A Funny Old Thing…

Watering yourself down

If there is one thing which is consistent in my life, it’s this – I’m a funny old thing and people have a hard time trying to figure out how to pigeonhole me. Every time they think they know where I fit and pop me into a box, there is always a part of me which sticks out awkwardly and refuses to fit into their box.

Some people rather like this about me.

Usually because they are similar to me. They don’t fit in to little boxes. They stick out, whether they want to or not. Those who are similar to me, don’t try to fit others into little boxes. They look for people who don’t fit in… hoping that perhaps we won’t fit in in a similar way and maybe find a kindred spirit. It doesn’t always work that way, but sometimes it does.

Others sometimes like this about me because they want a ‘weird’ friend – that’s a box, a pigeonhole. I tend to stick out of that by being normal when I’m supposed to be weird.



wave the stick


Those who don’t like this about me, eventually give up on me and move on.

I foiled their perfect people classification system, and this upset them. Their ego dumps me onto their reject pile and pretends this never happened. I don’t exist, and if I do it’s as an example of what a ‘reject’ is.

Sometimes being rejected is a relief.



Quincy Jones


Sometimes it is not. There is a part of me who has always hoped to find the box and pigeonhole in which I belong. I haven’t found it yet and neither has anyone else.

I don’t deliberately try to upset people’s perfect classification system for other people – okay, occasionally it is deliberate, but mostly it is not. I try to fit in. I like to please others if I can and if it doesn’t cause me too much inconvenience, but there is just so far that I will contort myself before the pain in my body bent so far out of its natural position will alert me to the fact that the pain is not worth the pleasure.

There are lots of things on my list of – Don’t tell people this about yourself.

This list could also be labeled – How to appear to fit in using lies of omission.


Because it will confuse them to the point where I can hear the gears in their mind grinding painfully to a halt as though a piece of grit just got stuck in there.

It will cause what is known as cognitive dissonance.



Frantz Fanon

The result of that will be that they will ignore what they don’t want to understand and they will try to carry on as usual. They will remove the piece of grit and throw it away.

I understand that.

I experience that myself. Only when I get a bit of grit stuck in my gears, I tend to carefully remove the grit and then examine it under a microscope. The things which I want to reject and ignore so that I can carry on as usual, are the things upon which I focus my attention. Those pieces of grit have information which needs to be absorbed and understood.

I also have a list of – Don’t say this to people.

This list could be called – Don’t tell people what they don’t want to hear.


You know the answer to that, you have one of those lists too. We all do.

That’s why movements like ‘Radical Honesty’ exist and why they appeal to us even though we know it’s a bad idea, and probably a bit of bullshit in which we should not believe or invest our time and money.


Because most people who buy into concepts like radical honesty only want it to flow one way and aren’t ready for it to flow the other way too. Which things always do, because that is the natural flow of flow.





They like radical honesty because it gives them permission to be an asshole to other people. Being an asshole can be very liberating, especially if it is your natural tendency but you’ve spent a lot of effort trying to be a ‘good’ person, trying to be nice, but being nice hasn’t paid off and you’re pissed off about it. So now you can go around telling people exactly what you think, sharing your awful truths. But is it truth or just your opinion dressed up as truth and fact.

Since you’re being so ‘radically honest’, I guess you won’t mind people doing the same to you, right?

It’s not dissimilar to how many people view Karma. If someone does something ‘bad’ to you, you hope Karma will pay them back in kind (and maybe add an extra sting or two). You’re a ‘good’ person, so you’re not actually going to do anything ‘bad’ to the certain someone upon whom you’re wishing Karmic payback – wishing Karmic payback does not fall into being a ‘bad’ person territory. It falls into some grey zone which has been painted white for reasons known only to the person with white paint on their fingers. There is this gamut of right and wrong within each of us and we’re usually in the right and others are judged, by us, accordingly.



good versus bad



But what if the reason someone did something ‘bad’ to you is because you had it coming to you and Karma was paying you back.

Not possible? You’re a ‘good’ person, ergo you should only get ‘good’ Karma, you don’t deserve any ‘bad’ Karma.

Okay, so maybe you’ve been a ‘good’ person in this life… according to who? You? Others?

Then again, Karma tends to count all the things you did in past lives too.

But you don’t believe in past lives.

Hmmmm. So basically only what you believe counts.

What about what other people believe. Does that only count if it is in agreement with your own beliefs? Otherwise it is bullshit. Wrong. Lies. Not the truth… according to you.





But what if you have to interact with people who have a completely different set of beliefs to you. What if your version of good is their version of bad. What if their version of good is your version of bad. Then what?

What if the person upon whom you’re wishing bad Karma because they did something ‘bad’ to you, thinks that what they did to you was ‘good’ or perhaps that what they did was to pay you back, or was Karma paying you back for something ’bad’ that you did to them.



Alfred Adler


Yes, it’s complicated. When has living, life, being human, been anything other than complicated.

That list – Don’t tell people what they don’t want to hear – why do we have one of those?

I know why I have one.

I grew up with narcissists as parents.





Narcissists only want to hear what they want to hear, anything else… well, you learn pretty quickly not to say those things (out loud).

Those who are under the influence of a narcissist also only want to hear what they want to hear… which is how they came to be under the influence of a narcissist. That is how they get under your skin and into your head.



Robert Downey Jr


Narcissists are generally perceived as being liars. Expert liars. However, they are also quite adept at telling the truth… when it suits them. Or when they are boasting about of of their manipulations.

And sometimes they do it to ‘test’ those they are with. They particularly like to ‘test’ those who think they are ‘radically honest’ or ‘good’ people. The test sort of goes like this – Here’s a truth and here’s a lie, pick one. Which one will you choose?

Of course the ‘test’ is rigged. How it is rigged depends on the type of narcissist with which you are dealing. But it is always rigged for them to win. The difference is that an Overt Narcissist may give you kudos for picking the truth over a lie, they’ll still have contempt for you and mess with you, but they’ll give you some grudging respect which may pay off for you somewhere down the line. Whereas a Covert Narcissist doesn’t give a shit what you choose, they live in extreme denial, but picking the lie will mean you’re a ‘friendly’ tool, whereas picking the truth will mean that you’re a ‘hostile’ tool.

My father was an Overt Narcissist, my mother is a Covert Narcissist. I lost and was a tool no matter what I chose, truth or lie. I lost either way.

What they taught me about life, about people, was – it doesn’t matter whether you’re honest or crooked, whether you tell the truth or tell a lie, what matters is knowing what other people want to hear, because that tells you what they believe. And what people believe is what creates reality.



truth versus lie


I have spent most of my life striving to be… authentic. To be myself. To speak my truth (knowing that it was not everyone’s version of the truth), to be honest yet also tactful (because honesty is still just my opinion, not fact). I have tried to stay clear of being manipulative. It is the easy way through life, but it is also complicated. I’ve tried to keep things radically simple.

Sometimes I think I’m an idiot for trying. Being an idiot comes naturally to me, and fighting my nature is exhausting. But fighting my nurture is energising.

So… What’s this post all about?

I don’t know, you tell me.

And don’t try to figure out what I want to hear, you won’t be able to do that. Mostly because I don’t know what it is. Telling people what they want to hear relies on them  and you knowing what it is… and I’m still trying to figure this one out as far as I’m concerned.

Tell me what you want to say. Be radically honest… or whatever you want to be.

I think I just want your honest opinion, no holds barred… maybe I’m just lying to myself.




Janis Joplin


  1. This post is about being and the only authentic way is to be yourself.
    It takes a lot of time and effort to discover that in the past we have been conditioned to be what others expected us to be, so we were weird or labelled so when we didn’t fit into the box. I used to be hurt when people told me I was different and i spent all my life trying to adjust to an external model; i had an especially hard time here in France, as you know. Then someone I consider as a true and sensitive person told me i was an eccentric, and he said it with such warmth that I loved it and I consider as the only compliment I can accept.(stilla long way to go about it).
    I love your sense your humor even on delicate and existential matters as these ones, as you can reason and pass a serious message even when it’s full of thorns. BTW, your writing is very inspiring. xxx


    • Thank you 🙂

      That’s wonderful news about the compliment! I can see you blossoming and it is beautiful 🙂

      There is a certain energy to a heartfelt compliment which touches us in a different way from compliments given by the mind, I guess because it goes from heart to heart rather than mind to mind and bypasses the ego. It also asks nothing of us, it gives without a proviso.

      I tend to view the places I live, and even the ones I simply visit, as being somewhere which has a lesson to teach me, usually in the shape of a certain trait which needs developing and understanding. The reason I see places that way is mainly as a way to mitigate any negativity I may feel about being somewhere, especially if I feel stuck there and want to escape. If you can’t escape something then it helps to befriend it in some way similar to making lemonade out of the lemons life gives us. There’s always been this bizarre pattern whereby as soon as I make peace with somewhere I have to live but don’t like, and begin to like it suddenly I get an opportunity to move. But by the time I get the opportunity I’m usually not so eager to escape the place anymore. Life is weird… or maybe it’s me who is weird 😉

      My solution to just about everything is to find humour in it.


      • This special person uttered the compliment two years ago-as you can see it takes time. But at least now I know how to discriminate and receive them and why i can’t accept them if they only flatter my ego( difficult point to flatter).It has to touch the heart and comes from the person’s heart.
        It’s interesting what you say about places as i am stuck here in Paris and i don’t know why.
        i hav a question for you: you were mentioning sympathy in one of your replies, do think this is an issue that has got to do with Ns? I have a huge problem with it, I find it overwhelming at times and I tend to feel sorry for people even when it’s not the case.Do Ns parents “work”on that for their own purposes?
        By the way, i really like your Partner and I am happy you two have found each other.


        • Sometimes applying the distance of time to a compliment, enables us to see its value as well as its veracity. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t take your time before accepting a compliment, in fact growing up with N’s teaches us the importance to waiting to see just how true something is. So, I actually think your method is a good one. Do things at your own pace, don’t let anyone dictate to you what you should do or the when’s and the how’s of it. Do it your way. That is part of being authentically yourself – and you don’t owe anyone a justification or explanation for why your way is your way.

          I learned a lot from being ‘stuck’ in Paris. It taught me to be philosophical. To think for myself. To accept solitude and see being alone as a positive rather than a negative. And to question everything. Those were some of the lessons Paris had for me. Each place has something individual for us, a gift to give us, once we accept the gift, then maybe it will let us go.

          I do think that the issues which I have with sympathy are connected to my experience with N’s. They need so much of it and work so hard to get it, that they very quickly suck all the sympathy out of you. But they have absolutely no sympathy for anyone – which I suppose is why they crave it so much like it’s chocolate or some other substance which is addictive.

          When you’re a child of N’s you’re like a battery hen being harassed to lay sympathy eggs for the hungry N. But you receive zero amount of sympathy from the N’s or other people – all the sympathy always goes to the N’s because they’re actively seeking it. So you learn to live without it for yourself, and those rare times that you do get it, well, if you’re me, you don’t want it because it’s useless – it is empty like the idealism which surrounds and feeds narcissism. Sympathy solves nothing, and sometimes makes things worse because it is a bandaid applied to a festering wound. It certainly doesn’t help you deal with N’s, in fact if the N’s know you’re getting sympathy from someone, they get vindictive due to their envy and their need to control supply. How dare you get any sympathy when they need it!

          N’s do however give their version of sympathy – which is pity. They pity other people because that makes them feel superior. They often collect people they pity to support their superiority complex.

          Covert N’s in particular use the ‘give me sympathy’ card. And work it to the maximum. They use other people’s need to feel helpful, to save others and fix others, to suck people into their drama. Once they’ve trapped you in their drama, good luck getting out again. It requires starving them of supply – yet again this inspires them with great hostility towards you.

          What you may be experiencing is a form of projection. You can’t feel sorry for yourself because you equate that with taking something which belongs to the N, and that means you will be punished. So you feel the feelings which you should be feeling for yourself, for others who are in similar predicaments as yours. You feel the empathy and sympathy you would naturally feel for someone else, plus your own empathy and sympathy for yourself redirected onto them. Feeling overwhelmed is partly due to feeling your own feelings but being unable to process them as yours. The intensity is too much, all at once. If you know the person your are feeling all of this towards – they will also feel overwhelmed, because you’re giving them your feeling about your own story on top of your feelings about their story and their feelings about their story.

          That’s just a possible scenario and dynamic, based on myself. We each have to figure out our own story.

          I like my partner too, he’s put up with so much, I’m glad he’s also getting some rewards for his patience 🙂


  2. …to be authentic….I am not a fan of boxes-don’t fit the mold. Your writing and visuals had me laughing, agreeing out loud, and nodding my head-all from the comfort of my bed…💛


    • I’ve never believed in boxes, and that’s always caused me problems with people who do believe in the existence of boxes. I’ve had to learn to see boxes where I don’t see them, view through the eyes of others, otherwise I end up trespassing in someone else’s garden while thinking that I am roaming on free ground 😉


      • Aaah, but there is a difference between not believing in boxes and getting to realize their non-existential nature! ‘there is no box’ ! (Matrix cheap reference 😛 )


          • I had to look at the theory 😀 The realm of the physical/physics goes way way beyond my understanding, I’ve tried, but to little use. I saw this film some months ago, ‘what the bleep do we know, down the rabbit hole’, about quantum physics, and all I got were ‘hinches’, not a bit of knowledge as such. It’s a little bit easier (but not from the mind, which is what produces them) to recognize the non-existential nature of thoughts, concepts or ideas in any form they take, any mental construct in short, be that boxes, love or happiness. I’m not saying I have, or fully have, I’m experimenting (sometimes without even wanting to 🙂 ) But the power behind them is very real, that I am sure of, for we can all see the results and that’s what positive thinking is all about (I’m not a big fun of that but it is effective). Anyway, it’s just me rambling about 😉


              • You meant that in a good way, right 😉 You’d be ecstatic to be dyslexic, yeah?

                I’m messing with you, but dyslexia as I know does not confuse ‘fun’ and ‘fan’, so you’re not dyslexic, you’re just not reading what you’ve written before you press the button of publishing your typos and you can’t get it back!


                  • I remember seeing a pin somewhere that said (funnily enough using this same word !) “dyslexics have more fnu”, and found it extremely funny… sense of humor is such a weird thing, so personal and yet do you know where it comes from? why one finds some things funny all of a sudden?


                    • That joke is illogical, dyslexia is logical (I’m wearing my serious face now). Most of the creators of jokes about dyslexia don’t have dyslexia and don’t understand it, how it works and doesn’t work. However those with dyslexia do get a lot of laugh mileage out of laughing at the people who make jokes about dyslexia without any understanding of the condition at all.

                      ‘fnu’ is not a word. ‘fun’ is the only word which can be made out of those letters so someone with dyslexia would not have any problems with the word ‘fun’. If they do then they have a much more severe form of dysgraphia.

                      Basically dyslexia is simply the eye to mind coordination which experiences a hiccup – the mind is moving too fast for the eye. Most people experience something similar when they skim-read instead of reading. The eyes see the letters, sometimes only a few of them, the first and last letter, in a word, and decide what that word is. The dyslexic mind is a natural anagram generator and offers all possible alternatives for the letters in the word. Usually it only offers actual words as alternatives – ergo ‘fnu’ would not be an option for the letters of ‘fun’. If it was ‘gun’ and ‘gnu’ it would be logical, but that would ruin someone’s joke.

                      Humour is very personal and intriguing. I wonder why you found that joke funny, perhaps you have a heightened sense of the ridiculous 😀

                      The funniest joke I’ve seen concerning dyslexia was about why such a condition would be called ‘dyslexia’.


            • I think what you’re doing is great, and being experimental is in some ways what life is all about. If you look at everything which exists (or appears to exist), in the natural world in particular, it could be viewed as being an experiment… perhaps by atoms.

              Have you explored the philosophical concept of Solipsism?

              And speaking of atoms, I saw an amusing quote the other day:

              “If we are made of atoms, then a scientist studying atoms is actually a group of atoms studying themselves.”

              Quantum physics is fascinating, especially the uncertainty principle. Because that is something I can grasp and see at work in everyday life in a less scientific form.

              By exploring even things which we don’t understand as others understand them, we find pieces of our own puzzle. By exploring we discover, by discovering we explore 😀


              • The thing is, I’m not experimenting because I want to, more because I need to. Talking about jokes, or saying things in a humorous way, I came across this quote which made me chuckle:

                “First the fish needs to say: Somethin’ ain’t right about this CAMEL ride…and I’m feeling so damned THIRSTY.”

                I am the fish. That’s why I experiment. I have no choice but to look for the sea!, so it doesn’t come from will, maybe curiosity mixed with need. And sometimes I think I am the one being experimented with. I have come across the notion of solipsims, and all I know about it is that it revolves around the idea of ‘oneness’, if I understood right. But as you said, the mind is a labyrinth and I suck at them, two turns to the left and I’m lost. So I try to stay out of trouble. My instinct on the other hand, if I let it speak (and it does speak, in all of us, but in a very low voice compared to the mind, which tends to shout), tells me exactly the way to go (through the labyrinth of life), my mind is ‘blind’, so to speak, it takes me to places, it has the power of action (very important!), but the eyes, the real vision, is somewhere else. I call it instinct but I think it’s the same as the real-self.

                I have absolutely no idea why I find things funny, but with regards to the joke I genuinely thought it was made by dyslexics using their own condition to make themselves and others smile, which for me would have to be a sinequanon condition to its ‘funnyness’, had it been true. Since it is not, it loses all its humor and yes, instead it becomes a joke for the people who do have dyslexia about the ones who made it. Unfortunately, the non-dyslexic people have no way to know this. I guess we could be more knowledgeable about this matter and thus avoid laughing at not funny things and/or the wrong occasions. 😉
                I find being able to laugh at yourself a basic trait a healthy being, and by that same rule, laughing at others its exact opposite. I tend to laugh at absurd things, and it is interesting to notice, because so many things in life are absurd, that I find a reason to smile almost every day 🙂


                • Maybe the joke was made by dyslexics doing the whole laugh at yourself and others will laugh with you thing and think you’re cool (because they can actually understand what you’re saying and doing this time whereas usually they have no idea what you’re on about), rather than crying for yourself and live in a ghost town with lots of tumbleweed (which is hard to catch with a net if you’re playing Zelda) or one of those towns where everyone is always crying and it’s effing annoying because it’s always damp and your socks never dry… what do I know 😉

                  Why do humans invent, investigate, explore and evolve… is it because they want to or because they have to for whatever reason?

                  Necessity is the mother (father and uncle and aunt, etc) of invention.

                  If we didn’t need to do things, if we weren’t pushed out of our comfort zones, we’d probably all still be cavemen or fish… and not fish riding on camels.

                  We need incentive, and the best incentive is something which makes us uncomfortable. Pain is a pretty good ally 🙂

                  Enjoy who you are, you sound awesome!


  3. I think possibly you saw in yourself something good (thoughtful and potentially-helpful insights) and desired and needed validation for them, the same validation that most people need and desire. But I don’t know you, so what does it matter what I think? I guess it matters because you wanted to know. Neither of us have to justify ourselves. In any case, I’m glad you wrote this article.


    • Thank you 🙂

      I think it does matter what you think, whether you know me or not, in fact sometimes people who don’t know us can give us a new perspective on ourselves. Strangers are often more honest with us than those who know us (or think they know us).

      Reality is in many ways made up of the thoughts of all of us, we’re all creating as we think. So it’s important to share our thoughts and be interested in each others views as it enriches our own views and gives us insight into the fabric of reality.

      I completely agree, we don’t need to justify ourselves – that makes interactions fraught with complications and is partly the reason people often withhold sharing their views. We tend to consider sharing, and then we predict the flow of consequences – If I say this, this person might take it the wrong way and then I’ll have to explain myself, and they’ll probably take that the wrong way too and it will end up being a mess of misunderstanding… – and so we decide to keep quiet.

      I’m glad you shared, as I now have food for thought 🙂


      • Yes, you’re right. Views are important. It’s just sometimes we have brief impressions or whims and…I could’ve easily been talking out of my behind!

        How insightful, what you say about considering sharing and trying to predict the flow of consequences. There are so many little idiosyncrasies to being human that are seldom considered. I love that you are exploring them!


  4. dear kindred soul,

    I think you’re in the middle of having a personal ah-ha moment. A lighting of the load, of letting go, or seeing something in a new way so you can live more true to you. I’m psyched for you!


    • Thank you 🙂

      I hadn’t considered that this may be part of a build up to an AHA! What I wrote is more of a recap of past AHA’s and OH’s and Hmmmm’s, however sometimes reviewing past revelations leads to a new view in the present. So this could be part of a coming soon to a brain near you AHA moment, or it could just be all the past AHA’s finally settling into place in the puzzle that is life 😀


  5. Another deep, thought provoking, wonderful post that I can especially relate to. Just have to comment on this bit “Narcissists only want to hear what they want to hear, anything else… well, you learn pretty quickly not to say those things (out loud).”

    My ex hubby (who I believe might be a Narc) actually said those exact words to me, he said; “Why can’t you tell me what I want to hear, why do you tell me things that make me feel sad/bad?”

    I looked at him, astonished, and said “So you would rather I told you lies, just so you would feel better, than tell you the truth?” And he said Yes.
    I knew then with 100% clarity I could not stay married to this man, and left.


    • Thank you 🙂

      I was letting my Uranus and Pluto in the 1st do most of the talking in this post, touching upon the whole 1st/7th house dynamic 😉

      I had a similar conversation with my partner (who is not a Narc and who has taught me a lot about how to have a healthy relationship). However it was not an across the board tell me what I want to hear scenario, and it wasn’t a lie to me scenario, it was nothing like the scenario with my parents. He was sharing his view of a particular scenario and simply asking me to take into account his side of it. To respect him and who he is.

      The scenario is one in which I am conscious of the fact that I suck – giving sympathy. So my ego didn’t have a kniption when we had this chat, although it did bristle a bit. I don’t tend to give what I don’t like to get, which for the most part works, except where sympathy is concerned. I don’t like getting sympathy, but other people do and sometimes really need it.

      My partner loves the fact that I’m tactless, blunt, and tell him exactly what I think. He never tries to censor or control me. He likes me as I am (in fact he’s the one who helped me to accept myself as I am). He’s similar to me in certain ways, he can also be blunt and I trust him to speak his mind. The only time when he – wants me to tell him what he wants to hear – is when he is needing sympathy and sensitivity. When he is already feeling sad/bad and wants a pick me up or a soothing hand on a shoulder, rather than a pointy finger jabbing where it hurts.

      For example: If he has a health concern and is worried about it, he wants me to say – Don’t worry, you’ll be fine, everything is going to be okay. He just wants some TLC. He’s imagining the worst case scenario and just needs some support in balancing out his anxiety. Rather than what I have a tendency to do which is say something along the lines of – From the moment that we are born we start to die, and at our age it’s all about slow decay.

      See. My ‘being honest’ is completely out of place, unnecessary, in that scenario. It costs me nothing to be empathic, with added sympathy, in fact I gain from it because amongst many things it gives me the opportunity to give in a relationship where I get a lot.

      In our quest to be authentic, to be ourselves and have others accept us as we are, we mustn’t lose sight of the fact that other people have the same rights as we do, that we are all equals, and that we must give what we want to get. If we want the right to be honest, then we must allow others to be honest with us to. If there is a conflict of styles, then an agreement can be reached which honours both styles.

      Just as my partner has asked me to give him sympathy in a certain scenario because it is what he needs, so I have asked him not to give me sympathy (he is naturally sympathetic) in a similar scenario because it is not what I need.

      We have to be aware that we don’t trample over others to define ourselves, that we don’t end up doing to others what we don’t like having done to us because we’re afraid of others doing it to us. That in being authentic we don’t end up blocking others from being authentic.

      Life is all about surfing the learning curve 😀


  6. Hi Ursula,
    Great post! I’ve been off for awhile. I do miss blogging with you. I do agree that being a child of a Narcissist parent often skews our perceptions. I’ve always had that issue . How could we not after all went through? I always question ,question . question everything. I never trust that myself or believe that I am being correct in my perceptions .
    When you’re growing up & are forced to “forget” things that are inflicted on you for the sake of your parents on a daily basis and to believe your parents version of reality., not the real version of reality, how can we be any different in our perceptions ?
    I took your advice and read Alice Miller. What a neat way she has of helping one see the truth for themselves .The book helped me to recall lot of more of things that I had repressed. I’m making some good progress. Thanks again for recommending it to me!


    • Hello Narcvic,
      good to know you are feeling better,so am I…but what you mention is really at the core of our lives, it’s like a wrong way of wlaking, we have been taught in the wrong way and so we don’t believe in our perceptions because they wanted us to doubt about ourselves. For simple matters i have an almost automatic inner voice saying”this is not true, you are listening to your parents, listen to yourself instead”; of course for important issues it’s not a piece of cake…We need to persevere and make a huge effort, one day we will succeed at it. take care, xxx


      • Hi Seashell,
        I used to hear my moms condemnation in my thoughts when I was younger indefinitely . I worked past that as a young adult , but then I switched to hearing my own self condemnation in my thoughts instead.
        I am at a point in life now where I really want to learn to stop doing that I recently learned that this self condemnation is part of why people attract Ns into their lives. When they keep self condemning, they, by the law of attraction, gravitate towards Ns who really have the same self condemnation issues. I have recently learned this theory and it is very true, I always attract new N types into my life when I am at an impasse in my life an deep down not feeling safe or sure about where I am on my road in life . I used to think that was a good thing , but now I am reexamining that. It may be good on some levels and not good on others.
        I always grow alot from these encounters so that ‘s a good thing in my mind. They awaken my consciousness. The bad parts are the things we all know about the N ways of being.
        Keep up the great work too —, you are working hard at persevering! (:


    • Thank you 🙂

      Questioning everything is a healthy practice as long as it is applied with ‘questioning questioning everything’. In other words the philosophy itself must also be questioned – why are you questioning everything? What are your intentions and motives for doing so? – and at some point some of the questions need answers too.

      And the answers you get and give yourself – what do they support or deny?

      One of the things I liked about reading the work of Alice Miller is that she challenges us to review ourselves and what we’re passing on to others.

      If we were abused by our parents and then have children of our own and consciously try not to pass on what was done to us… are we sure we’re not still repeating a pattern? What if the abuse we received from our parents was them trying not to do to us what was done to them? It’s paradoxical and worth exploring.

      Facing who we actually are versus who we would like to believe we are… so difficult since we are always creating reality for ourselves, and for others. Which is why we find wisdom in our own words… but are not always willing to listen to what we say with open ears, just in case we shatter a reality which we have been creating.

      Being human is very complex.


      • It really resonated with me how Alice Miller points out that people use success, intellectualism, accomplishment, perfectionism, and grandiosity to create their false selves in order to avoid the depression that comes with being non of those things and in that case succumbing to the pain of your true self and facing your inner pain. I kind of knew it , but I love the way she makes it so clear and ties it together by simplifying it.
        Same thing with passing down the wounds and abuse. We know abusers tend to abuse but she points out some subtle aspects of how this happens, which is mostly that if we remain with our repressed memories we will continue repetition compulsion and reenact the abuse since we have never consciously dealt with it or solved it.

        I know abuse is paradoxical in many cases. Whenever I hear about young teens committing violent acts against their families , i always think that chances are likely that they must have been inflicted with years of abuse& they finally snapped. Many times the families will deny it on the news , but I always wonder. Also it is very sad that most parents that abuse have suffered from abuse, You’d think that they know how it feels so they would not want to inflict it, but they do. I think alot of weather or not it repeats has to do with what other sources of love the child had during his development during the times he spend growing up with the abuse. If there was anyone else around who acknowledged the child worth, I think outcomes are improved.

        I also loved the fact that she points out that many therapists suffer from this baggage themselves and very often are blind to being able to believe , listen closely to , really help their patients with repression and abuse issues, since they themselves have not worked out theirs.

        I have to say that I think many of the therapists I have gone to may have this in play. They seemed to miss some of the clues and tips of the iceberg I put on the table for them to assist me with. They dismissed and explained things away that I am now through my own journey able to see for myself. . Its very disappointing. Wouldnt you think that if I described the abuse inflicted on me and all the shenanigans my mom constantly pulled that a trained therapist would have zeroed in on Narcissm at some point? Also when I mentioned some things my dad did, why were they all minimized by my therapists instead of further investigated? I really think that the cold hard truth of abused children is too much for many to bear hearing about. Even some therapists . Its easier to pretend it was not so bad. My therapist that I just left was so busy on asking me time and time again how it was noone intervened. if this was really going on. REALLY? And I’m paying for her to “help ” me? So frustrating!


        • Someone like a therapist can only do so much, they’re human like us, so they have many of the same issues as we do, especially the one about being human and all that entails. We figure things out as we go along. Ultimately it’s up to us to sort ourselves out and decide what needs sorting and what doesn’t, and how to do that, what works for us and what doesn’t work for us.

          Life, living it, being, being human, being ourselves, is in some ways just one big cosmic experiment 🙂


          • “Life, living it, being, being human, being ourselves, is in some ways just one big cosmic experiment :)”

            Perhaps you are correct — Just maybe , it is one F’ing big cosmic experiment ?????? 🙂



  7. Thank you so much- it was very interesting to read and it explains plenty of what happens to me. i do not know if the projection doubles the effect as I have to deal with the empathy and sympathy i don’t use for myself, but it’s certain that my reaction are not balanced and I don’t think I treat myself as i would treat the worst of my enemies:).I am working on it. Since i started therapy and delved into my childhood issues, working with children last year has been overwhelming, as i identified with all of them and their difficulties or shortxoming were a matter of life and death to me, as i felt i could hurt them with one word(i was only teaching English over there). It’s very well said that this might overwhelm them in return. Also what you have said about CNs is like a bulb switched on as i have been in contact with one for 30 years who now is spreading around her version to justify her behaviour, i am the monster as i went no contact and you describe well the need to be helpful as a disguised need to get Nsupply.
    You have a real gift when it comes to explain emotions, a merge of rational and sensitive observation. Thank you so very much! xxx


    • TY 🙂

      It takes time to absorb everything, analyse it, understand it, and put all the puzzle pieces in their place. Which is why we need to be gentle with ourselves and give ourselves the time to do things at our own pace.

      Projections are very tricky, they flow both ways and they exist for a reason. SOmetimes the only way we can learn and understand something is by seeing ourselves in another person… but at some point we do have to integrate what we project and what we have learned from our projections. At our own pace and in our own time.

      Never let someone else dictate your pace to you.


  8. Awesome piece! I wish would have been able to see it sooner. Just wrote a piece that mentions narcissism the other day, and I would have definitely referenced your post in it. Rats! Looks like I need to manage my time better.


    • Thank you 🙂

      My blog’s most viewed posts are on the subject of narcissism. It’s a trending topic, very much on the minds of one and all, of the consciousness of the collective. If you referenced everyone who is writing about it on Wp and elsewhere you wouldn’t have any time to manage.

      Don’t regret what you didn’t do, celebrate what you did do, life is more fun that way.

      Oh, speaking of fun… recently I watched a documentary about improv (which I know you enjoy) – We Cause Scenes(2013) – and one of the guys who was a member of Improv Everywhere lives in Syracuse. Small world, eh?


      • Thanks for all the replies.

        Yes! Ken is one of the founders of the collective that I am gratefully a part of. He’s a teacher of mine, and I’ve actually had the pleasure of performing with him as well.

        It’s difficult not regretting things recently. And there is uncertainty as to why. Who knows. Perhaps a change is in need … or I’m on the brink of it. Or, perhaps, it’s all just a funk.


        • We always know, we just aren’t always willing to consciously know what we know, partly because it might be uncomfortable to know it or so we think and tell ourselves. Improv is a good way of accessing the answers to the questions we have about ourselves and our lives, because it pushes us out of our comfort zone and into the spontaneous zone. It can scare us enough to be honest with ourselves, but whether we’re listening to ourselves…

          Liked by 1 person

  9. I am not sure how long it takes to write your posts with all the wonderful/images and quotes, but I wanted to let you know that they so matter. I read something such as this and I feel a sense of hope and awareness in my own life. I don’t feel as defenseless and confused as I once did.


    • I don’t have a system for creating my posts, or if I do it involves a slightly random and spontaneous coming together of disparate elements which are floating around and within me. Order in chaos. Most of my posts are written on the fly and the images and quotes are a part of that. Pinterest helps as I browse it during lulls and bookmark this and that to be used later. If the image is one I’ve created I give myself a limited time to do it. Bish bosh bang. I used to do things differently and it didn’t flow as smoothly, it felt stilted, mostly because if I have too much time to think about what I’m doing, I’ll talk myself out of it. So I don’t give myself time to think, at least not that kind of thinking 😉

      I believe that each of us is inherently powerful, imbued with personal power, that we’re all equals, yet very individual and unique, here to share who we are as is. Share our story, our experiences, our views, vision and perspective, and each one of us is beautiful in our own way (including those who appear to be not so beautiful such as narcissists). I am an optimistic realist with a touch of a bunch of other philosophical and such concepts influencing me. Maybe this comes across.

      You are an amazing artist… and not just in your art. It’s innate. When you enjoy it, appreciate it see it, it is powerful, but it is also powerful when you don’t see it, enjoy it, appreciate. We can’t hide from who we are even when we hide from who we are.


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