and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you

John dies at the end

“Dave: What do you think it’s like, Father?

Father Shellnut: What’s what like?

Dave: Being crazy, mentally ill.

Father Shellnut: Well, they never know they’re ill, do they? I mean, you can’t diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can’t see your own eyeball. I suppose you just feel regular, and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.”

I woke up with a thought – What if all your life, the sum total of all your experiences, the good, the bad, the suffering and joys, the path you’ve taken, was all just for one moment.

But that moment was not about you, it was for the benefit of someone else.

You were supposed to be in a certain mood, with a certain mind set, an attitude, on a particular day, at a point in time, so that you could say or do something which would impact another person.

Perhaps that other person was not the end destination, but a link in a chain just like you. Your impact on them would lead them to be in a certain mood, with a certain mind set, an attitude, on a particular day, at a point in time, so that they could say or do something which would impact another person.

And at the end of this chain would be someone who would do something monumental for mankind in some way – either good or bad or whatever – such as invent the wheel or spread a virus or make the first batch of ice cream.

What if there was no other purpose for everything which has happened to you than this one moment. And once the moment has passed and you’ve done your bit, that’s it. You keep living but your life is now completely pointless.

This was an odd thought to have in as much as it did not seem to have anything to do with the dream I had been having before I woke up. Thinking that life, at least my own, is utterly pointless is fairly typical for me.

“John: You don’t choose the Soy Sauce; the Soy Sauce chooses you!”

The dream was an exceedingly complicated series of sketches depicting a journey from A to B. Some of the scenes were scraps of old dreams rehashed. The only one which stood out, and may have prompted the thought…

I was standing with a group of about five people. I did not know them as I had only just arrived in this place. They were chatting about something which seemed important to them. I was slightly detached from the conversation as I turned up in the middle of it and I wasn’t really a part of the group. I was just there.

Then one of the group turned to me, touched me on the shoulder and asked – What’s your tissue?

The way the question was asked made it sound like one of those – getting to know you – formulaic queries which people use to figure out your social status – superior, inferior, on a par – and whether you’re useful to know or need to be rejected as inappropriate.

In real life, unless there is a good reason for me to be conventional, I prefer to handle answering these social queries unconventionally to see how people react to my answer. They may be trying to determine if I’m suitable to know, but I’m not interested in being considered suitable to know. I am not being subversive for the sake of being subversive, I am trying to determine something of my own.

Now in the dream I knew this was one of those questions, but since I had never heard it before and didn’t know anything about this society, I had no idea what answer was conventional and what would be unconventional. I could have asked them to explain the question and give me some optional answers, but I decided to wing it.

Since the person who asked me this question had touched my shoulder, which was bare, in a way which suggested that they were trying to figure out of what it was made, I replied – skin.

The answer, which I thought made sense, affected the group as though I had swung my arm around and managed to slap them all in the face with one movement (which would have been fun and I wish I had done it… it was a dream after all).

They exchanged meaningful glances. Then like droplets of mercury they split apart, scurried away, and rejoined elsewhere, reforming their group without me in or near it.

I wanted to find out why – skin – as an answer to – what’s your tissue? – had affected them in the way that it had. They seemed to be made of skin too. But the dream moved on, dissolved, and I woke up.

Now usually I would have mulled over this tissue issue on waking up, but instead thoughts of that incident were rapidly replaced by – what if my entire life was lived for just one moment, one which was for the benefit of someone else, and that is all that it is for?

And have I had my moment or am I still building up to it?

The thing about this kind of moment is that it may pass by unnoticed, seemingly ordinary, and you’ll never know…

“Dave: Someday you will face that moment. And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence, or you will face something even stranger.”

But none of this is the riddle referred to in the pic which goes with this post… that riddle is here.



*all quotes from – John Dies at the End (2012) – the film I watched before I had the dream.


  1. I never fail to be amazed by how our thoughts seem to be on the same highway at times…how we cross the same intersection so often.

    I’ve been thinking about “the Butterfly Effect” lately, and wondering what I’m doing here…and why I’ve…we’ve…suffered, and what it all means, if anything. Some say we choose our life before we come here. Did I choose my parents before I came here? Did my children choose me, and why? I’ve learned some of my soul’s lessons, but is there more?

    What’s my role in giving life to my children…will they grow up to help mankind? I seem to be helping people who are dealing with Narcissistic partners, but I still can’t pinpoint what to say to make them feel better…because until you’re out from under the influence, you’ll never see “it” in full clarity, but the hard part is helping them realize why and how to leave.

    Here is a tidbit just for you: Had an astrological/card reading done about two weeks ago. The woman literally floored me with what she knew about me based on my sign and the cards. I barely said a word, yet every single thing she said was as if she could read my soul…she knew stuff I haven’t really articulated to anyone. I thought about learning to read cards, but part of me fears I’ll subconsciously have an effect on the outcome and I don’t want to do that. Maybe later when I’m more awakened….anyway, astrology is more than just a trivial concept.

    Sorry if all that seems somewhat chaotic…guess I need to work more on quieting my mind 😉


    • If you look at the path you’ve taken with this particular suffering in your life, a relationship with a narcissist, you can see how you’ve taken your pain and transformed it into personal power, one which you are sharing with others. You are helping people by showing them that, like you, they have the ability and power within themselves to help themselves. They don’t need a hero or heroin outside of them to save them, they are their own hero or heroin and can save themselves.

      That is a wonderful healing path, which grew out of something which was very painful, which once looked like a beautiful route to take. It’s like following a sign while hiking through a lovely place to a visible path, which then becomes less visible, losing itself (and yourself) through thick woods, stinging nettles and poison ivy, but keeping going, moving forward, until you finally reach a clearing… and that clearing is on top of a hill which has a scenic panorama. You take a picture of the view and share it, while also sharing the story of how you got there.

      We touch the lives of everyone we meet. They touch the lives of everyone they meet. And so on. And our lives are touched by all those whom we meet. We have no control over the way we touch people’s lives, just as they have no control over how they touch ours. Any sense of control is more of an illusion than real. If someone does something bad to us… it doesn’t always affect us badly, the negativity can inspire us with positivity. Sometimes good things… road to hell paved with good intentions.

      The important things can be seen in the smallest things. Such as the smile of your children, the sound of their laughter, the sparkle in their eyes. That’s all you need to see sometimes to know that your life has a purpose and is valuable. What your children do with their lives is up to them, they won’t forget how you touched their lives 🙂

      That’s an intriguing experience you had. Card readers are usually astute people readers, and it can be insightful. It can offer an alternative way of perceiving something, including yourself. That’s mostly why I explore alternative concepts, they sometimes help me get out of a rut or widen narrow vision, give an angle to see something which I had missed. But they have their limits too.

      If your mind wants to shout, let it shout… it’ll go quiet when it is ready to do so, when you have listened to what it wanted your to hear 🙂


  2. Interesting. What if my entire life was lived for just one moment, and the moment had passed? My initial feeling was sadness. If I’d already fulfilled my purpose, what would I do now? My big moment would be over. My next feeling was relief. Now, I’d get to relax. And then there’s the purpose itself. What if the moment was not about me, but was for the benefit of someone else? My initial feeling was sadness. Am I not important enough to live for me? My next feeling was relief. Now, I’d get to relax.

    I’m not a believer that I have a purpose, other than what I choose for myself. But there’s a quote I’ve grown to love:

    “The purpose of life is to reach a point where you can say ‘yes’ to all of it.” ― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

    It feels right. Imagine. Every bad thing. Every unkind word. Every loss. Every heartache. Every heartbreak. Imagine whole-heartedly, without reservation, in every fibre of your being, saying yes to all of it. Feeling yes to all of it. I think that might be the definition of wholeness.

    Or maybe I just need to relax 🙂


    • Rilke said it the best for me:

      “Let everything happen to you
      Beauty and terror
      Just keep going
      No feeling is final”

      It’s all part of the whole, all part of the experience of being alive and living. Things have a way of sorting themselves out, one way or another. We keep flowing, no matter what the shape of the course of things are.

      I used to be much more tense about life, feeling the need to find a purpose… I suppose some sort of justification for being alive and using up oxygen and resources. Part of that had to do with my supposed reason for being alive. Then one day… one of those one day’s which is a culmination of many other days… it occurred to me that I didn’t need to have a purpose other than the fact that I was alive and here and that’s that. Took a huge burden of pressure off of my shoulders. Life became more fun, including the bad stuff. Like it’s all just an adventure and I’m winging it. There is no right or wrong, just perception. And perception is very flexible.

      Whether we’re working towards a moment or whether we’ve achieved it and it has passed or there is no such thing or whatnot… does it matter? We’re here and… relax 😀

      Love the way your mind works!


  3. I believe in the concept of past lives, and the insight that has been given to me is warming. It’s been a consistent path. I’ve been attached to religions, writing, communication, caring… All these are qualities I’d like to continue to possess and continue with.

    Perhaps this life is simply a moment. I can believe it. I hope to pave this life, this blip, as smoothly as possible for the next person to continue on.


    • Do you view your past, present and future lives as being linear. One leading to another and so on. Neatly arranged using our human concept of time. What if they are spread out and interconnected, overlapping, happening at the same time separated only by our awareness.

      It’s a fascinating subject to explore. It can be very comforting, yet also daunting. We live on when we believe in it. If this life doesn’t matter, maybe the next one will. But everything we do has ripples and consequences which go beyond the here and now, beyond this one experience of being alive. And everything here and now is a consequence and ripple of something which has come before.

      What if… better stop before I go there, although I really like going there and staying there for a while. It’s to do with atoms. Which is boring for anyone else but the person indulging in the thought.

      You are an intriguing being… I think this life is going to be one in which you have quite an effect on others without necessarily realising how impacting your effect is. In a good way, so relax and enjoy 🙂


  4. I’d forgotten about that post 🙂 Love the film which inspired it! Have you seen John Dies at the End. Very weird, thought-provoking and funny.

    I think we can have lots of “moments”. As long as we’re alive we’re a part of this crazy world and everyone in it, all of our lives intersecting without always being aware of it. A tiny gesture here, can have a big effect on the other side of the world and we’ll never know. Or maybe we will know, but won’t realise our part in it.

    Asking ourselves – Do we have a choice? – is a conundrum which is meant to be explored rather than solved. It’s a brain teaser, an exercise of the mind, and sometimes the rest of us, keeping us flexible. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t have a choice, most of the time it’s both and neither, an illusion and real at the same time. How we perceive our ability to choose, have free will… that is an intriguing path to wander. If we think that we don’t have a choice, then do we think that others do? Can a rule like this apply to us and not apply to others?

    And what happens when we become aware of having a choice or not having a choice?

    So many questions, enough to fuel several lifetimes of thought, but why?


    • A paradox indeed. I really don’t believe we have a choice, and believe we are all just puppets on a string for some Universal power, outcome, entertainment etc.. kinda like Neo in the Matrix when he meets the Architect, “The problem is choice.” Maybe for some universal balance of sorts, but where’s the choice in even that? Watched John Dies at the End last night. Extremely odd to say the least, and then it got even more so. Probably not the best movie to watch after an experience with a narc. You can call my experience, Mark Dies at the End as well. Sociopaths don’t generally murder you, but they do kill you.. or at least the person you were before the experience. I can never get the person I was back. Maybe that’s the point.

      I do find this interesting and almost humorous though.. I used to have these grandiose ideas over a decade ago when there was no internet. Angels, demons, ufos, conspiracy theories, other dimensions, visions, hallucinations, epiphanies, or however you want to perceive them. I felt alone, and the world was just in motion. I couldn’t find “like-minded” people like me. I have tons of notebooks of scrabbled down jargon that only seems to make sense to me. I felt like a black sheep on some kind of highway going the opposite direction from all the “sheeple” telling them there was a slaughterhouse at the end. I didn’t feel special per say.. just different. I didn’t seem to “belong,” and didn’t know why. Now that the internet has come out, I find all the freaks like me have come out. I don’t know if it’s just the ability to connect, or an awareness. Probably both. However, I do know I’m not as intelligent as I thought. And far from graduating. You’d think this would be an exciting epiphany. Doesn’t seem to be for me. I’m tired. I believe ignorance is true bliss.

      Ecclesiastes 1:17-18
      And I set my mind to know wisdom and to know madness and folly; I realized that this also is striving after wind. Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.

      Ecclesiastes 12:12
      Be warned, anything in addition. Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.

      Or is it not? But I’m truly bored. I’ve come to the conclusion that the meaning is there is no meaning. Depressing huh? I can tell you’re far more intelligent than I. And of course you are, because you’re a Capricorn. 😉 What do you make of all this mess? And why does a socio/psycho narcissist even exist.. Are they truly soulless and evil incarnate? I see no purpose, point or reason for them.. Other than than I’m dead. Ah, but ignorance is bliss, or is it not? Yes, Mark Dies at the End. I’m ready for the next level, but apparently the powers at be, don’t believe I am.


      • I can relate to a lot of what you’ve shared. I too have wondered far and wide in the world of thought and things. I read The Robot’s Rebellion once upon a time.

        I think the internet has been a blessing for all the ‘freaks’ in this world. Definitely for a freak like me because all those people who I always thought were ‘normal’, who had their life sorted… that’s an illusion which the internet reveals. They’re freaks like me. They only appear normal because you feel like a freak… but they’re looking at you thinking you’re normal compared to a freak like them. We’re all looking at each other and not seeing each other. However on the internet we can see each other and be seen, and being a freak is better than being normal online. Just look at Twitter and the more popular tweets.

        I remember when I first created a tumblr and looked at the bios of other tumblrs, almost every single one began with the words ‘I’m weird’. Basically everyone is weird, so being weird is normal, feeling like a freak is normal for a majority, and only a minority actually feel normal.

        Our perception is constantly being challenged and we also challenge it. What’s real, what is not… can we ever really know, does it matter?

        What you said about your intelligence reminds me of that often quoted notion, of which this is one version – “The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.” ― Bertrand Russell

        I’m not more intelligent than you, if I come across that way it’s because I’m a Capricorn 😉 Capricorns tend to give that impression, but most of us know how stupid we can be.

        And what is intelligence? What is stupid? It’s all perception, often disguised as something else but still it’s perception and that is Solipsistic.

        This is an interesting article for many different reasons – – one of which is that ‘personal intelligence’ is something that the writer of the article has ‘invented’ and has created a whole world around it.

        That’s humans and being human. We make things up and they become real… or they don’t. One minute the world is flat, and anyone who thinks it isn’t flat is stupid, and the next minute the world is spherical and anyone who believes that it’s flat is stupid.

        We’re all sort of living in a Monty Python film but we think we’re in a Lars von Trier film. Or something like that.

        As far as making sense of the mess… mess is my home in some ways. I prefer the chaos of the universe to the order of humans.

        Those who have ASPD and/or NPD aren’t soulless or evil incarnate, in my view, they’re humans doing something very human which humans do when they’ve been hurt in a certain way, and other humans experience them as being soulless and evil – and often want to exterminate them, categorise them as useless, meaningless, etc, because of it – which is a human reaction. A very human interpretation for things and people which cause pain, for very bad experiences with people who make our experience of life an intensely hellish one.

        But then again I was not brought up with religion, so concepts like being soulless and evil are not a part of my lexicon of life. I know about them, can understand them, because they’re important to others and influence life in the human world, but they’re not part of my system. I prefer science, but even that came later for me. Nature. The natural world. Hmmm…


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