It was morning, and the new sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea

TheHouseAcrossTheEarth Seagulls Earth

“It was morning, and the new sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea.” ― Richard Bach

For two days in a row the crack of dawn was announced by the grinding and whirring of machinery. But what was this machinery doing?

The sleepy consciousness of the human who was awoken by the sound simply asked – Is this a threat I must become awake to deal with or can I go back to sleep?

Go back to sleep, was the answer, it’s just the farmer doing what farmers do.

And so the brain went back to sleep and dreamed dreams.

Then, when the time had come, the human awoke. The noise was still there, sometimes loud, sometimes louder, sometimes off in a distant distance. A soundtrack to life. There, but not there.

I probably should not share what I’m about to share… the mind says No, and the rest of me says F-it! My body, in years spent on Earth is at the age of F-it. Silence and secrecy has not rewarded me with the treasures it promised… blurting stuff out on the other hand… sweet precious release from censored silence.

F-it!

“You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way”.” ― Richard Bach

Occasionally a friend makes the trek to visit me in my cramped rural castle (it’s not a castle, but F-it!). Once a friend brought a skunk… I mean skunk, not a skunk. And although I’m not a taker of drugs, not even legal ones, because my body doesn’t integrate them well, I am a partaker of curiosity, sometimes too much of a partaker of that particular abstract drug.

I took one puff. Felt ill. Excused myself and went to lie down and die.

As I was dying dramatically, I had a moment of hearing every sound in my environment as though it was part of the rhythm and soundtrack of life living itself.

Ordinary sounds which normally I zone out became vivid and loud and rhythmic. Drums beating in synchronicity with my heart which was about to explode and kill me.

It lasted for… I have no idea but I think it was shorter than it felt. I went downstairs, cooked dinner, entertained my guests… yes, there was more than one (for a hermit by nature that’s a mob). The moment of death was over and life went on.

But I never forgot that insight. Every sound is part of the soundtrack of life. Not all sounds are auditory. Some sounds are visual. Each sense perceives sound differently, but they do perceive it. You can taste sound too.

I don’t know if these photographs fit the brief of the Weekly Photo challenge… they do to me.

“We should show life neither as it is, nor as it should be, but as we see it in our dreams.” ― Anton Chekhov

The photographs are silent… but are they? Can you hear the earth beating? The seagulls bleating (or whatever they do)? And the house across the earth field… what sounds are there? It’s not quite Downton Abbey, but it looks pretty grand from a distance and it’s been around for a while, perhaps there are ghosts haunting it… what sound do ghosts make? Ghosts from our past are sometimes louder than the living in the present.

I never got a shot of the machinery which turned the earth, caused the seagulls (earthgulls) to descend in a mob and woke me up slightly because… I zoned it out.

“How easy it is, Doctor, to be a philosopher on paper, and how difficult in real life!” ― Anton Chekhov

ps. Don’t do drugs – read something instead, like Johnathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach or The Seagull by Anton Chekhov.

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31 thoughts on “It was morning, and the new sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea

  1. When humans take drugs like you described it, they try and come more close to the same feelings as we can get through meditation and personal development. Like feel the heart of our globe and hear all the sounds of mother nature.
    Not all take the healthy way to Nirvana.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Irene

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    1. I agree there are healthier ways to connect with the heart of life.

      Books are my drug of choice, as they encompass so many things, and offer wonderful trips of the mind, body and soul. I read a very intriguing book many years ago, can’t recall the title or author right now, which explored how humans came to discover drugs in nature. It was largely conjecture, based on rumours passed down from ancestors, since we don’t really have a firsthand account of the moment when humans found out that plants had healing abilities.

      Thank you 🙂

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  2. you paint that picture well – the sense of sensory unusualness

    that is a beautiful book – the one you end on – I read it for the first time when I was in bed with my first broken leg – for me it was like a dream full of desire.. you are so right – your photos and words so beautiful.. I feel them well today.. thanks

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    1. What a wonderful picture (the 3rd one), Ursula! It’s like sense of touch in a visual frame…I love it, it takes me in a very special place as the Tapies’ paintings do. I work a lot with synesthesia, music and colour, lit..I portray people like this, but it relies just on intuition and there is nothing rational in it, by idea association and this aspect is in common with astrology. I never tried drugs, already beauty and harmony- in music or art or a glass of wine or…:)-can take me very far.
      Chekov is the only Russian writer i love and one of my favourite playwrights, The seagull is stunning.When i was 12 i read Richard Bach’s and i was very moved;you know in Lowen’s book it’s seen as an example of N, he speaks of the seagull when he tries to describe the effort to be perfect and different.
      Thank you Ursula, with you I can share plenty of things which live within myself.

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      1. Thank you 😀

        Bach’s book may be N, but healthily expressed. It’s an inspiring book, the kind which encourages gently and leaves the reader feeling lighthearted. At least that’s how I felt when I read it, which was ages ago. I loved his – Illusions – that was very insightful and made me want to fly a plane. Lowen would probably consider that book N too.

        Narcissism can be found in everything and everyone, especially if we’re looking for it. Narcissism is a part of being human. NPD is different and feels different from general narcissism. Just like we all have egos, having an ego is natural and normal, and it is different from being an egomaniac.

        I saw a very interesting take on synesthesia, a character in a story could see people’s words when they spoke floating in the air around them, and they were in different colours – the character thought the colours told him if a person was evil, good, lying, or being truthful, but later he finds out that the colours have nothing to do with the other person and are due to him colouring their words with his perception of them, thus he was painting their words with his feeling about the person and what they were saying. If someone told him the truth, but he didn’t like the truth, he coloured their words with the colour of lies.

        I loved that representation of something which all humans do to a degree without having synesthesia, yet having it in a sense. We colour people and their words based on how we feel about them and what they’re saying.

        It’s part of the creative act of listening, and it shows the artist and not the subject 🙂

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        1. maybe I didn’t express myself as I should have. I don’t judge through synesthesia, it just happens to me when i listen to music to see colours or to link tase and touch or tough and sound, that’s all. i sometimes close my eyes thinking of someone and many related features appears, for instance i think everybody resembles to a certain material inside, water, grass, wool, etc. or a writer expresses well someone’s way of being;a chakra might appear and a musical note, but in no of the above I use it to judge or know the person. An example is when I am listening to Mahler I see plenty of yellow, orange and golden hues, it’s spontaneous, I didn’t ask for it!
          I have just finished Lowen’s book and i can see myself in plenty of the traits of the wounded N, although I miss several talents which go with the definition:exploitativeness, manipulation, entitlement..But it is interesting when he explains how the child has to deal with pain and his only way out is to deny it, not to say a word about it;consequently anger is a great issue because the child wasn’t allowed to express it. This concerns the child of N but the similarity with the N personality is striking, and the issues of rejection and abandonment lie clearly at the core.

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          1. You expressed yourself very well and what you do with your senses is naturally artistic and fascinating. I went off on a tangent in my reply as is my tendency and when I saw the word ‘synesthesia’ something I had seen and had been contemplating came out in my reply.

            Don’t worry, I did not perceive what you said as judgmental, that is not a trait I associate with you at all (except maybe towards yourself which is normal for children of N’s).

            Of course children of N’s relate to the N wound because our parents tried to give it to us. N’s do that compulsively with everyone they interact with, and their children get it 24/7. They are repeating an obsessive/compulsive pattern, what was done to them is done to others. They’re trying to get rid of their wound.

            You’re not an N, never will be, but you are a child of N’s and that means you’ve absorbed some of the traits, but how you express them is very different from an N. Your experience as a child of N’s makes you fiercely adverse to any kind of manipulation, sometimes to their own detriment because all human interaction has some manipulation involved, mostly unintentional, and since they’re tuned into the slightest hint of it, they tend to shut down, cut off and hide away from anyone who shows signs of being manipulative, even the unintentional kind.

            Have you read Eric Berne’s Games People Play? I may have asked you that before, I love that book! It helped to show me that not all manipulation is conscious, and it showed me my own games. We all play them, even when we try not to (that’s a game too).

            See, I’ve gone off on a tangent again 🙂

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            1. You read my mind, I am so worried these days about how I act, how I think, I am doing exactly what you describe as unluckily I have been manipulated again (N ex friend spreading around false rumours on me, so the final confusion is accomplished and sh is the victim) and i am in very low spirits, I hate the idea I can behave in a unfair way to others. Sometimes I wonder I take too much room in your blog and I say very personal things, but again i find so interesting to read other people comments at the same time.
              I have read Berne’s book and I have found it particularly true, although transactional analysis can simplify reality with the concept of the organigram:), the question is:how much time to we spend playing games? So you find in the middle of a conversation with someone telling yourself, here we go this is the following game..I have just started a book on the enneagram and it sounds quite interesting,weird it says mine is the healer and the artist(where is my art???). By the way, I looked for the Focusing website but I haven’t understood well their concept as all I could scan was a lot of familiar philosophybut I wanted to learn about their method, as you have mentioned it somewhere.Due to my father’s behaviour today I cried my eyes off in my session.Luckily my shrink and you friends are there, because when a family is not a family you run the risk of thinking you are the crazy one.
              Don’t apologize for your tangential thinking, you always have something precious to write, it usually turns out to be a light in the darkness even you didn’t think of it as such.My only regret is that I haven’t met you before, as this summer I was immersed in utter N confusion and all I was able to do was wallowing in it to float and breathe without understanding what was happening to me. Thank you for your presence.

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              1. We met when we were supposed to meet 😀 And thank you too for your presence and for sharing yourself on my blog, it is truly appreciated!

                I studied the enneagram way back in the 80’s or 90’s… can’t remember… I did a lot of exploring of that kind of thing because it’s a great way to get to know yourself and others. However I still to this day can’t figure out which number I am :/

                If I didn’t have a natal chart I wouldn’t be able to figure out what Sun sign I am in astrology.

                I have the most annoying ability to relate to pretty much every trait in interpretations of different systems of personality classification. I usually find it easier to know what I’m not than what I am, but even that changes with new experiences.

                The book Focusing by Eugene Gendlin is small and easy to read and is a good place to start, there are some videos on Youtube with him explaining the system. It’s a very simple system which is natural, which is why I have always liked it. It’s a way to connect with your body and feeling, which shuts up the reasoning mind for a while to hear the rest of you. I find it helpful because it takes me a while to figure out what I’m feeling due to my mind’s habit of gathering different angles of perspective which sometimes obscure my own personal view of something. I use it to make holistic decisions.

                When a narcissist spreads a rumour, it is in part to inflate their ego as they always think they’re more important to you than they actually are, they’re convinced you’re always thinking about them in the same way they obsess about you and what you mean to them. It’s tiresome. The rumour is about their image, not yours. It is also in part designed to get you to react, they need your reaction to them so that they can confirm how important they are to you and feed off your attention. It is best, if possible, to ignore them and their rumour. If other people believe their rumour, those people aren’t worth knowing, not for you. Those people will do more harm to you than good as they do not think for themselves and allow themselves to be influenced by a narcissist. They may be good people, but in this instance they are not being good. It’s their problem, don’t make their problem yours. You know the truth, and anyone who wants to know it can come to you and ask you for it. Let them make the effort, then you know they are worth it.

                When dealing with narcissists and those who listen to them, it’s best to be a bit ruthless. Being anything else ends up with you being hurt.

                My mother’s latest rumour about me is that I died a while ago and someone is pretending to be me. Sigh! What she wants, apart from the sympathy of others for her permanent distressed and caring mother routine, is for me to contact her so she can get her claws back into me and worm her way back into my life (and get her hands on my father’s stuff – which isn’t worth that much but he and everything he owned belongs to her even though he went out of his way before he died to make sure she got nothing. He literally hang on to life for the divorce to be finalised and legally accepted and died shortly afterwards).

                As far as I’m concerned if she thinks I died, this is a good thing, and the people who believe her rumour… not my problem.

                Children of N’s have to learn to develop muscles which they were not allowed to have – being ruthless is one of them. It is used not to harm, but to protect. My ruthlessness does not protect just me, it protects those whom I love and who love me. See 🙂

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                1. Thank you for your reply, it’s true I shouldn’t pay attention, these are just techniques to get N supply, but it hurts.
                  It seems that when we are far from the ideal role they have assigned to us, they make us pay it even in grotesque ways:as in my father’s eyes I am a misfit as a person ( i lost my job) and as a woman ( i am alone and have no kids) he has decided to proceed to boycot my part of legacy as he considers I am already in a grave and the heritage should stay in the family and descendants- my niece, but it’s not worth it to give me anything.I have agreed to give part of my heritage to my sister to buy her a house under the condition that the same amount would have been mine in a couple of years, but in the meanwhile he has decided to change his mind and it’s not necessary to respect the clause. My sister is well aware of this and she’s not unfair, but i see myself deprived of my rights and most of all i see my father despises me with no reason.this is affecting my life and will affect my future too in a material way,as i don’t seem to find a job and i can’t go back “home” as he thinks I don’t deserve to have a life. This hurts me a lot, this is my father, what a relvelation.I have always thought he was just an engulfing father, but both of my parents hated me. To tell the truth, all his plans are sheer fantasy, as it’s against the law, but I find horrible that he wants to punish me that way. I don’t get it, but it must be beacause i couldn’t satisfy his dreams with my life. iam disgusted too with all this money thing as a means to diminish me.
                  And sometimes i think no wonder men don’t want me, my father didn’t either as a daughter.
                  What is your mum getting out of that preposterous lie that you are dead? Again it’s a way to show she is not happy with you being your own person.in my case is very sadistic too, as i do suffer as i am alone and i haven’t got a family but his attitude makes me feel even worse.
                  It must be horrible being a N.; I have been able to understand (I am like you, I prefer understanding to forgiveness) but i can’t do it with my parents as i think they shouldn’t have had children in the first place. I do admire your strength, i feel like dying when i realize both of my parents despised me and didn’t love me, it’s a horrible burden to carry. I cannot find the gift in the curse.
                  You are an example of how a child of N can id of all this, living and loving and being love, but i am very far from it and i begged their love for such a long time in vain, i should have given in earlier and rebel to their folly. i have to thank you from my heart depth for oyur support and words which help me to survive and believe that maybe one day I will be able to live and be myself without hating myself (I am about to start the Rubin book you recommended, it hit home).

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                  1. As you see, I need a lot of training to become ruthless towards Ns, the only person I am ruthless too is myself. How does it happen that instead to get angry at whom showed no love or respect I can be angry only at myself? Sorry for this extra query.

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                    1. Because it’s easier to be angry with yourself, because you acknowledge your anger, because you’ve trained yourself to do that, and because you know how pointless it is to be angry at someone like your father because he’ll deny your right to be angry with him and turn it around until it’s all about him being angry with you and you having to accept it and maybe apologise to him for something you didn’t do and something which he did to you.

                      And somewhere inside of us we’re angry at ourselves for putting up with our parents, for betraying ourselves to have a relationship with them. Of course we were children when that started, and we did it to survive and because we had no other option, but we’re not children now, and the anger is trying to set us free from old contracts.

                      They deserve our anger, but we can’t direct it at them because they deflect it onto us. So it has to be dealt with differently. Use the anger differently.

                      And it doesn’t help that society doesn’t allow children to be angry at their parents even when it is justified.

                      Time to break a few rules of the parent/child relationship. Somewhere inside you’re not allowing yourself to be angry at your parents, so you deflect it onto yourself, and when you deflect it, you double the anger at yourself, because the part of you who loves you wants you to stop hating on yourself!

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                  2. My father used to play games with me similar to the ones your father is playing with you. I eventually gave up and opted out because the game was sick and stupid and all in his mind.

                    Your parents don’t hate you at all, they envy you. For a narcissist this is far worse, and for the child of narcissists their expression of their envy feels like hate, it feels like they want to crush you, then crush you some more, then eventually destroy you. But none of it is about you, it’s all about them and the person they are actually trying to destroy isn’t you, it’s themselves.

                    It’s totally twisted, like everything else connected to them.

                    It is indeed horrible to have NPD, that is why they are so vile to other people. Everything they do to us comes from their core of suffering. That is what you need to understand the most to free yourself from the reality they have sold you about yourself. How they make you feel, think and see yourself, who you are, what you have done or not done in your life, this is not about you but about them and their reasons for it have nothing to do with who you really are. They envy you, your youth, your rebel soul, the fact that you got away from them, that they can’t control you, that you are uncrushable no matter how hard they try, you’re indestructible and it drives them crazy so they become meaner and more twisted with it.

                    Their ‘hate’ tells you how magnificent you are. I know it sounds odd, but it’s the truth.

                    Yes, two narcissists really should not have had a child, I’ve thought that often about my parents, but we’re alive and that’s that, and we survived their insanity and do it with style. And don’t compare yourself to me, I’m a mix of good and bad stuff, there’s a lot I don’t reveal on my blog about myself. Our paths are different, you are strong and beautiful and independent, so see the good stuff too, to balance out the bad stuff. And try to see through what you think is bad, it may just be misunderstood good.

                    Take care of yourself, really good care, capito! You’re a beautiful soul in a chrysalis right now. 🙂

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                    1. Therefore is self-hate related to the impossibility to redirect anger outside? I don’t quite understand how I work, as I am a very compassionate person with people but not with myself, in a way it’s as though I couldn’t forgive myself for failing and you the image my parents projected onto me, i feel guilty for that, there is a part of me which agree with them. I sensed my mother was envious of me, but it came out in therapy as for me it’s nonsensical to feel that way towards me, there is absoloutely nothing to envy; but it is true it happened at work someone hated me for i don’t know what and tried to boycot me and make me lose my job, this is the only explanation but still. The role of a father with a daughter is very important, and he’s the first man to betray my trust just because I don’t match with his projections.
                      I have always been very poor at expressing anger but I can be furious at myself, when I was younger i used to hurt myself, not lethally but I beat myself.It’s very interesting the link perceived by Lowen between being mad at someone (being angry) at being mad, a sort of taboo as once we dare expressing it we run an hypothetical risk of becoming mad.
                      I also differ from my father as my feeeling lonely is not driving me to change myself and adapt as a cameleon to anyone just to win their company, or spending time with someone i am not interested in to fill in the void (that’s what he does with his lady friend). I never used a person as an instrument, it horrifies me.
                      How can a parent be envious of his own child? Answer: it’s the NPD. Using people provide a wide range of applications, which ultimately leads to N supply. Also the fact of being his daughter leaves me with a banal but alarming question:same dna in me..
                      Of course I tell you what i perceive in you though your writing and your positions, how you have learnt to stand for yourself, and it’s a partial view, everybody has her or his own flaws, but to me your strength is impressive, your blossoming creativity, your ability to keep your core untainted and pure where you look at the world. At the moment i am going through a phase of massive distrust and I am scared to death as with my warped back i am sort of waiting for more grief to come, I can’t think life will give me a chance.
                      There is one thing striking me as everytime I am aggressed by my parents I am not even able to visualize positive images, for instance if I wonder what I would like to happen in my life, say to have a job, to meet a man I like for a coffee, instantly it turns out to a negative scenery, as though my subconscious wasn’t allowed to draw anything pleasant for myself.
                      You say we have survived their insanity, but (I judge only myself) at what price, i feel life has slipped as subtle sands from my hands and I have been spending far too much time crying and not grasping what was going on and i am still unable to detach from their image of what I should have been. i don’t have the impression to have a future. And as you so well wrote in your last post, sometimes people don’t take the time to know you, they are not interested and judge quickly from the outside, I am afraid people can perceive me as my parents do.
                      I will keep in mind this beautiful picture of the chrysalis..There is one child book I adore, The story of the very hungry caterpillar ,the pictures are wonderful and it’s very poetic, in a way that only the English can do. Ti abbraccio forte, grazie per il tuo prezioso sostegno. Ti voglio bene. s xx

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                    2. What you are exploring right now is a very complex creation, a knot made of many tiny strands, strands from your mother, your father, other relatives and people you have known, people you do not know personally but whom you know of, celebrities, historical people, fictional characters, everyone who enters our conscious awareness, and tying them all together, creating cohesion are the strands which belong to you.

                      It takes time and patience to unravel and understand. You have understood a lot, and you’re pressuring yourself to understand more because you know that by doing so you will become more who you are and less of who others have imposed as an identity upon you.

                      If someone envies you, it is due to what they are experiencing within themselves. Envy is a very twisted compliment. You have a quality they admire, but they can only express their admiration through envy. Because you’ve grown up with narcissists their envy hurt you deeply because a child takes everything intensely personally. Your child self decided the only way you could protect yourself from the harm they did to you was by eradicating from yourself anything which could possibly inspire envy. You turned yourself into the underdog who had nothing. How could anyone envy someone who has nothing. But your parents still found ways to make your nothing something worth envying, in fact that made them even more envious because they your nothingness is an expression of freedom. Narcissists are the least free people in the world, they are greedy, gluttonous, grasping, needy, and covetous. So someone who presents themselves as having nothing, being nothing and needing nothing is someone who defies everything that a narcissist understands. They can’t understand you at all which drives them absolutely insane, and they want what you have, that nothingness is a treasure they desire and they will not stop until they get it.

                      So your entire life is actually a masterpiece, an incredibly valuable treasure. It’s up to you whether to share it or keep it to yourself. I sense you want to share it, hence all the tremendous effort and work which you have been doing to understand yourself and your life. Can an artist such as you understand the genius behind your work of pure and passionate artistic creation? Of course, but some aspects will remain as mysterious as you are because these are aspects which can’t be comprehended using the intellect.

                      There is a very strong fear all children of narcissists must face and pass through, it is greater than all the other fears, and it is connected to our true self. When we look within to really get to know ourselves, this fear is stirred and this is the battle you are facing right now.

                      Sei incredibilmente forte e vincerài e troverai una felicità profonda in te stessa 🙂

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      1. Dear Ursula,
        Thank you so much for your reply.
        I trust you.
        I mean, I don’t want you to feel it as a burden but I sense you are sincere and you are talking about experiences you have gone through too. Trusting people is not easy for me, so thank you because it’s a deep feeling.
        I have been mulling over what you have said but these days I am in such low spirits that whatever I say or think it seems toxic to me, so I end up in silence and isolated. I would love to understand why there is nothing in my life which works, and for a start I was born in that family and I chose not to rebel at the right time; therapy helps to see but what you see nont necessarily is rewarding or positive;it is just a waste. I know, the gift in the curse..sorry, for a change, I am a bad student, I am not learning to apply the principle to reality. For sure I am not patient but getting old is weird, as until a couple of years ago I did believe things could change.
        Envy; I can rejoice for my friends’ blossoming relationships or new good jobs, this is strong in me, but I sometimes think why I am not normal, I have just managed to survive my mad parents, but what is the point? Where does this kind of life lead me? Nowhere. Being envious, ethimologically speaking means to cast a black look on someone, i.e to wish them dead, it’s dreadful my parents could feel that for their child. They shouldn’t have had children, look at the waste. And a friend who is envious of you?how can you see someone fro whom you feel such a negative feeling? Ok, my shrink friend has NPD, again.
        Sorry I am afraid I don’t get your comparison with my life and a masterpiece, as it is actually the other way round, but if you wrote this, there must be a meaning behind it, that I cannot grasp.
        I am not into materialistic possessions, while answering Proust’s questionnaire I realised I cherich mostly love and the life of the mind. There are no possessions which I find interesting;once I loved travelling, I love the idea of seeing different cultures and people, but I have no money so..it’s over I guess.
        At the moment I feel I have been robbed of my life, I feel empty and poor, deprived of that self love that allows you to survive, I feel overwhelmeed and crashed by the lack of love of my parents, it’s monstrous, it’s against nature. I have been begging for their love all my life, like an idiot and all my relationship with men have been of the same kind.
        My former therapist (the wanky one) used to tell me I lack love, and when you are in shortage of it, you end up like this (mind, he is a N!!!). There is something true about it, but there is also something which makes me cring with shame as I feel kind of deformed inside, sort of crippled, I am lame due to this.
        These weeks I have been paralysed with angst, sometimes I couldn’t even read, I can stare into the void thinking about what sort of person I am and my life empty as an eggshell.
        I swear, Ursula, I tried to do my best to get out of all this but now I feel hopeless, it’s like a corked up tunnel.
        When you talk about my being an artist, I feel you talk about my inner being which has never been able to come out, as though all the evil judgments on my person from my parents slowly transformed themselves into reality as they had cast a spell on me. Ultimately the resposibility lies in our hands and I haven’t been able to choose properly. I don’t understand why I am prey to this terrible fear, maybe it’s because I see my life in front of me as ashes and waste. You mentiooned the fear of the children of N who have to go through it. I am anguished as I feel there is no time to accomplish anything and it’s too late.
        The true self. I finally see myself as authentic but the false self was related to what my parents wanted from me in exchange of fake conditional love. My current psychoanalyst told me that somehow I have been loved as I am perfectly able to love (his words) (ça me fait une belle jambe, personne veut de mon amour!!!) but I struggle to see it in the relationship with my parents.
        Sorry for this rant, but today I am conscious I am writing on your blog, and I feel this might need someone who chose not to contrast his or her parents in their early years, to realise what happens next, you throw your life away. Hey, wake up, don’t do what I did!
        Tu mi vedi forte ma io mi sento allo stremo delle forze e non riesco proprio a veddere la fine di questa sofferenza;se lo dici, c’é una ragione, tu non dici parole vuote. Quando parlo con te, so che tu sai di che cosa parlo perché lo hai vissuto e se sei riuscita a trovare un modo per soprravvivere a questo dolore, e ora riesci a vivere e essere te stessa, allora devo cercare anch’io di resistere su questa forte terra. Ti abbraccio, s. xxx

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        1. The thing which I find most useful when dealing with an issue is to place it like an object on a rotating pedestal and then turn it slowly to view it from other angles, to get a sense of the whole of it not just the side which I am focused upon.

          Take Envy for instance, for a narcissist envy is central to their feeling and thinking, but it is not just about envy in its strongest form, it is envy in other forms too.

          If you put Envy on a rotating pedestal and slowly turn it you can see the other angles which are part of the whole. It has positive elements as well as negative ones.

          It is in the form of magical thinking, wishing for something. An aspiration. The wish inspires.

          When an N sees something they want and wish for, a talent which someone else has, a life which someone else is living, a trait which someone else expresses, they admire it, they want to be that person because that person represents perfection to them in some way, achievement, success, power, and the envy is at first great admiration, but bit by bit it starts to turn bitter – moves from its positive form to a negative one – because they want to have what they admire, they want the talent and life of that person for themselves because it looks so beautiful and precious and above all perfect – they are desperate to become a being who is perfect and admired for their perfection. For a narcissist being envied is being admired. But they don’t know how to get what they want and make their wish come true, this makes them frustrated, they see something, someone, which is just out of their reach and no matter how hard they try, they just can’t get it and this is when they turn nasty. This is when the positive side of envy vanishes into the negative side of it.

          All the traits and behaviours which narcissists have are the same ones that all humans have except in a narcissist they are twisted out of shape because the narcissist can’t distinguish between self and other, and because they can’t appreciate themselves as they are, they can’t accept themselves, they have no sense of self as being separate from others. So they are constantly comparing and it is done negatively.

          When a human sees something or someone they admire, they use the admiration to inspire their own life, they don’t want exactly what someone else has, they want their own version of it. A narcissist wants exactly what that other person has, they want to take it from them. They just don’t get the difference between having and being. The don’t understand that what they see in others belongs but is also their own projection of a fantasy onto others and they can have the fantasy aspect of it by creating their own version of it for themselves, they do not need to take what the other person has from that person. Because they relate to others as objects and things.

          They do this with their children, and pass this way of thinking and feeling onto their children. So their children come to see themselves as faulty flawed objects, because the narcissist parent is constantly comparing their child to other children whom they are idealising, and they want their child to live up to this ideal because they want to be the proud owners of a perfect child because this makes them a perfect parent which makes them envied thus admired by other parents.

          So some of what you feel and say about yourself to yourself is the echoes of your parents’ issues and by going through what you are doing now you are sorting through what is yours and what is theirs. It is very painful, but it is a very necessary process. You will succeed and come out of it a freer and less burdened soul. You’re carrying weight which does not belong to you, and so you have to go through it to free yourself from the burdens which don’t belong to you.

          And this is something which you are ready and prepared to do now because you are in your prime. Your age is your ally. From the age of 40 onwards is a time in life when people are finally able to own their life. To live their life for themselves. That’s what a midlife crisis is all about. That’s what the sudden strong awareness of mortality is all about. That is what the feeling of having wasted your life and lived a wasted life is all about. That’s what the emptiness is all about. It’s a period of self-evaluation where you can assess the past, make changes in the present which will create a future that belongs to you, who you are as you are. It’s a painful and powerful experience which transforms radically through trauma… and also transforms the purpose of past trauma to become the inspiration for the present and future life which will be lived from the core of self.

          So, you’re not a bad pupil at all, you’re a very good one, you’re facing your life, reviewing it, exploring and sorting through what has been so you can embrace all of you and all of you can make decisions about your future. The toxic stuff is not yours, but you have accepted it as yours, and you’re showing yourself how to let it go and stop accepting it. You are the teacher and the pupil, and people like your new shrink are helping you to help yourself. To help you see that everything which you want, is what you already have, it was just buried under everything you did not want but which was given to you before you knew how to say no.

          You’re very much capable of loving and being loveable and being loved. This is natural to you. But first you have to clear the cobwebs away, the sticky strands of all the things which your parents made you believe about yourself – and the way to do that is realising they are narcissists and narcissists talk a lot of merda and they haven’t got a clue about anything or anyone because their eyes see everything through distorted lenses.

          This pic – #3 of the Prison series – is how narcissists view the world – http://www.seankernan.com/#a=0&at=0&mi=2&pt=1&pi=10000&s=2&p=2

          You’re breaking free from the prison they made you live in, it hurts like hell and is frightening because you’re escaping into the unknown and a small part of you is still clinging to the known, the familiar because the devil you know seems safer than that which you do not yet know, but that part will let go because the rest of you wants to explore the unknown world out there. And you don’t need money to do it, you need something which you already have – grinta.

          🙂

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          1. I see what you want to say, I am a sort of stubborn person as to me there is an absolute point of view, ex. Envy to me is negative and that’s it. If I revolve the concept I am obliged to admit there is something to be envious of in myself, which would mean I have a quality:)
            If you say my despair is due to the fact I am breaking my prison free, it means you understand what I am going through more than I do, as at the moment I feel knackered and I perceive life as an inarrestable wave against me, I can’t make happen any change, I have to receive all this but all my efforts are leading nowhere.
            It is true my parents always compared me to other children and of course I wasn’t the good enough one, but I guess they acted in less explicit ways as well, and this imaged of a faultly flawed child has been worked out in every detail, in a subtle and also indirect way, it’s under my skin. I am currently reading Children of the self-absorbed and I have found my mother there, my father is more difficult to identify. It’s dramatic to see I have been unable and blind to see what was happening, I suffered and I was deeply hurt but I couldn’t let it go, and accept my parents’ twisted mind, I rather looked for evidence all my life that I was the one, the culprit.
            Due to my age, many things are not possible anymore:no more family, no children, a qualified job. I have lost it all, I should change my values but I can’t and I don’t find life very interesting, someone who can’t love is like a dead man walking. People are always worried about being loved, but this is not the point. I feel a bit as one of those objects abandoned in the rubbish. And the first one who believe this is my father, my mum did the dirty work to destroy me and he’s accomplishing this masterpiece.
            Being an adult means owning your own perspective, but you’ll always be hurt inside. What scares me it’s the fact that I bought their image of me and I do see myself as that.
            As I see myself as pretty much inadequate in everything, also my creativity lives in the limbo of my thoughs, but I can’t express it, because right now nothing I do is good enough.
            I am also panicking about the others realizing I am damaged, it’s like a sort of madness, evrything hurts and I overreact- by the way, I loved your post on the function of feelings. At the moment I would love to not to feel anything, this pain is unbearable and sucks up all my energy. Thank you for listening to me and explaining it to me, and for your time and energy, it’s very generous of you.

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            1. I’ve been in a similar place as the one you are in, so have many people, in fact I don’t know anyone who hasn’t experienced the depths of despair, been plunged into the inner abyss, but the human spirit is designed to survive everything and we do even when we think we won’t and can’t. Our bodies… well they’re more fragile than our spirits.

              So if others realise you’re damaged… that’s a good thing because we’re all damaged by life, that damage creates the cracks in our protective shells which is how the light gets in and shines through us and out of us. Sharing your damage with others in an open way (not in an N way) is a bonding experience (unless you’re surrounded by N’s) between humans.

              You need to ask yourself questions about how you view yourself, how you view others, and whether the reality which you see is real or just one real facet of a greater reality. This helps to ease the pain and move through it rather than stay stuck in it.

              Being stubborn is good too, you know, it’s an important survival tool.

              Aging is good too, as we age so we become more aware of who we really are, of our lives, and what we truly need, our real values. Youth has its advantages, but it also has disadvantages, everything is a mix and medley of good/bad/in between.

              So many people right now in the world have lost everything, it’s a very human experience. The world as we’ve known it is in upheaval again, like it was when we were children. It feels like the end of the world, but life goes on and so do we and losing everything allows us to reassess what we truly hold dear, and sometimes it helps us to realise what we held onto was not what is precious to us. It makes us take a leap of faith in ourselves and our spirit.

              What you’re going through now is a communion with yourself, getting to know who you really are, the sum of all your experiences and so much more. I know you can see it through all the pain which is surfacing from where you hid it from yourself and others, and expressing what you find is releasing it and releasing you. these days for you are the first days of the rest of your life and you have a whole adventure of life ahead of you… stop writing yourself off… I know it is hard, but what you’re writing off is not you, but an old you, the one who you were, so you can emerge as a new you.

              Trust the process, trust yourself… life awaits and is very patient, so, no hurry. Just keep going and doing what you’re doing. 🙂

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