What Disturbs You?… and other questions concerning things which seem crazy

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Someone recently commented on an old post of mine which was titled – Please Disturb Me – Mars transits the 12th house – and added as a parting shot after getting annoyed with me for not being who they had decided I was and should be for them – You DID ask to be disturbed – as in it’s my fault that they attempted a character assassination of me of sorts because I was myself in replying to them and this disturbed them in some way, they perceived me as an enemy. They wanted me to join them in an Us versus Them dynamic, and since I refused, I went from being a potential Us to being a definite Them.

Here’s the thing.

I grew up in the land of The Crazymakers – Maybe It’s Them, Not You: How to Handle a Crazymaker – this is an excellent article on Psychology Today by Kimberly Key. I was tempted to copy and paste the entire article, but that’s not good internet copyright etiquette, so here’s a short extract, the introduction to the article, and the rest you can find by following the link provided.

“A mother gave her son two ties for an upcoming family occasion. She then got mad at him when he showed up at the party wearing one of the ties. She wanted him to wear the other one.

Years later after the son had grown up and married, he presented his wife with two dresses for their anniversary dinner. He then got upset with her for wearing the wrong dress of the two.

A few years later, after they had a daughter, the wife accused the daughter of hugging the wrong parent first—even if the little girl switched whom she hugged each time.

Crazy-makers come in all shapes and sizes and can have good and bad intentions. Some know they are being manipulative and oppressive while others haven’t a clue. Some engage in tactics consistently and others provide intermittent surprise attacks. The challenge is to recognize the behavior, assess if it’s from a healthy or unhealthy place, and then employ the proper strategies to stay sane and empower yourself.” – Kimberly Key – Maybe It’s Them, Not You: How to Handle a Crazymaker

My parents actually fit all three of the Top Three Crazymakers Personalities – Narcissists, Drama-Cultivators, and Stealth-Bombers – so don’t feel obliged to limit the Crazymaker in your life, if you have one or more than one, to one of the options, just tick all of the above plus added extras.

So…

Disturbed sign

Being disturbed is the norm for me. And the things which really disturb me, well they may not be the things which you usually use to disturb people. Because you’ve found that disturbing people leaves a mark on them, your mark, and that way they’ll notice you’re alive That is what you’re trying to do, isn’t it? Get noticed and have your existence confirmed and acknowledged by someone else. You may also want them to confirm your version of reality for you, perhaps even denying their own version of reality for the benefit of yours benefit. A life sacrificed for another’s. How noble… or not.

Are you sure it’s worth it? All things come with a price, are you willing to pay it? Probably not, but then you probably won’t assess it either.

I could be wrong… I don’t care if I am. I don’t care about being right either. It’s overrated and often leads to something – righteousness – which doesn’t disturb me but does annoy me (very different where I come from). Spend some time in the land of the Crazymakers and you’ll find being right or wrong is irrelevant.

“Crazymaking is when a person sets you up to lose. Much like the example above—you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You’re in a lose-lose situation…” – Kimberly Key – Maybe It’s Them, Not You: How to Handle a Crazymaker

What tends to perplex me (also different from being disturbed) about people… is the lack of conscious thought and awareness, both of self and of other, which accompanies their actions and words.

If someone, like me, writes a post which says – Please Disturb Me – read the post before you wade in thinking that somehow I haven’t heard it all before. Also, since that is an astrological post, check my chart out which is posted on my blog before you make assumptions. Or don’t. Go ahead, wade in, make assumptions. Prove your astrological grasp is… well, different from mine. My chart however would inform you of certain things which you might like to know which might protect you from yourself and me being myself… which might end up disturbing you instead of me.

pluto10

I’m used to being disturbed. It’s familiar territory. So is being a disturbed person in the land of the disturbed. Some say these things are contagious… or genetic. Some say… an awful lot of things based on assumptions and other stuff.., often labeled as ‘fact’. If we call something a ‘fact’… so there can become our witty repartee.

Someone recently said my blog name comes from being a victim of narcissists. I can see where the assumption comes from… but that’s not where the name of my blog comes from. This person is not interested in my reality, just in stating a point… using my blog as an example. Fair enough. What they are doing – here –  has value. What they are doing is not something I want to argue over a detail about, they are pursuing a cause greater than an individual and their needs. Time to put my personal feelings, issues and need for logic aside for a bigger issue which affects many.

Which isn’t easy, but sometimes it must be done.

It’s not like I’ve explained where my blog name comes from… well, I have but I can’t find that post (or posts)  so why expect anyone else to search for it. The upshot of it is – it’s an anagram. One I which liked out of the many options which I could have chosen because it expressed a personal trait which has nothing to do with anyone else… or does it!?!

sarchasm

Anyway…

What really inspired this post…

I found an odd search term which led someone to my blog. Just one someone.

Checking search terms is something bloggers do… it’s in the stats… it makes me conscious of how I phrase my own searches on the internet which lead me to the blogs of others – you mean they can see what search term I’ve used!?! – knowing these things can be viewed and… judged by others. Bloggers do posts about this all the time, often chuckling at spelling mistakes. I guess they never make them. I guess they don’t rely on search engines having the ability to deal with spelling mistakes, ones often due to dealing with tiny letters and big fingers. Or maybe they’re just laughing at themselves too, at all their own strange searches and the mistakes therein.

WARNING: time to look away if you’re easily upset and disturbed by human nature.

The odd search term was this – what drugs can you give a girl to make her have no effort to fight back so you can fuck her any way you want while she’s still conscious and aware.

I’m fairly certain none of my posts give such information, nor advocate it, nor encourage it, nor deem it in any way appropriate. It is anathema to me.

As a woman this search is horrendous. It is disturbing, but it does not disturb me, because this type of thinking is far too prevalent to pretend that it does not exist. It is a fact of life, found repeatedly in history, in criminology and in the daily news.

If a woman was searching for what drugs she could use for the same purpose on a man, it would still be horrendous, so don’t make this a battle of the sexes issue, this is not about gender, this is a very human problem – Why would someone want this? What pushed them to it?

Easy answer – They were born evil. It is nature.

Difficult answer – They were not born evil. Evil is a human construct to explain what we refuse to understand, that which creates cognitive dissonance.

Frantz Fanon

It is not nature which made them evil, it was nurture, and not just the nurture, or lack thereof, from their parents, but from society as well – society which is made up of all of us, not something separate from all of us which we blame when things go disturbingly wrong.

The even harder answer is – This is a reflection of so much more than just one person’s evil or whatever you may consider it to be. This is actually a blunt assessment of business practice, the aim of corporations, and the political agenda of governments – to have conscious and seemingly willing, due to their helplessness, victims. This is something which when placed in different terms, other words, and a different context, for our benefit perhaps, yet still has the same meaning, we accept it and may even promote it.

How can we be made to be a conscious victim of our own rape, and therefore perhaps be made to accept it as our fault somehow because we’re conscious but can’t do anything about it?

If you’ve ever bought a product or bought into an idea, a ‘fact’, based on an unrealistic ideal which someone, a business owned by a corporation which finances politics and government, sold to you… think about it.

Do your teeth really need to be white? How is this useful or necessary? Do you feel bad about your teeth when they don’t meet an unrealistic ideal, and good about them when they do? How is this useful or necessary?

rape

It’s not the US versus Them which should be our focus… that keeps us divided and through that division we are all conquered. The part which concerns us each individually is the one which places us in a position of being Us versus Ourselves. If we blame Them, we make ourselves powerless, if we blame Us, the same occurs… if we accept a part of the responsibility, the part over which we have power… the balance of power shifts. Maybe only slightly, but enough if we all do it individually, yet together.

Idealism… perhaps.

As a child of Crazymakers I often sought sanity and sometimes aid from those outside of my family life, from society – I did not find it. Society told me that my parents loved me, no matter what they did to me, and if I did not accept that ‘fact’ then I was the one who had the problem. I was evil for being the logical one in an illogical world. My parents did not love me, mainly because they did not know what love was, to them it was a human invention and illusion which could be used to manipulate others to do their bidding. It was a source of power over others. When someone loved them, they were contemptuous… silly fool, love does not exist other than to make you weak, how can I use your weakness as my strength.

Society wanted me to deny my reality to buy into something which was not healthy for me. But, you know, sometimes the one individual has to sacrifice themselves for the many individuals, even if the many don’t seem particularly happy with their version of reality either.

One of the things which I learned from my experience is:

the dark side

Being human… requires the willingness to see all facets of it, even the ones which deeply disturb us.

“If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.” ― Noam Chomsky

Perhaps what disturbs us… informs us in a way which that which makes us comfortable does not.

I have paid a price for making others feel comfortable… and that was to remain constantly disturbed by what they needed to be comfortable which was often for me to be uncomfortable.

Comfort used to disturb me… I understand it now that I am older.

What disturbs me?

Genuine kindness… it’s disturbing because it comes without conditions. Not something I am used to, but maybe not something which I should become used to. It is sometimes better to be disturbed.

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13 thoughts on “What Disturbs You?… and other questions concerning things which seem crazy

  1. Just had a crazymaking narcissist client this evening. She starts every sentence with “my family’s net worth is…” Today, after a meeting ended, I had another client in the room who was asking me for some advice on a big project. The narcissist turned off the lights even though we were talking, and announced, “The meeting’s over.” Then gave an innocent look to the others leaving the room for confirmation, “We’re done, right, right?” as if to suggest that I was unreasonable in giving her a cold look for her rude behaviour. This is a woman who once came up to a group of us to ask, “Don’t you love my headband? Isn’t it cute?” When we said yes, it suited her, she sniped back, “What a silly thing you say. That’s why I bought the headband. It’s obvious that I bought it because it suits me. What a group of morons.” We all tolerate her rudeness because she’s always contradicting herself by putting her foot in her mouth. Also, for entertainment, because I sit on the committee that handles submissions of her poetry for competitions, I have always made sure to never vote for her work. Instead, I send the critics copies of her work for “what not to do” workshop material. The first year, she went over to the awards table demanding to know where her prize was. There were 300 people in the room who submitted work of far superior quality. It was shocking. Every year, she comes in expecting to win great praise and a prize, but not only are her poems completely ignored, a wave of critics also single her out to very bluntly slam her technique. Yay!

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  2. That concept of crazymakers really helped me when I found out about it. Hard as it might have been to understand why they would want to put you in this position it helped to know that when you came away from one of those incidents the reason you were so messed up really didn’t have anything to do with you but in some way they had been able to make you absorb their own inner turmoil or angst, which is bloody uncomfortable. (if that makes sense?).

    Rape is something that happens to the soul, and its bloody painful. I remember at the beginning of my first therapy I had a really strong nightmare of rape. It was very dark and brutal. Rape implies some kind of rupture against the persons will….. But the most painful of rapes seems to be the one perpetrated by those whose own numbness reaches deep into the beauty of wild nature and seeks to destroy it or erase it. And that can happen to a wild soul too.

    There’s no easy way around it.. being Plutonian means we are going to disturb others by our very presence. I’m glad you exist on this earth and speak for these truths and that Plutonian awareness, cause trying to become something else just ends up causing us a whole lot of damage.

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    1. Approaching crazy-making and crazy-makers from an astrological angle is actually very useful, it gives a different view.

      For those like you and me it’s not just about Pluto, Uranus is in the mix and that combination is a very different kind of crazy-making. In some ways I think having Pluto/Uranus in the 1st is a great buffer for the crazy-making that others bring and create. When we’re in tune with our own selves we can absorb the crazy of others and turn it into energy which we can use to create something which is constructive rather than destructive, but that requires us to be fully in touch with our inner crazy – we need to harness the Pluto/Uranus in the 1st energy first, then it becomes a conductor of sorts which can in some ways makes sense of the crazy of others. That’s where Saturn comes in – the discipline of self to then deal with others as in Jung’s – deal with your own darkness and you’ll learn how to handle that of others.

      Something like that, I’m still investigating things 🙂

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      1. Yes, good point I’m not just Plutonian in the first but Uranian in the first and all the other parts as well in a huge mix, but Uranus is my ruler and it is the reason why I have never been able to live peacefully or subscribe or fit into the mainstream. And I love what you wrote about us absorbing other’s craziness. In fact I get inspired by it, when I find another person spinning out as I think that it is great to have the Plutonian or Uranian process underway.

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        1. When Uranus and Pluto work together their energies can get confused as they have many similarities and it’s a good combination, although it can feel very OTT. Uranus in the 1st gives tremendous amounts of nervous energy which can be very unsettling.

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      2. And yes where would we be without Saturn…. I do love Saturn though it makes me so heavy at times, but I see that heaviness as a descent into a strong reality…..and it helps to ground the energies of the other planets in some way and make sense of them…. I see a lot of that in you 🙂

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  3. A great post – the definition of crazy-making is also the definition of my ex-narcissist. He was always unpredictable, changing his mind, flitting like a butterfly, and then blaming me when I was silly enough to act on his so-called decisions. I was also left with picking up the financial pieces, too. But not for long – divorces can be very good things! 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂

      When you get caught up in their crazy, it can spin you around and make you dizzy, make you crazy too, but once you step out of it and regain your own footing, you can see it for what it is – they’re very confused, because their crazymaking is what’s going on inside of them, and they go around infecting everyone else with it.

      Their magical thinking tends to affect their finances. I think all narcissists think they have the Midas touch, or at least want it and wish for it on every shooting star, without realising that is a myth with a moral intended to pass down wisdom from generation to generation.

      Divorcing ourselves from someone else’s reality can indeed be a very good thing for us!

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  4. Good and interesting thoughts.

    I find myself hoping someone was researching a novel they intend to write.

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    1. Thank you.

      I had a similar thought when I saw it. The wording made me doubt it. But you never know, we all express ourselves differently.

      I saw an intriguing episode of Criminal Minds where people with certain types of urges to harm others used creative writing as a means to stop them from acting on their impulses. Expressing it held them back from needing to do it. It was a constructive solution to a destructive problem.

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      1. Now that I think about it, I am pretty sure there was an identical rape scenario in a Patricia Briggs book, except the heroine was not made immobile but complicit. It might have been a magical item rather than a drug. Anyway, not my favorite subject for entertainment, but to each their own. I agree about the wording, but you never know. There are bad writers, too.

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