you think you are for not following the rules they are following and being like them!?! What they actually mean is – I wish I was as crazy as you are because I’m fed up with following the rules and not getting the rewards I’ve been told I’m going to get for living this way.

Something like that.

Basically people only notice you when you’re doing something which bothers them, either because they admire it and would like to do it themselves or because they admire it and would like to do it themselves but have been told it’s bad and so they want to control you, stop you from doing it because you’re triggering all sorts of rebellion inside of them.

bothered bradbury

Or they just want to control you.

Or… I don’t know… everyone wants to be good, perfect, righteous and right, and is terrified of being wrong, making a mistake, and being considered bad or faulty or flawed in some way.

“If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you’ll never learn.” ― Ray Bradbury

I suppose I can be cavalier about this because I’ve already left a legacy of sorts. It was not of my doing and I did not choose to do so, nor was I asked. My father was an artist and used me as his model. Many of his paintings are of me… yet not me. There was one in particular which also was made into a print, multiplying the image and spreading it far and wide, and given a title which obliterated my existence. It bothered me. That’s me not someone else who isn’t even the same gender!!! Then I realised I was being stupid, really really egomaniacally stupid. Then it stopped bothering me, because that’s not me. It’s not meant to be me, it is whoever the person viewing that image wants it to be, maybe it’s them, or a loved one, or a fantasy.

plot characters bradbury

And that’s what a legacy is, it’s you but not you… it’s me but not me… it is a drop of inspiration in an ocean which flows and flows.

I’m here now. Then I’m gone. Once I’m gone… I’m all gone. I won’t know that I once was. I won’t care that I once was and cared about being. I will disintegrate into atoms which will dissipate and gather with other atoms elsewhere and create another someone or something which will be for a while and then not be anymore, and so it goes.

“It was a pleasure to burn.” ― Ray Bradbury

Kind of beautiful… a legacy of life flowing without stopping until perhaps one day… Poof!

 

ps. Found it! I’m not such an airhead after all, all the time. The post which left a lasting impression – Your Last Impression by Me – Who Am I?

20 comments

  8. i have been a model myself for a realist painter and seeing myself as I am made me think there was no need to leave that legacy on the generations to come, what for? As Virginia Woolf pointed out, another copy of nature is perfectly useless…while creative, abstract thought can lead us far to explore new routes.
    I think it’s a very good attitude to live as though we were going to ddie in a few seconds, it’s like thinking of death when choosing, you go to the essential. The only thing i would like to leave is to be considered as someone who didn’t taint or contaminate others with her wounds, or at least I did my best not to.As plenty of experiences are now gone by for me,I would like to leave a hint of creativity with my thoughts. In that sense you are doing great, I love reading you!

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    • Thank you, and I love reading you too (you would create a beautiful blog you know). 😀

      When an artist paints you, he/she is not painting ‘you’ but the image you have inspired within their creative vision. So it is you but not you. You’re acting as a muse, a conduit of artistic inspiration. And the painting they create becomes a muse for those who look upon it, it is also a conduit of imaginary inspiration. So it is not a copy of nature, it is an expression of the abstract taking form. That painting of you is a legacy, but it doesn’t belong to you or the artist or anyone really, it is a legacy of the flow of life.

      I’d rather people did not remember me after I’m dead, especially those who would miss me, but that is not for me to decide. There have been quite a few people I have wished would forget about my existence while I’m alive.

      You know one of the things I love to see is when I know I have inspired someone to discover their inner muse. When someone finds their words in my words, their voice in mine, their self-expression in mine. That is wonderful, because other people have done that for me, and it is a pleasure to pass it on, to have it flow into to me, through me and out of me into someone else who then passes it on to someone else who passes it on to someone else… that’s life flowing. It is a touching experience of human to human connection and flow.

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      • Therefore consider you have accomplished your mission, as what you do with your thoughts and writing is very inspiring and it has helped me to look at things differently, although I still find very difficult to accept my shortcomings, ie to become a pray for a N. Your writing gives voice to your inner world but it’s like recognizing a part of myself while I am reading it: I do listen tto waht you say also to give an “re-education” to my way way of feeling and most all of to my way of non expressing myself, my joy, my anger or my writing.
        Concerning a portrait as a copy of nature, I was just being provocative towards the choice of re-producing whatever might already exist in nature- you are right the artist is giving form to his perspective of the object or human being, but sometimes I feel it’s just blissful to stare at forms or colours, I love abstract painting, my favourite is American abstract painter Mark Rothko.I love the feening and sensation to get lost in it as in a stream of (un)consciousness..

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        • Thank you 😀

          Maybe you need to look at your shortcomings as talents which haven’t blossomed, as abstract splashes of paint on a canvas which have yet to form an image in the eye beholding them, but once they do they will show you the beauty within them and within yourself. The best art needs contrast – of light, of colour, of concept, no?

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  15. I’ve had a couple of near-death experiences. When they happened, I didn’t feel afraid.

    On the other hand, I sometimes wake in the middle of the night and think to myself, “One day I won’t be here”, and I feel an element of fear. I think it’s mainly because I have children, and because I wonder how “it” will happen. But, the odd thing is I’m never more aware of it than when I wake in the middle of the night…

    I can relate to all of your points, especially that people get kind of pissed when you aren’t living life by their standards. As if you’re crazy for being different, and how could you possibly do that? Then, occasionally, I meet people like you who get it, and I feel an empowerment that lasts for hours, and sometimes days…

    I used to be of the mainstream mentality. I now try to live life in a way that will lead to growth. Of course, I’m still an amateur at it, but the main point is that I’m trying. I think more people should examine their life and decide if they are really living a lifestyle that suits them, or just doing what they do because it’s expected. I imagine there would be nothing worse than knowing you will go *poof*, and being filled with regret.

    Thanks once again for giving me the opportunity me to pause and reflect…

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    • Thank you, Kim 😀

      A near-death experience puts us in touch with something which is beyond our sense of self and takes us out of our day-to-day experience of reality. It shows us our connectedness with all of life including death which is a part of life. It gives a comfort which is infinite.

      What you experience when you wake up in the middle of the night sounds like it is similar to what I feel each morning just before I wake up properly, only I don’t have children so there is no fear for their future without me, which is a stark awakening as you have a sudden connection to what they would feel to suddenly not have you there as a permanent and stable presence in their life. But you can relieve some of the fear knowing that what you have given them in the now is something which they will always have. Your love for them gives them a fertile earth upon which to grown and blossom.

      I’ve never been part of mainstream mentality, which has been a source of inner conflict for me because I really wanted to be a part of it but never could convince myself to do it, but I think mainstream mentality, normal, is more of an illusion that such a thing exists, as I get to know more and more people, I get the feeling we all pretend we are a part of the mainstream because we think that is what we are supposed to do, but everyone is intensely unique some are just better at cloaking it.

      You have a great gift of inspiration and great personal power to make it real and felt by many. Your uniqueness is a beautiful experience for those with whom you share it. Thank you for that 🙂

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