Into The Blue

BluSponge3

 

“Even as you suffer apparent defeats, you may discover that what you are losing is not really anything significant. You may learn that the needs of your ego are not your real needs at all.” – Robert Hand.

 

It is sometimes said that our own suffering makes us more empathic towards others and their suffering. Because we know what suffering is, we see it, recognise it, understand it in others. We understand what they are going through, because we too go through it.

Pain, sadness, grief, connects us. We all feel it, experience it, get to know it more than we would ever like to.

Yet our own pain, sadness, grief, and suffering can disconnect us too. Especially when our mind and ego get involved in how we process our emotions.

 

“It is difficult to take responsibility when you are feeling insecure.” – Robert Hand.

 

It can make us selfish, obsessed, unwilling martyrs, focused so intensely on our own need for… whatever it is we believe that we can’t live without and must have, and until we get what we want we aren’t going to give anything to anyone else, unless it gets us what we want. Our need to have our needs fulfilled can turn us into someone we would not like if we were separate from ourselves and came to us making the sort of demands which we are making of others.

 

“…you may try to get what you want from people in covert or subversive ways… Needless to say, this will only worsen your insecurity, not give you more confidence.” – Robert Hand.

 

When someone hurts us, does this give us the right to hurt others because we are suffering. The way we hurt others when we are hurting can be very loud or very quiet, obvious or subtle… sometimes it is so subtle no one notices the pain being passed on until they are deep inside the blue and don’t know why.

 

“This time in your life is likely to be confusing and full of doubt and fear…” – Robert Hand

 

When confusion, doubt and fear take hold, we are lost in the blue. Hoping someone will save us, yet dragging anyone who tries to do so into our blue, drowning them in our tears of grief. We drift down deeper, sadder, into our pain, our suffering cloaking us until we are lost within its folds.

 

“… you will learn there is really nothing to lose.” – Robert Hand.

 

Once everything is lost, including ourselves, we cross a threshold into emptiness, where…

 

“You will ask fundamental questions about what you are trying to do with your life as a whole.” – Robert Hand

 

And if you listen carefully to yourself… you will find yourself.

Into the blue.

To find you.

 

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Into The Blue

  1. Dear Ursula,
    What you wrote touched me deeply and itโ€™s a coincidence that I feel exactly that way these days. Once you wake up and make up your mind to see things form a fair point of you- fair for yourself too, instead of accepting no matter what as you have no self love, then itโ€™s blue time: like a curtain unveiling a whole sleeping world, you see people and situations differently and you have to take a position, you have to say no.
    Not only this procedure is hard enough as itโ€™s brand new and you feel you are going to war each time, but you unwillingly look in this new picture when it comes to friends you used to love and you realize they loved only the chance to dominate you, manipulate you or having a little dog always in a good mood.
    I am feeling blue.
    My judgment is misconstrued as I am too bienveillante towards others and not towards myself. There is a nice someone whom I met two years ago who last Sunday contacted me after almost a year as he would like to see me again and I replied it would be nice. Since then no news, and this is not the first time he does that. Heโ€™s a very deep and thoughtful person, but I have the feeling he used me to confirm to himself my door was still open to him, therefore itโ€™s manipulative and somehow he consumes something in his mind instead of living it, the person in front of him is there to be a mirror of himself but doesnโ€™t really exist as a living creature with feelings and the possibility at his eyes that he might be hurt. This leads to further darker and bleaker conclusions.
    I feel blue and discouraged as things repeat themselves relentlessly and my efforts never materialize, never lead me to progress. My empathy is an obstacle as I keep thinking if I say how I feel it will hurt him and it makes me shiver; I have another pending situation with someone to whom I really need to make things clear and although she is the one who had pricking words for me, I feel guilty if I choose stand for myself.
    On the flipside, THANKS TO YOU, my writing is flowing more naturally and itโ€™s the only moment where I feel myself and I love myself, I even find it interesting!! This a great change, in that I am a new version of myself and I cherish my thoughts.
    Also exchanging with other people here on your blog gives me a feeling of belonging and itโ€™s reassuring me the fact I can say something for somebody else: itโ€™s like receiving.
    take care, seashell xxx

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    1. Certain things will keep repeating themselves even as you progress, and the progress may be subtle because that’s what real progress is like, small shifts, small steps forward. We don’t always notice those, we tend to notice when we make what we think is a big step, shift, progress, but the big is always made up of all the small which came before and came together.

      I’m also watching history repeat itself at the moment, and sighing heavily about it because it was inevitable and is very tiresome. N’s insist on doing the same thing over and over and over again, still expecting different results each time. However even though history is repeating itself, I am not. I’ve learned, and slowly shifted each time, progressing gradually.

      If you look really closely you’ll notice you’re different, which you have and are, you’re more you, and that is what you need to notice.

      We can’t change other people, so they will keep doing whatever they do. We can only change ourselves. It may not seem like much, especially when others affect us, but it is a very great something ๐Ÿ™‚

      Do not fear the deep, dark, often seemingly bleak abyss of blue, breathe it in, breathe it out, let it flow and flow with it, see where it leads. We become stronger as we allow ourselves to embrace all of ourselves, all of life as it is. As we become stronger, how we experience life changes.

      And don’t worry about hurting people, worry about not hurting yourself. Other people aren’t as fragile as they like to pretend to be or seem. Say what you feel and think, let others take care of themselves, you take care of yourself.

      Feeling blue is one colour in a rainbow of feelings, it’s a beautiful one, as are the others. Explore them all ๐Ÿ™‚

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      1. Thank you for your words. By the way, it,s not by chance that blueis such a vibrant colour in the chakra system, as it,s the 5th chakra of the throat, voice, so speaking with your voice as standing for yourself, and speaking with your words, so creating your artistic world. Key place for us!
        It’s very bleak at the moment, I had the impression I was progressing but actually I still have no self-esteem, this tiny detail is conditioning and putting my life at stake, in what I have to face in my next future.
        Yes, I do fear my feelings, I feel in the tub, I have to overcome it and be strong as being lonely sometimes is overwhelming.
        What you are doing with your writing is wonderful, for yourself and your interlocutors. xxx

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        1. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

          You are progressing, it just takes time and can be very subtle.

          I read a very interesting blog post recently – http://n-continuum.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-appropriation-of-no-contact-when.html – for children of narcissists self-esteem is a something we come to after a long journey through something as far removed from it as possible, but when we get there, we recognise it gradually because we are cautious about such a rare and strange thing.

          Being lonely is the way to come home to yourself and keep yourself company, get to know yourself and appreciate who you are. But first you have to remove the clothes that others have given you to wear.

          You’ll be fine, just be gentle with yourself, trust what you are doing even if you doubt it ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

      You always use colour so magnificently in your artwork, you have an affinity for the meaning within hues.

      I love the chakra system, it’s a very intriguing way of understanding interconnectedness of all things.

      And blue is a colour which has many meanings and much symbolism attached to it. Beautiful colour.

      There was a book I read a while ago which explored how humans created paint, and the symbolism and value which we gave to certain colours – Color: A Natural History of the Palette by Victoria Finlay – very fascinating and insightful, beautifully written. There was a wonderful story about ultramarine in it.

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