Life, Dreams and a Doozy of a Week
When I saw this week’s writing challenge on The Daily Post: Worlds Colliding about the different personas and facets of ourselves which we use to interact and deal with life, I thought – This is fun! It got my questionable creative juices flowing because it falls into my wheelhouse of observing myself and being aware of the ‘different’ me’s who exist within the whole of me.
Overall I’m a what you see is what you get type of person (that can be interpreted several different ways, all of which apply).
Only I don’t know what you’re seeing and getting from me from your point of view. That can be rather confusing, especially when my view and your view of me clashes. I do try to see myself as others see me to better understand the interaction and their point of view (this is easier than waiting for them to do the same with me) and smooth the rough should it cause discomfort for others. I enjoy being considerate… up until that point where it means being inconsiderate towards myself.
How a person relates to themselves… matters. If you treat yourself badly… this is not a good omen for how you treat others, including if you treat others better than you treat yourself. No. Just no.
I don’t pre-plan how I’m going to act or behave, or what I’m going to say, mostly because I’ve learned I can deal with pretty much any scenario and person better if I’m flexible and authentic to the moment. I also trust myself (writing that made me wince a little). And life and relationships are more fun that way. I’m lazy too… why prepare when I can just be.
I do have certain guidelines (these things build up over time and experience) such as – don’t swear like you normally do in your own company, keep your humor in check (it’s a tad too twisted, and it’s always too soon), keep your thoughts mostly to yourself…
…because not all people understand that when they think you’re thinking about them, even if they think you’re criticising and judging them, while you are listening and paying attention to them, your thoughts may be about something else entirely, letting them in on this fact may upset them. I was listening to you, I didn’t realise that I also had to think exclusively about you too.
And I have MO’s for different scenarios, such as – when dealing with someone who is screaming in an angry way – stay calm – just because they’re losing it doesn’t mean you have to lose it too, don’t listen – angry people never listen to what they’re saying so why should you, don’t take it personally even if it seems personal – some people lump all their wrath at the world into one temper burst, wait for them to run out of tantrum steam or walk away and leave them to it.
I used to have to deal with angry screaming people all the time due to growing up with narcissists and often being the only safe place for those narcissists’ victims to vent. Without the narcissist factor involved people don’t tend to lose it in my presence, my effect is often calming, sometimes soporific.
My ego doesn’t need anyone to validate its ticket.
Aside from the guidelines, I wing it, live in the moment, rely on instincts and intuition. I didn’t always, but I’ve learned that this way is better… for me. Is it better for others? I don’t know, I tend to think of it this way – if I’m myself then they can figure out more expediently whether to like me or hate me.
So, I started writing a draft which focused on a social event which I have to attend in the not too distant future, which I’m not looking forward to mainly because I’m reclusive by nature…
I was out house hunting yesterday and when I asked the seller (the owner of the most frigging amazing quirky house ever which I probably won’t be able to buy due to this doozy of a week) about the ‘bad’ points of living in the house, they said – It’s quite remote and I don’t get to socialise as much as I’d like. – and I thought – How is that a ‘bad’ thing!?! – of course, I knew what they meant because they explained it, but for me that’s a positive.
…but for other reasons too, such as, to this particular social group I’m the designated ‘freak’. Which could be fun, and occasionally is, but mostly it’s not.
They’re good people… I can be good too (sometimes)… but we’re from alternative universes, or so it seems, and this creates problems of communication and understanding.
Basically I have to understand that they will never understand me. I’m the minority, they’re the majority. Majority rules and likes to rule by keeping up appearances. I’m not bothered by appearances (my partner had to buy me clothes for this occasion because when I said – I’ll deal with it later – he knew I meant – I’ll just wear whatever – the plus side of this is that after 16+ years I’ve just discovered that my partner is an awesome personal shopper which is great because I hate shopping), what interests me is what lies beneath.
Something like that.
I’m used to it.
I kind of see myself as a freak too, particularly when I think of myself from the perspective of others. I’m rather attached to that perspective… it has its advantages.
Anyway. I was going to write about that. And it was quite funny, at least I thought it was because (I think I’m hilarious) I let my sarcastic side write it. I do likes me a bit of the lowest form of wit.
Then this week kicked in and kicked me… into other sides of myself. The most dominant one of the moment being the one who has to remain very level-headed – earthy Zen – even if other parts of me are screaming – PANIC STATIONS!!!
For the past year… almost two years… I’ve been having to deal with a Gordian Knot. I thought I had left this sort of thing in the past. I had even reached one of those wonderful points in life which occur when you let go of many of your old issues, stop saying ‘no’ to life and start saying ‘yes’ to it and start to relax into accepting the best instead of expecting the worst, just before this occurred and I felt intensely optimistic for the first time in forever.
I’ve gone through this knot and such in many ways and finally realised that the wonderful point was a milestone which said – you’re ready to deal with old bugaboos from the past. I had been looking at it from a more self-pitying angle and I knew I needed to snap out of that, but self-pity can be difficult to shake and escape. It has a strange comfort to it, even if it hurts like hell. I was doing the whole – Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in – routine.
Since I’m partly Italian (the Italian charm thing is one of my social personas) and since being a part of a narcissistic family can feel like being in the Mafia… this seemed humorous and apt in a black comedy manner.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to explain any of this. I’m sick, tired and bored of it myself. And I’m relying on my – grit your teeth and shrug your shoulders, what will be will be whether you like it or not – persona to get me through this.
The image at the very top of this post describes this week and this whole situation perfectly for me. I also have dyslexia and this is how I read things sometimes. So it’s humorous on so many levels for me, and I need every drop of my personal brand of humour at the moment. It’s how I deal with pain, with pains in the patootie, and with everything really.
If you can laugh at yourself, at life, especially when it’s taking the piss… then you laugh with life rather than have it laugh at you and you get all angry, mopey and self-defeating. Sometimes I say – I give up. Sometimes I think I mean it. Usually I’m lying. I’ll give up when life gives up on me.